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Wrestling > TNA

Raw from JHawk's Beak (October 14)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Oct 14, 2002, 22:17

Raw from JHawk's Beak (10/14/2002)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

It's that time of the week again. Time for the WWE writers to completely fuck up a potentially good show. But before we get to that, a couple of administrative things. First off, if you missed it (and judging from my inbox, you did), take a look back at the 1998 Intercontinental Title tournament in my somewhat weekly Today in Wrestling History column. Another week from now, we'll never be allowed to remember it except through the magic of videotape, and apparently not even through that over in the United Kingdom. Also, look for an extended look at the Intercontinental Title from me later this week (if I can actually stay awake longer than a couple of hours at a time without watching some videotaped goodness).

Also, thanks to those of you who sent me birthday wishes, particularly The Superstar for sending me his animated gif of Stacy Keibler dancing in her lingerie. I said it before it became a sign in the crowd, and I'll say it again: "I'd give anything for one night as a Keibler elf."

Tonight: actually put up a full preview at a halfway decent hour, so we'll see Al Snow vs. Lance Storm, which could be excellent if given any time at all. Also, Jeff Hardy vs. Rico, and it might not suck if Jeff is A) motivated and B) not stoned. Tommy Dreamer vs. Chris Nowinski in one of those "non-hardcore hardcore matches". Also, Trish Stratus and Jacqueline vs. Molly Holly and Victoria, Booker T vs. The Big Show in a falls count anywhere match (isn't that a hardcore match? You know, that they were never going to have on Raw ever again after MSG?), and the thrilling main event will feature Kane and The Hurricane defending the WWE Tag Team Title against Chris Jericho and Christian. Plus a tribute to the
Intercontinental Title - which makes its last TV appearance before this Sunday - will also be done, most likely in the form of a music video to some shitty song by some nothing band. Like Fozzy. ::rimshot::

Still, six matches announced before the show actually starts? A few of which actually have some potential? My only complaint: Where are William Regal and Rob Van Dam, damn it!?!?!?!?!?!?

Oh yeah, and we're sure to hear about the unfortunate murder of Katie Vick (or Fick. Who cares? Nobody else is watching anyway) that only Triple H has ever heard about. Official prediction: All we need is Gary Sinise with a gun and you're looking at "Of Mice and Men: WWE style".

Segment 1

Backstage, Coach catches up with HurriKane, and he wants to know Kane's response to the allegations of Triple H, but Kane says they're none of his business. Great, we're already into soap opera bullshit and we're not through the opening yet.

We are live from the Centre Bell in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, and we open with what I thought was the main event.

One fall for the "World Tag Team Championship": HurriKane (champions) vs. Christian/Y2J(2)

These are apparently officially going to be the "World Tag Team Titles" despite having the actual WWE lineage. Everybody's been talking about Hunter's accusation since it was made, even though marks are even like "this is a stupid freaking idea". Booker T attacks Jericho as he walks down the aisle to the ring, and a mass of officials and Johnny Ace have to drag him to the back. Kane drags Christian away from Jericho and to the ring, and we're underway. Hurricane with a quick near fall on Christian. Flying headscissors, and in comes Jericho, who gets disposed of by Kane. Hurricane with a slingshot somersault plancha on the champions. He sends Christian in and covers for 2. Kane in, and he's going to do a number on Christian. Choke lift, but Christian avoids the elbowdrop. Christian bends down, Kane has him by the throat, and he sends Christian into Jericho, knocking Jericho to the floor, and a sidewalk slam gets 2. Hurricane in, and he goes into the ropes, but Jericho pulls the top rope down and Hurricane tumbles to the floor. Now the challengers double team The Hurricane as Nick Patrick keeps Kane in his own corner. Christian punches Hurricane in the corner and chokes him. Hurricane knocks Christian down, Jericho is tagged in, and the hot tag is avoided...nope, flying neckbreaker, and there's the hot tag to almost no reaction. Kane to the top with a flying clothesline. Punches in the corner, and a boot choke. Christian with the belt and up top, but Kane catches him coming down. Low blow by Jericho, and a missile dropkick gets 2. Kane with a double clothesline and a tag to Hurricane. Rocket launcher to Jericho, and Christian has to make the save! Kane grabs the steel steos, and he tries to drop them on Christian, but Christian rolls out of the way. In the ring, Jericho avoids the Eye of the Hurricane, but gets caught on the Lionsault attempt. HurriChokeslam attempted, but countered. Walls of Jericho attempted, but Hurricane counters it with a Victory roll for 2, and Jericho further counters it and uses the ropes for leverage to win the titles in 6:48.


