The Dames' Diatribe on NWA:TNA Week Two

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The Dames' Diatribe on NWA:TNA Week Two
By Damian Gonzalez
Jun 27, 2002, 01:56

NWA: TNA Week Two

Oh, the things I do for you people. I just finished taking two trains and a bus on what quite possibly may be the most humid day EVER. You know, with all of the money the government is spending on preventing bio-terrorism on the subways, the least they could do is install some damned air conditioning! It�s at LEAST 100 degrees down there. But I digress...

During my news report last week, I stated that due to the pure ineptitude of Cablevision, my cable provider (or warehouse of sorts), I wouldn�t be able to review the NWA:TNA weekly like I wanted to. JHawk, our Raw reporter, covered you guys last week with all of the details on their first show. If you need to catch up on it first, click here. Anyway, turns out that a friend of mine wanted to check out the first show and I went over to his place to check it out. He was so pleased with the product that he planned on ordering it again this week. Suazo rules. Once again, I went over there, hence...here is your recap of NWA: Total Nonstop Action: Week Two!

The PPV starts out with a recap of last week�s main event angles, including the opening segment & the battle royal�s finish. After 3 minutes of recaps *Yawn*, we can finally start the damn show.

�The Professor� Mike Tenay, Ed Ferrera and Don West are STILL your hosts for the evening and they should be seeing as how this was taped last week.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Scott Hall w/Toby Keith

Isn�t it ironic that Jeff Jarrett would be feuding with a Country Music star???

Match Background: Last week, Jeff Jarrett complained to the NWA Committee about the fact that the World title would be decided in a battle royal. His tone wasn�t appreciated by the committee, especially Jackie Fargo, who then made The Chosen One the first entrant in the �Gauntlet for the Gold�. Later on that night, Jeff Jarrett then interrupted Country music star Toby Keith during his live performance to an array of boos, claiming the crowd didn�t come to hear Keith, but came to see him go on to win the NWA World title. Keith had to be restrained by security, and although he�s not a wrestler, he got his revenge later. He went into the battle royal, suplexed Double J (quite nicely I might add) and threw him out of the ring with Scott Hall�s help, eliminating his chance at becoming the champ. After the battle royal was over, Jeff once again complained to the committee, eventually striking a few members and going after Jackie Fargo. Fargo then made the match this week, Hall vs. Jarrett with Keith in Hall�s corner.

This isn�t the first time these two have met. They briefly feuded over the WWF�s Intercontinental Title (back when it meant something) and Jarrett�s first & I believe second reign as champ came from victories over Scott Hall, with the most memorable one taking place at Royal Rumble �95.

The Match: Some psychological games between the two to start. Hall with the toothpick toss and Jarrett with some slaps to the back of the head after Hall was taken down to the mat. Hall recovers and gets his fallaway slam early on, using 33% of his offense already. Jarrett goes to the outside, but there�s Toby Keith and Jeff doesn�t have a chance to get a breather. Back in the ring, Jeff gets a cheap shot in and has some time to strut, but doesn�t. Considering its the Fargo strut he�s been using all these years, now would be the time to do it, no? Hall tries to come back with some punches, but Jeff catches him with a sleeper. Man, Hall is just standing still and not even trying to sell it. Don West then accentuates the point by saying �Jeff�s not doing anything to him, Wrestle him!!� Who�s decision was it to hire this guy again? The sleeper is reversed by Hall into one of his own, but he gets a belly to back suplex for his trouble. Both guys are struggling to get up but Hall gets the �Punch, Punch, Punch, Discus Punch� combo and he�s only got one move left! He clotheslines Jarrett a few times and then sets him up for The Razors Edge, now simply known as �The Edge�. With Jarrett near the ropes, K-Krush (formerly K-Kwik) runs down and saves Jarrett from The Edge for some reason never explained. Jackie Fargo runs down and after staring at each other for what seemed to be three seconds and forgetting the spot, Fargo punches Krush and the ref goes to stop all the commotion. Meanwhile, Jarrett is back in the ring with Hall and has him set up for The Stroke but Toby Keith comes in and gives Jarrett a low blow. Hall and Keith give Jarrett a face plant at the same time, right in front of the referee, yet he still counts to three with Keith in the ring. Your winner: Scott Hall

