TNA
Raw from JHawk's Beak (12/23/2002)
By Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
Dec 23, 2002, 22:21

Raw from JHawk's Beak (12/23/2002)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

It's been a great year of 2002. And I think WWE could sum it up rather well in a commercial. (Thanks to our own "bps21" for unintentionally providing me with the idea.)

I was there...

When RVD was screwed out of the World Title for the sixth time.

When Chris Jericho jobbed cleanly to John Cena.

When Stone Cold walked out on the company.

I was there.
I was there.
I was there...

When dog shit and shampoo were the basis for WrestleMania feuds.

When my "Proud member of the Hulk Hogan Haters Klub" sign was confiscated even though Hogan was a heel.

When Triple H got 45 minutes of PPV time without wrestling.

I was there.

I was there...

When Triple H violated a mannequin in a casket.

When Stephanie McMahon's "lifetime TV ban" was lifted the second time.

When we got the "F" out.

And now...

I don't go anymore.

THANKS MR. MCMAHON!

(World Wrestling Entertainment. Don't bother showing up. You won't like what you see anyway).

Levity aside... (levity?)

Ah, that wacky AFC: Congratulations to the Cleveland Browns for keeping their very slim playoff hopes alive with yet another fourth quarter comeback over the Ravens. Luckily for us, the Ravens wanted it that much less than we did. Now if Pittsburgh loses to Tampa Bay tonight (which I may or may not have the final for by the time I post this--and as I edit at 11:17pm Eastern, it doesn't look good), it becomes a dogfight for the AFC North title. And if not, there's still a chance (or three) for Cleveland to sneak in the back door. Remember the days when an 8-7 record leading into the final week guaranteed there was no chance in hell of a playoff spot? It seems like just last year. (It WAS just last year.) I know.

Tonight: They taped Raw in advance, and I avoided the spoilers for the most part. We have a World Tag Team Title match tonight and...um...nothing else. In fact, I'd rather be watching Steelers-Buccaneers tonight, so those of you who caught the game instead...you OWE me, dammit!

Segment 1

Ever notice that these video recaps tell you in two minutes what it took 12 minutes to get anywhere near the week before?

Taped 12/21/2002 from the Ford Center in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, we welcome you to Raw! The World Tag Team Titles are on the line tonight! A six woman Santa's Little Helper Match!

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Rob...Van...Dam and Kane (w/o Abel) vs. Three Minute Warning (w/Rico)

Um...didn't we settle this last week? Only there's no third hoss this week. Rosey and Kane start. Rosey with kicks early on. Kane fights back with punches. There's a clothesline to knock the Samoan down. Jamal demands to be tagged in, and he's in...but he gets more of the same from Kane. Series of right hands from Kane, and a corner whip clothesline. Tag to RVD (who hit a Van Terminator on Jamal two weeks ago), and there's a standing rocket launcher for 2. Drop toehold into the turnbuckle, and a split legged moonsault for two. RVD with the boot, Kane knocking Jamal down with a clothesline, and you'd think this is rolling thunder time, but Rosey pulls the ropes for RVD to fall through. RVD is the face-in-peril. Quick tags from the heels and some simple double teaming. Jamal cheap shots Kane, who comes in illegally with a flying clothesline. RVD with a flying side kick to Rosey. Kane side slams Jamal, and THERE'S rolling thunder. Kane with a choke slam, RVD up top, Kane clotheslines Rico to prevent the interference, Five Star Frog Splash, and the crowd helps count the pin at 4:05. Actually pretty decent for a four minute TV match. * RVD points the thumbs, Kane cues the pyro, and all is right with the world. They leave, and Rico is berating his tag team. And a slap to Rosey. 3MW is gonna kill Rico! Jamal and Rosey shove each other, and Rico stops them by yelling...

And we cut to Easy E and Chief Morley backstage. Morley has heard a rumor that Triple H is going to call out Scott Steiner. Bisch doesn't want his Royal Rumble main event compromised. In comes Li'l Spike Dudley, and he questions why Storm and Regal don't have to face Bubba and D-Von again after cheating to win last week. Spike gets a match with Batista for his troubles, and if the half brothers interfere, it's suspensions galore!

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Actually a pretty decent tag team match, and possibly the beginning of the end for the Island Boyz. It's a shame too, because I actually liked the gimmick before they decided to punish Jamal for hurting people. Heaven forbid people get hurt in professional wrestling, huh? Anyway, I'd much rather see RVD in singles at the top of the card, but this could actually be a good placeholder tag team until they get Hunter vs. Steiner out of their systems.

