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Help me RAWnda, help, help me RAWnda! 08/19/03
Posted by Charles "Loss 4 Words" Williams on Aug 19, 2003, 16:59
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It finally happened! A record-setting amount of feedback! I received 11 e-mails!
I'm thrilled. Quite honestly, I don't even have a speech prepared, but I would like to thank everyone who e-mailed me to make this possible. My goal for this week is to receive 20 e-mails. Can this happen or am I getting ahead of myself here? Stay tuned.
Let's get this thing reviewed and posted, baby. I have people to do and places to see!
Help me RAWnda, help, help me RAWnda! 08/19/03
Cheer Steve Austin! Boo Eric Bischoff! You know, I find it quite funny that a company that can pay such attention to detail on such ultimately meaningless issues can't be bothered to show brackets for a title tournament until the week before the finals. Then again, maybe it's because Kevin Dunn is a self-important elitist who is more preoccupied with showing his mastery of television production and playing puppeteer to some C-level Vaudeville than actually creating emotionally-driven storylines between over performers who are in their prime and know how to work a match.
We start with the Highlight Reel! Jericho promises to shave Nash bald and win the title and make Summerslam the height of his 15-year career. 15 years? Oh, sorry, his match with RVD at King of the Ring last year was ****1/2, I forgot, so you might say Jericho has a history of exaggerating. You would think starting the show with the most over heel on RAW would be a way to keep the crowd involved, but you would be wrong, although a healthy "Jericho Sucks" chant does get underway. Jericho quickly brings Shawn Michaels out to co-host and cuts him off after one word before declaring that he has things to do and leaving. He does leave Evolution to continue hosting the segment though. HHH has trouble stringing together the most normal sentences, promising to win the "Evolution Chamber" and walk out of Summerslam the world heavyweight championship. Evolution then attack Michaels, but Kevin Nash comes to the rescue, blond hair and all. Goldberg is next to make the save and he tries to spear HHH, but ends up hitting Nash instead. This segment was pretty flat overall, but Jericho is a genius for tricking everyone into getting into a brawl.
Test pleads with Stacy to let him treat her like a slut. Horrid, horrid acting here. Why do they keep putting Test in these positions? Why do they keep putting him in any position for that matter? Let me make something clear to the writers. You've tried pushing him as a Motley Crue bodyguard reject. You've tried letting him leach off the heat of Mick Foley. You've tried romantically linking him to Stephanie McMahon. You've tried making him the dark horse star of the WCW inVasion. You've tried a "You Can't Fire Me, I Have Immunity" gimmick. You've tried a "Once you've had Test, you forget the rest" gimmick. You've tried making him an UnAmerican. You've tried getting him to say hello to his testicles. You've tried pairing him with Stacy Keibler, Shane McMahon, Booker T, Christian, Albert, Trish Stratus, The Rock, Ken Shamrock and Chris Jericho. NOTHING HAS WORKED! STOP TRYING! Fire him! Fire him early and fire him often! Fire him at dusk and fire him at dawn! Fire him until you can't fire him anymore! I realize he had surgery to get his bitch tits removed and he had his hair cut to stay out of HHH's way, but for the love of all things holy, there has to be a point where you accept that a guy isn't going to be over and simply cut your losses.
We get the HHH commercial again, but I'm saving my comments for a rainy day.
Our next contest, scheduled for one fall, is a title defense from Molly Holly against Trish Stratus. Trish has especially fixed hair tonight, perhaps as a tribute to one Kevin Nash. This is a bleh match with even Molly blowing simple moves like a shoulderbreaker. Gail Kim attempts a run-in, but gets a chick kick and shoulder tackle for her trouble. Gail then makes it to the ring to attack both for what is ultimately a DQ. I have nothing to add here except that booking like this provides no storyline development whatsoever and is just a token reminder that there is a PPV on Sunday.
Evolution celebrates the triumph over the English language in the first segment when Austin interrupts and makes a Goldberg/Orton main event and names himself as the special enforcer. In terms of the storyline, wouldn't Shawn Michaels make more sense?
Shane McMahon joins us to declare that there will be no match with Eric Bischoff at Summerslam because he's going to beat him up before then. If I watch Summerslam and this match takes place, I am filing a class action lawsuit against the company for false advertising.
Goldust and Storm have another mildly entertaining segment with some potential, as Goldust encourages Storm to go into the women's locker room. He opens the door and the camera immediately cuts to Linda McMahon. I thought he was going to walk in on Linda and give us an all-time bad segment, but no such luck. I guess one per show is too many.
Test now has a match with Scott Steiner and his hair is more spiked than normal, which is again probably a tribute to Kevin Nash. It does my heart good to see the locker room uniting like this to commemorate the death of Big Kev's newly-bleached golden mane. The booking for this match couldn't be any worse as Test fakes a legit knee injury and we get the dreaded "Red X", only for Test to sneak up and give Scott the big boot and pin him. He now has Stacy's services again. I care. Let's see what they try next with Test when this too fails to get over. By the way, this is the second fake shoot they've done this year where Test has been forced to act. Why expose him like this? Stacy is now Test's property. Way to draw in that female audience! Seriously, it's insane that in 2003, women are still treated as objects by a multi-media company with an international presence.
