TV Reports
Raw from JHawk's Beak
By Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
Jan 20, 2003, 23:23

Raw from JHawk's Beak (1/20/2003)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

My condolences to the family and friends of the Original Sheik, including everybody over at the Wrestling Legends Yahoo Group.

The playoffs. They took "rout" and made it "ROUT": Well, had my e-mail to Dr. Tom gone through (or had it at least been bounced back to me before the NFL predictions article had gone up), then I could have proven that I actually called these two games. At any rate, Super Bowl XXXVII is this Sunday, and it's Tampa Bay vs. Oakland for the NFL Championship. A couple of thoughts, if I may.

Tampa Bay at Philadelphia: All I heard all week long was how poorly the Bucs defense is against the run and how the Eagles were simply going to run the football and control the game. So where were all the carries for Duce Staley? He broke one for a touchdown on the second play from scrimmage, but then he got something like 13 carries the rest of the game? Tampa Bay was able to take advantage of the Eagles' "bend but don't break" defense...and they broke through and got the Super Bowl bid. I expected a much closer game out of this one, but Ronde Barber pretty much sealed the deal for the Bucs.

Tennessee at Oakland: The only reason this one was a game at all was the running game of Tennessee being somewhat effective and lots of stupid penalties from the Raiders. The Titans did a nice job of controlling the clock and moving the football, but their secondary just couldn't keep the Raiders at bay very well. Combine that with the turnovers, and the Raiders get their bid.

Provided my e-mail to Dr. Tom doesn't get bounced this week, look for my Super Bowl prediction on Saturday.

I think somebody at FOX watches too much wrestling: Just kind of an interesting note more than anything else: As I sat here writing this intro, I was watching Boston Public, and there's an unscrupulous college recruiter giving bribes to the high school's star player. The recruiter's name? Vince Russo. It's likely coincidence rather than intentional, but I just found it interesting.

More Royal Rumble fallout: I actually got some post-Royal Rumble feedback (and I never get feedback unless it's for Raw), so let me address a couple of things. First off, for those of you who were asking, I'd rate Angle-Benoit at ****1/4. It was awesome, especially the last ten minutes, but even my mind was wandering before the German suplex sequence. That was probably because of the boring Triple H-Scott Steiner match before it, which only gets a DUD instead of a negative rating because the basic story of "champion tries to get disqualified to save the title but the referee won't allow it" was cool as hell. If not for that, I might have dropped the minus sign for it, and I NEVER give out negative ratings. Never.

As for the Rumble itself, I said my peace in the post-Rumble Crossface, but I need to make one more point very clear. Could someone explain to me how the hell JR could damn near cry about Chris Jericho using a chair on Shawn Michaels, but when Tommy Dreamer brought in the garbage can o'goodies, he was all "This is legal in this environment." There's a difference between playing off of the face/heel alignment and simply being a hypocrite.

By the way, for those of you asking me where I came up with Jericho lasting longer last night than Michaels did in 1995, check the tapes. Michaels won it from number one in 1995, but with one minute intervals, so Michaels won the shortest Rumble ever at 38:42. Compare that to last night, where Jericho was eliminated around number 26 or so, and his feet hit the floor at 38:59. Now, they'll probably spin it and say that with 90 second intervals it was probably closer to 36 minutes, thus making Jericho look inferior to Michaels. One problem with that: I know casual fans who run a clock on the Rumble just to keep track of who's out there longest. Too bad those fans are still in the minority.

If you missed the Rumble, Dames has his Diatribe for it here.

Tonight: Eric Bischoff has just 23 days of job security left, so he has promised to set an atomic bombshell tonight. People are thinking Goldberg or Austin, but I think we'll be lucky if we get Bryan Clarke out of it. Also, Scott Steiner isn't happy about his match with Triple H, and neither is anybody who actually saw it, but they'll probably build toward the rematch anyway. And we have new World Tag Team Champions in the Dudley Boyz, but I'm expecting a Dusty finish and the belts finding their way back to the heels before the night is out. Oh yeah, and we have that wrestling stuff too. I almost forgot that part.

Segment 1

We open with the same Martin Luther King Jr. package we get every year (although it appeared shorter this year).

A video package reminds us that we have 23 days left in the Bischoff era, and Bischoff has a bombshell for us tonight.

