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TNA
The Dames' Diatribe on TNA IMPACT (October 15, 2005)
By The Dames
Oct 17, 2005, 19:05

The Dames’ Diatribe on TNA IMPACT! (October 15, 2005)


Tonight’s show starts out with a recap of last week, with Gail Kim’s interference leading to a Team 3D bloody beatdown by Jeff Jarrett and America’s Most Wanted.

We hit the PYRO~! as the announcers run down tonight’s card and segue into…

Monty Brown vs. Jerrelle Clark & Mikey Batts

Match Background:
It’s a two on one handicap match and it’s nothing more than an excuse to have Monty kill two jobbers in the same match. Enjoy.

The Match: Mikey Batts uses Jerrelle Clark’s back as a springboard and leaps to the outside as Monty makes his way to the ring, but Brown catches him and posts him back first. He holds onto him and hits a backbreaker, but Clark starts clubbing from behind…so Monty turns around and clocks Clark with Mikey Batts! Monty takes off his jacket, tosses Clark in and just tosses him with a Kurt Angle-esque overhead belly to belly suplex. The crowd wants it. I want it. You know you want it. Monty DELIVERS with a POOOOUNCE onto Jerrelle Clark and now its poor Mikey Batts turn to get some punishment. Batts tries to springboard cross body onto Brown from the apron, but gets caught and PLANTED with the Alpha Bomb (fallaway slam position into a sit down powerbomb) for the pinfall and this squash is OVER. Brown makes sure to cover both men for the three count just to punctuate it.

Winner: Monty Brown

Monty Brown gets on THE STICK~! and welcomes us to the Serengeti as he lets us know that he’s going for the NWA Title and no one will stop him.

He’s interrupted by Lance Hoyt, formerly a tag team champion with Kid Kash back when he was named Dallas, who is popular amongst the TNA Orlando locals despite being a hybrid of Kevin Nash and Test. Yeah….exactly. I don’t get it either.

Hoyt challenges Brown in the ring, but Brown wants to get it on only on HIS time. Hoyt gets on the mic and proves that he’s actually worse at cutting promos than both Nash AND Test and immediately makes me wonder what the hell the crowd sees in him again. This supposedly sets up a match between Hoyt and Brown for Bound for Glory, although I’m not too sure what the point of it is…

My Opinion: Monty killing jobbers in less than 2 minutes makes for entertaining TV, I say. For those of you keeping count, he showed more charisma in this 2 minute squash of 2 guys than Bobby Lashley did defeating Nunzio on Smackdown….if you bothered to watch Smackdown. Batts and Clark have made a name for themselves on the indy scene, but in the grand scheme of things, they aren’t the guys TNA are going to build around and Monty will be, so therefore, it’s job central for those two. Why on earth do Lance Hoyt vs. Monty Brown at the PPV? It won’t draw any money. The locals like Hoyt and Brown is still technically a heel, but he gets a face pop. Hoyt vs. Brown seems like a quick win for Monty on Sunday on his road to an eventual face push and title run. ½*

In the back, Shane Douglas is with the indy brigade of TNA Security as he tries to interview Larry Zbyszko. Zbyszko makes a title match for next week’s show as The Naturals will defend their NWA Tag Team Titles against America’s Most Wanted. Raven then charges at Zbyszko, but is cut off by security as he rips into him with a bleep laden promo on getting passed over for a World Title shot. Raven’s PISSED that Nash got a shot before he did, despite being the former NWA World Title holder and Zbyszko just tosses him out of the building again. “What about me!? What about Raven!” It’s been a while since I’ve heard that…

TNA is now being sponsored by Morphoplex and gives us one of the cheesiest product placement segments I’ve seen in a while, although Traci certainly makes up for it in the end.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m SOOOO there for Saw II…

We’re treated to a video package when we come back as TNA actually shows us some footage of legendary Japanese junior, Jushin “Thunder” Liger. We get PALM STRIKES~! from the video package before we move onto his opponent at BFG, Samoa Joe, the “Samoan Submission Machine”. Samoa Joe’s got a ton of buzz and this match at BFG has the ability to steal the show and is probably putting this show over the top in terms of reasons why you should get it.

Mike Tenay gives everyone in America one week to get ready as he informs us that Samoa Joe makes his Spike TV debut next week…

David Young (w/Simon Diamond) vs. Matt Bentley (w/Traci Brooks)

Match Background:
Apparently, Simon Diamond has organized some of TNA’s biggest underachievers (namely David Young and Elix Skipper) and named them the Diamonds in the Rough as it’s a throw back to the old job squad days in WWE with Al Snow and Bob Holly. David Young has been a TNA regular for years, but has almost always been used as either a jobber or a lackey, despite solid in ring work. His lack of charisma and his stocky build have kept him from getting the push he deserves, but he does a damn good spinebuster. Since Matt Bentley has a match on the PPV and David Young won’t even be able to smell it on Sunday, guess who’s going over here.

