The Spoonful of Raw: April 3rd, 2006
By Patrick Spoon
Apr 4, 2006, 00:33
PREVIOUSLY, ON WWE RAW: A HY-OOOOGE Pay-Per-View was coming up, and... fuck, that was last night.
PREVIOUSLY, ON WWE WRESTLEMANIA 22: Your Raw winners were John Cena, Torrie Wilson, Rob Van Dam, Kane and The Big Show, Edge, Mickie James, and Shawn Michaels. Oh, and Triple H was Ator The Invincible.
We are NOT loud and metal-y, but we're in Chicago again. The King, Coach, and Joey Styles Lite are on commentary, as we go back to normal.
And heeeeeeeeeeeere's John Cena, to an absolute WALL of boos. He's still the champ, and the champ is still here, because the champ knows where he isn't. He pauses to soak in the boos. O... kay. At least the commentators will admit the crowd is booing now. Cena starts to tell us how being the WWE Champion means that you defend it every night no matter what and how a "small... LARGE segment" of the audience wanted him to lose. Well, what better time than now for YOUR King of Kings, HHH, to make his entrance. Sadly, there's no throne or any animal pelts involved in his entrance. The announcers go back to the STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID "there are a lot of traditional fans here" line to explain HHH being cheered. Way to contradict yourselves, guys. HHH offers a handshake to Cena, but withdraws it to the biggest pop of the night. Hunter kicked Cena's ass last night, but Cena still won. HHH says he made the mistake that Cena's opponents continued to make, and that was underestimating the guy. A mild "you tapped out" chant begins (thank goodness), and HHH admits that he did indeed tap, but he wants a rematch. He really has no grounds for requesting a rematch, so Edge and Lita crash the party (thank goodness part 2). Paraphrased below is the rest of the segment:
Edge: Hey HHH, you can't just ask for title shot after title shot. I beat Mick Foley in a HARDCORE MATCH last night, motherfucker. Did I mention I was perfect at Wrestlemania still? You tapped. You lost. You looked like a fuckin' dweeb. Go away.
HHH: You aren't as good as me, you midcard piece of shit!
Edge: But I was champion...
HHH: Again - Midcard. Shit.
Cena sends virgins nationwide into orgasm by calling the bickering heels He-Man and Skeletor (Edge calls Cena She-Ra), and floats the idea that they face each other to see who will face him for the title, then trips off of Lita's mouth wounds from the barbed wire Socko last night. Edge isn't in shape for a one-on-one match tonight, so he proposes a handicap match pitting him and HHH against Cena. Cena accepts the challenge because he may be dumb, but he's tough. Wonderful reasoning. He leaves on a strong note at least, calling them both a couple of bitches and flicking away the microphone.
Okay, so: Something cool had better come out of this. Good opening segment, but I really hope the smartass back-and-forth zinging doesn't become the new main event chatter format.
World Tag Team Championship - Kenny and Mikey of the Spirit Squad v.s. Kane and The Big Show(c): Kane and Show BIG men. Green guys LITTLE men. Green guys hurt Kane. Show smash. Green guys smash. Green guy drop leg from sky. Green guys win fast. One (*) star. The Spirit Squad celebrates like crazy, and it looks like the belts will be communal circle jerk targets. Look, I went this long without making a male cheerleader gag, just be glad it's out of the way now. In the back, Maria(who I heard smokes, thus making her 50x hotter) tries to interview them about the win but they instead offer the worst cheer in history after seeing who could come closest to bursting a vein while yelling their name.
Get a good look at this stuff, people. Your world title matches will be this fast one day too, and the crap before and after will be longer also. Then the ring's going to be gone, but no one will notice because you'll love Big Brother Vince.
Highlight package of the Money in the Bank match last night, which RVD won. Say, here's Rob now, and he's got a microphone. RVD has a mike?! Ruh roh, Raggy. Rob sounds like he just finished the biggest blunt ever, and just keeps yelling instead of talking. He's not going to wait as long as Edge did to cash in his title shot, and the timing of it will apparently be extreme.
Okay, so: Again, WHY WOULD THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP BE CONTESTED ON AN ECW PPV? Once someone can explain this to me, I'll accept it. For now though, it's fuckin' stupid. Oh, and that promo was pretty brutal. Please stop giving RVD scripts and let him just talk.
