RETURN of the 'RUSH (TNA Impact - 10/24/05 replay)
By Corey Lazarus
Oct 25, 2005, 17:43
I guess this is the part where I say what I've been up to since I stopped doing the Lazarush over a year and a half ago. Well, I've been up to a whole lot of nothing until early July or so. Broke up with the girl I was dating back when I started doing the Rush in '03, that Heather chick, because we weren't getting along at all anymore (when we at least got along in public, but then that changed too), and drank my summer away. Oh no, not because I was terrible heartbroken over her, believe me. I hooked up with QUITE a few people this past summer, I just preferred to drink my liver away more than I ever have before in my young, underage life. Jager, cheap vodka, beer, Jack...oh yeah, man. OH YEAH.
Wrestling-wise I've just been watching old tapes. Ordered WM21, and the only PPV I've ordered since that has been One Night Stand (which, despite the nay-sayer's, rocked your ass off and you know it). Haven't even ordered a monthly TNA show. In fact, besides the SpikeTV debut of Impact, I haven't actually watched an episode of TNA since I stopped doing the Rush (yes, I was THAT disgusted with the project when I initially left that I couldn't even WATCH IT, let alone REVIEW it). So I'm exhausted and have to be at work in 6 hours and 30 minutes, so let's make this quick:
-I'm the vocalist for a death metal/hardcore ("metalcore," I guess) band out of Bellingham, MA, so visit us at MySpace.com/TheDeepestRemorse and listen to our stuff.
-I have a full-time job and still drink myself away every weekend (or at least try to).
-You're lucky I wasn't hammered when I reviewed the Impact replay, considering how awful the results for BFG went over.
TNA IMPACT - 10/24/05 (replay, originally aired 10/22/05)
-Decent intro video for Impact as Tenay runs down tonight's card, and we're right to the action.
SAMOA JOE vs. ELIX SKIPPER (w/ Simon Diamond)
Without having read the spoilers for this one, or having watched it Saturday night...I can tell you that Elix is a dead man. For the few of you reading this that have never seen Joe work before, let me break it down like this: Stiff, HEAVY, and amazing. They trade kicks and Joe gets the advantage immediately due to his size, and then Joe enziguri's Elix Skipper to the mat. A kick to the back, one to the chest, and a running kneedrop. Whip by Joe to Skipper into the corner, and Joe charges in with a high knee. Facewash...crowd chants "ONE MORE TIME!" and Joe obliges as he hits a running bootscrape. Skipper Matrix's out of the cover at 2, and then connects with a roundhouse kick to Joe. A pair of boots, and Elix only gets a 1-count. Off the ropes, but Joe catches Elix with a QUICK powerslam for 2. He rushes Skipper into the corner, goes for the Muscle Buster...but Elix fights it off? NO! Skipper EATS Muscle Buster, and...BAM! KOKINA CLUTCH (rear naked choke) for the submission victory!
THE WINNER: Samoa Joe
Hype video for "The Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels, and then a commercial break. It's AMW vs. The Naturals (c) for the NWA World Tag Team titles next.
THE NATURALS (c) vs. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED
Wow. The NWA World Tag Team belts look a lot bigger now than they did over a year ago. AMW beat down the Naturals from behind to start, and it's a brawl. Harris and Storm sent outside, and Douglas is tossed over the top by Chase for a topé onto both members of AMW. Chase up top...SHOOTING STAR PLANCHA~! w00t w00t! Hahahahaha...match is CLIPPPPPED as we cut to AMW going up the ramp and Chase and Douglas in the ring, and some chick...Gail Kim, I guess...tells them to get their asses back in the ring...BUT WE GO TO A FRIGGIN' COMMERCIAL?!
Okay, talk about terrible commercial break timing. The match just started and it's already time for a commercial? Lame. Oh well, gives me time to put a Celeste pizza in the microwave. Okay, while this is the commercial break for the REPLAY...let me just say that whatever supplement TNA is trying to help sell to me with Traci Brooks? It ain't working. I don't care for her physically, in all honesty...AND THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY DAMN COMMERCIALS!