Segment 2

Earlier tonight, Good Ol' JR got a good pop while the Oklahoma University band played "Boomer Sooner".

One fall: Test (w/My Future Wife) vs. D'Lo Brown

Stacy looks quite yummy tonight. Earlier tonight, D'Lo compliments Stacy for her work with Test and asks for her services. Her hands are filled with Testicles, but she'll keep him in mind. I think D'Lo likes the white women. I just can't decide if D'Lo looks like 2Pac or Eminem. Tieup to start. D'Lo gets a cheap shot in and starts running. He catches Test with a rope stunner as Test gets to the apron and follows him outside. Whip into the ringsteps. D'Lo comes on to Stacy as she cringes. Test fights his way back in...but gets crotched as he tries to reenter the ring over the top rope. WHAT A RIGHT HAND! Damn! D'Lo punches away, and there's a spinebuster for 2. Pretty looking moonsault misses, and Jack Doan gets the double count going. Both men up, and Test punching away. Backdrop. Clothesline, whip, clothesline. Pumphandle powerslam, D'Lo grabs the rope at 2. Test wants the boot, but D'Lo takes a Tastykake break. He wants Stacy, but Test cuts him off. D'Lo sends Test into the ropes, uses the ropes for leverage...and the referee sees it. D'Lo bitches and shoves Doan down, and that's a DQ at 4:11. Stacy is in the ring, and D'Lo has her cowering...and shoves her into Test to avoid an onslaught. Too much brawling from D'Lo here. 1/2*

Raw Retro: JR kisses Vince McMahon's ass (11/26/2001). We'll blur the F in "WWF" but not Vinnie Mac's ass.

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So far so good for the heel D'Lo Brown, as he's showing more of a mean streak. The downside is that he apparently isn't allowed to do any actual wrestling in order to get the angle over. And I won't even complain about the DQ here, simply because D'Lo shows his frustration at not being able to win and gets himself disqualified. Keep the DQs to a minimum and let D'Lo get more and more frustrated and as a result, more and more aggressive, and this could work.

Segment 3

We're on two day tape delay in Oklahoma City. Friday in Memphis, The Pharaoh signed copies of his book.

And here comes Eric Bischoff to the ring with Chief Morley. And he's hyping the WWE Royal Rumble on January 19. The Raw main event: Triple H vs. Scott Steiner for World Heavyweight Title. And in the rumble itself: 15 Raw superstars, 15 SmackDown superstars, the winner gets a shot at his brand's title at WrestleMania. And they're talking over Bischoff, so here he comes to the broadcast booth. "Asshole" chants start as Bisch starts talking. Apparently during the break, F-View caught them bitching about the Raw Retro clip. JR: "If he would worry more about business than ruining people's lives, we'd have a better TV show." Was he talking about Bischoff or Triple H? Bischoff says he has Tony Schiavone's number on speed dial, and Ventura's term as governor is almot up. And since they were just insubordinate, they could be fired, but instead, we're going to debut the brand new tag team of...wait for it...and get to the point, Eric...Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. He knows JR isn't a wrestler, but if he doesn't act like it, they're both fired. Pee Wee Anderson is rolling over in his grave here. Lawler: "I'll think of something."

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Whoever came up with the idea of embarassing Jim Ross every time he's home needs to be fired (if he hasn't been already). Not only do they waste valuable TV time that could be used to get the wrestlers over (what a concept there, huh?), but now they're putting Jim Ross in a wrestling ring for the first time in over three years (and even that was one time too many). What a freaking waste of time. That's going to be at least five minutes that I'll never get back. Why does JR get to wrestle on Raw when half the talent gets relegated to Heat?

Segment 4

Coach will talk to Triple H after our next match.

One fall: Christopher Nowinski vs. The Hurricane

Sign in crowd: "Harverd sucks." Good, spell it wrong and prove his point. WrestleMania tickets go on sale on January 11. Nowinski attacks before the bell. Either a botched doctor bomb or a botched gutwrench suplex for 2. Hurricane fights back and gets a flying clothesline in. Blockbuster gets 2. Nowinski avoids the Eye of the Hurricane and drives Hurricane down with a spinebuster. Nowinski to the top rope, and Maven is out to distract him. Hurricane crotches him, and the Shining Black gets the win at 1:56. 1/2* That's it? Good to see Hurricane win though.

Hungry Hungry Hippos is with the Coach. And before Coach can say "You're a coward Hunter", Hunter gets all defensive and says he didn't back down. Not at all. And if Hunter wanted to, he'd kick Scott's ass. So tonight, he's going to the ring to call Scott Steiner out.

