TNA
SmackDown! from JHawk's Beak (4/3/2003)
By Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
Apr 3, 2003, 22:57

SmackDown! from JHawk's Beak (4/3/2003)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

Before we begin tonight, a huge shoutout to Patrick Spoon for filling in this past Monday with his Spoon-fed Raw. But unless he knows something I don't (and if he does, then either Dr. Tom or Dames needs to e-mail me now), I'll be back on Raw Monday as usual with Dr. Tom resuming his SmackDown duties here on TSM next week. I believe Patrick will be back for Raw on April 28, as I will be covering SmackDown on May 1 for Dr. Tom. Quick programming note: There is a slim chance that Raw won't be up until Tuesday, as I have tickets to the Cleveland Indians' home opener for Monday afternoon and the latest weather report I saw was expecting showers. Barring an extended rain delay or a 19-inning classic, expect it at its usual time of approximately midnight Eastern.

Onto other things. See, there are two different schools of thought when it comes to the wrestling business. Those who think it's about the in-ring product, and those who think it's about the storylines. And I could sum up each argument with two simple quotes.

"Wrestling fans watching a wrestling program want to see wrestlers wrestle." -Jim Cornette

"People didn't care about seeing a bunch of Mexicans jump around the ring for 40 minutes." -Vince Russo

That leads me into...

E-Mail of the Week: The last time I was with you for Raw was 10 days ago, and almost immediately following the show, I received an e-mail from an anonymous reader (I don't divulge e-mail addresses):

JHawk, the one problem I've always had with you is that you extrapolate your opinions and believe that your beliefs represent the majority of wrestling fans. How many weeks in a row will say "Only x:xx of wrestling tonight", "What a load of shit!". I understand that you only watch for in-ring wrestling, but you are assuming every viewer at home and in attendance wants to see straight, no nonsense athletic competition. I don't know if you enjoyed RAW from 1998-1999 where there would be an average of 15-20 minutes of wrestling per show. My guess is that you probably were not very supportive of the WWF product in 1999. But those shows in 99 drew huge ratings and got people talking about the product. Now I know what you are going to say, "This isn't 1999 anymore, Sports Entertainment doesn't draw anymore, people want long matches loaded with transition and psychology" "People want wrestling damnit!" I question that viewpoint. People pay money to be entertained. Can people be entertained by a 20 minute technical masterpiece? Of course. Now, can people be entertained by a 25 minute promo? According to you, no way in hell. But to some, yes, they can be entertained by a 25 minute promo. Look at the crowd reaction for the Rock concert tonight. Look at the crowd the night Austin did a sing along with the Rock. Look at the crowd the night Austin did the Beverly Hillbillies promo. They were electrified. However, what about the crowd the night of Armageddon, Benoit v. Guerrero? That crowd was dead. Yes, it was a great match, but the crowd could have cared less. My point is that a long great match doesn't necessarily entertain a crowd, while a long promo doesn't automatically kill a crowd and have them rushing back to the window for refunds. Now what about Benoit v. Angle from Royal Rumble? Gets a standing ovation. What about HHH's promo introducing Evolution? No heat whatsoever. Meaning there is no definite formula for success in this business. Some people will react strongly to a promo while others to a match. You can't just go out and say, put "x:xx" of wrestling on a show and your problems are solved. More wrestling does not necessarily equate to success, financial or entertainment wise. So the WWE should do some stuff from 1999 because a lot of crowds enjoy them. They should also put on longer matches with people the crowds react consistently to. In the end, some people DO watch for the promos and the skits and yes some people watch for the wrestling. Up until 1997 when I got the Internet, I watched wrestling for the characters and the storylines. From 1986 (when I started watching) until 1997 I could have cared less about the stuff going on in the ring. I only cared about who won and lost and what feuds were going on at that time. Truth be told, I preferred talking segments like the HeartBreak Hotel and King's Court to wrestling matches. And yet I NEVER missed a show (not even when Superstars was on 2:00 AM Saturdays in my market) and maybe missed 3 or 4 PPV's during that time span. I was a DIEHARD fan who could have cared less about in-ring wrestling. So in conclusion people do care about non-wrestling segments so the WWF should still do them. For a more well rounded product they should do both wrestling and sports entertainment, not just strait competition based around athletics. More wrestling doesn't necessarily mean more people watching.

