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TNA
SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (11/6/2003)
By Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
Nov 6, 2003, 21:18

SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (11/6/2003)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

E-Mail of the Week: Pete Punwani decided to try his hand at fantasy booking.

Love you work every week. I feel really bad for you, you get out of Raw to recap what has become a weak Smackdown. Anyways I am not a person that likes to complain, so I sat and thought to myself, "how would I write Smackdown". This is what I came up with, what do you think?

Open up with the following match

Cruiser Weight Title Match: Ultimo Dragon vs. Tajari

Give these guys about 8 minutes to work, and have Dragon look real strong, in fact have him have the match almost won, when Tajari's thugs come in getting the intentional DQ.

Winner by DQ: Ultimo Dragon

After the match, the 3 on 1 beat down continues until Mysterio comes to the rescue, then it's a 3 on 2 beat down. Out comes Jamie Knoble. Finally Knoble gets on the mic and says he wants revenge, and challenges Tajari to a 5 on 5 Cruiser Weight Survivor Style Match. Mysterio and Dragon instantly join up, so now we have a 3 on 3.

In the back John Cena confronts Paul Heyman, asking him if he is on Team Lesnar. Heyman says to Cena to wait and see.

Commercial Break

As we return, Tajari is seeing talking to FBI, Nuzio agrees to join his team, as this goes on John Cena walks buy and crosses Lesnar. Cena asks if Lesnar heard right about being on his team, Lesnar says it's almost in the bag, and to watch the next match.

Match 2: Nathan Jones & Matt Morgan vs. Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty

Jones and Morgan get a clean pin fall victory when Morgan pins Scotty, keep this match to about 5-7 minutes.

Winner by Pin Fall: Jones & Morgan

Commercial Break

As we return Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit talks. Angle says to Benoit to prove that he genuinely wants to work with him, he asked Paul Heyman to give Benoit a US Title shot tonight. Benoit says, he would say thank you, but he doesn't need favors from anyone. Rey Mysterio finds Billy Kidman and Spanky and asks him to join his team. Both accept. All is well in face land.

Eddie Guerrero is on the way to the ring, he crosses Benjamin and Haas. WGTT wish Guerrero luck, and Haas cuts a nice promo telling Eddie that he admires how he overcame the drugs, just like Charlie overcame the loss of his brother. Guerrero heads to the ring for his match with the Basham's next.

Match 3: Eddie Guererro vs. The Basham Brothers

This match starts off hot, with Eddie hitting all his spots, the match goes to commercial.

Commercial Break

As we return, the match continues. Guerrero is booked strong, but eventually the double teaming gets to him, so out comes Chavo! Chavo tries to help Eddie, only to miss him and hit him with a steel chair. Danny gets the pin. Bashams win!

Winner by Pin: The Basham Brothers

After the match Chavo screams at Eddie calling him a drunkard bastard. And says that he is tired of carrying the team. He then asks Eddie if he has any balls left in him. This gets Eddie angry, and he says, he would have had the match won if not for Chavo. Chavo apologies, or so it looks as he gives Eddie a steel chair and beats Eddie senseless. Chavo then challenges Eddie to a match at Survivor Series, and tells Eddie he has one week to make up his mind.

Backstage, Matt Hardy and Shannon Moore see Tajari and company, and Tajari asks Shannon Moore to join his team. Hardy says that Moore will join the team now that Moore has proven he has a full grasp of Mattitude.

Commercial Break

We return to see John Cena bump into A Train, who is still angry about the week before. Cena tells A Train to chill out. And that once he joins Lesnar Team at Survivor Series he would make it up to him. A Train just walks off cracking his knuckles.

Video Segment of Vince McMahon: He talks about how the Undertaker use to have no emotion, how he was not the first person to smack Stephanie around. Vince says he has become the Undertaker, cold and evil. Meanwhile the Undertaker has lost his edge, and at Survivor Series he will bury him alive.

Kurt Angle and the APA are in the back, walking to the ring.

Match 4: Kurt Angle & the APA vs. FBI

Angle and APA win when Angle gets the ankle lock for the win.

