TNA
The Royal Treatment: Smackdown (5.6.04)
By Peter Kostka
May 6, 2004, 23:22

Like the new title? Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

Hoo boy, with the Friends finale tonight, and this show being the way it is recently, I wouldn�t be surprised to see a rating around 2.8.

Previously recorded in Tuscon, Arizona

No pyro or opening at all this week, as Michael Cole is standing in the ring, looking all somber. On Sunday, at an El Paso, Texas house show, Eddie Guerrero�s mother had a heart attack in the ring. We go to footage from after the event where, after Eddie had brought in his wife and kids into the ring, he brings in his mother Lori. Unfortunately John Bradshaw Layfield makes his presence known by attacking Eddie. He shares some words with Mama Guerrero, and the simple act of PUTTING HIS HAND ON HER SHOULDER causes said heart attack. If something like THAT causes a heart attack in a person, then they should have had their cholesterol checked a while ago. Medics rush the ring as the camera cuts to fans looking sad and worried, even though I could make out a �she�s not hurt� chant as they wheel her out of there. We go to the announce table, and Cole and Tazz (who isn�t wearing his sunglasses, so it MUST be serious) damn Bradshaw and his �despicable actions.�

Thoughts: Since I�ve actually had a family member suffer a heart attack, this is IMMENSLY stupid of WWE to pull something like this. As if the idea of Bradshaw getting a title shot was bad enough, they had to wrap THIS crap around it. My god, are we going to see �Crazy Mama Guerrero� in a mental institution now?

- Commercials �

Coming up tonight: JBL talks about the events of Sunday, RVD and Eddie face the Dudleys, and the Undertaker is in action.

John Cena vs. Doug Basham (w/Danny Basham) non-title match

What is with the US title never being defended outside of PPV? Do the bookers just forget it�s there? Cena�s rap is the same old thing: start by kissing up to the fans, and then launch into the gay innuendo and throw a pack of nuts at the opponent. Face Cena is horrible. Cena gets a hiptoss and grabs a headlock to start, but Doug shoulders out of it and takes control. Cena sends Doug into the corner, but Doug fights back with some forearms and whips Cena hard into the corner. He goes for a DDT, but Cena holds onto the ropes and Danny hops onto the apron and clubs him down. That gets Doug two. He hits the chinlock, but Cena fights out and grabs a sleeper, which Danny counters into one of his own. Cena gets a blue thunder bomb to get out of it and hits a sidewalk slam and the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Danny hops onto the apron again, but Cena just knocks him off and FU�s Doug for the pin at 5:00. 3/10

Thoughts: So vanilla that I�m looking for some sprinkles right now. I know Doug Basham isn�t the guy to look at if you want a great match, but Cena is getting so very stale right now. I�m actually going to root for Dupree to take the title since it should actually lead somewhere.

- Commercials �

- Booker T enters some kind of voodoo shop (this already sounds bad), looking for some juju to help him beat Taker. He gets cold feet, however, but a woman with THE WORST JAMAICAN ACCENT EVER beckons him to join her. Mama Shangri (?) (Papa Shango�s wife, perhaps?) tells Booker to �get help from the other side�, and gives him some voodoo trinkets, including the nails of a dead convict�s coffin and something from a three legged dog (what, no bag of wooden nickels?), but tells him to find the grave of �the man with no name� (insert Ed Leslie joke here) and collect some dirt to finish the recipe. Geez, if they wanted to be even MORE cheesier, they should have just gotten Miss Cleo to be the voodoo lady. It�s not like she�s doing anything nowadays.

- Commercials �

Chavo Guerrero (w/Chavo Classic) vs. the World

And the best that the world can offer? Jacqueline. Oh great, someone brought a tape of Ed Ferrera �s Greatest Hits to the booking offices. JR better get to training. Chavo thinks she�s joking and goes off on a misogynistic rant, which gives him major heat with the crowd, finishing by telling Jacqueline to get him a sammich, which she answers with a slap. Chavo takes her down, but misses a corner splash and Jackie hits a headscissors, but Chavo suplexes her and calls for the belt. The ref stops Chavo Classic, however, and Jackie goes low and rolls Chavo up for the pin at 2:17. El DUD

Thoughts: Well, they�re in Texas, so I guess it�s our yearly Jacqueline match. I know some people would say this wasn�t too bad, that at least she knows how to wrestle, but really, no one cares about Jacqueline and this crap just devalues the Cruiser title even more. Either Chavo wins the title back at the PPV, or just dump the thing and let all the cruisers go to TNA, since they will at least have something to do there and not get shortchanged week after week.