I appreciate this letter, particularly because the reader supported his or her points instead of just throwing insults at me. Usually my negative feedback consists of "ur stoopid if u don't like HHH. He rulz." So it's nice to have someone who disagrees with me actually be intelligent.

But as I told this reader, I'm not really asking for much. I attended my first live event in 1986 and have been watching wrestling on TV from pretty much the time I got out of the womb. So I remember when wrestling on free TV would consist of a bunch of squash matches and maybe one four minute "main event". Oh, and Piper's Pit, the greatest interview segment ever.

I usually say the ideal amount of wrestling time they should have on a two-hour show, bell-to-bell, is about 30-40 minutes. Let's use 35 minutes as the basic number. On Raw, you have 10 commercial breaks averaging about 3 minutes each, so on a 125-minute show, you have 95 minutes of airtime to work with. Thirty-five minutes of Raw would equal 36.4% of the show. Barely one-third. That leaves nearly double the time for extended promos, backstage bits, video packages, house ads, ring entrances, and anything else you could throw into a two-hour show. Those shows such as WWF Superstars in the mid-80s? They had 44 minutes to work with, and even with bad matches they got through 15 minutes of wrestling. Just over one-third. When we weren't supposed to think we were watching a PPV-caliber show.

I have no problem with a 20-minute promo provided it builds to something and legitimately helps to sell tickets. The recent Jericho-HBK promo worked because it made the WrestleMania match seem important. Then take "This is your Life, Rock". The highest-rated segment of Raw ever. What was the payoff? There was none. Hell, I'm still waiting for that Mankind-Rock feud that seemed pretty obvious at the time.

Bottom line: It's all about achieving the happy balance for the wrestling fan and the entertainment fan. Some people truly don't care about seeing the cruiserweights do their thing for 40 minutes. But some of us truly don't give a damn if The Rock says "I'm going to kick Austin's ass" three different ways via song in the course of three minutes either. It's the first group that gets catered to on Raw, but the second group that they'll need to buy tickets when the business bottoms out.

Luckily that isn't always the case on SmackDown! Will it be this week? We'll see.

Forums Quote of the Week: It's a shame most of the women who ARE a perfect intellectual match for you are depressed and fat as shit. People like you and I, bro...our soulmate is out there...

She just looks like a walrus. -My Eyebrow is on Fire

Cheap Plugs for the Week: First off, I have started the first ever TSM Mat Madness tournament over in our Forums. Right now, Steve Corino and Lance Storm are facing off for the right to face #1 seed Chris Benoit in the official opening round. Vote for your favorites at the above link through sometime Sunday.

Also, I know Dames has done a shitload of pimping Adam Ryland's kickass Extreme Warfare Revenge 3.0, but let me add my own pimpage to that product. This damned thing is addictive as all hell, and if I didn't have recaps and sleep to worry about I don't think I'd ever stop playing.

And vote for Stacy Keibler to win Miss Smartmarks III.

Upcoming schedule for JHawk rants: I just finished Ring of Honor's A Night of Appreciation and will put that up on Saturday. Next Thursday brings us the return of Today in Wrestling History with a doozy that some of you have probably blocked out of your memories. And there should be an interview with indy wrestler "Your Rolemodel" Ric Lieb up within the next 10 days or so. All that in addition to Raw every Monday night as normal.

Tonight: It's the first SmackDown after WrestleMania XIX, and we're sure to have the fallout. What happens to Kurt Angle from here? What's next for new WWE Champion Brock Lesnar? And even though I've avoided the spoilers, I have been informed that there is a special surprise for this evening: What former Attitude-era WWF superstar returns to WWE? All this and some wrestling matches, including Funaki and Tajiri vs. Team Angle, TONIGHT!

Segment 1

Open to the same video package that opened Raw.

On tape (4/1/2003) from the Spokane Arena in Spokane, Washington!

And let's start the show with Stephanie McBitch. She puts over everybody's effort at WrestleMania, particularly Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar. Neither of them are here due to their injuries. Kurt will be out as long as two months (which could have been a lot worse), and Brock's concussion should have him back next week. Such is the price of holding the WWE Championship. So who will be Brock Lesnar's next opponent? The SmackDown superstars will decide it in a three week tournament that starts right now.