Well, not a bad match really, but the crowd couldn't have cared less about it. Apparently the "World Tag Team Titles" are going to be hotshotted around to every makeshift team they've got to make up for the loss of the Intercontinental Championship. I'm glad Christian and Jericho are getting a title run, but the fact is the worst worker in that match is Kane, and main event or no main event, he's the one who should have been pinned here. They could have played it off as "He's distracted by Hunter's accusations" so he didn't look too weak, and at the same time, they might have actually elevated somebody. Of course, that scenario also puts Triple H over, so I'm surprised they didn't do it.

Segment 2

JR calls the title change "earth shattering". Yeah, whatever.

Backstage, Booker is going after Jericho, but Goldust and WWE officials are trying to keep them separated. Easy E comes in to try to calm things down, and he signs the Tag Team Title Match between these four for No Mercy as a slap to Stephanie McMahon's face.

One fall: Lance Storm (w/William Regal) vs. Al Snow

Somehow the Canadians aren't even getting pops in Canada. Did the Heat tapings suck that much? Regal joins JR and The King on commentary. Snow with some punches to start. Forearms by Storm, and a leg lariat to the back of the head. Storm goes for a springboard bodyblock, and Snow catches him with a powerslam as they show Regal in his Showgirls outfit from last week. This is an excuse to piss Regal off so he can go ringside. Al Snow gets in his double underhook headbutts, then into a suplex before getting in some punches and a backdrop. Clothesline, and Snow attacks Regal on the floor. Up top...flying bodypress, but Storm rolls through and grabs the tights for 2. Regal tosses Storm the brass knuckles, and they're not used, but Regal hops on the apron to distract Snow, and Storm takes advantage with the superkick in 3:07.

Coach is with Victoria prior to Sunday's Women's Title match, and he wants to know what Trish did in the past. Back when they were fitness models, they were interested in both of them. Trish acted as a friend, but when she got the shot, Victoria was pissed. Victoria implies she slept her way to her shot, but here comes Trish the Cheating Bitch with a slap to the face.


They simply didn't give this match long enough to mean anything. In EWR, this is one you put on the card for the purpose of putting on a good match, but apparently, in the WWE you put this on the show to fill three minutes and nine seconds.

I do appreciate the fact that they were able to use something relatively involved with wrestling to build to the Victoria-Trish match on Sunday, because after murder accusations, I was expecting nothing except "She slept with my man" and a catfight to commence. Of course, we haven't explained the murder angle yet.

Segment 3

Mr. Extreme and Little Spike Dudley are talking, and in comes Rob...Van...Dam, apparently to meet Bischoff. In comes Eric, and it's a shame Bubba Ray can't be here tonight, and to show his appreciation for TLC, they get their own personal highlight reel. This is merely an excuse to hype the TLC match that, apparently, only I really enjoyed. Next, it's Jeff vs. Rico, so get ready, Jeff. Eric asks Spike to walk so he can talk to RVD. Spike: "Bite me!" Anyway, RVD did so well last week that at No Mercy, RVD will step into the ring with Ric Flair. Hey, it only took three weeks for them to actually mention their feud. And tonight, because Eric Bischoff is nothing less than a fair man, live, tonight, in Montreal, a Canadian Lumberjack Match (with straps)...RVD vs. HHH. Eric: "And they said I couldn't top TLC." And you didn't, so they were right.


