TNA
Raw from JHawk's Beak (October 28)
By Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
Oct 28, 2002, 22:56

Raw from JHawk's Beak (October 28, 2002)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

What a weekend in sports: Lots of positive sports moments for yours truly this weekend, as Ohio State survives a scare against Penn State (somebody fix Maurice Clarett's shoulder already), the Cleveland Browns make a huge comeback to defeat the Jets (somebody let Cleveland keep a game close early so I'm not pissed off the entire first half), and the Angels win the World Series. It didn't matter who won the Series because the Yankees weren't in it (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *cough* Erm, I mean, "What a fricking shame."), but that was a great series. Although how the hell Tim McCarver and Joe Buck can claim Barry Bonds should have been the MVP anyway is beyond me. What did he do in the clutch the entire series? Nothing. Thank you. Had the Giants won it, Bonds would have been MVP despite David Bell and Benito Santiago both getting much more crucial hits throughout the entire series. So in this case, I'm glad the Angels won just to prevent non-Giants fans from throwing a hissy fit at Bud Selig.

Speaking of Bud Selig, here's something he did during the World Series I find rather interesting. Wasn't that Pete Rose I saw being honored during the Most Memorable Moments ceremony before Game 4? Isn't he supposedly banned from ever appearing at a major league ballpark for life? Isn't the aforementioned ban keeping him from his rightful spot in the Hall of Fame? Selig claimed that the fans voted for it, so it's an acceptable exception. Hey Bud. Maybe you're not aware of this, but about 85% of baseball fans think the ban's asinine, and they, along with most of the other 15%, don't think the ban should keep him out of the Hall of Fame, so don't use us as a crutch. You didn't ban him, so you don't have an obligation to enforce the ban. I don't care if Pete Rose never sets foot on a baseball field again, but he had more base hits than anybody ever, he had a career .303 batting average, and he deserves to be in the Hall, so swallow your damned ego and let the man in.

OK, baseball rant over. Now onto business.

First off, some of you have been asking about archives to previous stuff, and we finally have the archive available. Check out the archives and you can follow up on not only my stuff, but everybody else's stuff that you may have missed. They're all good, although I'd recommend Dr. Tom's SmackDown reports so you can see what it's like for someone who recaps a good show.

Onto tonight's show. Last week, the asinine "Kane is a murderer" storyline continued, with the showing of a videotape alienating 95% of the fans that were still left (which leaves about 3 people watching this week's show). The show ended with Kane stuffing Triple H into the trunk of his car, allowing Hunter to no-sell death for the second time in two years. In that time, Jerry Lawler told readers of his website to get a sense of humor, and wwe.com rigged an online poll to make people think that 50% of their visitors are stupid enough to like an angle that suggests rape, murder, and necrophilia.

Oh yeah, and there was wrestling too, most notably Spike and Bubba Ray Dudley defeating the much more deserving team of William Regal and Lance to earn a shot at the World Tag Team Championship tonight.

And The Big Show was traded to SmackDown, and no announcement was made as to Raw got in return.

Dark Helmet: "Everybody got that?"

Segment 1

We open with scary Halloween music and two people standing by a casket. Did they rehire Vince Russo over the weekend?

Cue the opening.