Top Contenders Tournament Quarterfinal: The Undertaker vs. Rey Misterio Jr.

I'm normally the last guy to say size matters in wrestling, but who thinks this is a fair fight? Remember, we're talking about the casual fans here. Cole mentions how the brackets fall, which leads Tazz to respond "That's usually how tournaments work, Cole." Rey tries to stay away from Taker and work on his knees. He actually knocks Taker out of the ring, but when Taker reenters, he LEVELS Rey with one hell of a boot. Corner clothesline. An uppercut nearly flips Misterio over. Rey with a jawbreaker and some right hands, but he gets grabbed by the throat. Rey counters the choke slam into a DDT! Nice! Taker uses the ropes to pull himself up, and ends up climbing right into the 619 for 2. West Coast Pop...nope. Caught in midair, Last Ride, and Taker gets the pin in 3:24. Actually an energetic little matchup for what it was, and I thought for a split second Rey might take it. *1/2 Taker meets the winner of Eddy Guerrero vs. John Cena. Postmatch, Taker fakes like he's going to punch Rey, but he shakes his hand instead. Because Jeff Hardy's career took off so well after Taker put him over. Of course, Rey has discernable talent.

Mr. McAsshole asks a technician to let him know when Hogan shows up.

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So far so good. I'm a mark for tournaments because you almost have to plan ahead in order to make it work, and this one might not suck if smartly booked. Official prediction: Cena faces Benoit in the finals. A pretty decent match for a heavyweight vs. cruiserweight match, as Taker actually seemed motivated for a change.

Segment 2

One fall: Brian Kendrick vs. Jamie Noble (w/Nidia)

Shannon Moore and Matt Hardy v1.0 join the commentating team. This week's Matt Facts: "Matt was the only Hardy to wrestle at WrestleMania this year" (ouch) and "Matt has read his book 12 times". So that's who bought all 12 copies! Noble takes advantage with a knee early and uses roughhouse tactics. Kendrick comes back with a boot to the head and a one-leg dropkick to send Noble out of the ring, then does a triple jump plancha to the floor. Sweet move! In goes Noble, Kendrick comes off the top with a flying bodypress, 2 count. Noble gets in a snap powerslam for 2. Noble up top, but he's met with a right hand. Kendrick goes for a rana, but Noble counters into a sunset flip for 2. Damn man! Kendrick with some forearms, but Nidia pulls the rope down to send Kendrick to the outside. Noble charges, accidentally hits Nidia, and Kendrick hits the Sliced Bread #2 (as called by Michael Cole, believe it or not) for the pin at 2:33. Short but sweet. *1/2 Hardy takes Kendrick out of the picture and issues a challenge to Brock Lesnar. Champion vs. champion. Didn't Brock nearly kill him about three months ago? Hardy accuses Brock of faking the concussion. Kendrick comes in and attacks Matt and Shannon, but Matt gets the Twist of Fate in.

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They really need to give the cruiserweights more time, particularly since they've gotten over with the live crowds, but matches like this are always a good thing. A pretty nice little spotfest with a couple of moves I've never seen in a WWE ring. The biggest thing here is Matt's challenge to Brock, even though Brock beat him half to death around last year's Backlash and then again around the first of the year. When will you ever learn, Matt?

Segment 3

The FBI get a video package that looks like a Stacker 2 commercial.

We're at the Spokane Arena, but at Safeco Field on Sunday, we crowned a new WWE Champion. Here are the highlights. After the match, Brock was suffering from a concussion and looked like The Sandman around 2am Sunday morning.

Up next, A-Train vs. Benoit in a tournament match.

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Nothing to say here.

Segment 4

Piper's Pit returns next week! Keep him out of the ring (and away from murder accusations) and I'm fucking there!

