There is a housing crisis for Scandinavian and Slavic peoples in this country.
Apparently they've been discriminated out of other lodgings, because I've gotten five calls about a roommate at my new place, and of those five there have been FOUR funny accents from Swedes, Russians, and a pair of Norweigans. I have to save their numbers in my phone because there's no way I can tell them apart. They all sound young and squirrely too. This is not meant to offend any readers with funny accents that are of these ethnicities, but rather to give your plight its due exposure. Let's all work together. Kid power!
WE'RE LOUD AND METAL-Y AND LIVE FROM WASHINGTON D.C.! Ignore the giant sucking sound.
So to open the show we get a talk session instead of a match, but it's cool because it's Edge and the hottest woman on Raw (don't hate), Lita. Last week Edge laid down a challenge to Mick Foley for a match at Wrestlemania for no particular reason, but he beat up "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan just for the dude's catchsyllable so he means business. If Foley won't come out and reply to the challenge, Edge and Lita are ready to take their live sex show to the air and visit Mick's house in Long Island, despite him living in Florida. Maybe he's gonna beat up his parents.
Mick Foley comes out pretty quick and lays down the common sense by telling Edge that he's the dude that lost, not to blame it on the ref. Edge ignores being called a choker (and transitional champion) and calls Mick nothing but a real transitional champion, and that Foley's overrated. Apparently Foley's three greatest contributions to wrestling have been, in no particular order, being the guy who took the bump off the Cell, losing an ear, and a sock puppet. At this point they're both right, so that makes Foley suddenly care about all this and change the proposed match to a.... h.... hardcore match. I coulda sworn he was going to say Hell in a Cell after how he built this impressive challenge. To prove his point, he goes to the back and grabs a bat esconsed in barbed wire. Edge ran away, because he fears inconsistency.
Okay, so: Foley changed his mind midway through his talking and there was a bat just waiting for him in the back. I'd run too if someone could magically produce that kinda crazy shit. Anyway, this was the best way they could go about this with so little time and such a thin premise. Also, a hardcore match means we get to watch Foley kill someone while getting killed himself. Let's see if Edge is as crazy as Randy Orton was back in 2004. He doesn't need to be (Orton did), but I'm sure we'll get that "Wrestlemania moment" they hyped during the segment.
And the tag team champions are headed to the ring for a defense! Good to know they can squeeze in these defenses even with their day jobs.
World Tag Team Championship: Val Venis & Viscera v.s. Kane & The Big Show ©
Val and Viscera don't get an entrance. I wonder who will win. Oh, and they're the #1 contenders! And they won that on wwe.com's EXCLUSIVE Heat program! All right, nice to let us know, but what about the folks at the arena? Anyway, Kane and Big Show smack the love machines around like ebony and ivory jobbers, which means we don't get to see Viscera hump anything tonight. Darn! Big Show bodyslams Viscera out of nowhere, and unlike other big man slams, this was the actual full motion instead of picking the guy up, tilting him on his side and dropping him. Impressive, and Show even follows it up with a legdrop (Showster!), but Val breaks up the pin attempt. Kane sets Val on fire or something and Big Show joins him in a double chokeslam on Viscera to win and retain.
Okay, so: They remembered that they have tag belts! Like, one (*) star.
For those who mark their calendars, 34 days until Wrestlemania.
Hey, time for a lotta talk! First up...
Ric Flair is interviewed by Todd Grisham about losing the Intercontinental title last week. Flair's 57 now! ("Yay!.... oh. Yikes.") Todd asks if that was his last title reign, and Flair says he's got one more title run in him. Dude, you're 57.
Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty have a talk in a hallway. I can't pay attention to what they're saying because they look like they're having a pow-wow before their dance class. Marty's got on one of those funky v-neck collarless shirts, and shawn's wearing a strange wifebeater of rectangular design under a sport coat (since WWE employees have to be 'spectable and all). The result is one of the funnier segments in recent history, as they both use overblown dialogue to establish that Marty's a loser and needs this contract. He asks Shawn to stay out, because this is going to be a solo dance. Faaaabulous!
Hey, here we go. Carlito Carribbean Cool is being interviewed by Maria. This should be good. Carlito says there are going to be three qualifying matches for the Money in the Bank match at Wrestlemania after talking smack to Maria in Spanish. Oh, and he's gonna win his match too. Any time Maria's on the screen, it's all good.