And somehow, Hungry Hungry Hippos is already in the Joe Louis Arena because the part of the angle we forget is BEING TRAPPED IN THE FUCKING TRUNK! Sorry. And he's got a chair, so apparently he's going to stage a sit-in. Lovely, it's 9:02 and I'm already pissed. We have a special guest tonight, but first, a message for Kane...don't stuff someone in a trunk with a child-safety lock. Um...nice save, I guess. Anyway, last week, people were offended, and some will never watch the show again...and he agrees because what Kane did was wrong. But the only person's opinion who matters is Katie Vick, who is apparently in the casket at ringside. Talk about digging up an old girlfriend. Guys, I'm only watching this show as it is because I know nobody else will recap this show for this site, so it's probably not a good idea to push this angle any further. So open the casket, and there's the mannequin that's supposed to be Katie Vick. Hunter "helps" her out of the casket, and I think this is supposed to be comedy, but nobody except Lawler is laughing. And Triple H is doing the worst ventriloquism act ever...well, we probably shouldn't interrupt when Hunter's getting a nice piece of wood. ::checks watch:: Six minutes have gone...there's the small penis jokes...lalalalalalala. "Just like his World Title matches with me...always coming up a little bit short." You get the picture. Hunter says he doesn't give a damn if we were offended and we can kiss his ass, because he'll do whatever, whenever, yada yada yada, and here comes The Hurricane to be sacrificed yet again. Hurricane says Hunter wasn't happy last week and now he is, so "WUZZUPWITDAT?" Don't you remember, the trunk wasn't locked...I mean, Hunter was smart enough to hit the child safety latch. But wait! Hurricane has operating room footage. And someone wearing a Hunter mask has a sledgehammer pulled out of his ass. Now THAT'S funny! And the little pieces of fabric ala any local magician. The masks even change facial expressions. A hand? When did he sleep with Mae Young? And a squirrel! What's with the hammer and chisel? And a gear shift. And the steering wheel. And the joke is officially dying. JR: "Is that a hospital or the Brisco Brothers?" And the doctor pulls Triple H's head out of his ass. OK, that was fucking classic, even if they went way too far out of the way for that punchline. Hey! Don't kick a corpse, Hunter! The wig comes off, and the mannequin has a male head. And here comes Kane, and it's a rumble in the Joe! Security comes out to break it up, but Kane goes apeshit until Hunter ends up on top...OK, wrong choice of words. Out comes Easy E, Sgt. Slaughter, Terry Taylor, and the referees to try and maintain order. Even the wrestlers come out. Bischoff has had enough and signs a casket match for later tonight. Kane's smiling. Hunter's pissed.

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HHHater Clock: 1 segment, 15:00 of airtime.

And I have to admit, aside from the "videotape" being a tad too long, once the Hurricane got out there, that was a hell of an entertaining segment (never mind the entire first half of it bombing). It looks like the feud is finally going to end tonight, and it sure as hell better, but they went for obvious humor that doesn't cater to the morbid this time, and they used it to set up an actual match. And they covered for the trunk coming open as they went off the air, but Jesus Christ, Hunter getting credit for every tiny detail is starting to piss me off.

Segment 2

Backstage, "F-View" is showing Trish the Cheating Bitch on her cell phone, and she's getting undressed. Why not just call it "GTV"?

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Lance Storm and William Regal vs. Rob...Van...Dam and Tommy F'N Dreamer

Regal gets the stick to question why Americans allow trick-or-treating. Why is RVD curtain jerking? Why are any of these guys curtain jerking, for that matter? Let's take you back to RVD and Dreamer retiring the Hardcore Title. RVD and Storm start. RVD with a spinning leg lariat for an early 2. Regal in, and RVD gets him with a springboard bodyblock for 2. Regal gains the advantage and takes RVD down with a half nelson suplex and covers for 2. Storm tagged back in, and he works over RVD. An elbowsmash gets 2 as Dreamer starts an "RVD" chant. Armbar with a chinlock by Storm, but RVD is out of it, and there's RVD with a springboard side kick. Regal in, RVD with a stepover spin kick and the hot tag to Dreamer. Spinebuster by Dreamer gets 2. Dreamer sets up a DDT, but Storm comes off the top and gets caught with a Dreamer clothesline. RVD goes after Storm, but misses and hits nothing but guardrail. Regal to the floor, Dreamer taunts him, but here comes Storm off the top with the Canadian flag. Regal covers Dreamer for the pin in 3:12.

Bischoff is backstage with Three Minutes (and Rico), and when he discusses the Elimination Chamber, he doesn't want any screw-ups like last week. After all, what happens if Big Show pins Brock Lesnar at the Survivor Series? Besides SmackDown viewers sticking with Friends and Survivor Thailand? Bisch is tired of being disrespected on his show. Don't forget who made you and made you all that money. Now make an impact "or your three minutes are up".

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I saw the participants for this match come out and went "cool". Then I saw that they gave it three minutes and went "shit". I mean, this match is one of the few that had any potential at all to compete with anything SmackDown offers, and it gets three minutes? Watch the casket match get two segments. Watch it happen.