Chris Masters v.s. Paleface Roadkill: Masters doesn't even do his full entrance. He pretty much storms down to the ring and kills his opponent in like, a minute. One-quarter (1/4*) star. Of course, that isn't our real story, which is that we've gone almost an hour into this show and we've had a grand total of five minutes of mat action. Haha, kidding. There's only been four and a half.
Masters is still in the ring, acting all mad and stuff, when Carlito enters. For those keeping score at home, miscommunication between these two gents lead to their loss at the hands of the now-former tag team champions. Carlito walks up to Masters and takes a huge bite out of an apple. The crowd is dying for him to unleash the fucking applesauce fury on Musclehead Masters, but he instead spits on the still-prone Paleface. He shakes Masters' hand, and everything's cool until ol' Chris turns his back on the Cool One. BACKCRACK, MOTHERFUCKER~ on Masters, and Carlito wears him the fuck OUT. He finishes the beatdown by grabbing another apple, but instead tossing it away and spitting regulation saliva on Masters.
Okay, so: Call me crazy, but I wouldn't mind seeing these two go at it as a Backlash program. Just PLEASE don't rush Carlito's face turn. He's progressing so well and is starting to get majorly over with the audience. Don't fuck it up, kthx.
It's 10:00, so it MUST be time for Shawn Michaels to come out and speak on his match with Vince McMahon last night, who has been absent from the show thus far. Shawn's feeling pretty good, and says that he could have finished Vince off at any point last night with one expertly-placed superkick, but he wanted to make Vince get the personal hell treatment that Shawn had to endure. Since Shawn's feeling so good, and it seems to be the thing tonight to challenge for the title, he wants a piece of the champion too. Now THAT is a fun idea, and I mean it.
BUTWAITAMINUTE, here's Shane McMahon. Greeeeeeeeeeat. I remember when seeing Shane made me happy. People laughed more in those days...
Shane is very cross! Very cross indeed! He's here to announce... oh snap, Shawn cuts him off and announces the newest member of the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club, Shane McMahon. My lord, that moment was fucked up for SO MANY reasons, I was hoping they'd forget it happened. Shane announces the entrance of his father, who's got a busted up face and sporting a neckbrace. His doting wife and pregnant daughter were very upset at what Michaels did to him, but no one was more scarred than Shane, whose face was "shoved all the way up [his] rectal cavity." Anyone ever think Vince has had a subscription to Reader's Digest for years so he can enrich his word power? Dude's always the worst with his word choices, I swear. No title match for Michaels, says Vince. Vince blames God for him losing. Not only that, but this is a war between Shawn and the McMahons now, and no one wins a war with the McMahons. The next battle will be at Backlash, as Vince and Shane will team up to face Shawn Michaels and... GOD. Yes, Vince booked God in a match. He also called Shane the product of his semen. This had damn well better culminate in Vince going batshit and being committed, thus taken off of TV forever. Shane's been giving him more and more confused looks lately, I hope I'm right.
Okay, so: Not often that the little gags you have with your friends come to life, but sure enough, we've got God in a match now. I wonder what the match graphic is going to look like, and if there'll be any kind of real reaction to it if they continue to bill God as Shawn's partner. Typical wrestling fans might tolerate Mama talking about collards and chicken, but they won't abide by sacrelige. In other news, I'm not looking forward to another month of this feud.
Candice Michelle and the NEWWWWWWW Women's Champion Mickie James v.s. Trish Stratus and Torrie Wilson: Mickie James is now a full-on emulation of Trish. Blonde dye job and everything, even very similar ring attire. Trish wants Mickie, but Candice cuts her off. Trish tags in Torrie, so Candice tags in Mickie, who gets a pop. She lays Torrie out with a Mick Kick, and that's that. Maybe all of two minutes, so we're up to six and a half minutes of wrestling. One-half (*) star, I guess. Trish reluctantly hands the Women's belt to Mickie after the match, and Mickie screams how it's hers now. Cool.
Chavo Guererro is here to talk about how nice of a weekend it was for his family and friends, what with Eddie Guererro being inducted into the Hall of Fame and Rey Mysterio winning the World Heavyweight Championship. Tonight is his Wrestlemania though, because he's challenging Shelton Benjamin for the Intercontinental Championship. Not only that, but like Mysterio did before the Royal Rumble, Chavo's dedicating this match to Eddie. Oy.