La Resistance greet us with their presence next as they ask a guy if he fights for the milk dairy, which could make for some interesting subplots. Oh wait, he said military. My bad. He asks him how many innocent people he killed this year? I'm going to refrain from commenting on that. Lawler immediately socks it to the heels in the booth. I don't understand the point in having both Lawler and JR pander to the babyfaces as they have as of late. Are they that paranoid that a fan might think independently? Anyway, the Dudleyz interrupt and run off the champs as the soldier is brought in the ring to celebrate. He then attacks the Duds when they least expect it and we get another heel beatdown. I'm going to say what has been on everyone's minds since this whole ridiculous push started, which is that La Resistance is a worthless tag team that is being pushed solely because Pat Patterson thinks that they are hot. He may �know� more than he does just �think�, but I�m going to be nice because that�s what I am � a nice guy.
Jericho admires his hair as he heads to the ring to defend his honor against Kevin Nash. Nash looks absolutely ridiculous with blond hair and a gray beard, pretty much giving away who is going over here. Jericho is wrestling himself in circles while Nash remains still. There are a few good nearfalls here and the crowd seems to be backing Jericho all the way. There is a difference between a carry job where the lesser worker has the right attitude and follows the leader and a carry job where the lesser worker cares none at all about putting forth effort. This match is the second type. The match does have a cool finish though when Jericho pokes the ref in the eye when Big D is going for the jackknife, low blows Nash and knocks him out with brass knucks to get the three count (no, not them.) The crowd pops huge. Jericho proceeds to do the quickest barber job I�ve ever seen and bails. Match had the right finish if nothing else and was an above-average Kevin Nash match. I can�t complain at all. Now, let�s follow this up with Jericho getting the gold and we�re going somewhere.
Rosey now rescues a cat from a tree and the cat then attacks him in the most unrealistic noises I�ve ever seen. I don�t understand how anyone thinks this is developing into something good. I�m all for humor, but there are ways to do it where you don�t expose the business as much as this little shit, er, skit did.
We cut to a Linda McMahon interview at her home in Greenwich. Bischoff shows up and puts the moves on her. Let�s hope this is an angle to eventually get Bischoff out of the company once and for all since they refuse to use him in a way to get any value out of him and seem to take more pride in humiliating him. Hey, it�s Bischoff, I have no sympathy granted, but I�d rather see a new heel get all that TV time if that�s all they�re going to do with him. Also, I noticed that Bischoff referenced his hate of Shane for buying WCW, which means I have a reader in WWE-land somewhere. Bischoff concludes the Wrestlecrap by kissing Linda. I am willing to bet my life savings that Vince McMahon originated, created, directed, produced, modified, edited, scripted, filmed, coordinated and funded this segment.
Shane sees what has happened and hijacks a civilian�s car. So Shane has now committed two crimes in one evening. He was an accomplice for leaving the gasoline behind so Kane could threaten to burn RVD and he stole a car. I hope he goes to jail, I really do.
Watch, as Christian defends his Intercontinental title against RVD. It�s a slow match, it�s a boring match, but it�s a coherent match with Christian getting terrific heel heat. Aside from the in-ring stuff, Christian is missing something very small and I wish I could figure out what it was, because if he can find it, I predict big things for him. The match just disappears into nothingness eventually when Kane does his run-in. I thought he was on house arrest. I�m glad this didn�t end with Christian getting the pin, just because I would have a hard time suspending disbelief and thinking the ref didn�t hear the music or the pyro when Kane entered the ring. Kane connects with a wicked chairshot and carts RVD away as we cut to commercial.
The RAW jobbers hang out and ask Stacy to dance. Pointless.
Kane handcuffs RVD and pours gasoline on him. If the creative team is attempting to bury Rob, it looks like they�re doing so by cremation. Thank you, thank you. Actually, his facial expressions here are good enough that I think he can be a better actor than he is most of the time if he�s given some decent material. You could probably say that for a lot of guys on the roster.
Co-GM Steve Austin, the babyface we�re supposed to cheer, would care that one of his top stars is backstage being doused with gasoline, but that would mean he couldn�t pander to the audience for cheap heat and show off his new shirt. At this point, HHH may be a second rate Ric Flair, but Steve Austin is now a second rate Steve Austin. You tell me which is more depressing.
Goldberg v Orton wraps up the evening�s festivities while Flair and HHH do color and Austin acts as special enforcer. Flair is beyond bad on color, as I can�t understand a word he says. I tried, but all I heard was �Yabba shonka, wuhseebuduh franksta, and Goldberg is frolicking in the woods with Naomi Judd. WHOO!� Ric, when you start turning into the Geritol-advanced prodigal father of Ahmed Johnson, it may be time to go home and enjoy retired life. Austin gets to go over again and stun Flair because he was �provoked� (I don�t know who is making the rules here) and after the match when Goldberg gets the win, he and HHH are amidst a thrilling staredown when Kevin Nash interrupts. His hair has miraculously changed into a decent haircut between the Jericho hack job and the end of the show, meaning it can�t be held down. Goldberg eats a powerbomb, followed by HHH eating a superkick from HBK, followed by HBK eating a chairshot from Jericho. Jericho, in one of the few cool moments of the show, drapes the world title over his shoulder and says to Nash, �You�re bald, I�m the champ.� Gotta love it.
This was not the show needed from the RAW group going into the second biggest show of the year, but it seems like they just might put the title on Jericho, so we�ll see what happens.
Tell me how you feel. I�m dying to know.
[email protected]
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