Top Contenders Tournament Quarterfinal scheduled for one fall: Chris BeNOIT vs. A-Train

If they're smart, Benoit and Rhyno both win and meet in the semifinals. Benoit goes behind, but Albert elbows him down and drives some knees into the ribs. A-Train goes for an amateur move, but Benoit counters and nearly gets the Crippler Crossface in. A second Crossface works, but A-Train rolls Benoit over and goes into...what the hell was that? It was like a surfboard into a slam, but not really. That was frickin' cool! If there's a name for that, tell me! A-Train begins to focus on the previously injured neck of Chris Benoit. Hard corner whip. A-Train slow to follow up...and he goes into a reverse chinlock. *sigh* This was going so well too. Benoit elbows out of it, but A-Train sends him over the top rope. Albert goes for a choke lift, Benoit tries to counter into a sunset flip, but A-Train turns it into the Decapitator. Benoit comes back with shoulderblocks and starts chopping away. One knee stops the comeback. Benoit avoids the charge, and into the Rolling Germans. Why does nobody ever bridge off the last one of those anymore? Benoit up top...Swan Dive Headbutt! Cover, but A-Train gets the foot on the rope. So Benoit hooks the leg and gets another 2. Benoit runs into a bicycle kick. A-Train goes for the Derailer, but it's countered into the Crippler Crossface. A-Train gets to his feet, so Benoit uses the top rope as a springboard to take him back down into it, and A-Train taps at 6:56. Much better than expected from an A-Train match. *1/2

Vince is on his cell phone, when in walks Stephanie. What's he doing here? Vince says he's going to do something in the ring with Hogan that he should have done a long time ago. Steph hopes he doesn't do anything he'll regret.

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Either A-Train's getting better, or Benoit is one of the best at carrying an opponent. But A-Train continues to add to his moveset every week and is starting to come off as more than just another big man. And for a change, they actually had someone adjust when the finisher wasn't working, as Benoit had to find new ways to lock it in before he finally got the tapout. That was some good stuff there.

Segment 5

Sean O'Haire says we're not criminals, because laws are merely suggestions. That might be pushing it.

Torrie Wilson is looking zesty for her Playboy coming out party.

Top Contenders Tournament Quarterfinal scheduled for one fall: John Cena vs. Eddy Guerrero

No freestyle for Cena this week. Must be running long. Winner to face The Undertaker next week. Cena jumps Eddy before the bell. Lots of kicking and choking. Delayed vertical suplex for 2. Eddy with some elbows before Cena locks in a bearhug. But John, you weigh less than 280, ho do you expect that to work? Cena releases, but only after ramming Eddy's back into the corner. Another suplex for 2. Into a reverse chinlock. And back into the bearhug. Eddy with some headbutts, and he drop toeholds Cena into the turnbuckle. Series of hard right hands, and a flying forearm. Series of clotheslines. Rolling vertical suplexes for 2. Eddy favors his back and heads to the top rope. Missile dropkick for 2. Facerake by Cena, followed by an electric chair. Cena reaches for his chain, but Eddy hits a dropkick. Eddy grabs Cena's chain, referee Mike Sparks takes it from him, and Eddy avoids Cena's sneak attack to get the back suplex. Up top...Cena moves, but Eddy rolls through and gets in a rana. Cena catches Eddy...into a Death Valley Driver for the pin at 4:52. This wasn't bad but seemed rather flat. * Where was the cheating from Eddy? Maybe that's why some people are getting the gimmck.

A limo pulls in backstage, and of course it's Hulk Still Sucks (w/Jimmy Hart and his son Nicholas).

Limp Bizkit gets its own WrestleMania replay? For those who care, their CD comes out in June.

And here comes Torrie for her coming out party. Unless she's admitting to being a lesbian, I don't expect much here. She seems surprised that so many people want to see her naked, but she asks if she the crowd wants a free preview...and out comes Sable????? WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? If Joanie Laurer shows up tonight, this recap will be over, because that's just too much silicone for one segment. Sable is sorry to interrupt, but she's having her own coming out party. Because she's back in WWE. Didn't you leave because of angles like this? She gives a grind to the men who are desperate. But Torrie wants to be Sable, since Sable was the first one to do the Playboy cover thing. People don't think there's enough room for both of them (so send Sable back to Obscurity ASAP)...and Sable kisses Torrie? Um...