Segment 3

We're also at The World tonight, and Saturday, Madison Square Garden was packed to see Survivor Series tickets go on sale. Limited tickets are still available, and when they can't sell out MSG on opening day, you know they're hurting.

My Future Wife and Test are in an empty bar, and Test is listening to Stacy for advice on how to improve her gimmick. Stacy suggests calling his fans "testicles". This is too easy.

One fall for the World Tag Team Championship: The New but not necessarily improved Dudley Boyz vs. ChrisTIAN and Y@J(2) (champions)

BUT WAIT! It's a Three Minute Warning for Spike and Bubba Ray, as they come in through the crowd and beat the living hell out of the challengers. I think Spike Dudley is dead following that double wheelbarrow suplex! Does this mean the match is off?

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Well, Jamal and Rosey need their heat back after that abomination from last week, but they didn't actually say whether the match was cancelled or not. I'm not sure I care either way, but they actually advertised this one ahead of time, so it would probably be a good idea to have it anyway.

As I said, the Stacy/Test segment is just too easy to make fun of. I mean, OK, "Testicles" is predictable anyway. But taking advice from Stacy Keibler is like taking singing lessons from the lead singer of the Dixie Chicks or sex tips from a nun.

Segment 4

Batista is coming to Raw...AND YOU WON'T LIKE IT!

Apparently the title match is either cancelled or postponed, so let's move on to...

One fall: Goldust vs. Test (w/My Future Wife)

Test has the stick to say hello to all his Testicles. And Goldust is laughing his ass off. There's the bell, and Goldust gets a quick atomic drop and clothesline before he gets crotched on the top turnbuckle. JR announces Scott Steiner's signing with WWE last week. Anyway, Goldust is setting up for the Shattered Dreams, but Stacy is in, so she gets kissed by Goldust and placed on the turnbuckle in the Shattered Dreams position. He goes for Stacy, but Jack Doan steps in front of it. Test goes for the Big Boot, but Goldust ducks and clotheslines him. Curtain call, but Stacy tosses Doan aside and low blows Goldust. Then it's Test with the Big Boot for the pin at 2:30. JR questions how Stacy shoving the referee isn't a DQ.

Backstage, Bubba is pissed that Easy E sent Jamal and Rosey to the ring, so Bisch tells Bubba to find any partner he wants and he can still get his title shot later.

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I do wish somebody would explain to me why Test is getting a push. (Without saying "He's a hoss and WWE likes hosses.") I also wish somebody would explain to me why they insist on giving us just six minutes of wrestling in the first 45 minutes of the show. Triple H has still had more airtime than the actual wrestling combined so far, and he hasn't been on TV since the first segment. Oh, what did I think of the match? Ummm...doesn't Stacy look delicious?

Segment 5

There's the Scott Steiner video. Coming soon. Well, they're making people look forward to it, I guess.

Triple H gets indirect airtime with a replay of HBK's interview from last week.

And we have breaking news from "RNN Breaking News". And it's Randy Orton to talk about the controversy from last week's show...why was he not mentioned? Anyway, he's rehabbing, so expect to see these updates from time to time. Don't e-mail him though, the lying bastard won't return it!

Coach finds Kane to tell him that the casket match is non-title. So there's no reason for Kane to lose. Kane says what he does tonight will not be an accident.

And apparently our tag team title match will be next. Really.

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A segment where we literally accomplished nothing. I hate these. Let's review.

They could have shocked the world by having Scott Steiner just show up, but now that I think about it, this is probably good, because it appears as though they realize there's no quick fix to their troubles.

I didn't care about Randy Orton when he was healthy. This wastes air time.

Now, if Kane loses tonight, I will complain and scream and holler and probably say some not nice things that I haven't said since Hogan beat Flair like a bitch in 1994. Non-title means Triple H has no reason to win because he has nothing to lose. This should be the blowoff, and as such, this should mean the face goes over and goes over big.