Start the HHHater Clock early this week, because his music starts before JR can even tell us that we are LIVE from the Dunkin Donuts Center in Providence, Rhode Island! Hungry Hungry Hippos and The Man WHOO! are on their way to the ring, and he's fortunate that the referee finally stopped the match. And his ribs are hurting so bad he can't spit water! There went his only move! The champ has the stick. "Let me ask you a question. Who is the World Heavyweight Champion?" Kurt Angle! Oh, wrong show. Hunter went "30 minutes" with Scott Steiner last night, and by the end of it, "I made him look so bad..." [insert your own joke here] "...that he had to hit me with a sledgehammer to try to save face." Hunter refuses a rematch, and that quickly brings out Big Poppa Steroid Pump (with ribs taped), who grabs the mic. He's only out here to finish what he started last night. The title's his and everyone knows it (but only about half the crowd popped for it). Steiner wants his rematch tonight, and as long as I don't have to pay for it again, fine with me. Hunter says he'd like to embarrass him tonight, but he has a note from Mommy...er, um, a doctor, and the note says he's not cleared to compete. JR stole my "note from mom" joke. But Flair is willing to send Batista to Steiner if Scotty absolutely has to compete tonight. So here comes Don't Call Me Dave Batista to the ring, and Hunter sucker punches Steiner. Steiner immediately fights back and clotheslines Hunter out of the ring. Batista hits the apron, and Steiner wants it, but Flair and Hunter pull him back.

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HHHater Clock: One segment, 8:33. Notice how in less than nine minutes, they did a better job of building to Hunter vs. Steiner than they had in the previous four weeks. The problem is we've seen the match, it sucked, so we have no need or interest to see it again. Hell, management was supposedly unhappy with it, and they still insist on building to another match between them? Maybe Batista will squash Scotty in about three minutes tonight and we can be spared of another overly long suckfest.

Segment 2

WWE thanks everybody for tuning into the Royal Rumble, now order the webcast on demand from wwe.com. Please?

One fall: Mr. Extreme vs. Rob...Van...Dam

RVD eliminated Hardy last night because Hardy was stupid enough to stand on the top rope with his back turned to everybody in the ring, so we get this match. A year ago this could have been good. A year and a half ago, it was good, but nobody remembers it. Wrestling sequence and roll away from every move sequence to start, then into the indy staredown spot to a nice pop. Hardy botches a jawbreaker 45 seconds in. An anklescissors takeover and a dropkick sends RVD to the floor, and Hardy goes for the guardrail run but gets legsweeped as he runs in. Back into the ring. RVD catapaults in, but Hardy sort of hits a dropkick. Flying clothesline for 2. Roll up for 2. Hardy with the Compactor for 2. RVD with a whip, but Hardy hits the Whisper in the Wind for 2. And he hit it very well too. RVD with a rolling front slam, then a moonsault, but he gets greedy and misses the Five Star Frog Splash. Hardy with a jawbreaker, and he's up top...Swanton Bomb...and only 2 (thank God!). Hardy is yelling at Jack Doan about the count as a huge RVD chant starts. RVD hooks a backslide for a three count out of nowhere at 3:55. Eh, I've seen worse out of Jeff Hardy. *1/2 RVD does the thumbs thing...and Hardy cheap shots him! Hardy grabs a chair...but he changes his mind about using it and tosses it down. I think I called a Jeff Hardy heel turn about six weeks ago, didn't I?

Christopher Nowinski and ChrisTIAN are backstage, and Christian admits he shouldn't have trusted Edge last night. In comes Easy E, and we're cutting two days off so that the deadline is on a Monday, and Bischoff tells them they have to wait for the surprise.

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A decent enough opener, even with Mr. Sloppy Jeff Hardy missing some spots, but the key here is the teased heel turn. This could be a good idea if Jeff can execute it at all, because outside of some women, Hardy hasn't gotten much of a crowd reaction at all since the ladder match with The Undertaker. However, he hasn't fully turned heel (he did drop the chair), and outside of maybe Booker T, I don't know who else Hardy can turn on fully and actually piss the crowd off.