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So we have just proven conclusively that Rena Mero is a hypocritical bitch. For those of you who are unaware, Sable left the then-WWF and filed a lawsuit because she didn't like being treated like a sex object and allegedly refused to do a lesbian angle. All this after wearing nothing above the waist but body paint on a live pay-per-view. So she returns to WWE four years later just to be treated like a sex object and do a lesbian angle? Money truly is the root of all evil. The worse part is that there's no real payoff. If the payoff ends up being in the ring, then it's a match that's guaranteed to suck because Sable was never that good when she was getting the push from hell. Well, at least it's a step up from an uncredited appearance in a Cledus T. Judd video. No offense to Cledus T. Judd.

Segment 6

Miss the kiss? Here you go?

One fall for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Team Angle (champions) vs.

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What the hell? Why not take the break before the Sable reemergence?

Segment 7

One fall for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Team Angle (champions) vs. "SmackDown's #1 Announcer" Funaki and Tajiri

Team Angle attacks before the bell to continue the running theme for the evening. Benjamin and Funaki officially start. Tajiri gets a shot to the ass in. The challengers do some jumping jacks to taunt the champions and begin double teaming Benjamin. The champions finally get the advantage with some double teaming, but Haas decides he wants Tajiri. Haas works him over until Tajiri gets a spinning leg lariat for 2. Series of chops. Side kick for Benjamin, and one for Haas, and Benjamin grabs the foot to prevent the Kick to the Head. Haas in control, and over goes Tajiri thanks to a belly-to-belly. Tag to Benjamin, and he springboards over Haas onto Tajiri's back and covers for 2. Into the chinlock. Benjamin then goes into the Boston crab. Funaki comes in from behind to make the save. Tag to Haas, but Tajiri gets them both with the handspring elbow. Hot tag to Funaki, who cleans house. Flying bodypress, and Benjamin barely makes the save. Tajiri with the Tarantula to Benjamin as Funaki goes for the tornado DDT, but Benjamin clips the knee, and Haas locks in the Haas of Pain for the submission in 5:09. Good match, and let's see more of Funaki and Tajiri. **1/4

The FBI are backstage, and Nunzio wants a talk with The Undertaker.

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A pretty solid little matchup here, as the challengers got to look good while the champions got to stay strong. I know people are more sold on Benjamin than Haas right now, but those two guys as a team can do some amazing things. Good solid match as is the norm for SmackDown.

Segment 8

Josh Matthews finds John Cena to talk about his match with the Undertaker. He raps to say he's going to win. No transcript because he's talking too fast, but I love the sexual innuendo.

The FBI come to The Undertaker for a little sitdown. Taker: "None of youse guys is wearing a wire, right?" Nunzio says he attacked Nathan Jones prior to WrestleMania because Jones punked out Chuck Palumbo last week on SmackDown! Taker agrees that everyone should be held accountable for their actions, but by doing it at WrestleMania, they messed with him. Nunzio claims they had no choice, and in comes Nathan Jones. Nunzio says they'll deal with their problem when they feel the time is right.

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I'll wait to see exactly where they're going with this before jumping to any conclusions, but I have to admit that this was a pretty good segment in the sense that I'm curious as to where they're going with it. And that, my friends, is what these backstage segments are supposed to do.

Segment 9

Top Contenders Tournament Quarterfinal scheduled for one fall: The Too Damn Big Show vs. The Man Beast Rhyno

Winner faces Benoit next week, and please let it be Rhyno. Rhyno looks like Sky Low Low next to this guy. Show immediately backs Rhyno into the corner and chops away at him. And he walks on Rhyno's back. Rhyno tries to fight back, but Show brings him down with a knee. And what a shot! Ouch! Boot choke. And a headbutt. High Beell throw to send Rhyno across the ring. Another "boot choke" which is merely Show standing on the rope nowhere near Rhyno's body. Rhyno tries to fight back, but Show gets a side slam for 2. Into the turnbuckle goes Rhyno. Show literally rips the turnbuckle pad off, but Rhyno starts punching back. Show stops it with a headbutt and gets in another Beell throw. Charge, Rhyno avoids it, Show hits the exposed buckle, and Rhyno Gores him in the corner. Out comes A-Train, down he goes, there's another Gore. Rhyno slow to cover, and in comes A-Train to work him over. Bicycle kick, and that finally causes the DQ at 4:15. Eh. DUD A-Train tells Show to "snap his neck", and Show drops the Hogan legdrop onto Rhyno's surgically repaired neck.