Okay, so: We're guaranteed at least four more matches. Good. I hope Shawn changes later before he runs in on the Kiss My Ass thing. Man, I shouldn't be able to predict this stuff. Come on, guys.
Rob Van Dam v.s. Trevor Murdoch is up. This is a qualifying match for Money in the Bank, as advertised earlier. Not too bad for a McMatch. I really like watching Murdoch work, but he loses this special Foregone Conclusion Match and RVD moves on with a VERY tall Five Star Frogsplash.
Okay, so: As King said, "no matter how much he's pushed back, RVD is going to be a part of the title scene," and hopefully he'll win the title shot. It'd be nice to have someone new involved, and I love the guy anyway. Um, one and three-quarters (*3/4). It was fun while it lasted.
Women's Championship: Candice Michelle v.s. Trish Stratus ©
My ex-girlfriend (Mickie James, who reminds me far too much of her) is in the ring to announce Trish's entrance, and to counter this Torrie Wilson (who still exists?!) announces Candice's entrance. You know, that Candice girl is done zero favors when she's portrayed in any kind of still media or studio shoot. Check out her gallery at wwe.com and tell me I'm wrong. Woof. Trish quickly asserts her status of "wrestler" after a pre-match attack but Candice actually gets some offense. I just said she got some offense in, I didn't say it was good. Torrie and her try to steal the match, but the referee is literally facing Torrie holding Candice's arms from the outside during a rollup so he has to break it up. Trish rolls up Candice immediately and wins. Mickie James hugs Trish's snatch to celebrate.
But during the break, Candice slaps Torrie for her mistake! TENSION!
Okay, so: How about Mickie James/Trish for Wrestlemania? Please get it going already. No one is interested in WWE Playboy covergirl #93. Sorry, blame yourselves.
The Coach is in the ring to interview John Cena, who gets fuck-off levels of boos for a face in his position. Coach spits some wack shit and hypes Triple H, so Cena gets ready to retort BUTWAITAMINUTE, here's HHH to break up the proceedings. The King is pissed that Cena was cut off by HHH before he could even say a word. Hey, me too. HHH does his usual "say, I'm pretty good, how's about allowing me to belittle your style and character for ten minutes" thing, and Cena even calls him on it. HHH proclaims that Cena is a transitional champion (STOP USING THAT NOW PLZ) and is tough and all, but he's the King of Kings and he's gonna win. Oh, and Cena's not a very good wrestler. Cena's reply to all this hoopla and burial should now be...
A) A rousing declaration of his principles followed by beating the crap out of the guy who just verbally destroyed him.
B) Shoot on HHH and go down in a blaze of glory by taking advantage of the live show.
C) Tell HHH that he's right, but by golly Cena's gonna win.
If you guessed C, you're being booed in arenas all over the country. Congratulations.
They get in each other's grilles to do the jiggle face staredown, but Vince McMahon stops them via the magic of the titantron and announces that they're going to be tag partners against the men in the Wrestlemania main event on Smackdown, Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton, and (as of right now) Kurt Angle, at Saturday Night's Main Event. Well, Vince said "World Heavyweight Champion" since the title is going to be contested between now and then.
Okay, so: Bye, John-John. I hope you enjoyed your time on top. Brutal stuff, and it didn't help that the crowd cheered every bit of dirt HHH heaped on Cena.
Now it's Shelton Benjamin v.s. Chavo Guererro for a spot in the Money in the Bank match. As if this show hadn't irritated me already with the previous segment, here's Mama! All I'll ever say about that character is that the nails are totally out of place on a character like that. From now on, anything she does in a match didn't happen. While the announcers and cameramen are distracted by a weather balloon, Chavo and Shelton have a decent match. The Eddy stuff is kept to a minimum. After Shelton tosses Chavo to the outside and works him a little, the referee goes to investigate some... swamp gas, which allows Randy Orton to come out of nowhere, slither across the ring, and give Chavo an RKO. The referee comes back in time to see Shelton covering Chavo, and Shelton Benjamin's going to the Money in the Bank match also. This looks good so far. One (*) star.
Okay, so: Shelton, as the brand new Intercontinental Champion, can't beat Chavo Guererro without someone else's help. At least let a brotha hit his finisher. On the bright side, RVD and Shelton will be involved in the same match, and it'll involve highspots! Now if only those pesky aurora borealae would stop following Shelton around.
