TNA
WWE Velocity: CRUCIFIED~!
By "Crucifixio Jones"
Jan 5, 2003, 14:33

WWE Velocity: CRUCIFIED~! for Saturday January 4, 2003

"I usually don't ski the North East. The mountains are...so tiny."

by "Crucifixio Jones"

In the DVD Player: Lilo & Stitch - (Don't laugh, it's actually quite good and may very well become the reason your favorite Disney movie is no longer your favorite)
In the CD Player: Jennifer Lopez feat. LL Cool J - All I Have (yeah, yuck it up but in a month's time you'll be hearing it NON-STOP)
In Winamp3: Some clips of Montana Gunn, a 5'0" big-breasted sexual dynamo I was a big fan of back in 1997.

- Your hosts are The Cat and Josh

The first Velocity of the New Year for yours truly and I miss the first 3 mintues. Sorry.


Jamie Noble & Nunzio vs. Jeff Michaels & Jim Lucas

Michaels and Lucas will be henceforth referred to as Jobber A and Jobber B. I actually walk into my bedroom as Nunzio has Jobber A in an armbar. I notice that even though his gimmick is that he is Noble's cousin, apparently (due to his full FBI regalia) he is a full-blooded Italian and dresses nothing like Noble or Nidia. Weird. No dedication to the gimmick whatsoever. Nunz tags to Noble and Noble gives Jobber A a face-first suplex. Noble chokes A out over the second rope and the ref breaks it up. As the ref tends to Noble, Nidia punches A hard in the face. Scoop slam by Noble and he goes up top to drop an elbow. It misses and A tags B. B comes in on fire, handing out clothelines and backbody drops. He tries a stalling vertical suplex but Nunzio breaks that up and then Noble and Nunz drag Jobber A back in, just to throw him out on the other side of the ring. While Nunz beats on A, Noble makes B tap out to the Trailer Hitch. Nunz isn't quite finished unleashing his sexual frustrations, so he beats on the defeated some more. He holds a jobber up for Nidia to slap. She refuses. And then turns around and kicks the jabroni in the nards. Ouch.

- You know, being a former Marine, I always get a good laugh outta that SOCOM: Navy Seals ad. I'm gonna have to get that game. I saw xXx, by the way, this Tuesday and YES it sucked. I enjoyed Barbershop about ten times more and that's from a pretty picky movie guy.

- Anyone out there gonna buy Dragonball Z: Budokai for PS2? To me, it doesn't look like a drastic improvement over Final Bout and Final Bout was for the original Playstation. Not good.

- TE III RECAP. Do we have anyone here at the site who recaps this anymore? Or did the show itself drive our recapper insane? I say that, but I actually watched the show this week and it managed to hook me in to wanna see next week's episode. I'm such a sucker.


A-Train vs. Derek Selsvold

The Cat says his mom loves Albert because he looks like Billy Dee Williams. "He need ta take dat fur coat off 'fo he come to da ring," Cat says. The Cat and Josh ignore this match as do I. Instead they discuss Angle and his team, Brock, Benoit, basically everything other than this match. Albert nails a bicycle kick and his backbreaker for the win. "He's a pretty boy," says Cat without a hint of irnoy. That's what made it funny.

- You know it kills me everytime I see the ad for Smackdown: Shut Your Mouth and Brock Lesnar whips Kurt Angle into a van which explodes on contact propelling Kurt at least 15 feet in the air and about 10 feet away onto the top of another car which also explodes. Does Kurt DIE from any of this? And as a wrestling fan, why would I want to buy this game...the realism?

RECAP: The Dawn Marie/Al Wilson Wedding. Blech. Why on Earth does WWE continue to tease nudity on network television? Anyone who still watches this dreck has watched it for YEARS now and already knows, not only from all of the times they've failed to deliver, but because of you know, basic television standards and laws, they CAN'T go through with it, even if they wanted to. So why does WWE even think we're dumb enough to stick around in the hopes of seeing Dawn Marie (of all people) in the buff? It's only happened ONCE in the history of WWE and that was for like 2 seconds on a pay per view. It's a waste of my time and an insult to my semi-existent intelligence. With that said, I was disappointed we didn't get to see Dawn Marie naked. She looked damn good in the bra, panties and garters, though.

RAW RETRO - from June 11th, 2001 a.k.a. The RAW I Missed. Yeah, I was on vacation in L.A. and my wife's folks don't have cable. When I read about the match online when I got home I wanted to kill her entire family. Kurt Angle misses a moonsault from the top of the cage. Owie.