Winners by Submission: Angle and APA

Commercial Break

We go backstage where WGTT demand a shot at the titles from Heyman. Heyman tells them that next week they must defeat Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty next week to get a shot at the belts.

Heyman goes to the ring and brings out Team Lesnar and announces the fifth team member....

A-Train

Cena comes out furious and asks why not him. Lesnar replies "because I hate you", and all 5 of them beat the crap out of Cena. Cena has to be carried to the back.

Commercial Break

Backstage Cena is trying to make it to the training room, when he sees Matt Hardy. Hardy tells Cena if he had more Mattitude he would have made Lesnar's team. Cena tells him to suck it, Hardy beats the hell out of Cena.

Angle and APA wish Benoit luck as his match with the Big Show is next.

Main Event: US TITLE MATCH Benoit vs. Big Show

Match leads into commercial break as Benoit tries to counter the Big Show's power with breaking down the Big Show's arm.

Commercial Break

We come back to one of those "during the break moments" Chavo is walking out of the building, when Eddie Guerrero assaults Chavo and beats the hell out of him. He says he doesn't need a week, he accepts, and at Survivor Series he will teach him tough love.

The match with Benoit and Big Show continues. However out comes members of Team Lesnar, and the match becomes a no contest as Team Angle and Team Lesnar ensue in an all out brawl. Lesnar's team gets the upper hand, until Bob Holly shows up. The heels retreat and the faces stand and the ring united.

END OF SHOW

Well, it's certainly a more coherent show than WWE usually provides us. But be realistic, Pete. Is there really any chance of the cruiserweights ever getting their own Survivor Series style match?

Two things:

1. I'd replace Kidman with Paul London on the face side since he has the regular tag team with Spanky going. Actually, either way is good considering fans would be more familiar with Kidman than London, but London makes for a better match, I think.

2. Never give Nathan Jones 5-7 minutes under any circumstances.


Forums Quote of the Week: Technically this is actually from before last week's SmackDown, but it's from a still-active thread and I didn't see it at all until Monday. So Plushy Al Logan has advice for all of you.

How to get a girl:

1. Buy a club

2. Follow her to a quiet place where no one will see you

3. Smash her head with club

4. Place her body into your trunk

5. Take her to a quiet place to have sex

6. After sex, dump her body in a hospital parking lot

7. Show up at her bedside, and pay her hospital bills.


That should do it.

For the record, that only works if the woman doesn't remember that you beat her with a club. It's a fine line.


Tonight: Eddy Guerrero meets The Basham Brothers in a handicap match, and if Eddy wins, Los Guerreros receive a Tag Team Title shot. Plus, the on-screen guide for Time Warner Cable lists Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit vs. The Big Show and Brock Lesnar. All they need is one more match and they can pretend they have a wrestling show.


Segment 1

Does the opening ever get people seizures?

Taped 11/4/2003 from Buffalo, New York and the...um...whatever they call the arena in Buffalo this week! Eddy has that big handicap match tonight! But first...

One fall: Rey Misterio Jr. vs. John Cena

Is Cena the fifth member of Brock Lesnar's team at Survivor Series? We'll likely find out tonight. Cena's freestyle says he's as likely to lose this match as Big Show is to go to the buffet and order one Cheerio. He then calls Rey "the Mexican Gary Coleman". And break out the "Cena" chant.

There's the bell, and are those two guys in the front row wearing Bushwhackers caps? Their back is to the camera, so I dunno... Rey uses his speed to keep Cena off balance, but Cena levels Rey with a shoulderblock. Rey counters a power bomb with a rana. Rey tries to fly, but Cena prevents a springboard with a hard right hand, and Rey lands hard on the floor. Back in, and Cena covers for 2. Cena starts kicking away, then he whips Rey hard into the turnbuckle and covers for 2. Series of stomps by Cena. Rey avoids a charge and climbs up top, but Cena stomps him and hits a delayed vertical suplex for 2. Reverse chinlock. Rey tries to elbow out, but Cena stops it. Rey elbows a charging Cena, boots him on another charge, and then he takes Cena down with a bulldog and covers for 2. Dropkick to the knee. Springboard bodyblock for 2. Springboard sitdown senton thingie for 2. Cena comes back with a clothesline. Cena dumps Rey throat first on the top rope, but Rey drop toeholds him and hits Cena (and referee Brian Hebner) with the 619. Rey comes off for the 619, but Cena hits a low blow. The F-U finishes Rey off in 5:47. I've seen better, but a solid opener. **