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HHHater Clock: One segment, 1:07.

It's good to see Hurricane went over, but quite frankly, this just helps my case that the JR/Lawler match is a bad idea. This had the potential to be at least above average if given 5-7 minutes, but they get less than two because we're putting an announcer in the ring. It still says "wrestling" on the marquee, to paraphrase one of the greats, and in the long run that's what people want to see. But do they get it? No, but an interview got more than half the time the match did.

Segment 5

One fall: Don't Call Me Dave Batista (w/The Man WHOO!) vs. Li'l Spike Dudley

Sadly, this might end up being shorter than the previous match. Spike gets a slap, which only serves to piss Batista off. Out of the ring, and Spike is punching away...and Batista simply power bombs him onto the guardrail. OUCH! Back in the ring. Batista is in complete control. High Angle Sitout Power Bomb, and that's the win in 1:22. I'll give it 1/4* because that guardrail power bomb was cool as hell, but otherwise this match was meaningless.

The GM and Chief are backstage. Now that one problem is solved, Morley asks Bisch if he'll team with him against Lawler and JR. William Regal and Lance Storm are in to kiss some ass. Storm and Regal are undefeated as a team on Raw, and after some ass kissing from Regal, they volunteer their services against JR and The King. Anti-Oklahoma slant gets a huge boo as Bisch makes the match official, and they can use whatever force they deem necessary.

F-View is in the Divas locker room. They get a shot of Stacy bending over.

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I don't think I can say anything about that match that hasn't been said the last six weeks already. So let's move on. There are only two possibilities in the tag team match. Either JR gets embarrassed at home again, or the winning streak ends at the hands of a non-wrestler. Well, whoopdee freaking doo, I'm gonna stay tuned for THAT one! Who is this helping besides ABC at this point?

Segment 6

Six Diva Santa's Little Helper Match scheduled for one fall: Victoria (WWE Women's Champion), Ivory, and Molly Holly (in ultra conservative Santa sit) vs. Jacqueline, My Future Wife and Trish the Cheating Bitch

Basically, it's a six woman tag team match with the women in Santa's suits. Next week, it's the Best of 2002. The Rock vs. Hollywood Hulk Hogan from WrestleMania! The TLC Match that started the Katie Vick angle! That sounds like a really awful show! And Trish has the baby doll look going for her tonight. All six begin to brawl to start. Stacy leapfrogs Molly, shows her ass, and gets a spinning leg lariat for 2. Molly tags Victoria, and Stacy goes down thanks to a double clothesline. Slap to the face by Victoria. Triple team in the heel corner. Victoria goes for a shoulderblock in the corner, but Stacy avoids it and tags Jacky in. Nice headscissors takedown. Molly with a knee to the back, so Jacky goes after her. That allows Victoria to regain the advantage. Slingshot somersault legdrop for 2, and had Charles Robinson started counting before tomorrow she might have had it right there. Victoria gets sent into Ivory, who gets crotched on the corner, and here comes Trish. All six women in, Stacy exposes Molly's granny panties, and we get a four woman brawl. Trish gets the Strautsfaction on Ivory as Jacky tornado DDTs Victoria, and there's a double pin at 3:33. *sigh* DUD

Coach is with Big Poppa Steroid Pump, and Steiner cuts one of his unintelligible promos that basically says he'll give Hunter a reason to be scared tonight.

Goldust is looking for Booker T, but he finds Y2J+2 instead. Jericho tries to play mind games by saying Goldust is still the weak link, so Goldust plays the HBK superkick card. Jericho tells Goldust that Booker T got the pin in the title match, and Christian got the pin on Raw, so Goldust is a failure as a performer, a husband, a father, and a human being. The match is NEXT!

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The match was meant for eye candy, and in that sense was successful. The match largely sucked though. I won't comment on the Steiner promo since I didn't understand a word of it. I did, however, like the Jericho-Goldust segment. Another nice and calm interview from Jericho that got the point across without him sounding like a whiny little twit. I'm liking the change in attitude from Jericho. And there's doubt as to exactly who is going to win the match tonight (at least for those of us who didn't read the spoilers).

