WWE Velocity Recap - September 7, 2002
By Edward Robins
Sep 8, 2002, 07:33

Well guys, it’s been fun, but this is going to be my last Velocity recap for a while. Yes, your little boy’s growing up, and FINALLY moving his ass to college (about two weeks to a month after everyone else) next Friday, the 13th (how lucky!). What does that have to do with Velocity? Well, I’m not sure if I’m going to have a TV in my apartment (I can’t afford one, and I have no idea if my roommates will “tolerate” my wrestling habit), and even though we get free cable (or so I’ve heard), its awfully hard to do a recap without a TV. So, if I get regular access to a TV and VCR when I get settled in in the next month, I’ll be back. Until then and if not, hopefully the powers that be will find a suitable replacement, someone who loves the “b-show” as much as I do. Or at least half as much anyway.

I hate to start things off on such a downer, but you’ll still see pop culture reviews from me. In fact, to make up for this column I’ll be losing, I’ll probably get out more than before, as opposed to the “every so often when I squeeze one in on Friday afternoon” attitude I’ve had before. It’s like the phoenix rising, except with bad movie columns! Yea.

Kick it into hyper-drive, it’s time for the WWE’s fastest show, Velocity!

Opening Match
“The Unpowerbombable” Billy Kidman vs. “No Longer Phat, Just Fat” Albert
Am I the only one who sees something inherently wrong with this match up? Here’s either the best or second-best cruiserweight (depending on who you talk to) in the WWE curtain-jerking against the man with one fan, Albert. Surprisingly, the crowd gets into this with an “Albert sucks!” chant from the get-go. Albert goes for a lock-up, but Kidman fakes him out and dodges. Albert catches Kidman by the hair (ouch!), but Kidman fights out and somehow gets Albert into the corner for a series of punches. Albert uses his AMAZING STRENGTH to come back, however, pulling Kidman off and into a backbreaker for 1…2…Kidman kicks out. Albert delivers a series of knees to Kidman’s gut, and even uses his foot to choke the poor fellow! However, Kidman’s a fighter, not a lover, and he gets out, only to be shoved into the corner and met with another series of blows from Albert. Albert follows up with an overhead suplex and another cover for 1…2…Kidman kicks out again.

A frustrated Albert locks in the much-feared HEAD VICE~! However, as Kidman begins to get out of it, Albert turns it into almost a full nelson. Kidman finds it in him to come back though, and nails an enzuigiri, several shots to the back, and catches Albert off the top rope and off guard into a Tornado DDT. Kidman covers for 1…2…Albert kicks out! Kidman heads up top again, this time hitting a missile dropkick and covers again for 1…2…but you just can’t keep a big man down. Kidman tries to deliver a cross-body, but Albert catches it and turns it into a powerslam and covers for 1…2…Kidman kicks out yet again! Albert misses a corner splash, which enables Kidman to try for a Sunset Flip, but Albert’s too big to go down like that. Enraged that Kidman thought he’d fall for such a simple roll-up, Albert sets Kidman up at the top turnbuckle, but who knows what would’ve happened, because Kidman comes to his senses and rolls through on the way down into 1…2…3!
And da winnah is… Billy Kidman, pinfall. Post match, Albert gets PISSED and sling-shots Kidman into the second rope and hits him with a fierce bicycle kick. Please don’t let this be a continuing feud.
* 1/2
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say Albert brought this one down. I mean, I’ve seen much worse so I really shouldn’t complain, but this one was too slow-paced, without anything really exciting going on, except the Tornado DDT which pretty much came out of nowhere. Unlike the million roll-ups the WWE has been experiencing recently, however, this one made sense, which I guess makes the finish OK, although still not particularly interesting.

wh00! COM… but wait!

CHAVO~! cuts a promo right before the commercial. He has a match tonight with John Cena, and he calls Cena’s “ruthless aggression” meaningless and that growing up as a Guerrero he has real aggression. Ummm… well, a promo’s a promo I guess.


Billy & Chuck – First Comes Tag Teaming, Then Comes Marriage
Well, isn’t this an interesting storyline. Billy lost in a match with Rey Mysterio Jr., but Chuck, encouraged by Rico, took a ring out of his pants and proposed “partnership for life”. Now, a lot of people on the ‘net seem to hate this idea, and granted, it has little to do with wrestling, but I think it speaks numbers about how far our society has come. Notice the crowd wasn’t shouting homophobic slurs, but rather seemed to be appreciative of the whole ordeal. Some have said this trivializes serious homosexual issues. I don’t think this does so anymore than the same issues being used in plots/jokes for standard sitcoms and TV dramas. I’ll be interested to see how its handled next week.


Midcard Match
“The Sho Stopper” Funaki vs. “Gladiatori Mulletos” Mike Awesome
Before the match begins, Funaki cuts a promo that he’s Smackdown’s #1 announcer, and even though there’s a show called “Everybody Loves Raymond”, the fact is on Thursday nights, Everyone Loves Funaki! Mike Awesome starts off low, with a kick to Funaki’s gut, a club to the back, and a toss into the corner. Awesome goes for a chop, but Funaki ducks out of the way and retaliates with a chop of his own, a right hand, and a cross-body for 1…2…Awesome kicks out WITH AUTHORITY~! and tries to follow up with a charge, but Funaki trips him up and sends him out of the ring. This angers Awesome, who ganks FNK out of the ring and tosses him unceremoniously into the ring-steps and then into the side of the ring apron. Back in, Awesome is up, and comes down with a top-rope clothesline and a cover for 1…2…Funaki kicks out! Awesome whips FNK into the ropes and telegraphs it, but gets a kick to the face for his trouble.