Let's waste no time with the angle development though, as Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman brings out King Brock I and his Knights to applaud. Heyman agrees with the crowd, and he likes Cena because he takes what he wants. But tonight, Heyman's going to give Cena something. But not the titles, because you have to earn those. But he did earn the privilege of being on Brock Lesnar's team at Survivor Series. Cena has the mic and he has a problem. You see, nobody tells Cena what to do. And besides, "I ain't gonna fit in on Team Sasquatch." Ape Train attacks from behind, and in come Nathan Jones and Matt Morgan to continue the beating. And The Too Damn Big Show with the Choke Slam. Can we finish things off with an F5? No? Well, how about a chair shot instead?

COMMERCIAL BREAK

And that should pretty much cement Cena's face turn, which wasn't all that necessary if that crowd was any indication. It seems pretty obvious that Cena is going to wind up on Angle's team after all of this. Anyway, a solid opener, as Rey gets to look strong while Cena also looks good in getting a (somewhat) clean win. But for the life of me, I can't figure out what this does to build Rey's seemingly on-going feud with Tajiri.

Segment 2

WrestleMania Recall: Bret Hart regains the WWF Title at WrestleMania X from Yokozuna. Just in case you missed it on Confidential.

A-Train is approached by Brock's team, and A-Train says he didn't mean anything by it, but Heyman likes his initiative. Which is why A-Train is now Brock's final partner at Survivor Series. Looks like they have a deal. Five hosses, no waiting.

Your hosts are Michael Coleslaw and Tazz, and they discuss the trials and tribulations of Eddy Guerrero.

And Eddy Guerrero is getting ready. Here comes Chavito Guerrero to make sure Eddy's ready. He's got Chavo in his corner...except he doesn't, because Heyman's banned Chavo from ringside. Chavo wants it done for Chavo, since Eddy's the one who lost the titles and all. And who was there for Eddy when he had his drug problem? Yeo, Chavo. So tonight, repay that love with a win and a title shot.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

No surprises so far. And are you getting the impression that Eddy's going to lose this handicap match after all? He's ready, he's focused...and then Chavo starts planting thoughts in Eddy's head that could wind up being a distraction in that match.

Segment 3

Non-Title Contest scheduled for one fall: The Too Damn Big Show (United States Champion) vs. Bradshaw

Show's wrestling Bradshaw? What happened to Angle/Benoit vs. Show/Lesnar? Faarooq's status at Survivor Series is up in the air after he was attacked by Show and Lesnar last week. Bradshaw begins punching away early and knocks Show out of the ring. He continues the fight to the floor and sends Show into the ringpost. Bradshaw up to the top rope for a flying tackle, and a cover for 2. Show reverses a whip and takes Bradshaw down with a big boot. Legdrop for 2. Headbutt. Roundhouse right. Another headbutt. Bradshaw tries fighting back but is knocked down. Another comeback is more successful, and a football tackle knocks Show down. Clotheslines and knees and punches. Hard clothesline over the top rope, and Bradshaw removes the padding from the guardrail. Into the guardrail goes Show. Show to the apron and clotheslining Bradshaw on the top rope. Bradshaw goes for the Clothesline from Hell, but he runs into a Choke Slam and is pinned at 3:49. It seemed like eight minutes. *

Backstage, Heyman is backing Torrie Wilson against the wall, and it's looking like a sexual harassment lawsuit is pending, because he wants it done his way with a smile on her face...

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Team Brock gains an advantage heading into Survivor Series with the win, which is perfectly fine, but let's put it this way. Next to Brock, Big Show might be the best of the heel team...and he can't carry Bradshaw to a decent match. And hell, I'm in the minority -- I'm one of the people who can tolerate Bradshaw! Unless the faces all work their asses off, Survivor Series could be a long night for the wrestling fan.

