TNA
The Royal Treatment: Smackdown (5.13.04)
By Peter Kostka
May 14, 2004, 01:47

I�ll bet I�m one of about 15 people that know there is a PPV this weekend.

Some notes about the forums (register now and join the fun) before we begin this week:

- If you are into e-feds, we have two running strong here at TSM. First there is the Smarks Wrestling Federation (SWF), which has been up and running for nearly 4 years now, and you can read up on their history here. The other fed, which yours truly is a part of, is the OaOast. While not as structured as the SWF is, the OaOast often times goes �outside the box� in their shows. You can read up on their history here

Both feds could always use some new blood, so give them a look.

- With baseball season in full swing, now is a good time to join the Smartmarks Fake Baseball League, headed by forum poster Evolution, and run in the Out of the Park Baseball PC simulation game. All you have to do is create a character, and Evo will plug you in. You will get drafted by one of the 24 teams in the league and follow your player�s career on his own stats page (I am a reliever on the Columbus Pride). Evo has really stuck with it, as we are about to enter the 2014 postseason (the league started in 2003). That means if you sign up soon, you will jump right into things by entering the 2015 draft.

Have any thoughts on this week�s recap? Send me some feedback right here


We start off with another recap of Mama Guerrero�s �heart attack�, and Eddie�s chair-assisted assault at the end of last week�s show.

Ooh, a new opening. Looks like something out of Michael Jackson�s Rock With You video with the lasers and all.

Previously recorded in Reno, Nevada. Michael Cole and Tazz are at ringside.

Tonight: John Bradshaw Layfield faces Rey Mysterio

Rob Van Dam vs. �The Dudley�

As I figured, it�s RVD/Rey Mysterio vs. the Dudleys for Judgement Day. His opponent tonight looks to be Buh Buh Ray, as he walks out and taunts RVD on the outside, but alas, D-Von is the Dudley in question and he jumps RVD from behind. So they are using a variation on the Killer Bees routine? Get the bleach out for D�Von (or the tanning bed for Buh Buh). D�Von keeps up the attack and chokes him in the ropes, but RVD fights back and hits a spin kick for 2. RVD sets up for the springboard moonsault, but Buh Buh hops up and gets in his face, which allows D�Von to sneak behind and take him down with a neckbreaker. D�Von stays on the neck, choking him with his wrist tape and putting the boots on in the corner before hitting the chinlock. RVD fights out of it, but gets clotheslined down for 2. Back to the chinlock, and RVD fights out again, rolling through a knee to the gut for 2. D�Von charges into a knee to the face and RVD hits a flying kick for another 2. He goes up, but Buh Buh grabs the foot, so RVD kicks him off and follows with a hilo just in case Buh Buh didn�t get the message. He flips back into the ring over D�Von and kicks him down, following up with some Rolling Thunder, but Buh Buh puts D�Von�s foot on the rope. RVD gets another kick that sends D�Von into the ref. RVD goes up, but Buh Buh crotches him on the ropes and D�Von spikes him with a DDT for the pin at 7:26. The Duds put the boots on RVD until Rey Mysterio runs in for the save.

Rating: 5/10

Thoughts: An inoffensive, if sloppy opener. I appreciate them trying to go with the neck psychology, but it�s a 7 minute TV match; don�t waste time with chinlocks and sleepers, just get on with it. In my opinion, D�Von just doesn�t cut it in singles competition. He�s like the Marty Jannetty of the Dudleys (although Buh Buh is no Shawn Micheals by any stretch of the imagination.)

- In the back, Mr. Angle catches up with Eddie Guerrero. Eddie is a �loose cannon�, so says Angle, and he�d better not pull anything tonight, or there will be �severe consequences.� Eddie just walks off, which makes Angle less than happy.

- Commercials - I saw the 10 minute teaser of The Day After Tomorrow on FOX the other night and I�d like to see what kind of a plot they can slap together between all the disaster scenes. I like mindless summer movies as much as the next guy, but this looks absolutely horrible.

- Kenzo Suzuki promo. If you don�t know, this guy was first billed as �Hirohito� (the name of the Japanese Emperor during WWII), who, 60 years later mind you, wants the US to pay for what happened to Japan. That�s a long grudge to hold. Obviously they found out that the gimmick wasn�t getting a great reception (although I�ll bet they were SURPRISED at that), so they dropped it. He was supposed to get a main event push vs. Benoit, but they�re already having second thoughts after actually taking the time to see him work. If that situation doesn�t sound like utter stupidity to you, forward your resume to WWE immediately.

- Cole is in the ring, and introduces our new Cruiserweight Champ, Jacqueline. We take a look at how she won last week as she comes to the ring. We are reminded why she should never talk, and Chavo and Chavo Classic mercifully cuts her off after 10 seconds of celebration. Chavo calls her a thief (which she was, considering she cheated to win the title). Losing last week was the worst day of his career and, quite possibly, his life. Cole, back at the table, doesn�t mind that Jackie cheated (Why? Who knows?). He was able to get a rematch for JD, and, to prove that he is a MANLY MAN; he�ll have one arm tied behind his back. Yeah, we didn�t want an entertaining cruiser match for that show, anyway. Chavo Classic wants retribution TONIGHT however, and challenges her to a match.