Bottom line. If Hunter's title isn't on the line, and RVD doesn't win the title, I'm not interested. And since they actually signed RVD vs. Flair for No Mercy Sunday, there's no way in hell RVD walks out of there with the title whether it's on the line or not. They worked an average match at Unforgiven, and now they think overbooking it with a lumberjack stipulation is going to disguise the fact that Hunter refuses to make anybody who might be a threat look good.

Segment 4

Backstage, Hungry Hungry Hippos and are pissed about the main event -- Hunter because everybody is going to attack him with their straps, and Flair because he doesn't want the match Sunday. Hunter promises to take out RVD, and Hunter is going to ruin Kane's night because Bischoff ruined his. And he clearly said "Katie VICK" that time. Kane's got until the end of the match to admit to it.

One fall: Mr. Extreme vs. Rico (w/sideburns)

Jeff is "selling his TLC injuries", so this is bound to suck. Rico tries to get the advantage by throwing his jacket over Hardy's head. That's the best Jeff's looked in about six months. Out to the floor, and Hardy gets his running guardrail clothesline in. In the ring, Jeff has an armbar as "Rico sucks" chants start but die quickly. Rico gets some kicks in and covers for 2. Kicks and shoulders in the corner. Springboard side kick in the corner and the cover for 2. Snap mare, and Rico goes into a bodyscissors, which probably hurts legit when properly applies but looks likes a pussified resthold. Jeff with some weak offense to get an advantage, and the Whisper in the Wind gets 2. Rico gets 2 off of a dropkick, and the crowd lets out a mock "TWOOOOOOOOOOO!" Heh. Jeff gets Rico down, and he connects with the Swanton for the win at 3:08 of a boring ass match.

Backstage, Kane is pissed, and The Hurricane is trying to calm him down. To Kane, it's not about the titles. He just wants to be left alone. Someone Feeds Terri comes in, and she's here as a friend and not Raw's #4 announcer. Terri tells him to get everything off his chest publicly. Terri says there's no way he can beat Triple....IN HIS FRAME OF MIND....yeah, uh huh. So tell them your side of it and get your mind clear. A boring 20-minute interview is NEXT!


I'm confused. I thought they were trying to push Rico, but he loses to Jeff freaking Hardy in barely three minutes? Ugh. Nice to see Jeff being lazy as usual.

Now onto the segment we're all dreading.

Segment 5

This cannot be good. Katie Fick was a friend of Kane's, and she's dead, but it was an accident. They were friends about 10 years ago when he started wrestling (um...never mind). One night at a party, Katie had too mch to drink, so Kane drove her home. He couldn't drive a stick, but she insisted they take her car. An animal ran in front of them, they swerved, and he lost control on the wet road. Kane broke his arm, but Katie was killed instantly. But it was an accident! But he's thought about it every day since, so all he has left to say is what he said to Katie's parents: "I'm sorry." And here comes The Lame to ask for the whole truth. He forgot to mention that he was drinking too. There were empty beer cans in the car. HOW THE FUCK DOES HE KNOW THIS SHIT? And when they did the autopsy, doctors found Kane's semen. Oh, give me a fucking break. Katie didn't return his affection, but who can blame her for not loving a burnt up freak like him? He wasn't charged with anything, but "all of this points to you". Hunter wants to know if the rape occured before or after she died. Get this Days of Our Lives bullshit off my TV!


Once again, who cares? I said it last week, everybody who saw it last week said it, and it bears repeating. THIS DOESN'T HAVE A GODDAMN THING TO WITH WRESTLING! Pardon me for shouting, but if I wanted to watch this type of thing, it's on five afternoons a week and pretty much 24/7 on the 74 Lifetime channels I pick up on digital cable. Keep away from things like rape and murder, which don't draw casual fans and piss real fans off, and stick to the in-ring product, which hasn't been good enough tonight to give me a bright side to this show yet. Now someone explain to me how the hell Hunter got this information if Kane wasn't charged with anything. In a real life scenario, you'd have to really be hunting for info.

Segment 6

Kane tries to leave, and Hurricane stops him, but Kane says "If I stay, I'll do something I'll regret for the rest of my life."