The Match: The crowd is into Bentley for some reason and I’m about 10 seconds away from hating on the TNA locals. They’re doing some sort of goofy “Bentley Bounce” in the first few rows, which makes it seems as if Bentley’s being pushed as a face for some god awful reason.

A slugfest begins the match, but Bentley connects with a spinning wheel kick to take over. Simon Diamond trips Bentley up, allowing David Young to hit a lungblower (pulling your opponent onto the mat backwards onto both of your knees…Maven, Rene Dupree and Matt Striker have been using it as of late) and follows it up with a belly to back suplex. Bentley tries to fight back with chops, but Young whips him into one of the turnbuckles hard for a two count. Bentley hits an ugly neckbreaker, but transitions into a decent brainbuster for a two count as the announcers hype up the Ultimate X match at BFG. Bentley goes to the top and hits an HBK-esque top rope elbow drop that he calls the “Picture Perfect” elbow. Diamond gets on the apron and distracts Bentley, allowing Young to go for his NASTY spinebuster, but Bentley hops out of it and shoves Young into Diamond. Diamond crashes down to the floor and Bentley pancakes Young and looks to the crowd for support. Amazingly enough, they give it to him as he hits his superkick for the three count and the victory.

Winner: Matt Bentley

Petey Williams comes running into the ring and attacks Bentley…and hits the CANADIAN DESTROYER~! Traci goes into the ring to check on him and Williams plants a smooch on her, resulting in a slap. He sets her up for the Destroyer and pulls up her dress to reveal her panties, ECW style. Before he can hit it, Chris Sabin comes into the ring to make the save and Williams bails out the ring…

My Opinion: Cleary, this was more set up for the Ultimate X match, although it seems that Williams is the sole heel of the match with Bentley playing tweener it seems. Sabin saving Traci doesn’t make too much sense storyline wise, considering she turned on him to join Bentley a few months back, but considering TNA just hit the reset button on most of their angles, I’m more lenient on that sort of thing. Bentley continues to use HBK spots to try and show the world that he’s NOT an HBK wannabe and is failing miserably in my eyes. I’ve never been into the guy and he’ll have to make up a lot of ground before I ever will be. David Young can’t catch a break, but hopefully, he’ll get some attention in the future, possibly in a tag team. *

A superstar video is aired, this time on AJ Styles as they put him over as THE guy TNA wants to build around as he can seemingly do it all (except talk). The only Triple Crown Champion in TNA is looking to finally make his name known nationally and he definitely deserves it.

Back from commercial, another superstar video is aired focusing on the NWA Tag Team Champions, The Naturals. Speaking of two guys who haven’t done much to impress me yet, the announcers and commentators continually praise them for being “young” “raw” and “youthful”. Please tell me that I’m not the only one who didn’t notice that…

Next week, watch as the Naturals face AMW and probably drop the titles!

I do not read the TNA spoilers by the way, but AMW need those titles right now to make them appear to be a big deal, especially now that they’re feuding with Team 3D.

Speaking of that, the buzz on the following segment has been so great, I’ve been looking forward to it all week. Apparently, AMW and Jeff Jarrett have assembled video footage of a “funeral” for Team 3D. It starts off with a bit of comedy as the guest book is signed by “Vince & Linda”, “Paul and Stephanie”, “Pat and Sylvan” and Kevin Dunn.

Father James Mitchell starts the eulogy, trash talking 3D for trying to take the spots of those who have been in TNA before them as AMW watch on sneaking sips of beer during the monologue. Jeff Jarrett is there with Gail Kim, who looks absolutely uninterested in being there, chewing gum and doing her nails at the service. Team Canada is all dressed in black, with black hockey sticks (!) pounding them on the floor as they “mourn”. The pictures of Ray and Devon on the coffin are of them bleeding from the previous week. Cowboy James Storm is absolutely hilarious as he’s dying to break the seal and is finally showing personality for the first time in his life. They place a sign that reads “reduced prices” for Team 3D shirts on top of the caskets and this has been a pretty funny skit so far. Harris starts his part of the eulogy, but asks someone to get Abyss some tissues…only for him to smash the box and scare the crap out of Eric Young who jumps back a row! AMW finally decides to reveal why they joined Jeff Jarrett…

Harris: “Well, first…the money”

Team Canada: “MONEY!!!”

JJ: “For the money. For the money”

Harris: “Second, for the power”

Team Canada: “POWER!”

JJ: “Power…for the power”

I’m dying here…

Harris states that they’ve never seen a team destroy Team 3D like this as Storm cries out “I hear dead people!” “What are they saying” “Brother Ray is saying…Devon, get the-“

JJ: “Be serious, this is a funeral. Their careers are already dead. They don’t need another lawsuit!”