Segment 3

Randy Orton stops Scott Steiner backstage, and it's OK that he didn't get the belt like he said, because some people are wrong, like his doctor. Steiner chokes him, and Orton begs him to stop because the shoulder's only 95%.

Chief Morley is with Nick Patrick and a TV with VCR, and he shows Patrick the clip of the footage of the Dudley Boyz winning the titles...and it has NOTHING to do with his vendetta against the Dudleys. Patrick says he didn't see the knuckles last night, and he should have disqualified the Dudleys right there, so Morley wants a public apology.

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The rumors have had Orton joining up with Hunter and company, and they appear to be setting that one up with this segment. Unfortunately, people actually like Orton even though they're not really supposed to, so putting Orton with them, should they do it, could hurt Orton more than help him. I personally want to see how Orton can do on his own, especially since he's shown some personality with the vignettes since the injury. As far as the Morley-Patrick thing goes, I said last night I expected Regal and Storm to get the belts back somehow tonight, and so far they've done nothing to convince me otherwise. Either we have a Dusty finish, or Patrick's about to get beat up.

Segment 4

Chief Morley and Nick Patrick make their way to the ring, and somehow I think we're looking for our third non-wrestling segment of the evening. Morley does realize that had he not distracted Patrick, then he'd have seen the brass knuckles shot, right? Eh, probably not. Morley gets "What"ed as he introduces Patrick. Patrick makes a quick apology, and Morley wants Patrick to reverse the decision, and the crowd immediately shits on it. Patrick refuses because company policy says "The referee's decision is final." Holy shit, continuity from 1988 or so! So Morley calls the Dudleys to the ring, and he means NOW! Just when they got my hopes up. Here come The Reunited Damn Dudley Boyz with the belts. 16-time World Tag Team Champions, which I think ties the Sharpe Brothers in the old San Francisco territory in the 1950s and 60s. Morley says that because Patrick admitted to making a mistake, he wants them to forfeit the titles back to Regal and Storm. D-Von emphatically tells him to go to hell. Bubba correctly mentions that Regal brought the brass knuckles into the ring, and Morley hesitantly claims that's why he came to ringside. They still haven't said where the knuckles came from. Morley: "Give me those titles now before you regret it." He's the Chief of Staff, dammit! Bubba calls him a "kiss-ass, washed up ex-porn star", and the Dudleys regret nothing. "We want tables" chant brings a smile to Bubba's face. There is one thing the Dudleys regret. They didn't take Mr. McMahon's advice of bringing out the tables. Right hand by Bubba, and "I believe his exact words were 'D-Von! Get the tables!' " In comes the table, but before they can get the 3D, Lance Storm and William Regal make their way in and attack from behind...and after Storm levels D-Von with a chair, they put Bubba through the table with a double flapjack. Wow! Boos for Regal and Storm! Morley sanctions a rematch for the World Tag Team Titles for tonight. In fact...ring the bell!

For the World Tag Team Championship: Lance Storm and William Regal vs. The Reunited Damn Dudley Boyz (champions)

Patrick rings the bell begrudgingly, Regal covers Bubba, and Patrick makes the slow three count at :15. One DUD, no waiting.

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Well, at least there was a "match" to switch the titles. Who exactly is getting the push here though? This does nothing for the Dudleys except make last night's match meaningless (and I hate when they make you pay for something and then take the meaning away from it). This does nothing for Storm and Regal except make them look like they can't win a match without management's help. In fact, this accomplishes nothing except make Morley a bigger heel, and if he's not going to be wrestling with some frequency then building Morley up isn't going to accomplish anything. This is "What if Steve Austin was a tag team in 1998?"

Segment 5

We're in Providence, Rhode Island, and here's the replay of the "match". Tonight, Scott Steiner vs. Batista.