- Commercials �

Chavo Classic vs. Jacqueline (non-title match)

Chavo Classic takes her down and spanks her to start, but gets dropkicked out for his troubles. Back in, she takes him down and slaps his head, but Chavo takes control and hooks an abdominal stretch. He grabs the ropes like a good heel, but right in front of the ref like a bad heel, and Jackie counters out with a hiptoss. CC hits a backdrop suplex and goes for a pumphandle, but Jackie counters and rolls him up for 2. CC runs into a boot and Jackie takes him down with a tornado DDT for 2. I kind of wish that move was used more often. CC tries to backdrop her out, but Jackie lands on the apron. Chavo Regular takes the opportunity to yank her to the floor. He tosses her back in and CC gets the win for men everywhere at 2:49. Vengeful Jacqueline reverts to 4th grade and pulls CC�s pants down and has a good laugh.

Rating: 2/10

Thoughts:Yeah, Jacqueline is trying, but really, she hasn�t been on the radar for years now. Why her over guys like Rey, Ultimo Dragon, and Paul London? You can call the ending to the PPV match right now: Chavo frees his arm somehow (probably with Chavo Classic�s help) and wins the title back. It�s just so cut and dried. Just like this match. Chavo and Chavo Classic are probably the best heels on Smackdown right now, but they fly way under the radar because WWE just does not care about anyone in the cruiserweight division (as evidenced by the Cruiserweight Open at Wrestlemania).

- Commercials �

- Mr. Angle is still miffed at Eddie�s lack of respect, and wants Luther to find him right now.

- Recap of Booker T�s voodoo shopping trip last week.

- Angle again finds Eddie in the same spot they were before. He threatens to strip Eddie of the title and give it to Bradshaw if Eddie gets involved with his match with Rey Mysterio tonight. Angle also makes a valid point in that the heart attack his mother had might have had more to do with the fact that she is 77 years old, but Eddie doesn�t want to listen to logic and gets in his face, causing Angle to get wheeled the hell out of there.

Thoughts: I�d just like to note that I like Angle�s �bitter forced retiree� character. It�s still the same old commissioner angle, but I like Angle�s spin on it.

- Commercials �

- Cole and Tazz talk about our main event tonight, and John Bradshaw Layfield calls in from his limo, promising to make a statement vs. Rey. He notes that there will probably be a problem with Eddie tonight.

The FBI (w/casts and bandages) vs. Booker T (w/bag of voodoo goodies)

Both Nunzio and Johnny Stamboli are all bandaged up to sell the effects of their match with Undertaker last week. Booker requested the match so he can show that he�s just as powerful as the Undertaker (which is what the voodoo stuff did, I guess). The FBI are less than thrilled that they have to get beaten up again, and that�s exactly what Booker does, picking apart both guys before dropping Nunzio ribs first on the barrier and hitting a scissor kick on Stamboli for the pin at 2:34. The lights go out while Paul Bearer comes out, and Booker heads down the aisle, but ooh, Taker�s IN THE RING ALREADY!!! Wow, how did he DO that?

Rating: None

Thoughts:Well, Booker took :30 longer than Taker did, so there goes the theory of being stronger and better than Taker. Maybe some garlic would do the trick? I miss the old Undertaker that would just look really scary and lock people in coffins.

- Commercials �

- Eddie Guerrero comes out for a promo. As WWE champ, he represents the fans, the boys in the back, and America. America isn�t about people like Bradshaw, it�s about the Land of Opportunity, and making something of yourself. He goes on about that for a while as the fans focus on getting themselves on TV more than the promo. Finally, Eddie just wants to get it over with and calls Bradshaw out. He doesn�t want his kids to see this side of him, though, so he tells his wife to turn off the TV (it�s about 9 now, so people are probably wondering �How is Frasier ending?� and are doing the same). His limo rolls out and Eddie goes for the door, but it�s locked. He grabs a pipe and shatters the window, but JBL is nowhere to be found. Aha! It was a ruse! Out come the rent-a-cops to arrest Eddie (man, we�re just TEARING through the clich�s tonight, aren�t we?) for vandalism. �It�s not the first time, and it won�t be the last time.� says Eddie. What a hero of the people. JBL comes out and berates him, and Eddie charges at him, which proves to be not the brightest thing, since JBL just pounds on him freely, adding assault to the charges. They drag him off as we go to break.

Thoughts: I applaud Eddie for at least trying to put SOME life into this garbage, but the whole angle is so inane and stupid that NO ONE is buying it. The worst thing? I would not be the least surprised to see JBL win Sunday.

- Commercials �

- In case you fell asleep, here�s Eddie�s arrest again.