Segment 7

One fall for the World Tag Team Championship: Y2J+2 and ChrisTIAN vs. Booker T and Goldust (champions)

This match better kick ten kinds of ass or this show is a complete write-off. Christian and Goldust start. Christian with some kicks, but Goldust quickly gets an inverted atomic drop. Christian avoids a butt bump, but not a lariat. Tag to Booker. Leg lariat for 2. Arm wringer. Hair pull by Christian, tag to Jericho, but Booker maintains the advantage. Suplex, tag to Goldust, flying punch. Christian with a shot from behind, Goldust punches him off the apron, and then he sends Jericho over the top rope and onto Christian. Jericho back in, corner 10 punch count along, but Goldust gets taken off the ropes, and Jericho dropkicks Goldust in the back from the middle turnbuckle. Jericho and Christian begin to take turns working over the lower back. Christian with an inverted backbreaker for 2. And into a chinlock as the crowd rallies behind him. Goldust tries to fight back and gets taken back. Tag to Jericho, and a flying elbow to the back. Great strategy here. Tag to Christian, and he continues working the back. Goldust fights out of the heel corner and gets Christian with a neckbreaker. Hot tag to Booker, and he's got both men rocking. Backdrop to Christian. Suplex for Jericho. Spinebuster to Christian for 2. The numbers finally become too much for Booker T, but he rams their heads together and gets a double leg lariat. Goldust gets Jericho out of the ring, SPINNAROONIE, scissor kick, and he gets 3, but Nick Patrick sees Christian's foot on the ropes and asks for the match to continue.

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Pretty good so far (although the false finish drives me nuts). Hopefully the restart doesn't end up screwing Booker and Goldust over, because I'd like to see how much mileage they can get out of this title reign. Let's see how it plays out.

Segment 8

We're back with Jericho back suplexing Booker T. Jericho cups his hand to his ear to soak up the boos because someone has to without Hogan active. Jericho Juke and Jive, but Booker scores with a spinning heel kick. Goldust wants the tag, and he gets the crowd into it while waiting for it. Tag is made, but Christian had Patrick distracted, so it doesn't count. Double team, and now Christian is in without a tag. I HATE that. Booker fighting back, but Christian with a dropkick and a cover. Goldust makes the save. Jericho in and chopping away. Booker blocks a punch and starts chopping away. Brisco roll up for 2. Jericho stops him with a running forearm smash. Tag to Christian. Snap mare into a reverse chinlock. Booker elbowing out of it. Christian gets an elbow and comes off the top, but Booker catches Christian and takes him down with a flapjack. Tag to Jericho, HOT TAG to Goldust. Lariats by Goldust. Series of punches, and he keeps Christian in check, but Jericho with a takedown. Walls of Jericho is countered with an inside cradle for 2 3/4. Goldust DDTs both men, and he wants Shattered Dreams on Christian...DING! Jericho winds up running into Christian, powerslam to Jericho, and thr...two? That seemed slow. Jericho is able to get Goldust into the Walls of Jericho. Goldust pulls himself to the ropes, but Jericho pulls him back to the center of the ring. Superkick by Booker to break the hold. Another leg lariat, a shot for Christian, and Jericho sends Booker to the floor. Jericho rolls up Goldust, uses the ropes for leverage, but only two. Asai moonsault, Goldust lifts the knees. Goldust with a roll up, handful of tights, and the pin at 16:46 (including commercial). Excellent match that might have saved the show. ***1/2

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What a match! They had me worried that the belts were going to switch (and being a taped show I probably should have known better, but this is WWE after all). Some great false finishes, and a tiny bit of overbooking, but one of the best matches I've seen on this show in months. And Goldust apparently proves once and for all that he's not the "weak link" of the team, but the handful of tights gives them the chance to keep it going if they choose to.

Segment 9

Next week, the Best of 2002. Hogan vs. The Rock. I'll probably be here, but that's a waste.

Kane is leaving the arena, and RVD is there to say they rock as a tag team. RVD asks if he's visiting his folks for the holidays (uh...Rob...never mind). Kane says he tortured squirrels with razor blades when he was a kid. RVD: "Hey! Right on!" RVD gives Kane a Christmas gift...Hungry Hungry Hippos. Is that a tip of the hat to me? RVD compares this to yoga or something. Kane: "I don't like Christmas, and I don't like games." RVD: "I knew I should have gone with Chutes and Ladders."

Our hosts are discussing their match, and Lawler says to let him do most of the work.

Ric Flair is backstage with the champ, and HHH makes sure the technician has everything ready. Flair wants Hunter to wait for the Rumble. Hunter: "Screw Scott Steiner, Ric!" He's on his way to the ring to call out Steiner.

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HHHater Clock: Two segments, 1:59.