Mixed Tag Team Match scheduled for one fall: Trish the Cheating Bitch and The Hurricane vs. Steven Richards and Victoria (WWE Women's Champion)

Great, more mixed/intergender tag team garbage. I thought Bischoff had 30 days to turn this show upside down, not do the same shit he's done since July. Last week, Hurricane saved Trish from Stevie and Victoria, so we get this match. Trish gets the first shot in by kicking Steven before the bell. Cheating bitch! Hurricane and Stevie start, and there isn't supposed to be any mixing of the genders, but Victoria tags in and starts shoving Hurricane...and slapping him. He sets up a Hurrichokeslam, but Steven runs in and gets a flying neckbreaker. There's the tag to Trish...and I don't know if Trish wanted a Victory roll or a Rocker dropper, but someone fucked it up. Trish got 2 anyway. Trish has Victoria in the corner, but Stevie stops her, and Victoria kicks Trish and covers for 2. Bodyslam, but she misses the slingshot somersault legdrop. Hurricane and Richards in legally...but Charles Robinson didn't see the tag to Hurricane. Stevie sets up the StevieT, but Hurricane breaks it with the Shining Black, and it's Trish with the Stratusfaction to Victoria for the pin in 3:01. And so the women's feud that wouldn't end continues. *

Bisch is on the cell phone, and he's trying to call Vince McMahon. He's not in, but he tells "Beth" that his bombshell is next, so if you can find him, do so. He leaves the dressing room and walks by a dartboard with Shane McMahon's picture on it.

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No matter which two guys they stick into these mixed tags, it all boils down to Victoria vs. Trish in the long run. For the love of God, sign some new women or promote some from OVW or something. When people are complaining about the SmackDown Six wrestling each other every week, you can't keep the thin women's division thriving with different variations of Trish vs. Victoria. When does Jazz come back?

Segment 6

I should be offended by these Sean O'Haire vignettes, but I like them for some reason.

Eric Bischoff is on his way to the ring to unleash his bombshell. Even the crowd signs shaved two days off of the 30. Bisch has the stick, and he can tell by the anticipation that everyone's dying to know what the bombshell is. Let me guess...Great American Bash 2000. There IS no bombshell. Bisch reminds everybody what Vince told him last week and admits he was unsure of what to do, but at the Tenth Anniversary Spectacular, he had a vision. Show the clip of Austin winning Superstar of the Decade and Vince more or less telling us "Fuck you, there's no Austin." Here come the Austin chants. So why wasn't he invited? Because he walked out on Vince McMahon. And why did he walk out? Vince and JR gave their side of the story, the wrestlers did too, but nobody ever heard from Austin. As of 8am this morning, Bischoff stopped the presses of Raw magazine, and he's giving Austin the chance to tell everyone his side. But that's not the bombshell. Bisch had another great idea. Let's relive the "greatest Raw moment ever"...the beer truck. Now you know this vote was rigged, thus making Jamie a lock for a Tough Enough III contract. Bisch says the only guy who can turn Raw around is Stone Cold Steve Austin, and he invites Austin to show up at No Way Out (which is after the 30 day limit, isn't it?).

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Allow me to just save you the month so you can watch Joe Millionaire or college basketball or something. Austin joins SmackDown at No Way Out, which gets Bischoff fired if he isn't already by that point. There you go. What a bombshell. He invited someone to show up. He didn't even guarantee it. Just an invitation. Just a little teaser. Well, I, for one, am tired of being teased. Either make the deal and bring him back, or say the hell with it and leave him at home, but for crying out loud, TELL US THE TRUTH. Forgive the cynicism, but I bought into the Raw X hype, I refuse to buy this until he shows up.

Segment 7

Good Ol' JR and The Pharaoh are discussing the "bombshell", and JR denies any knowledge of Austin showing up anytime soon.

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Black Gold vs. Three Minute Warning (w/Rico)