My opinion: Everyone has been critical about Jeff Jarrett�s in ring involvement ever since it was announced that his family was running the promotion and it seems they booked him in a way so that people can�t say he�s benefiting off of nepotism. Instead, what they�re doing is killing the heat of their top heel by jobbing him out two shows in a row to a country music star. As for the match, it started out alright, but broke down into a disjointed mess. With the unexplained Krush run-in, the botched Fargo save and the fact that the ref saw all of Keith�s interference, it seemed as if the match was No DQ, although that was never stated. Keith�s offense didn�t look nearly as good as it did last week and it made Jarrett look even worse considering. If I had to rate the match, I�d say *1/2.

We then go to a brief recap of last week�s Lingerie battle royal angle with Francine and Elektra�s catfight.

Second Match: Cheex w/Brown Eyed Girl vs. Frank Parker.

Um...who??

Match Background: I�ve never heard of these guys and trust me, you wouldn�t want to.

The Match: Cheex is a HUGE OBESE MAN billed at 400 pounds (on the moon maybe) and Frank Parker looks like your perennial jobber with a goatee. Cheex tries to dance in the aisle way with his valet, but its a surprise that the guy can move, seriously. One Cheex takes off his dancing attire, you�ll want him to put it back on. Picture Mabel in trunks and a tank top only. Ok, make him bigger, that�s Cheex. I�m quite throughly disgusted at this point. Poor Frank Parker tries to clothesline the man that makes Rikishi look small in comparison, but he no-sells it, of course. Cheex with some really weak looking offense leads Parker to fall into the corner. It looks like Cheex will do a StinkFace, but instead goes for a running ass strike in the corner. It�s pretty much Mick Foley�s running knee to the face, just with an ass. Parker gets some jobber offense, goes for a sunset flip and oohh, do I feel sorry for him. Cheex just sits down, but doesn�t let the ref end it there, as he �bounces� off the ropes and hits the weakest jumping splash I�ve ever seen for the pin. Winner: Cheex

My opinion: At least they kept it short. This was without a doubt one of the worst matches I�ve EVER seen and if I ever see a still photo of Cheex, it will be too soon. A better comparison would be to say that Cheex looked much worse than William �The Refrigerator� Perry did in Celebrity Boxing 2. I�m done wasting my words on this. I�m giving this: -***. Hey, it could have been worse...Cheex could have done a StinkFace.

On a side note, Alicia (Ryan Shamrock) collected some money from ring announcer Jeremy Borash just like she did with referee Slick Johnson last week. Still no clue on where this angle is going.

Tenay then announces that the committee made the following match for next week due to the action of K-Krush earlier. Scott Hall & Brian Christopher vs. K-Krush & Jeff Jarrett. More on that later.

Recap of Krush/Nascar drivers promo last week. I�m not too comfortable with these guys playing up the race card, especially in the south, but hey, its drawing some massive heat on K-Krush.

K-Krush vs. Brian Christopher w/ Hermie Sadler & Sterling Martin.

Only in the south would these guys draw a pop...

Match Background: Last week, Hermie Sadler & Sterling Martin, two accomplished NASCAR racers were being interviewed when K-Krush interrupted them and ran down their sport as being unathletic. He claimed that �his kind� were athletes. When originally mentioned, it was implied that he meant wrestlers...then he goes into �My kind...we throw touchdowns, we shoot hoops, we drop elbows. Your kind just run around in a circle making a left turn all day�. This is just drawing some massive heel heat on Krush�s end and showing quite a bit of charisma as well. Hermie Sadler, the smaller, shorter driver of the two then gets into Krush�s face, getting a babyface pop. About to whip some NASCAR ass, Krush gets ready to get physical when the former Grandmaster Sexay, Brian Christopher comes in and saves the two drivers and makes a challenge for tonight.

