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TSM Weekend Newsflash
By Byron Vester
Mar 24, 2003, 15:03
Howdy, folks! What the fuck goin� on? Yeah, it�s been a few weeks, what can I say, research papers suck many different kinds of ass. Of course, it didn�t help that I put off some of the deadline stuff til the very last minute like a true Vester, but hey, it works for me. A lot�s happened since the last time I did one of these as in the NCAA Men�s Tournament which has really screwed up my(and a lot of other peoples� brackets so far). I mean really, how many of you guys actually picked Auburn(DIE, FUCKOS!) and friggin BUTLER to get to the Sweet Sixteen? Oh course, I had Memphis as my semi-upset special and when they got punked by ASU, I about threw my TV threw a wall. Oh, can�t forget the LSU Choking Tigers as they hit their cold streak at the WORST POSSIBLE TIME(I had them eliminating Texas) thereby ruining my South bracket. Man, sometimes it fucking sucks to try and predict this shit, but dammit, it�s fun as hell, too.
Okay, now that I got that out of the way, allow me to squeal for joy at the great free agent off-season that the Jacksonville Jaguars are having so far. With picking up much-sought after DE Hugh Douglas(I never thought he was going to sign with the Jags), former Indy(and Gator) LB Mike Peterson, and former Texans LB Keith Mitchell, the defensive side of the ball has began looking a LOT better than last season�s shitty squad. If Tony Brackens is kept and they hopefully sign Chris Claiborne(not likely now, I think), this Jaguars squad could be a force to be reckoned with next season. I think if they go offense in the first round of the draft and maybe get Andre Johnson at #8, both sides of the ball are gonna be equally fearsome this coming year, so watch out, bitches!
Alright, all that aside, let�s get to the main reason this column exists� BASHING FLYBOY�.errrr, THE WORLD OF WRESTLING!
TSM Weekend Newsflash
Unless told otherwise, everything comes straight from The Wrestling Observer from Dave Meltzer(Damn 1popup.com for not loading after 18 tries)
Battle of the DUDS
Just to show how lame Howard Stern has become, they had Chris Jericho on the show to promote the �Battle of the Bands� contest between Howard�s shitty band and Jericho�s Fozzy. Stern played the Fozzy single �Happenstance�(which I think is the song they played live on RAW until Ric Flair destroyed the set) and claimed that the song was okay til Jericho started singing, saying he sounded �too 80�s�. Artie Lang even managed to get in a jab saying, �You wanna be a wrestler that entertains? Get Tourette�s�. Well, I guess that make Goldust the most entertaining wrestler in the WWE, eh? Jericho managed to get a non-so subtle diss claiming that he learned from his mentor, Tony Schiavone that �this would be the biggest grudge in music history.� I know Chris is probably doing this to get more exposure for the band, but come on now� everybody and their dad knows Howard�s shitty excuse for a band always wins these things. Le sigh�
Smackdown gets Crapped On
Damn, Smackdown clocked in at a 2.7 last week due to the war coverage and the NCAA Men�s Tourney, which ties the second lowest number in the show�s history. Reading over the recap of the show itself, I don�t think the number would have been that much higher because let�s face it, no one really gives a damn about Hogan/Vince, no matter how much they try and pimp that damn �match� over Brock/Angle. Seriously, why should I give a flying fuck about two 50-year old men pretending to fight? I know they did the same thing with Flair last year at the Rumble, but that was different because Flair can still bump and it was a streetfight anyway. I haven�t heard any stips for the match so far, so needless to say, this may tie HHH/Steiner for the Worst Match Of The Year. Hell, I don�t even think making it a streetfight would even save this dog from being anything worse than -**.
Kevin Kelly Gets the Boot
Yes, that awesome announcer/interviewer/Byte This! host got the axe over the weekend due to budget cuts.While I really don�t give a rat�s ass, I can say that he made me laugh pretty hard while watching Kennel In a Cell on Foley�s Hard Knocks, Cheap Pops DVD. It�s said that he has a few projects lined up, so I really don�t think he�ll miss the shithole that is the WWE.
WrestleMania PIMPAGE~!