Segment 4

My Olympic Hero is on his cell phone. Chris BeNOIT walks in, and Angle makes it official: Faarooq is out of Survivor Series. In comes Torrie to tell us it'll be Angle and Benoit against A-Train, Brock, Jones, and Morgan. Oh dear God.

The hosts explain what we just heard, then shill the Buried Alive Match.

Earlier this week, The Undertaker, wearing the same clothes as last week, claims this is personal. It's his 13th anniversary with the WW(F)E, and Vince has screwed him the entire time because he has no respect. When Taker walks into the locker room, he gets respect because he shows respect. (I'm waiting for the smark comments on that one.) But Vince respects no one. And he has to atone for his sins to guys like Bret Hart and Steve Austin. And he respects his family even less than his wrestlers. "Well, in every man's life, there comes a time where you have to atone for your actions. Everyone. Even if your name is Vince McMahon." Somehow I don't think he meant that in regards to how the company is actually run these days, but it fits.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Good enough promo by The Undertaker, but that still doesn't change the fact that it's Taker vs. Vince.

And yes, these are shorter rants than usual tonight, but I'm sick and working on about six hours of sleep over the last three days, so fuck it.

Segment 5

Ernest Miller prepares for a night out on the town, and the APA's butler is now called "Lamont" and wearing a fake afro. The Cat's going out on the town with some white women. How does this make me care about him wrestling?

Handicap Match scheduled for one fall: Eddy Guerrero vs. The Brothers Basham (Tag Team Champions--w/Shaniqua's Breast Implants)

I refuse to comment on the Bashams' pre-match "ritual". Doug starts. Headlock, shoulderblock, stomps, and forearms by Eddy. Doug hits a high flapjack and punches away. Eddy back with punches and a turnbuckle smash. Chops. Forearm. Danny with a knee to the back, and Doug takes Eddy down with a pumphandle faceslam. Tag to Danny, and he hits a series of shoulderblocks. Spinning back suplex for 2. Eddy fighting back. Ropewalk headscissors, and Eddy gets both Bashams to the floor. Pescadoe (pescado? pescado? how about "slingshot splash") to Doug, but Shaniqua with a boot to the face to slow Eddy down. Series of covers by Danny for 2. Double slingshot suplex. Doug covers for 2. Reverse chinlock. Eddy tries to elbow out, but Doug takes Eddy back down with a bodyslam. Tag to Danny, who gets a series of elbowdrops for a 2 count. Chinlock. Eddy breaks it with a jawbreaker. But a quick boot to the face stops the onslaught. Doug tagged in, and he misses a flying legdrop. Eddy with a series of shoulderblocks and a top rope rana. Series of punches. Dropkick, Eddy knocks Danny off the apron, and then it's a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker to Doug. Danny in to make the save. Double team, but Eddy comes back and takes both men down. Rolling vertical suplexes for Doug, and Eddy's feeling froggy. Shaniqua on the apron, the Bashams switch again, but Eddy doesn't fall for it. He grabs Shaniqua's whip and uses it on the referee, then tosses it to Danny as Nick Patrick turns around. Eddy takes advantage of the confusion to roll up Danny for the pin at 7:30. **1/4 Chavo is out to celebrate.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Actually a pretty nicely booked matchup, with the Bashams controlling a good portion of the action, and Eddy using a combination of speed and ingenuity to find a way to win. Now the titles are on the line next week on SmackDown...but will the titles change hands, or will we jumpstart the Chavo-Eddy feud?

Segment 6

Still to come, that 2 vs. 4 handicap match.

Moments ago, Eddy got the huge win.

Backstage, Eddy and Chavo are off to celebrate. The horn actually plays "La Cucuracha".