YAY! BACK FROM COMMERCIAL! James Storm gets his fingers into a few fans' faces, and Stevens suplexes Harris into the ring. Tag to Douglas, and Harris owns him...but Harris gets hip tossed. Whip to the ropes and Harris reverses, Gail Kim hooks Douglas' leg, and then Andy Douglas chases her 'round the outside...only for Harris to knock him down and celebrate. Harris sends Douglas back in as Storm takes over...AND DOUGLAS IS BUSTED WIDE OPEN, BAH GAWD! Haha...yeah, lame, I know. Screw JR: I rule. Stevens BEGS for a tag after Douglas somehow knocks Storm out (oh, by the way, it was all Storm in the ring earlier, NOT Harris), and Stevens gs tagged in. He's doing standard hot tag babyface stuff...NICE! Dropkick to Harris, kip-up right into punches for Storm. Harris gets a Death Valley Driver by Stevens for 2 as Storm breaks it up, and then Storm picks Stevens up...Hart Attack?! NAY~! Douglas trips up Harris, but Harris beats his ass outside. Stevens with an Alabama Slamma to Storm in the ring, but Gail Kim knocks Stevens out as the ref's back is turned, distracts the ref long enough for Storm to cover, and it only gets 2! All 4 men back in the ring, Stevens ducks a Harris left lariat...AND REF BUMP! YAY, REF BUMP SUCK LIKE DIRTY DUTCH'S BOOKING!! Douglas is Hulked up, tilt-a-whirl...STUNNER?!?!?!?!! THE BALLS?!?!?!?! Uhhhh...it's Harris, I think. I have a REALLY bad vantage point from the other room. Gail Kim goes for a Litacan'trana to Stevens, but Stevens ducks and she botches it on James Storm. Kim gets grabbed by Stevens, and the Naturals get set for their finisher (Stevens hits a Stunner as Douglas hits an over-the-shoudler gutbreaker), but somebody with a bad bleachjob distracts them...oh, it's Jarrett, and Harris nails Stevens over the head with something heavy, 1-2-3, hurrah.
THE WINNERS: And new NWA World Tag Team champions...America's Most Wanted
POST-MATCH: AMW, Gail Kim, and Jarrett beat on the Naturals some more, another lame commercial break for shit I don't ever plan on buying, and yay! My pizza's ready!
Anybody else sick of these nWo-like Napster commercials? Yeah, me too, and this one is only the SECOND one I've seen.
Ultimate X hype-vid, and for those of you who have never seen an Ultimate X match...don't bother watching any but the one from January 2004 between Michael Shane, Chris Sabin, Christopher Daniels, and LowKi. The rest of them are generic spotfests.
BOBBY ROODE (w/ Scott D'Amore) vs. RON "THE TRUTH" KILLINGS (w/ BG James)
Wow...this one is going to suck, and it's NOT Truth's fault. Yeah, I don't care enough about this match to do PBP or even a summary, so let's just say that The Truth rules and deserves to be in the main event owning Jeff Jarrett...and yeah. Bobby Roode is boring, and I've never liked him at all, so the fact that he wrestled his SAME GENERIC BORING RESTHOLD-LADEN STYLE and just posed and went "GRRRR" a lot as Truth did everything in his power to make this match entertaining is proof enough. Honestly, if Roode wasn't friends with TNA Booking Committee Head Scott D'Amore? He wouldn't have a job in TNA, I guaran-damn-tee it. At least Monty Brown has an amazing physique, you dig? So yeah. Truth owns his ass after some bland "let's beat up the face" spots, and then...wow, Bobby Roode hit a COOL spot as he hit a second-rope kneedrop across the back of Truth's head as Truth was on all-four's. Whip to the ropes, short-arm belly-to-back suplex...and yeah, pose you stupid bitch. Keep posing, go right on ahead. It's not like you might need to, ya know...WORK during the match. Kip James (the former Billy Gunn) makes his way to ringside as Konnan (well...he's always been Konnan) decides to leave the 3 Live Kru locker room out back stick his face in the business of BG James and Kip James (Road Dogg and Billy Gunn...see?), which causes Truth to go outside and be all "stop tha ruckus." Konnan and Kip brawl, security breaks the mapart...and isn't there a match going on on?
Oh, right. Roode with more terrible offense, TRUTH WITH A...nothing. He got hit in the back with a Canadian flag that Scott D'Amore handed Bobby Roode as Truth was distracted, and that's the match.
THE WINNER: Bobby Roode
POST-MATCH: Team Canada celebrates their meaningless victory on the ramp.
YES!!!! MONTY BROWN!!! FATHER JAMES F'N MITCHELL!!!! FUCK JEFF JARRETT!!!!!! Wait...that last one isn't good...promo about how Brown might be on Jarrett's side for the time being, but he WANTS the NWA World title. Blah blah blah, "Serengeti," and shut the hell up. You ain't ever been to Africa, much less probably even Busch Gardens in Tampa Bay, so shut up. Seriously...how fucking LAME is Monty Brown's gimmick? Wanna make him a monster? Okay, sure. Have him be an EX-FOOTBALL PLAYER who likes to HURT PEOPLE and likes to WIN. Hey, guess what? It's been done before (see: Goldberg, Bill), and you know what? It worked for nearly a year and drew some big money for WCW at the time.