One fall with special guest referee My Future Wife: Pure and Wholesome Molly Holly/Victoria vs. Jacqueline/Trish the Cheating Bitch (WWE Women's Champion)

Stacy looks quite yummy as usual tonight. Notice how Jacqueline shows up once a month or so for no apparent reason? Trish goes right after Victoria before the bell. Molly and Trish in, and we work the handstand headscissors in the first 30 seconds. Did JR say that "at least we won't hear You Screwed Bret every 30 seconds"? Trish works over both opponents. Molly with a Northern Lights suplex to Trish for 2. Faceslams, and a mouth gouge by Molly. Bodyslam, and a tag to Victoria. Victoria with a multiple pinfall spot for a series of 2 counts. Backbreaker, and Molly back in. Handspring elbow, and Jackie comes in on what should be an illegal tag. Sidewalk slam by Jackie for 2. Trish pulls Victoria to the outside, while in the ring, Jacqueline gets a spinning leg lariat, and Stacy's shoulder pops out at 2. Molly with a rolling reverse cradle, and Jackie kicks her into Stacy, who falls to the floor. Jackie covers, and another referee slides in for the pin at 3:56. Postmatch, Victoria levels Jackie, and Trish takes Victoria down. CATFIGHT! CATFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

Backstage, the wrestlers are getting their straps.


A typical women's match that was way overbooked. On the bright side, Stacy didn't count when Molly had the cover either, so maybe they were shooting for "validity" to the bad shoulder. Or maybe Stacy just forgot she was supposed to quick count her, who knows? Or cares? I was actually looking forward to the Trish-Victoria match on Sunday, but I'm not so sure I can say that now after that stupid booking and the old reliable catfight. And they'd been building it so well, too.

Segment 7

Easy E is in the ring, and he just wants to say that no matter what frame of mind Kane is in, he'll still be forced to unify the World and Intercontinental Titles. And that match will go down in history as the last time the Intercontinental Title is ever represented. Lots of boos for that one. So allow me to introduce the first ever WWE Intercontinental Champion Pat Patterson (out to Mae and Moolah's old school music). I think he's getting...oh, I don't know...three minutes to speak. Hey, look at that Storm 1:08 sign! He's on our message boards! Anyway, Patterson speaks to the crowd in French. Bischoff wants it in English so the world can understand it. Patterson doesn't trust Bisch, so if he wants to play games, he's leaving. Bischoff claims there's no three minute warning, and here's the tribute video. Funny how the beginning of the end was Austin not jobbing it off to Rocky. All that history, and it's over. Nice video don't. NOW here comes Three Minutes to beat on Pat Patterson. Eric: "Just like the Intercontinental Title, your three minutes are just about up." Out comes Gerald Brisco to try for the save, but Jamal and Rosey destory him too. And here comes The Too Damn Big Show with a leather strap, looking for revenge from a few weeks ago. And here comes D'Lo Brown. They start to retreat, and here comes Jeff Hardy. And finally the crowd has woken up.

They tease a Bret Hart return to hype the Anthology CD.


Decent video, although once Austin was hurt and didn't do the job for Rocky in 1997, the writing was on the wall for the I-C Title (thanks a fucking lot, Vince Russo). Then it recovered fairly well, and then they put it on freaking Chyna... Anyway! Decent enough segment, with Jamal and Rosey finally being given some retribution from some of the guys they've attacked over the last few months. How about that? Continuity! You don't see that very often from WWE anymore. I'm still praying for a DQ on Sunday night.

Segment 8

Backstage, Al Snow and Christopher Nowinski reminisce about Tough Enough 1. They're building to a Snow-Nowinski program, as Snow says he's proud of Nowinski for making it. Nowinski: "No thanks to you. By the way. Nice loss tonight."