Intercontinental Championship - Chavo Guererro v.s. Shelton Benjamin(c): Chavo gets in some good offense while being made to sound like a jobber on commentary. An attempted shoulder through the ropes is avoided by Shelton, which leads to Chavo eating a kneelift, and he just splats onto the floor from the apron. Shelton kicks his ass some more outside, but back inside Chavo hits a sweet dropkick and the Three Amigos. He's almost got the hip swivelling right, almost. Chavo needs to talk to Turbo about that. Frog Splash should follow, but Chavo plays to the crowd way too much and whiffs on the move. Shelton nails the T-Bone and that's that. Chavo's really upset about the loss. At least we got an actual match. One and a half (* 1/2) stars.
After the commercial, Chavo's still really sad, and quits wrestling after feeling that he let Eddie down. What a bummer.
Whoops, no time to feel down, because... WHOO! Ric Flair is out here to talk. He might have lost last night, but he feels that he still has that 17th title reign in him. Out comes a very well-dressed guy who introduces himself as Armando Alejandro Estrada(try saying that three times fast), and he's a guy who grew up in Kooba(Cuba) watching Ric Flair and enjoying the fine clothes, women, and cigars too. But Flair's time is over. His accent is way too thick and he's yelling too much also. Guys, the microphone amplifies your voice, you don't need to yell so goddamn much. Dude barely has enough breath to complete his name each time he says it. He's here to introduce someone, and Flair tells him to get on with it. It's UMAGA! Just blend together every single Pacific Islander culture and you pretty much get this guy's appearance. It's the former Jamal, but his hair's all grown out and his upper body and face are smattered with tattoos. He beats the crap out of Flair and Armando cheers him. The Coach actually said that people will talk about this around the water cooler tomorrow.
Okay, so: MEANWHILE, THE NEXT DAY, AROUND THE WATER COOLER ON THE FIFTH FLOOR OF BLANDCO IN ANYTOWN, U.S.A...
Bill: Hey man, you wouldn't believe what I saw last night while I was flipping around the channels.
Todd: You weren't watching the UCLA/Florida game?
Bill: Hell no, that snoozefest was killing me.
Todd: So what was it?
Bill: Well, on Raw...
Bill: Oh shaddup, I used to be a fan.
Todd: Me too, me too, go on.
Bill: Anyways, Ric Flair was out there...
Todd: That guy's still wrestling???
Bill: Yep. So this Cuban dude comes out and starts talking shit to him, and then calls out this huge barefooted hairball. Flair got beat up pretty good, but that was still one of the goofiest things I've ever seen.
Todd: A Cuban dude and a hairball?
Todd: Man, I'm glad I don't watch that shit anymore.
HHH and Edge are plotting for their match against Cena. Edge says that HHH should whoop Cena, but HHH wants Edge to do it while he watches. Edge says they'll figure it out as it goes, and departs. HHH smiles. I smell another "HHH is smarter than everyone" moment.
Edge (with Lita) and Triple H v.s. John Cena: The first hit that Cena takes gets a pretty big pop. Oh, by the way, unless otherwise noted, despite it being a handicap match that doesn't require tagging in and out, HHH is sitting on the top turnbuckle watching Edge and Cena fight. Yup, HHH sure is smart. Cena dispatches Edge after working on his still-perforated back, and it's just him and HHH in the ring. Before any kind of altercation can occur, Edge cuts it off, and HHH goes back to sitting up in the corner. Edge hits an Impaler DDT (apparently called the COD, or Concussion On Delivery, a far cooler name), but it only gets two. HHH now advances on Cena while Edge preps for a spear but Cena dodges it, causing Edge to spear HHH. Cena goes to capitalize, but HHH comes back to beat the crap out of Edge. For a second or two, Cena and HHH team up to pound on him. See, that's what happens when you get in the ring with "the real main eventers." Spinebuster on Edge by HHH and Cena proves that he's just as dumb as he said he was at the end of the opening segment, going for the Five Knuckle Shuffle and thinking HHH is just going to stand there and let him do it. Of course he doesn't, and Cena gets a Pedigree. HHH covers, and is your winner, in case you forgot who the #1 guy was. One and three-quarter (*3/4) stars.
Okay, so, about this show: "Hey, HHH has jobbed at three straight Wrestlemanias! Lay off of him already! He put Cena over!" Dude, whatever. I was foolish to expect a lot of wrestling on the show after Wrestlemania, but it was a decent couple of hours to kill a week while they figure out what the new feuds and all will be. I'm jacked for Masters/Carlito for some weird reason. Have a fantastic week, everyone. Oh, and FUCK FLORIDA.
Patrick Spoon can be reached via E-mail at [email protected]
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