Funaki vs. Charles Schippereit

I bet Funaki's gonna win. Call it a hunch. Side headlock by Funaki. Schipp gets out and gets a deep armdrag and a dropkick from Smackdown's Numbah Run Announcer. Funaki is irish whipped by Schipp but comes off the second rope with a crossbody for 2. Funaki does the droptoehold/dropkick to the face combo and STILL can't drum up the type of crowd response TAKA used to for the same spot. Back to their feet, Schipp telegraphs a back body drop and gets a kick to the chest. Funaki charges in to take advantage but gets overhead belly-to-belly suplexed for 2. Irish whip by Schipp and Funaki gets a sunset flip for 2. Scoop slam by Schipp, but he misses his 2nd rope legdrop. Funaki takes over and gets a bulldog for 2. Schipp gets a jawbreaker to turn the tide and irish whips Funaki to the far corner. He charges in, but meets Funaki's boots. Funaki locks him in, Tornado DDT, 1, 3, 2, 7, f*uck, you know. It's over.

- I don't know how many of you have seen "PUMPKIN" with Christina Ricci but the kid in that Tekken 4 ad is Pumpkin Romanov. Just thought you'd like to know. See, to give some background...Ricci plays this sorority sister with the perfect life and perect tennis playing boyfriend before her sorority volunteers to help train some athletes for the Special Olympics. Ricci's character falls for the retard she's training. That wasn't very PC to say "retard", was it? But you at least got where I was coming from. Cool little independent flick that wraps up a little too cute at the end, but the journey is rather enjoyable. Mini-movie review over.

LUGZ Boot of the Week: Matt V.1 gives Shannon Moore some tough love for failing to beat Brock Lesnar last week. That'll learn that little MF'er.

RECAP: Heyman makes the match between Brock and the Big Show. I may have to order The Rumble simply because of the Angle versus Benoit Main Event. Because in all honesty, I never thought this day would come. You know, glass ceiling and all. See, that's the one good thing about this split. All the old cripples over on RAW get to compete and get fucked over by Triple H and on Smackdown we get what we really wanna see: Angle vs. Benoit with the real WWE title on the line. *draws line through #5 on Wrestling Wet Dream list*

WWE Rewind: Billy Kidman vs. Eddy Guerrero. Heel John Cena interferes on the behalf of face Kidman to cost heel Eddy the match and forces him to job to the Shooting Star Press on national television. Huh?


Chavo Guerrero vs. Tajiri

BLACK BEARDS COLLIDE~!

Where's Tajiri been anyway? I turned in my "smark" card around the time HHH started fucking mannequins so I'm kinda outta the loop...speaking of which, anyone know how many stitches that gash Brock had on his busted grape (courtesy of MATTITUDE~!) required to close it?

Lockup into a single leg takedown into a side headlock by Chavo. Tajiri armdrags his way out. Test of strength follows and Chavo CHEATS by kicking Tajiri in the gut. He powers the Buzzsaw down to the mat, but Tajiri bridges up and armdrags out again. Scoop slam by Tajiri and he locks in an armbar. Chavo backs Tajiri into the far corner and drives shoulders into his midsection. European uppercut by Chavo to put the cherry on the sundae, so to speak. A dropkick to the side of Tajiri's head gets two. A back suplex by Chavo gets another two-count. Chavo then goes to the addominal stretch. Tajiri attacks Chavo's leg with elbows to escape and then delivers three stiff kicks to that same leg until Chavo falls. Chavo begs off and then CHEATS sending Tajiri face-first into the second turnbuckle. Chavo CHEATS, choking Tajiri with his boot until Tajiri takes that boot and tosses Chavo away. Irish whip by Chavo and Tajiri comes back with the handspring elbow. Chavo manages to duck to side kicks before getting caught with a spinning heel kick for a two-count. Irish whip by Tajiri and he follows Chavo in and catches boots to the grill. Chavo goes up, comes down and gets a STIFF Tajiri back kick in his face. It gets a 2. Chavo irish whips Tajiri and follows him in. Tajiri evades and locks Chavo into the Tarantula. Tajiri releases him and sets up for his finishing kick, but Chavo CHEATS and hides behind the referee. Chavo then CHEATS and sneaks out from behind the ref to land a kick to the gut and sets up the Gorry Special. Tajiri rolls through for a quick one-count, but Chavo rolls through as well and CHEATS by putting his feet on the ropes for the 3-count and the win.

See, it's okay to CHEAT. You win. And as the Cat said, "That stupid-ass ref didn't see it." That makes it A-okay.

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