One fall: Christopher Nowinski vs. Tommy F'N Dreamer

They're trying to blame Dreamer for Nowinski's jaw surgery. Whatever. Dreamer is supposed to be on his honeymoon, and Nowinski needs more time off, but by God we're wrestling anyway. By the way, congratulations Tommy. Dreamer gets the first near fall off of a reverse neckbreaker. Nowinski with a series of a shoulderblocks. Short spinebuster by Dreamer, and that's good for two. Backdrop and a swinging neckbreaker for TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! That's getting old. Double-leg into a spinebuster by Nowinski as Dreamer starts favoring the back. Nowinski grabs the kendo stick, and Dreamer snap mares him back into the knee. Tree of Woe, standing on the nuts, but Al Snow blocks Dreamer's attempt to use the kendo stick. That enables Nowinski to get the Full Nelson Slam for the win at 2:43. What the hell was that?

Terri is with Triple H, and she wants to know how to justify his accusations. He claims police reports back this up, but isn't it convenient that he found this out right around No Mercy. He claims somebody gave him the info, and he warns Terri that Kane has a penchant to hurt the ones he gets close to. They start to fade out, but Hunter's not done yet, and he says he's going to overcome the odds tonight, just like at No Mercy. And he steals Ric Flair's catch phrase to put himself over.


Logic gaps aplenty in this segment. Let me get this straight. Nowinski more or less tells Al Snow "You suck, I hate you. Nyah!" And three minutes later, Snow is helping him win a match? And then Triple H says "Police reports back this up," but unless they arrested him (and if no charges were filed, he probably wasn't) there wouldn't be a police report anyway. The only thing Hunter could possibly have is the autopsy, and while those are public record, they're not as easy to get. And there'd be records of an investigation, but again, they're very hard to find. Hunter happened to know what city to go to get these records? And they decide to waste what now, three segments?

Segment 9

Randy Orton's hurt, but he still gets the 1970s NFL Films treatment, this time about his sexual exploits.

Good Ol' JR says Randy Orton wants to address us. And the crowd is apathetic. His arm's in a sling, and he tore his shoulder last week. Maybe he'll wear a cast for three years like his daddy did! Orton will be back in 3-4 months because he has e-mail capabilities for fans to wish him well. And the crowd goes into "Na Na Hey Hey Goodbye". Orton brings up Bret Hart, and he was thinking about it, and Montreal should be known as the place where Randy Orton got screwed. But the difference is that unlike Bret Hart, Randy Orton would be back. Actually a good interview.

Booker T! Big Show! Falls Count Anywhere! NEXT!


Well, I'll be damned! Randy Orton can cut a promo! And if they weren't planning on turning Orton before tonight, that's definitely going to be the case when he returns from this injury. The crowd cheered at the thought of him being out 9-12 months, and then booed when he said it would only be 3-4 months. It's like he's Tim Couch getting a concussion!

Segment 10

Good Ol' JR and The Pharaoh discuss the Canadian Lumberjack Match and hype Heat on Sunday. Watch Saliva's "Always" video.

Falls Count Anywhere Match scheduled for one fall: Booker T vs. The Too Damn Big Show

I know you're not digging this one, sucka. This is Show's second segment already. Booker ducks a clothesline before the bell and chops away at Show. Booker targets the knees, then goes for chops, but Show tosses Booker over the top rope and goes after him. Clothesline. And throat first to the guardrail goes Booker, and Show covers for 2. A charge, but Booker backdrops him over the guardrail. And they go deep into the crowd. And now they're leaving the main concourse. Show gets two at the entrance to the main arena and head behind the curtain. How the fuck did that entrance lead to the locker room? And in the background, Ric Flair is leading traffic for Hunter to drive a forklift. STAY OFF MY TV! Show has Booker against a steel plate or something, but Booker moves and sprays him with a fire extinguisher. Shot to the back of the head and a cover for 2. Scissors kick, and Booker covers for 2. Show slaps Booker in the women's locker room. Choke slam attempted, but Booker with a low blow, and into the shower, where Trish is covering up for dear life! Another cover for 2. And there's Jericho with a chair to Booker from behind, and Show covers for the win at 5:23. "Who sucks now, you assclown?" Jericho looks to Trish: "How YOU doin'?"

Hunter backs the forklift to the locker room door, and Coach asks what's going on. About half the lumberjacks aren't showing up. It's next!