Next week: Undertaker vs. Cena and Benoit vs. Rhyno.

Mr. McMahon is walking, and apparently out to the ring.

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It's pretty obivous we're building up to Chris Benoit and Rhyno against The Big Show and A-Train for Backlash, but that could pose a problem. What happens if they cause a no contest next week? Does the Taker-Cena automatically move on? Or will they wait until after that match to jump them? Or has anybody even thought that far ahead yet. The match? Not good. Not good at all. But short, thank God. But what was the delay in calling for the DQ?

Segment 10

Vince McMahon is on his way to the ring! Vince wants everyone's attention because they might be surprised. The whole world knows Hogan beat McMahon at WrestleMania. And Vince admits he misjudged Hulk Hogan and underestimated the power of Hulkamania. Vince wants to set the record straight, so he wants to call Hogan out to the ring. And he wants to apologize to Hogan. What's the catch? Here comes Hogan, and you have to give him credit for being a legend whether you like his workrate or not, because this crowd is popping HUGE for him. When the crowd finally dies down, Hogan's listening to Vince. You don't know how difficult it is for someone for Vince to accept defeat. But Vince is a realist. Hogan beat the hell out of him. He doesn't like it, but he accepts it. And he wants to put it behind him. The crowd's not buying it. But Vince wants to turn the clock back 20 years. And if Hogan can forgive him, maybe they can be friends again. *sniffle* Vince extends a hand, but nothing doing from Hogan. Vince goes to walk away, but Hogan stops him. If Vince is serious, Hogan will extend the hand. There's the handshake and the playing of "Voodoo Child". Hmm... Vince is actually leaving? Hold up! Hogan cuts the music and stops Vince...to thank him. Cue the music again. I like the song, but that's three times in the course of five minutes. And now Vince stops the music. Ah, here we go! Vince thanks Hogan and the Hulkamaniacs for the memories..."because you're looking at that man in a wrestling ring for the very last time." He's killed Hulkamania, and Hogan doesn't even know it! Because Vince McMahon never loses. Because Vince is going to honor his contract by paying Hogan to stay at home. Holy shit, WWE really is turning into WCW. Hulkamania will rot with Hogan sitting at home. And when his contract is finally up, Hulkamania will have died a slow death of leprosy. Well, I'm sure Jesus will take care of that. And if Hogan doesn't like it, Vince will be in the parking lot. It's a trap, Hulk! But he stupidly heads outside anyway. He's sure taking his time walking into his trap, isn't he? Hogan comes forward...and cops interrupt...just as we hear Hogan's son from inside the limo! Vince allows Hogan to get into the limo quietly. Even Jimmy Hart wants him to just enter the car. Hogan does, and Vince kicks the limo until it drives off. "I never lose, Hogan. I never lose."

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Well, if you remember back to the WrestleMania predictions Crossface, I said Hogan would win and retire anyway. This isn't officially a retirement, but as close as you're going to get and still leave Hogan with some sort of tasteful sendoff. Although having his son tell him to get into the car might have been pushing it a little bit. We all know Hogan wil be back eventually. But didn't wwe.com say we'd get the explanation of Piper's interference? I don't need one, but some people might, and it seems odds to advertise it if he's not on the show.

Overall, this was a pretty good show. None of the matches sucked except Rhyno vs. Big Show, and for the most part the non-wrestling segments all had a logical reason for being there. My only real complaint is with the return of Sable. If they wanted to bring Marc Mero back, that's fine if his knees are healthy. Bringing in Sable? She can't wrestle, she can't cut a promo, I never did think she was all that special in the looks department, and if she could act worth a damn, then maybe that TV show of hers might have lasted longer than pre-production. But on the very positive side, they actually showed some planning, as we already have three matches set for next week.

Tournament semifinal: The Undertaker vs. John Cena
Tournament semifinal: Chris Benoit vs. Rhyno
Champion vs. champion: Matt Hardy vs. Brock Lesnar

A pretty solid thumbs up, but that's usually the norm from this show.

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