Segment 6

One fall for the World Tag Team Championship (and this time we mean it): Y2J(2) and ChrisTIAN (champions) vs. American Dream Bubba Ray Dudley and Mr. Extreme

The champions actually come out together...sorta. Dear God, let the champs retain. JR thinks the champs will make excuses if they lose the titles, and the bell hasn't even rung yet. Christian and Hardy start, so we talk about Triple H. We get it already. As soon as Bubba tags in, the "We want tables" chant starts. Avalanche in the corner. Christian reverses the whip, and Jericho trips Bubba from the outside. There's the tag to Jericho, and he targets the head. Playing off the concussion. I'm impressed. Tag to Christian, and they get a double backdrop. Christian covers for 2. Bubba catches Christian coming in with a flapjack, and both men are down. Hot tag to Hardy, and Christian blocks the jawjacker. Unprettier attempted, but Hardy out of it. Double legdrop cradle for 2. Nick Patrick goes down in the corner, and all hell breaks loose. Jericho is working over Bubba, Christian brings in some chairs, but Bubba avoids the Con-Chair-to. Christian in the corner, and poetry in motion. Jericho gets catapulted over the top onto Christian, and it's a springboard plancha onto the champs. Out come Jamal and Rosey, and Bubba goes off the top with a plancha onto Jamal, Rosey, and Jericho! The match continues after a...

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They were in a nice going home groove before the run-in from the Samoans, so I'm almost disappointed that this match is getting two segments. But long matches means less time for all the stupid stuff that has alienated their fans the last few weeks, so in that sense, I'm glad the match is continuing. Now if Jeff Hardy could ever hit one of these spots clean, they might have something here.

Segment 7

We're back with Jericho catching Hardy in an abdominal stretch, but during the break, Hardy was "low bridged" by Christian when, in fact, he tried to leg lariat thin air. If you missed it, it was quite humorous in a sad sort of way. Christian in, and a backbreaker gets 2 before Bubba makes the save. Front facelock to kill some time, although if applied right, it does actually hurt like hell. Hot tag made, but Patrick didn't see it, so the champs get some double teaming in. Illegal switch, and Jericho is working over Hardy. Hardy rallies until Jericho gets a sleeping neckbreaker for 2. Jericho knocks Bubba off the ring apron. Series of chops, but after a whip, Jeff "connects" with a springboard bodyblock. Hot tag, and in comes Bubba. Samoan drop! Christian in, and he gets backdropped. Jericho avoids the Bubba Bomb, but not the side slam, and Christian has to save the titles. Blind tag to Hardy, and it's a WUZZUP legdrop to Jericho. "Jeff, get the tables." Patrick won't let Hardy leave the ring, and Christian baseball slides a table into Bubba. Hardy rolls Jericho up for 2. Up top, Whisper in the Wind, and Patrick stops his count to enable Jericho to kick out. Christian in with the belt, but Bubba spears him. On the ramp, Rosey and Jamal hold Spike upside down and Bubba heads out after them. Jeff with a reverse Twist of Fate, but Christian prevents the Swanton long enough for Jericho to head up top. But Jericho is back down, there's the Swanton Bomb, and at 2, Christian pulls Patrick out of the ring. Down goes Christian and Patrick with a baseball slide, but there's Jericho with a belt shot and a Lionsault for the pin at 15:43. A bit overbooked, but quite entertaining. And not one mention of necrophilia for heat. Go figure.

Hunter is backstage to be interviewed by Coach, and Hunter admits he's scared of Kane tonight because the last time he was in a casket, he raped a dead body. There went "not one mention of necrophilia for heat". Kane said last week that he was going to screw Hunter, but Hunter says he's not his type. And what about Shawn Michaels? Did you see the sledgehammer shots? He's not 100%, but Hunter's cell phone starts ringing. F-View shows us that Hunter is talking to Flair, and bad weather is preventing him from showing up tonight. Hunter just wants Flair to show up.

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HHHater Clock: 2 segments, 17:42. But this segment was mostly about the match, so we'll allow it.

I already said it, the tag match was quite a bit overbooked, but it was an entertaining use of 20 minutes. Granted, the first tag team match would have been more suited to the time allowed, but the effort was there (except from maybe Jeff Hardy, who hasn't hit a spot flush in months). I've been saying it since before I started recapping this show, and I'll say it again. Give me wrestling and I'll be happy. Give me soap opera bullshit and I won't be. SmackDown's just about figured that out.