You know what's sad? Five years ago that match would have been considered innovative. I'm still trying to figure out how that entrance led to a locker room. That was kinda there.

Wanna know something else that's sad? If anybody but Triple H was moving the forklift in front of the locker room door, I'd probably call it a brilliant move. But since nobody except Hunter is allowed to do any of that stuff, it's getting really freaking old really freaking quickly. I've lost track of how often Hunter's been out there tonight.

Segment 11

Non-title Canadian Lumberjack Match scheduled for one fall: Hungry Hungry Hippos (w/The Man WHOO!) vs. Rob...Van...Dam

Shouldn't RVD have been trapped in the locker room with the rest of the faces? And shouldn't Booker T still be able to come back out since he wasn't in the locker room at the time? I don't know if JR's shooting or not, but he says Hunter's accusation had no business being on TV! I said that a week ago, and they went through with the angle anyway. The bell rings just as RVD gets in a spinning heel kick. Monkey flip! Mounted punches in the corner with the crowd counting along, and a backflip. Hunter moves RVD to the floor, and there are the heels beating the hell of out RVD with straps. Hard right hand. Trading punches in mid-ring, and RVD is sent to the floor again, and again RVD gets the hell beat of out him. Quick cover, and a 2 count. Hunter goes for a kick, but RVD catches the foot and hits the stepover spin kick. Out to the floor goes Hunter, but the heels don't do shit to him, so RVD simply planchas the whole pile. Hunter back in the ring, but Rico holds his foot so Hunter can regain the advantage. Screw the rules, keep RVD out on the floor. Hunter goes for the multiple pin spot but can't get 3. Elbowdrop by Hunter, and something like the fourth RVD chant in 5 minutes. Series of shoulderblocks in the corner by Hunter, and his focus is apparently the back. Vertical suplex, and Hunter does the thumb pointing thing. A backbreaker gets 2. Hunter places RVD on the top turnbuckle, but RVD avoids the superplex, but only momentarily as Earl Hebner gets "You Screwed Bret" chants. Get over it already! And the abdominal stretch! Wow, this last won a match in what, 1985? And Jamal helps HHH get leverage, and Earl catches him. Another "You screwed Bret" chant. A suplex, but RVD nearly lands on his feet and gets a rolling reverse cradle for 2. Springboard back kick, and the rolling thunder only gets 2! Series of counters, and Hunter goes for the Pedigree, but RVD backdrops him. Spinning dropkick (I think he only meant to get in one foot) and up top, but technically he's not in the ring so Jericho can cheap shot him. And here comes Booker T, who apparently moved the forklift, and we have a battle royal on the floor! But Earl's distracted, so RVD gets the jumping side kick and Five Star Frog Splash, but since Hebner's an idiot, he's on the floor and doesn't see Flair hit RVD in the head with the belt. There's the cover and the pin in 10:37. And out comes Kane, and he starts working on Flair and Hunter. He has both men by the throat, but it's Flair with the low blow, and Chris Nowinski comes in to allow them to escape. Kane choke slams Nowinski, D'Lo, and Rico, before Jamal and Rosey at least get in some offense. It doesn't last long. Choke slams for both of them, and Hunter and Flair hightail it again!


Under WWE logic, Kane lost (even if he wasn't pinned) and Hunter won, so Kane should be the favorite on Sunday. The only problem is that the main event didn't do anything for anybody except Kane, so logic might be thrown out the window. Forget the fact that the finish sucked. Every lumberjack match ever has ended with the 20-man brawl on the floor, and very rarely does the face ever win. The problem in this case is Kane being allowed to come out and steamroll through the entire roster. On the bright side, they were actually able to get the crowd to pop for this, so in that regard call it a success.

Overall, kind of a run-of-the-mill show. The only thing they really did the hard sell for was the Kane-HHH match, while throwing in a couple of decent length matches to try to pretend the asinine murder storyline didn't dominate the show. Sadly, the main event was the best match of the night, but it was on a night where if anybody even remembers it come SmackDown, I'll be surprised.

The moral of the story: murder angles = mediocre (at best) shows.

Feedback is good, so send me some.


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