I'm still waiting for Booker T and Goldust to get their mandatory Tag Team Title rematch. JR calls 3MW "Three Count". Tank Abbott isn't going to dance, is he? They are wearing the green tops though. Jamal and Goldust start. Goldust with a headlock. Shoulderblock, but nothing doing. Goldust goes for a sunset flip, but Jamal goes for a sitdown, but it misses. Booker tagged in. Series of chops, but he ducks his head and Jamal kicks him in the chest. Into a reverse chinlock. Booker breaks it with an armdrag. Series of punches by Jamal. Whip into the corner, but Booker gets the foot up and gets a superkick. Tag to Goldust, and Rosey is yet to tag in. Quick tags by the faces as they work on the left arm. Jamal finally makes the tag, and Rosey with forearms and headbutts. Booker works into a hammerlock. Rosey elbows out and hits the ropes, but Booker with a spinning leg lariat for 2. Tag to Jamal, spinning leg lariat, tag to Goldust. Goldust now works over both opponents. Rico is distracting Booker and Jack Doan, Goldust goes for Shattered Dreams on Rosey, but Jamal catches him with a superkick. Vader bomb by Rosey for 2. Double teaming, and Rico gets in some cheap shots as well. Rosey into a neck vice. Goldust elbows out of it but is met with a knee. Jamal is in and he locks in a reverse chinlock. Please tell me there's a ten minute time limit. Goldust elbows out, but he runs into a powerslam for a near fall. Irish whip, Goldust gets the feet up, and there's the tag to Booker. Jumping heel kick to Rosey. Forearm to Jamal! He goes after Rico, but Rico moves and Booker straddles the top rope. Double teaming by 3MW, but Booker counters with a double DDT. SPINNAROONIE! Spinebuster, and Rosey saves at two. Superkick by Jamal. Jamal to the top for the splash, but Booker T rolls out of the way. Rico on the apron, Rosey charges, and Booker moves. Down goes Rico. Booker with the scissors kick on Jamal for the pin to mercifully end it at 9:19. Crowd was mostly dead from a combination of boredom and being pissed at Austin not being there. 1/2*

Highlights of the Royal Rumble, and JR actually does a nice job of building up Jericho's performance.

Up next, Test vs. Chris Jericho.

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Somebody's getting mixed signals. I said I wanted some longer matches than what we were getting, but I wanted longer matches with talented guys. Booker and Goldust are great. Jamal and Rosey aren't. The main problem with this one was simply that everytime they appeared to be heading home, they decided to make a U turn and delay the trip. This was like coming home from a boring night at Grandma's and practically begging to lie down in your own bed, but your parents make you stop at your evil aunt's about five minutes from your house.

Segment 8

This week on Confidential, go behind the scenes of Confidential. Is that really necessary?

One fall: Test (w/My Future Wife) vs. Y2J+3

Test eliminated Jericho from the Rumble last night (with some help from Shawn Michaels), so we get this rather predictable matchup. Raw is live from Rosemont, Illinois next week for any of you who care. Jericho doesn't come straight to the ring. Like Martin Luther King, he had a dream. To win the Royal Rumble. But his dream was taken away from him by Shawn Michaels. So tonight, he's going to teach Test a lesson. And Jericho runs in and eats a clothesline at the bell. And a backdrop. Right hand. Over the top, but Jericho skins the cat and walks into a press slam. Corner clothesline! Jericho with a thumb to the eye and a flying dropkick. Series of punches. Choke against the ropes. And the squisher (tm Kevin Nash). Back suplex, and Test held the back of his head before he even landed. Snap mare into a chinlock. Test elbows out and sends a charging Jericho into the ringpost. Series of punches, but Jericho with an elbow. Jericho charges but gets a tilt-a-whirl slam for 2. Power bomb gets 2. Test calls for the boot, Jericho ducks, but Test backdrops Jericho over the top. Test follows him outside and punches away. Jericho avoids the pumphandle and sends Test into the post. Now Jericho has a chair and misses Test...but hits Stacy in the face. Test and Earl Hebner immediately check on Stacy, and out comes the medical team as the broadcast booth has gone quiet. Jericho wants a countout but everybody's too busy calling for EMTs. If she's not really hurt, this is one of the best sold chair shots ever. Jericho screams "It wasn't my fault! She got in the way!" Charles Robinson sends Jericho to the back as Test fights back tears. No finish, so no rating.

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Holy shit. It looked like the chair obviously got ringpost instead of Stacy, but my God. Everybody is selling this like she's dead, including Stacy, who plays dead better than Al Wilson, and we didn't realize Wilson was actually alive when he was supposed to be live. JR and The King said very little, Test is nearly crying, and even Jericho had a look like "Holy shit, what did I do?" after taking the swing. I really can't say anything except "Oh my God."

Segment 9

We're back, and they're still attending to Stacy. JR's apologizing for it. Earlier today, Al Snow was at the World hyped the vote for the final cut of the Tough Enough III cast. Back live, and Stacy hasn't opened her eyes. They're wheeling Stacy out.

Ric Flair is backstage with Batista, and he's selling this like a win over Scott Steiner will put Batista over the top.