The Match: K-Krush comes down to ringside to some mild heat. Since both last week�s show and this week�s were taped at the same time, the crowd was really starting to dwindle and tire at this point. Brian Christopher comes down to the ring with the two drivers, dancing like he used to in WWE. While posing for the crowd, Krush attacks from behind to start the match. He gets some punches in the corner and goes for a clothesline but misses and Christopher gets a hangmans neckbreaker. He gets a running bulldog out of the corner and DAMN, K-Krush sells well. He goes for the spot again, but this time, Krush pushes Christopher into the turnbuckle. He takes over with a nice vertical suplex and gets a two count. The former Grandmaster comes back with a clothesline but this time he misses as Krush does a nice split to avoid it and comes up with a leg lariat. We hit the chinlock for a little while....until Christopher starts hulking up!? Krush with an irish whip and a few ducks and leapfrogs later gets hit with a nice enziguiri. Christopher hits him with a Stunner (called a Stunner by Mike Tenay) and Krush sells it this side of Scott Hall at WMX8. Christopher goes for the 10 punch in the corner, but gets an atomic drop instead. As Krush climbs through the middle ropes to get to the top, Sadler & Martin crotch Krush and shake the rope some more in the most contrived spot I�ve seen in a long time. This allows Christopher to get the Hip Hop Drop (top rope legdrop) for the pin. Your winner: Brian Christopher

My opinion: I really don�t see the point of Christopher going over in this match. Krush was drawing tons of heat with his promo�s and since the NASCAR guys seem to only be there for a one shot deal, why kill his heat instead of adding to it? Speaking of that, both Hall & Christopher went over in their respective matches so now the tag match that was made really makes zero sense. Usually, tag matches result in two sides branching off and feuding, not the other way around. What�s the point of even having a tag match if both the babyfaces have already beaten the heels in one-on-one matches this week? You talk about booking backwards, this is the prime example. As for the match: Due to the inept booking & bad interference, I�m giving this match a generous **1/4.

These TNA girls are really making me want to....uh...nevermind.

If they weren�t enough, now comes the Lingerie Battle Royal.

Match Background: 10 women are vying for the title of Miss TNA and a contract with the company. The participants last week were introduced to the crowd when ECW�s Queen of Extreme, Francine went into a tirade about how superior she is to the others. Elektra, also of ECW and of the Sopranos, responded by saying that this is a new company and she isn�t the Queen of anything anymore. That, naturally, started a catfight between the two.

The Match: To win the match, you must keep your clothes on (they�re all wearing bedtime PJ�s actually). This starts off on the wrong foot as Jeremy Borash announces the wrong girls coming down the aisle each time until he just gives up a third of the way. For some reason, only 9 girls are in the battle royal to begin with. The bell rings and all hell breaks loose and I....just.....can�t concentrate on the report right now. Oh, Francine ends up being the target of 4 pissed off women who strip her and eliminate her. They weren�t very gentle as she popped out of her lingerie (more like dental floss) and spent the majority of the time trying not to expose herself than cooperating with the ladies. While the rest of the match is going on in the ring, Francine falls to her knees and starts crying in the aisle because of her loss. Ed Ferrera gets up from the announce table to �console� her and cops a BIG TIME feel. I�m talking full palm on breast. Francine turns around slowly, looks at Ferrera and gets down on her knees. I swear, I�m not making this up. She takes off his belt and Ed looks like he�s ready for some oral pleasure in front of 5,000 people, but instead Francine starts whipping Ed for his unwanted groping. Why he would fall for that is just beyond me. Meanwhile, in the ring, Taylor Vaughn (some girl I�ve never heard of) strips Elektra for the win. Francine comes back in, whips Taylor with Ed�s belt, then strips her as Ed goes back to the announce table to explain himself. The ref gets Taylor out of harm�s way, who immediately no-sells the belt shots the second she hits the floor. Your winner: Taylor Vaughn

My opinion: Well, lets face it, there was NO ONE who wanted to see this match in a traditional wrestling sense. This was nothing more than a T&A fest, and there�s usually nothing wrong with that. However, I just don�t understand what the point is of having two women cut promo�s last week and have none of them winning the �contract�. Does anyone know who Taylor Vaughn is? That�s not even my main gripe. I don�t like my intelligence insulted and when Francine got down on her knees, there couldn�t have been one person watching that thinking that she was actually going to do anything (in front of a full crowd) besides hit him. How Ed Ferrera wouldn�t see that coming is just redonkulous. DUD.

Backstage, Goldilocks is interviewing Puerto Rican wrestler Gran Apolo who barely gets any words in before Bobcat interrupts. Bobcat is known on the indy scene and she was also the Godfather�s Ho who won the Hardcore title. She gets in Goldilocks face for some reason and they cut the interview.

