TV Reports
WWE Velocity: CRUCIFIED~!
By "Crucifixio Jones"
Nov 10, 2002, 08:25

You know I used to have a problem with the opener to Heat because they didn�t show any wrestlers or wrestling taking place. After recapping Velocity for a while, I�ve come to appreciate the Heat opener. At least it doesn�t get your hopes and expectations up. The Velocity opener features The Rock, Rey Mysterio and other big names that you will NEVER see on this show unless it�s the opening credits or clips from another show. Damn quasi-false advertising.

This is VELOCITY for Saturday November 9, 2002 and if you�re sitting at home on a Saturday night watching this crap then you are no doubt some sort of masochist.

- Your hosts are Michael Cole and Marc Loyd

- Crash vs. Tajiri - Crash falls over the ropes jumping into the ring. I swear that lil guy will do anything WWE wants him to and almost anything for a cheap laugh. In Hollywood that sorta behavior is usually frowned upon, but not in sportz entertainment-land. Oh no. It�s a VIRTUE. I�m really dreading seeing this match seeing as how I just finished watching Tajiri vs. Super Crazy vs. Jerry Lynn not even fifteen minutes ago. Crash and Tajiri feel each other out before a test of strength and lockup that leads to a series of armdrags and other various kip-ups and such that leads to the classic ECW standoff. No one chants �E-C-Dub�, however. Tajiri extends his hand but Crash slaps it away. So Tajiri knife edges Crash�s throat. Nice. Later in the match, Crash actually has the audacity to try the Tarantula. It gets him tossed over the top rope and kicked in the head when he makes it back to the apron. Crash counters a Tajiri headscissors with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Whoa. Who told Crash to actually �work� this evening? Crash blocks a Tajiri �rana attempt with a powerbomb. Nasty. Balls nasty, even, for you Frank Miller fans out there. Crash is doing everything he can here tonight to gain an unfair advantage, grabbing the ropes or Tajiri�s pants every chance he gets. That�s just in case you missed when he slapped Tajiri�s extended hand away when the match began. See, Crash is playing the HEEL here. Got it? Good. Tajiri rolls through a Crash sunset flip and dropkicks him in the face. Tajiri then get his own Tarantula but his PEARL HARBOR~! Kick misses, so he simply nails a back kick and then hits the PEARL HARBOR~! Kick for the win. Those two kicks in succession looked really painful. And we�re off to commercial�

- Folks, whatever you do, don�t feel bad for Dr. Tom. Sure he has to recap Smackdown, but it is I who has to sit through these bad segments TWICE a week. The only thing worse than Big Show or Al Wilson on SD! Is having to view it twice.

- Why did they advertise a Steiner interview for Confidential and then didn�t do it? I coulda been sleeping�

- Back from commercials, we recap the supposed �feud� between Dawn Marie and Torrie Wilson. Personally, if I were Al Wilson, laws be damned, I�d be trying to get with my daughter. Ew. I�m just kidding. Sorta. Anyhoo, the only thing funnier than Al saying �virile� was his body language when he said it. He looked like a white guy catching the Holy Ghost during revival at a black southern baptist church. Dawn dragged this segment out way longer than it needed to be by contemplating her answer and I think Tazz had the right idea when he was begging her to say �no� to Al after he threatened to take his own life if she refused him. I swear I saw Dawn on the ho stroll on HBO�s �Hookers on the Point�. Maybe Al was one of her johns.

OMG~! Up next: a recap of Edge/Rey vs. Deities, Inc!!!

I just realized that November 12th is gonna break my bank. You�ve got Lord of the Rings, Jay-Z�s new album and WWE Anthology all coming out that day. You might think that I�d buy that Jay-Z album first, but in all honesty, I simply MUST roll through my local mall�s parking lot one Saturday afternoon playing Honky Tonk Man�s �Cool, Cocky, Bad� at full volume, so that makes buying the Anthology CD a must.

I�m feeling that new Reebok commercial for the new Iverson�s with A.I. and Jadakiss. Not as hot as last year�s ad, but A.I. rhymes on this one.

- The Lugz Boot of the Week is Edge and Rey beating Tio Eddy y Sobrino Chavito for the number one contender slot on Smackdown last week. Are Company Flow ever gonna sue Lugz for stealing the concept from their �End To End Burner� video for their silly commercial?