- Commercial for RAW, which pretty much shows the canyon that separates RAW and Smackdown right now �

- Commercials �

- Replay of the next nail hammered into the Cruiserweight coffin �

- Nunzio and Johnny Stamboli are in the ring, awaiting their opponents, but Mr. Angle is wheeled out instead. The crowd gives him an extended �You suck� chant, and Angle thought the fans would appreciate him and his sacrifices more than that now that he can�t wrestle ever again. As an American, he is ashamed. Angle promised that Undertaker would be in action tonight, but no one would bite (although if he could, he would have jumped at the chance). So Nunzio and Stamboli are the lucky winners tonight.

The Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) vs. the FBI

Oh joy, haven�t seen THIS matchup enough! Stamboli jumps Taker to start, but of course gets pummled. Nunzio drops his throat on the top rope and gets booted off the apron. Taker yanks on Stamboli�s arm and goes for the ropewalk, but Nunzio distracts him and Stamboli gets a DDT for 2. Taker sits up, of course, and cleans house, hitting a Flatliner on Stamboli before choking Stamboli out for the win at 2:09 (can we at least crack three minutes tonight?) Nunzio gets a Last Ride (with Nunzio crossing himself while on Taker�s shoulders) for good measure. Just in case we haven�t gotten enough squashing goodness, Stamboli gets a Tombstone. Cole states that we are privileged to see Taker in action. Shouldn�t Taker HAVE to wrestle, you know, since he�s under contract to do so and stuff?

Thoughts: Might as well go back to Bikertaker, since there really is zero difference between the two now. This whole �ooh, it�s the Dead Man again, whoo hoo!� thing will blow over once we are reminded over and over that the matches suck.

- In the graveyard, Booker finds the Grave of the Booty Man or whatever and scoops up some dirt. As he leaves, a cold wind blows through and a gloved hand pops out of the grave. Dear lord, they aren�t going down THAT road again?

- Commercials �

- Josh Matthews is stationed in front of Eddie Guererro�s locker room, but let�s take ANOTHER look at Mama Guerrero�s Vulcan Death Grip induced heart attack (you know they have nothing else in the tank when they replay the same segment twice). Eddie joins Josh, who asks him a monumentally stupid question (�Do you blame JBL for your mother, or do you blame yourself?), and slinks off as Eddie shakes in Latino Rage~!

- Commercials � (I�m doing my best not to switch to Friends, even though I don�t really like the show)

Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie

Oh great. Excuse me a moment�.

ARRRRRRRRRGHTGQSDSDFFFFDFFYHGHGFHHGHGGHDASRTFGFDYD!!!!!!!

*Ahem*

Dawn works over Torrie in the corner to start and pulls on her mouth. Geez Dawn, it�s not women�s tennis, stop screaming so much. She hits a legdrop for 2. Dawn undresses��..the turnbuckle and rams Torrie into it, but she blocks attempt #2 and hits a neckbreaker for 2. Torrie goes up, and Rene Dupree (oh I forgot while I was tying the noose, Rene joined Cole and Tazz at the table for this one) tries to pull her off, but she kicks him off and that draws Cena to ringside as Torrie hits a crossbody for 2. Dawn dropkicks Torrie out and Rene stalks her, but Cena comes to her defense and they brawl as the chicks flee and we throw the whole thing out at 2:58. No rating. Rene throws Cena into the crowd and beats him up in the ring, finishing up by powerbombing Cena through the announce table.

Thoughts: And the crap just keeps piling itself on. The US title match looks to be the only one that has any potential at all (but being a �show stealer� wouldn�t really mean much on a card like Judgement Day�s), and is the only one without a Russorific buildup, it seems.