Segment 8

Earlier tonight, Al Snow caught up with Christopher Nowinski in the locker room. Snow stayed loyal to him on Tough Enough 1, and he's proud Nowinski's there, so he stays loyal. But his behavior shows that he made the right choice in picking Maven. Nowinski claims his success has nothing to do with Snow, and to prove it, he'll beat anybody of Snow's choosing tonight. As long as Snow is at ringside.

Live from the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, the only city with more crime than NYC, and here comes Easy E. And in case you haven't heard, Scott Steiner is coming to WWE, and hopefully to Raw. And he'll be surrounded by plenty of talent, because everybody he got in the Big Show trade will soon be on Raw. This is code for "We don't know who to move over yet." Bischoff is taking credit for F-View already. One mystery solved. And if the wrestlers don't like it...that's why they call it "F-View". Cute. And at Survivor Series, it's the Elimination Chamber. We'll find out what it is next week, but it will involve six Raw superstars. It will have elements of Survivor Series, Royal Rumble, and War Games. YES! And for the World Heavyweight Title. It will feature Triple H, Chris Jericho, Booker T, Rob Van Dam, Kane, and Shawn Michaels. Shit, guess who's winning this one? And he's giving Shawn one week to get back to him. And he has more to say, but here comes Booker T to say his piece. Signs in crowd: "5 time" "5 time" "5 time" "5 time" "5 time". That is cool as hell. Booker wants Bischoff to shut up and head to the back so he can have the ring to himself. And he calls out Chris Nowinski. This is going to be interesting.

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Granted, the Elimination Chamber's quality will depend entirely on how well it's executed, but unless they completely fuck this one up, this one could be worth the price of admission by itself. But why the hell is Shawn Michaels in a World Title match on a major PPV? I'm begging he and Hunter eliminate ach other early, because part-time wrestlers should not get title shots. He's had one match in WWF/E in four and a half years, and he's getting a title shot? I don't give a damn if he's got a score to settle with Triple H. Settle it at the Royal Rumble...two months after he's lost the title to either Booker or RVD, who got about the same pop as Bisch went through the names. Shawn's was about on keel with Kane's--decent, but more of a "we cheer because we're supposed to" rather than "we cheer because we like him".

Segment 9

One fall: Booker T vs. Christopher Nowinski with Al Snow at ringside

They trade punches even before the bell, and Booker gets an early advantage with chops. Nowinski heads to the floor on Snow's side and taunts Snow, so Booker pulls him up by the hair. Um...ouch? Nowinski gets Booker in a Hotshot, and a football tackle gets 2. Nice powerslam gets 2. Snap mare, and he gets in a reverse chinlock while hooking the left arm with his leg. Booker comes back and gets a spinebuster. Chops, punches, and a forearm, and a leg lariat gets 2. Spinning leg lariat, Nowinski heads to the floor, and he says something to Snow, so Snow jumps him and costs Booker the match by DQ at 3:07. So Booker takes care of Snow, then works over Nowinski. Scissors kick, clothesline over the top, and there's a Spinnaroonie for the Detroit crowd.

Up next, Trish Stratus has a triple threat title defense!

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Decent match for what it was, but this is another one that deserved more time and didn't get it. Nice bit of psychology by Nowinski, as he guaranteed a victory and got it, albeit thanks to a disqualification. Piss the trainer off, get a win? Sounds like a good deal to me. Too bad Booker had to be the other guy in the ring and not someone who sucks, say, pretty much anybody else on the Raw roster that wasn't in a tag match earlier tonight.

Segment 10

One fall triple threat match for the WWE Women's Championship: Trish the Cheating Bitch (champion) vs. Jacqueline vs. Pure and Wholesome Molly Holly

Trish hits Jackie with a shitty Thesz press to start. Jackie knocks Molly down, then gets a magistral cradle on Trish for 2. Another 2 count and into a half crab, and Molly grabs Trish's other foot, which I would think would actually take pressure off of it. Molly whips Jackie in the corner and gets a handspring elbow. Jackie on the turnbuckle, and she gets Trish is a tornado DDT, and Molly makes the save. Jackie backslides Molly for 2. Molly with a backbreaker to Jacqueline, and she starts kicking Trish. Trish with a double Stratusfaction, and she pins Molly at 2:33. Well, that was pointless.