They then plan on coming back the night after BFG for Kevin Nash’s burial and they all share an evil laugh as they all walk out of the funeral home…minus James Storm who’s finally draining the lizard into Devon’s coffin.

The crowd is actually chanting “This is awesome” when we come back from the video as that was probably one of the funniest skits I’ve EVER seen in TNA and one of the most entertaining ones all year.

My Two Cents: While I’d rather not see TNA turn into skit after skit after skit, this was probably one of the most flat out hilarious segments I’ve seen in wrestling in quite a bit. Everyone showed a bit of personality and expanded on their characters, especially AMW. I’ve NEVER liked James Storm on the mic, but if he keeps this up, he’s going to show the world a brand new side of charisma that I didn’t know existed in him. Kudos to all of those who came up with the skit and the inclusion of Jarrett didn’t actually hold anything down this time.

Rhino vs. Sabu

Match Background:
This match took place at ECW’s One Night Stand and now it’s on TNA Impact! Pretty ironic huh? Well, anyway, these two men will be facing each other along with Abyss and Jeff Hardy in Monster’s Ball II.

The Match: Sabu trips up Rhino to start and connects with a spinning wheel kick. He hits with a springboard leg lariat, but misses the Arabian body press, allowing Rhino to take over. The crowd chants for Sabu as Rhino pounds away on him and pretty much does nothing else for a bit. Sabu tosses Rhino to the outside and hits a somersault to the outside for a TNA chant. Both men go into the ring with steel chairs and they blatantly rip off an old ECW spot with dueling chairs as Rhino gets the better of it and clocks Sabu with his for a two count. Is it just me or shouldn’t this match have ended with a DQ right about now?

Rhino sets up two chairs flat in the ring and heads to the second rope with Sabu to set him up for his old finisher, now called the Rhinodriver, but Sabu wiggles his way out and ranas Rhino off the second rope onto the two chairs! Sabu only gets a two count and goes to the top with a chair, but Abyss comes out of nowhere onto the apron for the distraction, only to EAT a chair from Sabu! Sabu jumps into the ring, only to get a GORE~! from Rhino and it’s over!

Winner: Rhino

Abyss attacks Rhino from behind as the TNA locals have officially pissed me off, by singing some sort of song for Abyss which takes away from his menacing presence. Rhino actually hits a belly to belly on the Monster and sets him up for the Gore, but catches a big boot from Abyss. James Mitchell hands Abyss a bag of thumbtacks, but Jeff Hardy comes in and goes after him. Rhyno then clotheslines Hardy down…only to EAT a flying chair from Sabu! All 4 men go into the ring and brawl for a bit before being restrained by security…

My Opinion: This felt like an impromptu ECW brawl, albeit with better production values and I enjoyed it for the most part. I wish there was an explanation, however as to why the refs allowed the chair shots to be legal as the announcers never said anything about it and it wasn’t advertised as a NO DQ match. Monsters Ball II has gotten some decent build up although when you’ve got a Monster with a mask on, a man who thinks he’s a rhinoceros, and a former ECW Champion who’s scarred all over his body, you’d think that Jeff Hardy just doesn’t fit, right? *1/4

THE VOICE~! is back with his dashiki to run down Sunday’s BFG card and I’m starting to get really pumped about this show.

A video package for Nash/Jarrett airs with clips on Tito Ortiz interspersed in there. Tito’s KO punch from the Hard Justice PPV that cost Jarrett his NWA Title in May is shown as Jarrett warns Tito to keep his distance. Nash simply states, regarding Ortiz: “You touch me, you die”. Completely deadpanned, I swear.

Christopher Daniels’ Iron Man Challenge

Match Background:
Before Christopher Daniels won the X Division Title earlier in the year, he had faced AJ Styles in a 30 Minute Iron Man Match for the X Division Title that many said was one of the greatest matches TNA had seen up until that point. They ended up tied at the end of the 30 minutes and AJ Styles pulled out the victory in Sudden Death to retain the title. Although Daniels impressed many that night and won the title the following month, he never forgot the fact that he didn’t win that first Iron Man match and so now that AJ is the X Champ again, Daniels wants to redeem himself in this kind of match. As a warm up, Daniels stated that he’ll defeat 3 of AJ’s handpicked opponents in 15 mins or less tonight to try and show The Phenomenal One that he’s the real deal.

The Match: Christopher Daniels comes out with a great ring jacket, almost reminiscent of Neo’s long jacket from The Matrix. His first opponent is revealed to be Shark Boy, the loveable cruiserweight who’s got the most cartoony gimmick in TNA, but he can be pretty damn entertaining.