And just when I'm thinking there are no meaningless interruptions on this show, here comes Mr. McAsshole for a promo. Vince asks that we not be afraid of him or what he's about to do. No snickering or being scornful of his genuine sincerity. Survivor Series hangs over his head "like the Sword of Damacles", so he asks for the crowd's understanding. As difficult as this is for him, he asks for forgiveness. I think he wants us to pray to Triple H. He even got down on one knee! Vince does pray: for his soul to be cleansed, his heart to be purged, for absolution. He must follow the beacon of light and purity and follow it to ultimate victory. But he asks not for forgiveness and understanding in the past, but for what he's about to do. "For you see, I've been chosen." Chosen by a "greater power" to take this glorious quest (to seek the Holy Grail? Sorry, wrong show) to bury The Undertaker alive. There's the evil grin on "Amen."

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Another decent enough promo, but did that freak anybody else out? I mean, the weird lighting and the evil Vince look? Creepy! And what is this feud based on? It's supposed to be about Taker getting revenge on Vince for screwing him out of the WWE Title and running Steph out of WWE for the third time, right? But now it's about which one is God? Is that right, or am I missing something? And if they both think they're God, do they pray to their opponent to have their sins forgiven? Are you tired of the rhetorical questions yet?

Segment 7

The WWE stars put over Hardcore Holly and Brock Lesnar. Mostly Hardcore Holly.

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Tajiri (Cruiserweight Champion--w/his friends) and Nunzio vs. Ultimo Dragon and Jamie By God Noble

Noble's back? Well, that explains what happened to the Rey-Tajiri feud. But why are cousins on opposite teams? Noble goes right after Tajiri, but Nunzio cuts him off. Noble gains an advantage and again goes right after Tajiri. Clothesline to Nunzio. Legdrop for 2. Tag to Ultimo, who hits a double chop. Forearm smash. Legsweep. Kick combo, ending with a jumping spinkick for 2. The heels quickly gain the advantage, as Tajiri tags in and focuses on Ultimo's leg. A series of counters ends with Ultimo kicking Tajiri in the chest. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, and Tajiri rolls to the floor for a Tastykake break. Dragon to the floor, the evil Japanese cornermen distract him, and Nunzio levels Dragon. Back into the ring. Nuznio tags in. Corner whip, elbowsmash. Sicilian Slice, and Noble makes the save. Tajiri tags in and kicks away at Dragon. What a kick by Tajiri! And one to the back of the head that earns a near fall. Turnbuckle smash and a tag to Nunzio. Nunzio with a snap mare and a rolling neck snap. Tajiri tags in. And a tag to Nunzio. Figure-four sleeper, and he uses the ropes for leverage with Jimmy Korderas unable to see it. Nunzio goes for a superplex, but Ultimo blocks it and takes Nunzio down with a gourdbuster. Tag to Tajiri, hot tag to Noble, and Noble simply kicks away at Tajiri. He even has some shots for Nunzio. Swinging neckbreaker to Tajiri, and now all four men are in to hit their trademark moves. Noble ducks a handspring elbow and turns it into a magistral cradle for the pin at 6:57. **1/2 Tajiri's gang runs in, but Noble quickly hightails it.

Up next, the 2 vs 4 main event.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Seven minutes for the cruiserweights? That's seven minutes of making me happy. This does a nice job building to the inevitable Noble-Tajiri blowoff match. My lone complaint is it really doesn't do anything for either Dragon or Nunzio. They were merely fodder to keep Tajiri and Noble away from each other as much as possible. Good stuff though.

Segment 8

We're at the HSBC Arena. I thought they'd changed the name of it again, but it looks like I'm mistaken. I can't keep Buffalo's arena straight anymore with all the name changes since they stopped using the War Memorial Auditorium.

"Build a Bridge" by Limp Bizkit is the theme song for Survivor Series, which features the Buried Alive Match between The Undertaker and Vince McMahon. Tajiri defends the Cruiserweight Title against Jamie Noble. Team Angle vs. Team Lesnar. And let's show you how A-Train became a teammate on Team Lesnar.

4 vs. 2 Handicap Match scheduled for one fall: King Brock I (WWE Champion), Nathan Jones, Matt Morgan and Ape Train vs.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Nice to see they've added a Cruiserweight Title Match to the PPV, as I didn't expect that. Nothing else to add.