Awesome floors Funaki with a clothesline and goes for a scoop slam, but FNK reverses it and Awesome comes down almost like a reverse DDT. FNK gets in a kick, but Awesome whips him into the corner. Awesome charges, but FNK gets in a boot to the face, bulldogs, and covers for 1…2…Awesome kicks out again and grabs FNK, but FNK nails him with an enzuigiri. He covers again for 1…kick-out! Damn. Guess even jobbers have their limits. FNK runs off the ropes, but Awesome catches him with a sit-down powerbomb for 1…2…FNK kicks out, as Awesome goes for the Awesome Bomb, but FNK flips out. Awesome misses a corner splash, and FNK catches him with a school boy for 1…2…3!
And da winnah is… Funaki, pinfall
This one had a little better flow and a little more action than the opener, which is really all I can ask for. Still not much of note, second “fluke” roll-up in a row though! Aside from his one Hardcore title win, has Mike Awesome won even once the entire time he’s been with the WWF/E?


Mr. Klean, Latiiiiiino Heat & The Rabid Puppy Dog vs. Old Man Walkin’, Stinky EmbarASSment, & Flat Edge
Oh boy, six man action! Groan… I think it’s a bit sad and kind of removes the point of a six-man when the faces no sell the majority of the offense, although thank God Edge was around and willing to play “face in peril” for a little while. And how is it that the most scathing beat-down all year is conducted by faces? Oh yea, I forgot, the WWE doesn’t realize the concept or importance of making heels look strong.


“THE Next Big Thing” Brock Lesnar vs. “Old Man Walkin’” Undertaker (War of the Words Face to Face Interview Match)
Somehow I missed the ending on the first broadcast, but I don’t like how they’re bringing Sara into this seeing as how she’s pregnant in real life. Even though I don’t even think the WWE is stupid enough to have her take a bump or do anything dangerous, this whole “Undertaker playing Mark” “reality” gimmick thing is weird. And yes, they played the segment in its entirety, cutting us down to three matches tonight.

wh00! YOU CAN NEVER… but wait!

John Cena cuts a promo, admitting that “Ruthless Aggression” is just a catch-phrase, but not to underestimate him. Blink and you missed it. Whatever.


Main Event
Chavo “¿Dónde Pepe es?” Guerrero vs. John “Green”a
The two lock-up, and Chavo takes the early advantage, tossing Cena into the corner, but Cena blocks all the punches. Wuss. Cena delivers a series of arm-drags, and Chavo responds in kind, turning the last arm-drag into an arm-bar. Cena gets out, but Chavo kicks him in the face, and slides underneath him coming off a whip. Cena catches him eventually, but plays to the crowd too long and Chavo rolls him up for 1…2…Cena kicks out! Cena chokes Chavo, and Chavo tricks him by applauding. This throws Cena off guard because of his rookie gimmick, and Chavo plays heel by going for the cheap shot, after which he begins to stomp away at Cena’s knee. Chavo scoop slams, leaves the ring, and using the extra leverage, pulls the knee into the mat. Back in the ring, Chavo takes the knee and ties it up in the bottom rope to add even more pressure.

Cena somehow makes it to his feet, but Chavo nails him with an uppercut and stomps a mudhole, leaving the leg in for the choke. Chavo keeps pulling the leg against the rope, and then, in a cool little spot, sets up Cena in “Shattered Dreams” position and delivers a dropkick then covers for 1…2…Cena kicks out! Chavo keeps working the knee, but Cena comes back briefly with some elbows, but Chavo gets in an elbow of his own, and works Cena’s legs further in a bow and arrow. Chavo goes for the brainbuster, but Cena reverses! Chavo gets in a kick to the head, but Cena gets his second wind as the two exchange blows, with Cena pulling ahead with right hands, an Irish whip, and a back body drop. A whip to the corner leads to Cena eating boot (to the face!). Chavo hits an elbow but Cena gets in his thrilling finisher, the roll-up, for 1…2…3!
And da winnah is… John Cena, pinfall
** 1/2
Chavo in control for most of the match was a good thing. However, him just suddenly and inexplicably stopping his strategy of working the knee took a lot away from the match. Again I wonder why, if they plan on putting Cena over so damn much, don’t they give him a REAL finisher, like the Proto-Plex?

Before we go, I’m always the first to admit when I make a mistake, so I got a little mixed up last week. If you’ll remember, the ending of the tag match involved Billy sneaking in his finisher, shoving Chuck out of the ring, then making the cover for the win. I thought this was just the case of a ref being REALLY ignorant, but reader Andy (or, as most of you probably know him, Spaceman Spiff) pointed out that Billy was actually “posing” as Chuck for the win. This makes sense because Billy kept his face out of sight from the ref (which is something I didn’t get at the time), and since both Billy & Chuck have similar builds and hair color, it’s an understandably easy mistake to make. So, the ref’s aren’t as dumb as I thought.

Well, what a way to end it. My last Velocity for now and instead of anything special we get three sub par matches ending in three sub par roll-up finishes. Hopefully I’ll be back on Velocity before anyone notices I was gone, but if not… well… GO FUNAKI!!!!!! GO CHAVO!!!!!!! GO MIKE AWESOME!!!!!! The most underrated men in the WWE need all the support they can get.

Oh, don’t forget to check out Byron’s Weekend News if you haven’t already and RetroRob’s Confidential recap and any other fine columns that come out this weekend.

Edward Robins
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"To me, bad taste is what entertainment is all about... [just] remember there is such a thing as good bad taste and bad bad taste." – John Waters

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