MONTY BROWN, ABYSS (w/ Father James Mitchell), and JEFF JARRETT vs. JEFF HARDY, LANCE HOYT, and AJ STYLES
Abyss and Hoyt square off, and Hoyt...is pretty queer. Can barely hit the ropes, throws terrible rights...dammit, thank god he tagge...ugh...HARDY. Whip to the ropes is reversed, to the heel corner, Abyss knocks Hardy down and in comes Brown. Push-up's while choking the raver, and Hardy fires back after Brown argues with the ref. Whip to the ropes, dropkick, Brown fires back with a snap suplex. Into the heel corner, and in commes FJJ. Whip, back elbow down, and then he tags Abyss back in as he taunts the fans. Rights from Abyss in the heel corner, and...another right. Scoop slam by Abyss, off the ropes, but Hardy rolls out of the way of a running leg drop. Jeff tags in AJ Styles...HAHA! ABYSS BLOCKS THE SHOULDERBLOCK!! Off the ropes...HIGH DROPKICK!!! Jarrett in, and AJ sends him out. The faces are in the ring, and Hardy hits a topé to Brown, AJ to Jarrett, and Hoyt to Abyss...wow! Hoyt basically overshot Abyss and landed pretty much on his head, so at least the guy is willing to try dangerous shit now (as opposed to back when he just started and just did punches and kicks as Kid Kash's partner/bodyguard, Dallas). And we go to commercial as Hoyt beats on Abyss on the outside.
Back to Impact, and it's mayhem! AJ and Jarrett in the ring as the others brawl outside. 10-punch in the corner, and Abyss goes for a spinebuster on AJ but it's reversed into a tornado DDT! AJ with forearms, off the ropes, and Abyss tosses him overhead...and he knocks Brown off the apron. AJ goes for the Styles Clash on Abyss, but Jarrett attacks from behind and goes for The Stroke...NO! STYLES BLOCKS IT! Styles fights both Abyss and FJJ off, but Abyss boots him down. Jarrett with a ropechoke and he slides out of the ring, nailing an uppercut to Styles' jaw. Tag to Brown, and he tosses AJ in the corner. Whip across, AJ stumbles out, and more of it. AJ's back is to Brown, and Monty nails a knee to his ribcage as Hoyt begs for a tag. TOSSED into the corner, and rights and lefts from Brown to the ribcage again. Tag to Abyss, and an overhand chop by Abyss in the corner sends AJ down. Whip to a neutral corner, Abyss charges, and AJ EATS avalanche. Tag to Jarrett, and AJ FIGHTS BACK!! Chops, rights, voila!!! MID-RING CROSSBODY BLOCK COLLISION! Ref starts to count to 10 an Hoyt is all "I like to smoke Misty Lights." AJ up, tag to brown, but Styles makes a tag to Hardy...AND IT'S PIER SIX TIME! AJ and Jarrett outside, Hoyt and Abyss trade shots...BLACK HOLE SLAM ON HOYT! 1! 2! HARDY SAVES IT!!! Twist of Fate by Hardy on Abyss, he goes up top...SWANTON~!~ 1! 2! 3...NO!! BROWN SAVES!!
Fallaway Slam by Monty Brown, and he signals for the Pounce...BUT EATS BIG BOOT FROM HOYT FOR 2 AS JARRETT MAKES THE SAVE!! Whip to the ropes is reversed, Jarrett ducks under a big boot, and Abyss drags Hoyt out of the ring. AJ with a crossbody, but Jarrett rolls through and tries a Figure-4 only to eat enziguri by Styles. Jarrett down, Styles up top...BUT HE GETS TOSSED DOWN!!!! Jarrett has Styles for the Stroke...BUT MONTY BROWN WITH THE POUNCE FOR THE WIN!!!
THE WINNERS: Monty Brown, Abyss, and Jeff Jarrett
POST-MATCH: Beatdown on the faces, and then Christopher Daniels comes out and locks AJ in the Koji Clutch...SABU!!!! SABU WITH A TOP-ROPE LARIAT TO ABYSSS, AND RHINO!!!....GOREEE~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~~!~! Sabu over the top...CROSSBODY TO ABYSS ON THE OUTSIDE!!! Nash's voice comes over the PA....and here comes Kliq Trouble! KLIQ KLIQ BOOM as we go off the air!
Overall, a decent hour of programming with the first 20 minutes plagued by, oh...only 10 minutes of ring action. That was lame, but alas, SpikeTV needs to generate some profit...I guess.
So yeah. This has been the Return of the Rush, so drop me a line...or not. I'd rather you not, honestly. I don't like you very much if you're reading this, most likely. Mmmm...pizza and cigarettes.
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