Shark Boy frustrates Daniels by wasting time running around the ring, only to catch Daniels with a right hand and a neck breaker. He connects with a missile dropkick for a two count and Sharky is on offense for about a good minute and a half before falling to the Angel’s Wings for the elimination.

Winner: Christopher Daniels

Daniels’ next opponent is revealed to be Sonjay Dutt, who the announcers put over as a BIG F’N DEAL in his home country of India. Tenay states that TNA will show footage of his visit to India on upcoming Impact’s!

Sonjay hits a drop toe hold and a springboard elbow for a two count against Mr. TNA. Daniels can’t get any momentum as Sonjay continually reverses him and ranas him to the outside. Sonjay dropkicks him down to the floor and connects with an Asai moonsault as TNA goes to commercial during the match….

The match comes back with about 8 minutes on the clock and Daniels is in a SICK submission hold applied by Sonjay as the former X Division champ is running out of time to take out two more competitors. Daniels is able to escape and toss Dutt to the outside, but Dutt gets back up and springboards into the ring. Daniels catches him and jerks him face first into the mat and is finally in control. He hits 3 body slams in succession and I was almost expecting the double jump moonsault, now named the BME (Best Moonsault Ever) but Daniels opts not to do it. Daniels tosses Dutt upside down into the turnbuckle for a two count and follows it up with a gut wrench suplex for another near fall.

Mike Tenay pimps Samoa Joe’s debut next week as the crowd starts dueling chants for Daniels and Sonjay. Dutt gets up and using the ropes, flips into the ring and ranas Daniels down! Dutt grabs Daniels by the hand and looks to do the Undertaker’s old school rope walk, but does some sort of weird hand motion as he does so, which apparently is called the Sprinkler and nails Daniels as he jumps off. He then does a huge rip off of the People’s Elbow for a two count, but at least Dutt is displaying some charisma. Dutt connects with a tornado DDT with about 3 and a half minutes left and looks to finish Daniels off with the Hindu Press (450 moonsault off the top), but Daniels moves out of the way and rams Dutt into the corner, shoulder first. Daniels sees the opening and hits the Angel’s Wings for the pinfall.

Winner: Christopher Daniels

Daniels gets on THE STICK~! and asks AJ to bring the last man in. The last man in the Ironman Challenge is revealed…to be AJ Styles himself! He’s in plain clothes as we have about 2 and a half minutes left. Daniels runs away from Styles, only for AJ to run into a chair shot and Daniels tosses him into the steel guardrail. Back in the ring, Daniels whips AJ into the turnbuckle hard and gets a two count. Daniels looks to finish off AJ with the Angel’s Wings, but AJ reverses and its time for Styles to be on offense with 30 seconds left on the clock. He knocks Daniels down several times and looks for a springboard drop kick, but his tennis shoes are his downfall as the botches the spot and lands flat on his face as the time runs out...for the no contest. Daniels walks up the ramp as Styles gets on the mic and basically says that he won’t continue this now as he’ll do it at the PPV for 30 minutes as the show comes to a close.

My Opinion: I don’t know if I should rate this as three separate matches, or one big one…so I just won’t rate it, how about that? Anyway, Shark Boy got some offense in before falling to the Angel’s Wings, which is pretty much what I predicted. Sonjay Dutt getting about 11 minutes of in ring time with Daniels was great as the time just flew by and I wouldn’t mind seeing those two work a match with each other again. Dutt has definitely improved in the ring and I’d like to see him get pushed a bit. Daniels, however, was the star of this match, working with 3 different opponents, not even using a lot of his trademark offense and yet still made you respect his in ring work and see the Iron Man match. His Angel’s Wings finisher has now been shown to have defeated two opponents and that’s a great introduction for the move. Unfortunately, Styles looked pretty bad here as he was only on offense for a few seconds and botched the last spot pretty badly…and then botched the go home promo. I hope new fans are as forgiving as I am, since I’ve seen what the guy can do, but this was a bad showing for him. Daniels and Styles should be an amazing match up and I have a feeling we’ll be seeing more than 30 minutes from these two again.

Overall: It seems as if Impact is improving every week. This is the second time that we’ve seen some of the men featured this week and to the average fan, I think TNA is doing a good job of building up the Bound for Glory PPV and aside from the main event, this PPV looks like it’s pretty stacked from top to bottom. I wonder if they’ll pull the trigger on the Tag Title switch next week as AMW are being pushed as TNA’s top tag team and deservedly so. We will FINALLY get to see Samoa Joe next week and I hope they give him the kind of presentation he deserves. I would say that TNA is definitely doing a good job of building up their wrestlers and characters so far, although the X Division aside from Styles and Daniels needs more character development.

If you don’t have plans on ordering the PPV, at least make sure to go out of your way to find someone who is…

Until next week,

“The Dames” Damian Gonzalez

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