Friday Night SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (9/30/2005)
Taped 9/27/2005 from Laredo, Texas! Any illegal Mexicans in the Laredo Entertainment Center? Dude, they're explaining Laredo's major points. That's so retro to 1987 WWF Superstars!
Out comes John Bradshaw Layfield with a...sombrero...Mexican flag...burro...a tequila bottle...and an innertube? Bradshaw's an illegal Mexican? Apparently he's coming out for our opening match.
JBL basically insults the entire immigration system (and, apparently, 8,000 illegal Mexicans), before claiming he went across the border to visit Rey's family. He does an extended (but rather funny) promo implying that he helped about 48 members of Rey's family cross the border at 2am. It does go on way too long and I started tuning out before it was over.
One fall: John Bradshaw Layfield and Mr. Kennedy.......................Kennedy vs. Rey Misterio Jr. and Hardcore Holly
Kennedy confuses the burro for Tony Chimel. Now that was funny.
Jesus, twelve minutes just to get through the intros and we need a commercial break? See what happens when you give JBL a live mic?
We're actually getting the whole match, but not before Rey Rey does the Mexican hat dance. Rey starts with Kennedy and gets an early two count. Rey runs off the ropes, JBL hits Rey from behind with the innertube, and there's the distraction that allows Kennedy to clothesline Rey and turn the tide. JBL tags in, and he slams Rey, only for Holly to catch JBL with a knee to the back as JBL hits the ropes, which allows Rey to DDT JBL. Hardcore tags in, and he chops JBL all to hell before getting a two count. Vertical suplex for 2. Tag to Rey, and JBL quickly pounds his way to the advantage. Tag to Kennedy, and Rey drop toeholds him to set up the 6-1-9, but JBL trips Rey, pulls him to the outside, and begins leveling Rey with the Mexican flag. Kennedy then follows them to the floor and rams Rey's back into the ring apron. Kennedy rolls him back in and covers for 2. Tag to JBL, and he makes the back his focus, at one point getting a vicious looking fallaway slam in on Rey. Bearhug. Rey bites his way out of it but gets taken down with a shoulderblock. Kennedy tags in and covers for 2, then follows up the work on Rey's back. Rey is able to get his bulldog "counter" in. Tag to JBL, hot tag to Hardcore, and Holly is in control with shoulderblocks. Backdrop. Full nelson slam to an incoming Kennedy. Holly clotheslines Kennedy to the floor, then dropkicks JBL in the face. Going for the Alabama Slam, but Kennedy helps JBL counter, and all four men are going at it until JBL hits the Clothesline from Hell for the pin at 7:33.
Bob Orton Jr. has challenged The Undertaker, and Eddie Guerrero and Batista get a shot at the WWE Tag Team Titles. Let's review their victory last week that led to their title shot tonight.
Much better than I anticipated, actually. I loved the continued work on Rey's back, as that will theoretically slow the cruiserweight down. Unfortunately, it means nothing as it relates to the finish, but at least it was an entertaining eight minutes.
Eddy Guerrero eats some Mexican food. He stole that strategy from Dusty Rhodes. In comes Batista, and Eddy apologizes for letting Batista down despite the victory. Batista then question whether Eddy should be eating the food since he had the stomach thing last week, so he takes his food for him.
In a wwe.com exclusive that we see anyway, Melina gets distracted by Christy Hemme almost running her over with a Harley. She broke Melina's nail, so she's pissed. And it leads to this match:
One fall: Melina (w/Mercury and Nitro) vs. Christy Hemme
Let me guess. Christy swallows the broken nail and chokes on it just long enough to get pinned.
I know the creative team isn't at its best now, but a match over a broken nail? My God.
Isn't advertising The Ultimate Warrior's appearance on Byte This blatant false advertising?
One fall: Melina (w/Mercury and Nitro) vs. Christy Hemme
After a "feeling out" process, Melina goes all bitch on Christy, hitting an ugly dropkick for 2. Armbar. A long armbar. Thank God Christy's selling it. Melina continues working over the arm. A series of forearms for 2. Chokehold. GO BACK TO THE ARM! Melina charges the corner, and Christy counters with a sunset flip for 2. Comeback time for Christy, who gets an unreal jack-knife pin for 2. Mercury distracts the referee, Nitro trips Christy, and Melina covers for the pin at 4:42. An angry Christy attacks after the match, but MNM holds her for Christy to do the humuliation tactics. They go for the Snapshot, but LOD 2K5 makes the save.
Let's review The Undertaker-Orton family situation, as Taker vs. Bob Jr. is next.
Thank God Christy learned how to sell somewhere, as that saved the armbar sequence and thus saved the match from contending for Worst Match of the Year. Melina's supposed to be the trained wrestler, but Christy's the one who looked like she knew...well, something.
One fall: Bob Orton Jr. vs. The Undertaker
Orton cuts a promo on Taker, but I don't understand a word of it except him promising Randy's not getting involved. Riiiiiiiight.
Orton gets some nothing jabs in and slides outside the ring. Back in, and even Orton's vaunted elbow does nothing. Taker begins going to work. Down goes Brian Hebner, so of course that's when Taker tries to cover. The Cowboy gets the low blow in, and there's Randy Orton for some old-fashioned double teaming. After a year of this, the referee wakes up, and somehow Taker sits up at the count of two. You've got to be shitting me! More interference from Randy backfires, and Taker hits Bob with the Tombstone for the pin at 5:09.
So does anybody believe The Undertaker's going to lose at No Mercy now? I know I don't, because an extended double team onslaught like that should have put Taker down, and Taker doesn't look like he broke a sweat. That's twice in three weeks that a loss by Taker would have furthered the story better, and the second time in three weeks that nothing really got accomplished.