Is torturing squirrels with razor blades considered babyface behavior these days? An OK segment with RVD and Kane, but RVD's best in the ring and should just be given ten minutes to do his thing in the ring every week. Kane has been showing some personality lately, so I guess this was character development for him, but this didn't exactly further any angles or anything.

Segment 10

And here comes Triple H, but not before he gets his full entrance. Flair is with him if it actually matters at this point. The entrance was longer than both of his previous segments combined. Hunter is all "I am great, I'm not afraid of anybody, yada yada yada", and Steiner only called him out because he wasn't 100%. What was with the high-pitched voice? You haven't been 100% in almost two years, don't waste my time with this shit. So he finally calls Steiner out, and he tries to say Steiner's a coward after like 3 seconds, but there's his music. Scotty enters the ring, and there's a staredown. Hunter: "I'm not backing down from, I'm being smart." The contracts are signed for the Royal Rumble, and they'll make a lot of money (since it's off a guaranteed contract and everything), but he doesn't want to risk a penny to actually wrestle. That would be silly. He steals Ric Flair's "To be the man, you've got to beat the man," and Steiner finally interrupts. "These people in Oklahoma didn't come here to see you. They came here to see me kick your ass." Well, he had me until the second sentence. Steiner doesn't want to waste time talking about it. Let's go right now. Hunter backs away grabbing for the mic, but Steiner won't let go of the mic. So a technician gives Hunter his own mic. Hunter issues a challenge for an arm wrestling match. Steiner starts to leave, but Hunter starts using the coward card. Didn't arm wrestling as a sport die with Over the Top? Steiner sits at the table, and Hunter wastes time. GET ON WITH IT! Hunter removes his jacket. He takes his time. He finally sits down. It starts without a hitch. Hunter gets an advantage, but Steiner smiles...and wins it handily (but not quickly). Hunter pushes Flair aside, and Steiner beats him again. Steiner wants a real match, and Hunter backs away again. Cue Steiner's catch phrase with a vow to win the title thrown in.

Up next. Regal and Storm vs. Lawler and JR.

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HHHater Clock: Three segments, 15:49. And thank you for that making that segment about 7 minutes longer than expected. I give it a week before the Torch reports that since Hunter put Steiner over in arm wrestling that he wants Steiner to return the job at the Rumble. And this does not make me want to see this match. On the bright side, at least they're booking Hunter to look like the heel this time. Not that they'll stick with it after the holiday.

Segment 11

Bischoff and Morley are going to call our "main event".

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Lance Storm and William Regal (8-0 on Raw) vs. The Pharaoh and Good Ol' JR (0-0)

Bischoff: "Lawler looks like a bad margarine commercial coming out to the ring like that." Lawler (of course) and Regal start. Regal with an arm wringer to start. Front facelock, but Lawler flips him over by the arm. Tag to Storm. Storm with a side headlock, Lawler sends him off and backdrops him over. Into the ropes and Storm with a shoulderblock. Lawler comes back with a dropkick, and Ross catches him with a shot when Storm reaches the corner. Atomic drop, but Storm had tagged Regal, so he's in and working over Lawler. Multiple cover spot off of nothing of note. Regal has quite a large bruise on his chest. Storm in, and a hard forearm gets 2. Cross facelock, tag to Regal, but a miscommunication spot gives Lawler the edge. Bodyslam to Regal, and a vintage flying fistdrop for 2. Storm misses a leg lariat and gets Charles Robinson instead. Regal with the knuckles, but Lawler avoids it and punches away. Piledriver...nope, Regal with a low blow. Close up of the knuckles, Ross tags in, grabs the knuckles, but Storm levels him from behind. Double teaming, but here comes The Reunited Damn Dudley Boyz. 3D to Storm, Ross with the Power of the Punch to Regal, hiding the knuckles in his pocket, cover, and Patrick wakes up to count the pin in 5:35. Surprisingly inoffensive match there. Don't get me wrong, it sucked, but the booking was inoffensive. DUD The Dudleyz put JR on their shoulder like he just won the Fiesta Bowl!

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All right, so they found a rather inoffensive way to put JR over. It took outside interference AND use of brass knuckles to get the win. My only problem...the refeee didn't see what was basically an illegal tag anyway. So kudos for decent booking, but this should have been strictly for the live crowd and not used for television.

Overall, it's a damn good thing they had that Tag Team Title match, because other than that, this show sucked and sucked hard. Ooo, arm wrestling, that will put asses in the seats. Hey, broadcasters wrestling, sign me up! What a joke.

If you missed this one, consider yourself lucky, but find a copy of the tag title match.

Send me your feedback.

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