As usual, the week before WM has an assload of WWE superstars making media appearances, so here�s the line-up for this week:
Steve Austin will be appearing on the Jimmy Kimmel show on Tuesday night.
Big Show will be on Hollywood Squares all week starting tomorrow.
Matt & Jeff Hardy will be on Best Damn Sports Show Period on Wednesday night.
Chris Jericho is on Howard Stern on Wednesday morning.
The much talked about TSN "Off the Record" shows with Shawn Michaels and Eric Bischoff air tomorrow night at 8 p.m., just prior to Raw.
There�s your media blitz for this year. Personally, I�m gonna try and catch Austin and Jericho, although I�m very interested in seeing how goofy Big Show will be on Hollywood Squares after his AWESOME Conan O�Brien spot.
THE END IS NEEEARRRR!
Yes, the unavoidable happened. Bill Goldturd is officially a member of the WWE as millions of smarks everywhere openly weep. The ONLY way this could ever be worth anything is if William Regal shoots on his ass again(for the few that don�t know, when both of them were in WCW, they had a match on Nitro where Regal, who was pissed off and drunk(?), started shooting on Goldturd and generally kicked his ass until the last minute where Bill went through the usual(with no help from Regal) to win. Regal was immediately fired after that, I think). As much as most of us really didn�t want this to happen, when Vince and Good Ol� JR set their sights on someone(a la Steiner), you just might as well sit back and bear the storm and laugh when their high-priced signees fuck up so bad that they�ll never be over ever again. Seriously, this guy isn�t worth the money it took to sign him. Bitch about �big names� all you want, but if Rock, Austin, and Hogan can�t bring up the ratings or buyrates, what makes anybody think Goldturd will?
In what rational, sane world does bringing in a guy who was only over for the better part of a year(see Nash, Kevin) going to boost the slumping WWE numbers? I know that Vince has always gone for the quickie boost and it�s worked in the past because the business itself wasn�t that bad at the time. Now, however, it�s just one more tiny bandage trying to hold a broken leg together and failing miserably. Really, like it�s been said time and time again by bigger names than myself, you got to build some new stars instead of relying on the same retarded shit to pull you out of the deepening hole. No sane business man would EVER keep doing what Vince is doing to his own company because it�s not working and you just keep on losing money regardless. It�s better to actually build up your lower priced talent to prominent positions instead of constantly relying on the faltering old guard who�ve been proven to not be draws anymore. You�re gonna have to put your trust in the young guys soon enough anyway, so work on trying to get THEM over instead of 1 month quickie failures like Hogan, Goldturd, or even Rock.
Rant over.
Damn, I haven�t bitched about something in a while and damn, did it feel good. If I come across as your typical �bitter smark�, I don�t give a shit. Signing Goldturd is one of the dumber ideas Vince has cooked up since necrophilia and it�s going to fail, too. Mark my words on it.
Pimp Section
I�m outta here, and since next week is a PPV Sunday, I won�t be checking in, but be sure to peep the WrestleMania Crossface where your favorite TSM writers will give their thoughts on all the matches.
Also: Tonight is of course Monday night, so be sure to check out RAW From JHawk�s Beak. Will there be more wrestling than lame skits(HA!)? Jared will be sure to let ya know as he whines, pisses, and moans about the latest episode of RAW. I feel for ya, homie!
Dr. Tom checks in on Thursday with his Smackdown Report(hopefully, he�ll be able to watch the entire show this time.). Maybe we won�t be subjected to more Geezer/Geezer crap leading up to the biggest show of the year, but I wouldn�t hold my breath on that.
Finally, a belated welcome to the site for our newest columnist, Stephen Gray. Hey, 411�s loss is our gain. Welcome aboard, Stephen. Hopefully, our site design won�t make you wish for the saving grace of blindness like 411� heh.
Okay, people, I�m outta here for now. If you�re gonna watch WM, hope you enjoy it, I�ll be at Hooters with a bunch of friends so I know I will.
Later, bootches!
Byron Vester
The SmartMarks.com
E-mail me at: [email protected](remember to remove the spam-killing x�s)
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