"Mean" Gene Okerlund is going to the Hall of Fame! Awesome. Hulk Hogan will be inducting him. But what evil foreigner can Hogan beat up this year?
Shawn Michaels sashays into Vince's office and told him not to drag Marty into things. Vince says not to interfere later, or Shawn's going to join the Kiss My Ass club also. Y'know, it's really not as bad as they make it sound. It's not like he's asking these people to cornhole him or anything. Not that any of this should be happening in a just world anyway, but you know what I mean.
Ric Flair v.s. Carlito Carribbean Cool now in the final qualifier for the Money in the Bank match. So there's only three people involved this year? Boy, I hope Carlito wins. Aw crap, he didn't. They gave the match more than one segment, but I can't watch Flair anymore without thinking his opponent is beating up their grandfather. The guy can still work better than half the roster, but this is a visual medium first and foremost, and Flair looks like a decrepit old man who you want to stop from continuing whenever he's in pain. Just let the man be a manager, please. Finish comes when Carlito goes for the dreaded apple spit but takes too long with the whole hullabaloo, so Flair rolls him up and holds the ropes for the win. Two (**) stars, since the grandpappy can still hold up his end of a match.
Okay, so: What the fuck is Flair doing in a crazy-ass gimmick match with RVD and Shelton Benjamin? It was sort of excusable with Edge, since he's never been known as ultra-speedy and agile, but Rob Van Dam and Shelton are spot machines in a match like this. And what about Carlito now? Also, are there going to be three more matches, or are there only three participants this year? Watching this sober is difficult sometimes.
Now then, an intermission from reality as Vince drops trou and spends a couple of minutes backstage checking out his ass. Just Vince, the cameraman, and his black jockeys. He spanks himself and heads off to the ring.
We're going to blame that on a wormhole. Back to wrestling.
What, there's no wrestling left? Man.
It's time for the ass-kissin'-est Main Event in recent memory! But first, the Spirit Squad does a cheer to introduce Vince. Maybe their heads explode if they cheer for long enough. We'll never know, because they leave. Was this trip really necessary? Vince reiterates that Marty's having a rough time in life now, and brings him out. Marty might have a bad life, but he's got his own Titantron entrance. That's something. Marty has to get on his knees and do it, and Vince drags this out as long as possible. This sort of humor killed, like, 700 years ago. Perhaps all that Vince has ever read is The Miller's Tale. It would explain a lot.
After eight hours of staring at Vince's ass and trying not to laugh, Marty says he can't do it. That's cool, because plan B is to make Marty break the Masterlock. Out comes Chris Masters (minus full entrance), and of course Marty ain't gonna break that hold. After putting up a fight that made average men everywhere proud, Vince drops his pants and declares that Marty's gonna kiss his ass after all! That cad! Right before the moment where Marty becomes a man, Shawn Michaels shows up on the scene and it's a superkick straight outta Flashdance for Masters. He didn't change, see. He grabs the chair used for the Masterlock Challenge and threatens Vince with it until Shane McMahon flies in and attacks him from behind. I think Marty dematerialized. Shawn tries to recover, but Shane flattens the left side of Shawn's face and shoulder and that's it for Michaels.
But we're STILL not done yet, because Vince announces a street fight between Shane and Shawn at Saturday Night's Main Event. Now I'll watch that. And that's a shoot, brutha. Shane whispers something in Vince's ear (probably "you know dad, this is kinda fucked up. How about you pull up your pants and we'll go get some ice cream") and Vince says that Shawn broke up the ceremony, so he's going to have to kiss Vince's ass now. Finally, on the third attempt, lips are successfully placed to McMahon's buttocks and we can end the show. Vince tells Shawn that while he kissed his ass tonight, he's going to kick Shawn's ass at Wrestlemania.
Okay, so: No, wait, there's replays.
The ass kissing is replayed in slow motion twice, and Vince struts and shimmies around for the crowd before departing and the show ends.
Okay, so, for real this time: This show took a dive with me after the HHH/Cena segment, and just left a bad taste in my mouth for the rest of the program. The ending was ludicrous in the first place, but was still somehow drawn out far too long.
Remember when Edge/Cena was our main program and everything felt really fresh and at least somewhat exciting for the first time in ages? Vince's jiggly, hairless buns say it's time to go back to normal, sucka.
Patrick Spoon can be reached via E-mail at [email protected]
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