Rico (w/Miss Jackie and Charlie Hass) vs. Hardcore Holly (w/Billy Gunn)

Apparently these two teams are going at it at JD. Can you say �slapped together�? Hass has fairy normal tights on this week, but still won�t walk down the runway with Rico and Jackie. Rico looks Holly over, but Holly don�t play that way. They trade headlocks and Holly goes behind, but Rico bends over and Holly backs off. Another headlock, but Rico counters with an armdrag and armbar. Holly takes control in the corner, but Rico dishes it out as much as he can take it. He hits the chinlock (*sigh*), but Holly hotshots him on top to escape, kicking him in the crotch for good measure. He goes for the Alabamamamama Slam, but Rico rolls him up for 2. Holly hits the Best Dropkick in the Bidness, but that only gets 2. Rico nails a superkick for another 2 and goes up for a crossbody, but Holly rolls through it and gets the pin at 4:42.

Rating: 2/10

Thoughts: Ok, so�..who is the face team here? Rico�s antics were what they were, but Holly and Gunn are so damn useless that there is no possible way we�re getting a good match at the PPV. The tag division is so barren that I�d consider Nunzio and Stamboli as credible challengers.

- Another match for JD announced: Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie. Whoo, that match will bring in AT LEAST 15,000 buys.

- Rene Dupree feels like he is not very welcome in America. He speaks the truth and gets booed. Americans are hated, yada yada. He references the Iraqi prisoner abuse just so we know WWE can keep up with current events.

- Commercials �

- Mordecai promo. Apparently he�s going to be at Judgement Day. Well hell, there�s another 25,000 buys right there!

John Cena vs. Sakoda (w/Akio) (non-title, naturally)

These two are useless without Tajiri. No rap, but Cena�s character becomes even more castrated when he gives his shirt to a kid at ringside. Cena slugs away to start and Sakoda bails, dragging Cena out with him, but Cena just keeps pouring it on. Akio makes himself useful by kicking Cena in the face. Sakoda gets 2 back in the ring and drives a knee into his face for another 2. He grabs a sleeper, but Cena fights out of it, hitting a clothesline, shoulderblock, 5 Knuckle Shuffle, and an FU for the pin. Akio gets FUed (on top of Sakoda) and Cena throws the trademark nuts at them.

Rating: 2/10

Thoughts: I�m saddened by the gradual pussification of the Cena character by the week. I loved the original character but, just like when Rock turned face, it seems as if he�s become neutered. Rock at least kept the creative insulting up, but he focused on his opponents than the fans. Cena seems to be in a total rut, especially in his matches. That�s two weeks in a row that Cena escaping a sleeper was used to transition to the finish. We need a Cena heel turn, STAT.

- RAW Rebound, where even a mildly disappointing outing on Monday is light-years better than SD has been.

- Commercials �

John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Rey Mysterio

Bradshaw bullies Rey around to start, shoving him around and taunting him. Rey tries to use his speed, but JBL shoulders him down. Rey fights out of a powerbomb and bails, forcing JBL to chase him around ringside and wear him out (hey, an attempt at psychology, neat). Rey knocks him off balance with a baseball slide and dives, but JBL just catches him and hits a fall-away slam. Back in, JBL hits a delayed vertical and puts Rey in an incredibly lazy torture rack (so lazy Lex Luger would be shaking his head), parading him around the ring. Rey escapes and bounces off the ropes, but JBL simply clotheslines him down and hits a pumphandle. He puts Rey on top, but Rey actually gets some OFFENSE in and hits a tornado DDT before dropkicking him into the ropes and hitting the 619. West Coast Pop is easily ducked, however, and JBL clotheslines him down and dumps him. He keeps the squash going on the outside, lumbering about without a care in the world. Back in, he powerbombs Rey into the turnbuckles and hits the Clothesline from Wall Street for the merciful pin at 8:38. JBL grabs the mic and guarantees victory on Sunday to end the show.

Rating: None

Thoughts: I gave this match no rating because what the hell am I supposed to rate? How well Rey took getting absolutely NO offense in and how mind numbingly slow and lazy JBL was? I take back what I said last week; there is no way in hell Eddie can drag a good match out of Bradshaw on Sunday. No fucking way.

Final Thoughts: I actually think this might have been an even WORSE show than last week. Sure we had more wrestling, but none of it was the least bit entertaining. The characters are becoming completely bland, the angles are moronic, and if I wasn�t recapping this show, I would stay the hell away from it and watch MXC instead. Japanese people getting hurt is EONS better than this show is right now. Really, WWE, with all the talent it has at its disposal, can�t have TWO good shows at the same time? One ALWAYS has to be good while the other ALWAYS sucks? I just can�t understand it.

Oh, and here�s the Judgement Day card:

JBL vs. Eddie Guerrero (WWE title match)
John Cena vs. Rene Dupree (US title match)
Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie
Undertaker vs. Booker T
RVD/Rey vs. The Dudleys
Gunn/Holly vs. Rico/Hass (Tag title match)
Jacqueline vs. Chavo Guerrero (Cruiserweight title match)

Are there ANY good matches that you can see there? I sure as hell can�t. Ah well, like Scott Keith, I only have to do two more weeks of this. Of course, unlike SK, I have to GO BACK to this show in July.

ARGH!


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