Segment 9

Ever the optimist, Brock Lesnar decides to do commentary because he's the champion and can do what he wants. So there!

4 vs. 2 Handicap Match scheduled for one fall: King Brock I (WWE Champion), Nathan Jones, Matt Morgan and Ape Train vs. My Olympic Hero and Chris BeNOIT

Jones and Angle start. Jones simply throws Angle to the mat. Angle tries to wrestle but is mowed down by a shoulderblock. So he's added a move while in OVW. (Ooo, burn!) Angle again tries to wrestle, but Jones with an elbow. Press slam, but Angle slips behind and dropkicks the knee. Tag to Benoit. Benoit with chops to no effect, and Jones slams him to the mat. Tag to Morgan. Kick to the midsection. Benoit ducks a clothesline but eats a headbutt. Beell. Benoit with a drop toehold and a front facelock. Morgan with a headlock, but Benoit sends Morgan to the corner and tags Angle. Morgan headbutts Angle. Side slam for 2. Headbutt. Morgan charges but gets a dropkick to the knee for his trouble. Benoit tags in and punches away. Morgan punches Benoit and whips him into the corner. Tag to A-Train (Thank God...what am I saying?). A-Train with a bearhug on Benoit. Benoit forearms out of it but is knocked down by A-Train. Double underhook suplex.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

OK, the most talented of the heels is sitting on commentary, so we get this. Well, Morgan does a Beell throw, which is one more wrestling move than Nathan Jones knows. Please get better.

Segment 10

Benoit comes back with some chops but eats a double forearm. Outside the ring goes Benoit (thanks to A-Train), and Brock finally gets involved by attacking Benoit. A-Train rolls Benoit back into the ring for 2. Tag to Brock, who has focused his attacks on Benoit's back. Elbowdrop. Delayed cradle suplex for a couple of 2 counts. Turnbuckle smash and a tag to A-Train. A-Train tries to punch as Benoit tries to cover up. Slaps and stomps. Tag to Morgan. A series of shoulderblocks. Bearhug. Angle finally runs in to break up the hold. Tag to A-Train. Headbutt. Benoit with some chops, but A-Train with a knee to the back. Benoit gets the knees up to block the Vader Bomb, then he takes him down with a release German suplex. Tag to Brock, hot tag to Angle, and Angle into the rolling Germans. Morgan comes in but eats an Angle Slam. Angle then uses his speed to avoid all four men, then counters the F5 into the Angle Slam. Ankle Lock, Benoit prevents A-Train's save and locks him in the Crippler Crossface, and in comes The Big Show to get the heels disqualified at 14:25. All that for a DQ? You've gotta be shitting me. * Bradshaw runs in and hits the Clothesline from Hell. Jones and Morgan come in after Bradshaw, and out comes John Cena with a chair to lay out the heels. Brock comes in for the last set of chair shots and begins to celebrate.

END OF SHOW

I'll give the match one star because the finish was pretty hot up until Show's run-in, but this was boring as hell until the hot tag. I get the story they were trying to tell: Four big men are likely going to beat two smaller men, no matter how hard the smaller men fight. But Angle and Benoit didn't get anything going even when they were fresh, and this wound up being a slow and boring exhibition for most of the match. As far as the new additions go, Jones still sucks. I'll hold off on judging Morgan until I've seen more of him, but so far I'm not impressed.

Overall, a better show from an in-ring standpoint than last point, although that was almost guaranteed by actually having wrestling matches on this show. This show lacked from a storyline standpoint though. I mean, it wasn't bad, with the Taker-Vince stuff limited to two promos and the bulk of the focus being on the elimination match (where it should be). But last week's show seemed to fly by, and this week's seemed to drag on and on as things went along. That could be the Sudafed talking, but I don't think so.

Decent, but not great, in-ring action. Decent, but not great, storyline development. Therefore it's a decent, but not great, show. Not as entertaining as last week's show, which pains me to say since I'm such an advocate for the "shut up and wrestle" side of things.

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