- Recap of the 2 outta 3 falls match for the Smackdown Tag Team Titles between Edge/Rey and Benoit/Angle. That was a pleasure to watch again�even clipped. I�ll skip the Tough Enough III recap stuff simply because I hate that show and I want to. You want a TE recap, go here�cuz you ain�t getting� it here, so sue me.

- Albert vs Jason Porcaro - My lord, bring on the jobbers and that Velocity staple, Albert. My wife: �Lemme get this straight�they want Test to cut his hair but they let Albert get away with looking like that? He looks like George the Animal Steele!� Good point. Even though Steele reminds me more of Biz Markie than Albert. It�s at this point that I realize I�m paying ZERO attention to the match. I have to kiss my wife twice; once for making such a good point about Test�s situation and another for making miss the majority of this �match�. By the time I�m done kissing her, Albert has Baldo Bombed the poor sap and the match is over. Yes, it was that quick. Thank God.

Wow. A WWE Anthology commercial with Gangrel�s entrance music. That is STILL the coolest entrance and theme EVER. BRING BACK THE BROOD~!

�Who sent you?� �Yo momma.� Yeah, Halle Berry makes a marvelous addition to the long line of Bond Girls.

JVC�s Tower of Power is Big Show choke/slamming Brock through the announce position. �Gimme the belt!� Yeah, right.

Brock was mightily pissed at Show this week after he was forced to watch him give a promo after roughly all of two minutes of in-ring action all blown-up and shit. �This is who I have to face at Survivor Series? I�m a rookie. I can�t be expected to carry this sack of shit to a watchable match! ARRGH!!!� Brock throws and breaks a television.

Adult Sized Replica of the WWE Undisputed Championship: $349.99
32� Sony Wega Trinitron Flat Screen Television: $399.99
Paul E. cowering in the corner of Brock�s locker: priceless

We get a recap of Brock vs Eddy and Big Show�s ambush of Brock after Paul E�s �Who was there for you? Is this how you show me gratitude?� promo on Brock. I can totally hear him cutting that exact promo on any ECW guy he had who was leaving for the WWF. Paul E should just do like I did in EWR; form a new Dangerous Alliance consisting of Steiner, Brock, Batista and Sean O�Haire. Looking at the bright side of the Brock/Show feud, since Brock more than likely won�t get Show up for the F-5, he may HAVE to do the Shooting Star Press.

I hope that those schematics that they�re showing in the ads for the Elimination Chamber isn�t it. 1. They�ve given away the �surprise� and 2. It sucks. Just do WarGames already and call it that, for chrissakes. It should�ve been the blowoff for the InVasion at THAT year�s Survivor Series, for fuck's sake.

TESTIFY~! �Oh Jesus,� I say and not because I like D-Von. Eye of Righteousness? Why even bother putting that on the Anthology CD? That track is virtually guaranteed to be skipped every time. But yet we still get no theme music for Demolition.

D-Von & Ron Simmons vs. Funaki and�Chuck Palumbo?

- Geez�who�s salad did he not toss? I know Gunn�s hurt and all but there�s no reason why Tommy Dreamer and Chris Nowinski can get regular LIVE TV time on Raw and Palumbo�s on Velocity tagging with Funaki versus Faaaarrooooqqq and D-Von. Speaking of D-Von, why is it that John Cena can afford 3,000,000 pairs of boots and tights and D-Von still wears his boots that say �3-D� on the side. You�re in a lonely place when you�re signature spot is a spinning back elbow, at any rate. OMG, D-Von just resurrected the crotch chop to distract Palumbo. I�m guessing he�ll get a stern talking to from HHH the first chance he gets. Oh yeah � the match. Funaki�s been getting his ass kicked so I guess he�s your foreigner-in-peril. Hot tag to Palumbo and he�s FLAMING~! Well, not so much anymore..he�s got stubble and some pretty manly tights. D-Von hits his second-rope neckbreaker on Funaki. I�ve always liked that move, it oughta be his finisher. Funaki kicks out. Man, I thought it was over. D-Von goes for the Saving Grace but Funaki slips out and rolls him up outta nowhere for the win. Huh? The black man just can NOT get a break in WWE, I swear.

Next on Confidential: HBK admits he can�t dance. Well, Shawn tell me something I didn�t know. I need to tune in to Confidential for THAT? You know recently, I asked a �friend� of mine whether or not he thought HBK was gay. This authority on homosexual behavior said, �No. He just likes women so much he wants to be one.� That�s about 10x funnier than any response I could�ve hoped for. Share that. Until next time, I remain�

Crucifixio Jones

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