- Commercials �

- During the break, Dupree kept pouring it on Cena �

- Update on Mama Guerrero: She had a mild heart attack and is back home. All this for a goddamn MILD heart attack? I really hate the SD bookers right now.

- Rundown of the JD card, all THREE of the matches announced.

- John Bradshaw Layfield (�live� via satellite from NYC) interview. He didn�t cause Mama Guerrero�s heart attack, he won�t apologize, and he�ll be on SD next week to confront Eddie. He also thinks Mama faked it, since that kind of think is inbred in the Guerrero family.

- Special VIP Guest Paul Heyman catches up with Mr. Angle and warns that if Eddie Guerrero injures either of the Dudleys in their match, he will advise them to sue and Angle may get fired. Angle pulls Eddie out of the match and tells Luther Rains to fetch his replacement.

RVD and Rey Mysterio vs. the Dudleys

RVD works over Buh Buh in the corner to start and knocks D�von off the apron, but Buh Buh stops that with a clothesline and tags D�Von, who gets a hurricanrana for his troubles. RVD works him over with the Educated Feet, but Buh Buh yanks him down by the hair and tags in. Double team shoulder gets 2 and Buh Buh jaws with Rey, which allows RVD to get a kick in for a 2 count. Buh Buh tries to prevent the tag, but RVD kicks him off and tags Rey. Rey tries a sunset flip and avoids a sitdown splash, dropkicking Buh Buh in the face and covering, but D�Von breaks it up. Rey dropkicks him into 619 position, but Buh Buh trips him up. D�Von misses a charge and Rey hits 10 punches, gets a rana and finally bulldogs him for 2. Buh Buh comes in and knocks RVD off the apron while D� Von crotches Rey on the post as we go to a break. Coming back, D�Von has a chinlock on Rey. Rey fights out of it and counters a suplex with a neckbreaker. RVD makes a false tag and the Dudleys take the opportunity to work over Rey. D�Von gets 2 off it and tags in Buh Buh. He goes for the Bomb, but Rey counters and gets the tag. Kicks of Fury and he hits a flying one on D�Von for 2. D�Von whips him, but eats a boot. Rey comes in with a Bombs Away and RVD hits the split-legged moonsault, but Buh Buh breaks up the pin. He catches Rey on a crossbody and slams him. D�Von goes up, but RVD pushes him off the top while Rey dropkicks Buh Buh out and dives after him. RVD goes for the five-star, but D�Von moves. He gets enziguiried into the ropes and Rey hits the 619. RVD gets Rolling Thunder while Rey drops the dime and they get the duke at 16:07. 7/10. The Dudleys 3D Rey and D�Von goes for a chair, but Eddie runs in and goes berserk, pasting the both of them with it, busting Buh Buh open. He dumps the ref and RVD tries to calm Eddie down, but RVD gets a chair in the face too. Nick Patrick comes in and gets a chairshot as well. Eddie stands in the ring looking psychotic as we fade to black.

Thoughts: Good fast paced tag match. I really wouldn�t mind a match between the four at the PPV (it�s not like they have anything ELSE to do). Eddie going berserk at the end was a pretty cool ending, and if he takes this attitude to the PPV, that main event might have some hope yet.

Final Thoughts: Barring the main event, just a horrible show. Bad angles, bad wrestling, bad booking, this one had it all. Here�s a really easy way to see how far apart the two brands are right now: In one week, RAW scheduled FIVE matches for Monday (which you could call their �mini-PPV� show), each one holding some interest. Smackdown has had TWO MONTHS to set up their feuds and matches for Judgement Day. How many do we know of 10 days before the show? THREE. One match we�ve already seen (Taker-Booker), one that either could be pretty decent or really bad (the main event), and one that might be pretty good (the US title match). Smackdown needs to gather itself together and figure out a direction because I don�t know what the hell they are planning in the long term. Why can�t WWE have a brand extension without having one show be really good while the other is a complete mess? Can someone answer that for me?

Well, they have one more week before the PPV, so maybe we�ll have FIVE matches announced. See you then.

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