And highlight the casket. Who's going in there tonight? We'll find out next!

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If they want us to care about the women's division, they could have fooled me with this one. Less than three minutes for three wrestlers to try to put on a competitive and compelling match? Hey, I want the women's division to succeed, but it's hard for it to happen when you won't give them more than three minutes to do their thing. And this was a boring three minutes on top of that.

Segment 11

Non-title casket match: Hungry Hungry Hippos (World Heavyweight Champion) vs. Kane

We might find out Hunter gets less TV time than last week, but only if the show is off the air right at 11:07. Wouldn't it be a fitting bit of karma if Hunter hurt his back tonight and can't wrestle full-time anymore? Not that I'm rooting for it, I'm just saying it would be a fitting bit of karma. Kane is dominating the early portion of this match. The casket opens early, and Kane tries to roll him, but Hunter punches out of it as he gets to the ropes. A shot knocks Hunter into the casket, but the refs won't close the lid and the match continues. Hunter is whipped into the corner and bumps over the top rope. Pointless spot this early, I appreciate the effort anyway. To the floor goes Kane, and Hunter sends him face first into the ring steps. And again, this time shoulder first. Back into the ring they go, and Hunter is punching away at Kane. Trading punches now, with Kane getting the advantage, but Hunter brings him down with a spinebuster. Kane sits up. More punches. Facebuster, which is move number two by my count, and a DDT. WHOO HOO! Expand that moveset! The lid is open, Hunter rolls Kane over, but nope, Kane comes back with, you guessed it, punches. Kane to the top rope, but Hunter punches him and Kane falls crotch first to the top. Superplex by Hunter for his fourth move of the match! The lid is opened again, and he's rolled into the casket, but his feet are still out of the casket. He grabs Hunter by the throat, and if he choke slammed into it right here it would be a cool finish, but not yet. In the ring, Kane backdrops out of a Pedigree attempt. He appears to want to Tombstone Hunter into it, but Hunter slides behind and locks in the Sleeperhold of Supreme Suckitude. Kane backdrop suplexes out of it. Another sit up, and Kane is Hulking Up. Literally. Series of punches, Big Boot, and if this is a legdrop I'm outta here. Nope, it's a clothesline in the corner instead. Side slam and up top...flying clothesline! Calling for the choke slam, but Trips with a kick to the nether regions. Hunter goes to the floor and brings in a chair, and bam! Right to the face! And Kane sits up! Another chair shot, and Hunter wants the lid open. But the Holy Bible Kid comes out of the casket, and there's a flying forearm to Hunter's face. Tune up the band...Sweet Chin Music! Shawn dances, Kane sits up, and Shawn's out to the floor. Kane up...choke slam! He rolls Hunter into the casket, and mercifully it's over in 11:15. Kane is celebrating on his way to the back, and Shawn is in the ring. Dance Shawn, dance! Shawn dances on the casket and we're out.

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I think we found one that beat out Yokozuna-Undertaker for worst casket match ever. I mean, dear God, that was boring as hell, and the crowd was dead until Shawn Michaels showed up. And that was more for the fact they were surprised Michaels was in the arena than it was that they actually wanted him there. But hey, the right guy went over, so they got something right.

Final total on the HHHater Clock: 3 segments, 32:28, 11:15 wrestling time. Hunter actually gets six seconds more TV time this week than he did in one more segment last week, and it will seem better to most because it was one less segment.

Overall, this show had some potential, but the time went to the wrong stuff. The opening tag match and the Booker-Nowinski match both had a ton of potential and got no time to develop; while the tag team title match got loads of time, but it seemed like they were trying to force it to go to the 15-minute mark. Better effort this week than the last few, although that isn't difficult at all, but still, nothing really memorable except for what was hopefully the end of the worst angle of the year.

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