Is someone swimming across the Rio Grande River trying to get into Laredo? Anyway, Taker just buried two people and killed the entire feud. They'll have a handicap casket match at No Mercy. Also, LOD 2K5 and Christy Hemme vs. all three members of MNM...STILL no title win for MNM? WHAT THE FUCK? Also, Rey vs. JBL and Eddy vs. Batista. That's it with ten days to go?
One fall: Bobby Lashley vs. Russell Simpson
Clips of last week's win over Simon Dean edit out the entrance of Lashley's opponent. A shame, as Simpson's actually pretty damn good (and a hell of a good guy too). Simpson gets some token offense in, mostly working on the larger Lashley's knee. It basically just delays the inevitable, as Lashley takes control with a backbreaker and works him over until hitting that Canadian faceslam thingie for the pin at 2:23. Postmatch, Simon Dean makes an appearance. He was impressed last week, which isn't easy to do. He admits he expected to wrestle a fattie, then he offers Lashley a free sample. Drink up, because he doesn't want any excuses at No Mercy. Lashley turns down the drink, Dean tries a cheap shot, but Lashley squeezes his hand and Gorilla presses him to the mat to a huge pop.
The Peep Show returns next!
Does anybody think Dean has a snowball's chance in hell? No? Me either. No Mercy's looking like more and more of a must-miss every minute.
As The Peep Show begins, we're discussing the tear Chris Benoit's been on as United States Champion. But two weeks ago, Christian pinned Benoit, so he wants the next title shot. Booker T and Sharmell interrupt, and of course, Booker wants the shot, sayeth Sharmell. After all, Booker beat Christian last week. Orlando Jordan comes out and claims to be deserving of a title shot because he's delusional. Christian and Booker laugh, and Booker's all "It took you longer to say that than it did for Benoit to make you tap out." Out comes Theodore Long, and he offers a compromise. Benoit will get to make the decision himself. After this triple threat match.
Hey, Chris Benoit can beat me in under a minute four straight times too. Can I get a title shot?
Triple Threat Match: Christian vs. Booker T (w/Sharmell) vs. Orlando Jordan
The match is already underway, and of course, the heels double team Booker T, albeit unsuccessfully. Booker tries to scissor kick Jordan, but Christian stops it. The brawl goes to the floor, where Booker sends Jordan into the ring steps. Back in, and Christian covers Booker for 2. Neck crank. Reverse chinlock. An elaborate setup leads to Booker going for a superplex, but Jordan power bombing Booker as Booker completes the move. Cool spot, if a bit unrealistic. Booker nearly decapitates Jordan with a leg lariat. Booker sends Christian into Jordan and rolls up Christian for 2. Booker goes for a slingshot, but Jordan rolls him up as Booker finishes the slingshot, and that earns Jordan the pin at 3:55. I gotta admit, that's a neat finish. Here comes Chris Benoit to offer Orlando Jordan a title shot...but he also offers it to Christian and Booker, so it's gonna be a fatal four way match.
The tag team title match is next.
Well, at least the finish was inventive, although that was pretty bad by even triple threat standards. And the match didn't actually mean anything since they all got the shot anyway. ::shrugs shoulders::
More sights of Laredo.
Teddy Long and Palmer Cannon inform Vince McMahon of SmackDown's match on Raw. Well, after Cannon kisses his ass. Anyway, the match: JBL vs. Eddy vs. Rey vs. Benoit vs. Christian vs. Batista. Or maybe a six man tag. Teddy will tell us Monday night.
One fall for the WWE Tag Team Championship: LOD 2K5© vs. Eddy Guerrero and Batista (World Heavyweight Champion)
The one time it makes more sense for the title to stay where it is, and it's probably going to change because creative is run by idiots. The bell rings.
So the point is we get an accurate match time. ::shrugs:: At least we don't have to watch 12 minutes of this one. That's gonna be way too long.
Guerrero is leveling Heidenreich with forearms as we come in at the 4:30 mark. That's kind of a long commercial break, isn't it? Animal tags in, and so does Batista. Lockup, stalemate. Animal goes for a suplex, but Batista blocks it. Animal catches Batista with a Yakuza kick, but Batista is quickly back to his feet. Eddy tags himself in and says "Let me handle this." He doesn't know Heidenreich's behind him. Eddy gains control with a low blow. He gets caught in the corner, and Animal tags in, bodyslamming Eddy for a count of 2. Heidenreich comes in and gets another quick 2 count. Side slam for 2. Cobra clutch. Tag to Animal, who locks in a side headlock. Eddy rakes the eyes but gets powerslammed for 2. They call for the Doomsday Device, but Eddy ranas Animal, who lands in the corner and accidentally crotches Heidenreich. Hot tag to Batista, who is in complete control. Batista Bomb to Heidenreich, and Animal makes the save. In comes MNM, and there's two chair shots for Aniaml, giving the champs a DQ win at 9:56. They try to level Batista with a chair, but Eddy grabs it, swings for Mercury...but misses and hits Batista instead. Eddy tosses the chair to Mercury, and that's who Batista sees with it, so Batista cleans house.
END OF SHOW
Are any of you surprised? Really? I kind of am as I expected a title change, but the aftermatch doesn't surprise me in the least. After all, we can't have a PPV main event without any tension between the main eventers, can we? Do you think Batista's gonna be pissed when he sees the tape and realizes what happened? Me neither, because somehow he won't watch the show he's on three days after it's taped.
Overall...I dunno, I want to give this show a thumbs up, but I just can't figure out where some of the booking's at. I think it's time to do a new format for From JHawk's Beak so I don't have to watch this all at once...my head's starting to hurt.
I'll be back sometime next week, but until then, you know how to find me.
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