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There's not much to say here, everybody. The segment was mostly more with Stacy. Powerful stuff here.

Segment 10

Singapore Cane Match scheduled for one fall: Tommy F'N Dreamer vs. Down with D'Lo Brown (w/Teddy Long)

What the hell is Teddy Long doing as D'Lo's mouthpiece? Long says D'Lo isn't a follower of Dr. King because King's fight got him killed. He alleges that D'Lo wasn't in the Rumble because he was black and Dreamer was in because he's white. How do you explain Booker T and Shelton Benjamin then? Hmm? D'Lo: "Free at last, free at last. Free to cane a white boy's ass!" Dr. King must be spinning in his grave. Dreamer catches D'Lo with the cane coming in. And it starts off being mostly Dreamer. Dreamer finally hits the post instead of D'Lo, which gives D'Lo an advantage. Finally in the ring, and D'Lo chokes Dreamer with the cane. Hard cane shots. Another cane choke. Bodyslam onto the cane for 2. Series of hard cane shots. Dreamer finally blocks one and gets a clothesline, and now it's Dreamer with cane shots aplenty. He puts the cane on top of D'Lo and drops an elbow for 2. DDT. Dreamer gets a fresh cane and comes off the top, but D'Lo catches Dreamer with the original cane and hits a Sky High for the pin at 3:31. I like both of these guys, but this was garbage. DUD

Scott Steiner vs. Batista...NEXT!

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What a boring mess. Why the hell is Teddy Long back to managing? I didn't like Long as a manager when he won Manager of the Year and managers actually meant something! I'm supposed to care that he sides with D'Lo because they're both black? D'Lo was making the most out of the gimmick he possibly could on his own, but he doesn't need a mouthpiece, and he certainly doesn't need Teddy Long as the mouthpiece. I almost didn't recognize Long until he started talking. The match was nothing to speak of either, but it's not like I expect the crowd to care after they saw nothing for 15 minutes.

Segment 11

One fall: Don't Call Me Dave Batista (w/The Man WHOO!) vs. Big Poppa Steroid Pump

Let's get this over with so I can go to sleep. Shoving match, lockup, Batista with a headlock. Throw-off, Batista with a shoulderblock. Steiner with a shoulderblock, and Batista is off his feet. Series of punches, chops, and forearms in the corner. Whip, block, kick by Batista, whip, clothesline. Steiner with a belly-to-belly, and in runs Randy Orton for the DQ at 1:25. What was the fucking point? DUD Flair runs in as well, but Steiner is fighting off three guys. In runs Triple H, and of course he just happens to be the one who stops Steiner. Everybody (mostly Batista and Orton) works over Steiner, and you'd think someone would make a save by now. Steiner is bleeding from the forehead as the mugging continues. Hunter paintbrushes Steiner. Outside of some catcalls, the crowd doesn't seem to give a shit. There's a Pedigree to an out of it Scott Steiner. Celebration, and one more forearm for good measure.

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Final HHHater Clock: Two segments, 12:00. The new version of the Four Horsemen is alive, and nobody cared. We get a one minute main event. Goody goody, I am sooooooooooo looking forward to a thousand more of those. The angle pretty much had to be done, I know, but at least pretend the match actually meant a damn.

Overall, this show sucked, and the reaction of the crowd pretty much showed it. Providence crowds are usually pretty hot too, but between once again teasing Austin being there and instead flipping the crowd the bird, the Dudleys being screwed of the tag titles, and the downtime to get Stacy Keibler carted out of the arena, the crowd had nothing to remotely keep their interest. And the Austin thing itself...well, they're obviously going to try to pop a cheap buyrate out of him possibly showing up at No Way Out, but there are two major problems with it. One, even if they don't shave those two days off, No Way Out is still well after Bischoff's 30 day limit runs out. That's not even difficult math, it's subtraction. Five year olds can do it. Two, this is twice in less than a week they've more or less said "Austin's here" and then went "No he's not." Try it one too many times, and you might as well be calling wolf, because nobody will be there to watch it.

I'll save you the trouble, Dr. Tom. Don't bother watching the tape unless you have a case of vodka handy. I know I wish I had a case of vodka handy after this garbage.

As always, you can send me your feedback here, and I won't even make you remove the leading X's.

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