Gran Apolo vs. David Young

Match Background: Other than the backstage segment just covered, there is none.

The Match: Bobcat runs around at ringside as the two men start out. Apolo no sells David Young�s shoulder tackles and gets a double underhook overhead belly to belly suplex. Some hard chops by Apolo and a few corner clotheslines, but misses a shoulder charge and Young takes over with two stiff kicks to the upper body. Meanwhile, Bobcat is flirting with Jeremy Borash at ringside. Young with a standing enziguiri to a kneeling Apolo. Young gets distracted by Bobcat�s antics and gets a Tornado DDT for his troubles. Young comes back with a spinebuster, which Tenay tells the audience is his finish, yet he goes to the top, with his back facing the ring. Once again distracted by Bobcat�s flirting, Young takes too much time to hit his moonsault, misses and gets hit in the chest with an Apolo Superkick. Apolo picks up Young and gives him a DDP-like firemans carry into a Diamond Cutter for the win. Your winner: Gran Apolo.

Afterwards, Bobcat comes into the ring and is just really happy, regardless of the fact that her man lost.

My opinion: The match was decent as Apolo has breakout babyface potential in NWA:TNA. Although a good portion of the match consisted of Young being distracted by Bobcat, the match itself was fine, just nothing special. **1/2

Back in the ring, Joel Gertner (TONS slimmer than in his ECW days) goes on a PG-13 poem about his heterosexuality, to insist that he�s not gay, just the team he manages.

The Rainbow Express vs. The Dupps.

The Dupps (w/ Fluff Dupp) refuse to wrestle the �alternative lifestyle� boys, so the NWA Commissioner plead Chris Harris & James Storm to take the Dupps� place in the match. The guys accept.

The Rainbow Express vs. Chris Harris & James Storm

Match Background: Just the segment before it.

The Match. The Rainbow Express are Lenny and Bruce (Kwee Wee, Alan Funk), who is subbing for an injured Lodi. Very standard tag match, the only notable points were that The Rainbow Express tag in and out by kissing each others hands. Don West has probably never seen a homosexual in his life because he just started going off about how wrong these two guys were and was openly cheering the other �straight� guys. Jesus, if he�s not careful, this could be a PR nightmare. Of all the times he had to open his stupid mouth. Tenay is trying to save face by calling the Rainbox Express �dangerous� and not to judge a book by its cover. He also tries to build them up by calling them �too controversial for WCW�. Lenny with some very effeminate pinfall attempts on Storm and even puts on the original LionTamer, which Tenay calls the �TigerTamer�. Wow, Lenny looked so much like �98 Jericho there, its not even funny. The Rainbows get rolled up for the win. Your winners: Chris Harris and James Storm

My opinion: The match was just there, but the real story was Don West�s commentary. For someone who is obviously not a wrestling fan and is just there because of his prior announcing experience, he should know when to open his mouth and when not to. Considering the fact that GLAAD came down on WCW for their fans chants, imagine what would happen if he were to blurt out some stupid remark about homosexuals that would offend just about everyone. I�ll have to give credit where credit is due, Tenay and even Ferrera helped reign West in, but if I were the booker, I�d definitely get rid of the guy as he doesn�t add anything to the broadcast whatsoever. The match was just there...*

Next up: Ricky �The Dragon� Steamboat, in full ref gear, introduces the NWA World Champion: Ken Shamrock. Ken talks about the honor it is about being the NWA champ when Minister James Mitchell (Sinister Minister of ECW fame & James Vanderburgh in WCW) interrupts him. He challenges Ken to a match next week with one of his disciples. At this point, Don West is screaming �Malice!! Malice!!�. Man, will someone mute him! Mitchell then says he�ll face Slash next week and before Shamrock gets a chance to reply, Malice comes from behind and chokeslams him. Don West is just going �I told you so! I knew it was Malice!� Can someone shoot him please? Anyway, Malice continues to choke the life out of Shamrock and it takes tons of security guys to restrain him, so next week, Ken defends against Malice.

Recap of the AMAZING 6-man tag opener from last week with Jerry Lynn, AJ Styles & Low-Ki vs. The Flying Elvises.

Round Robin Tournament for the �X� Title. AJ Styles vs. Jerry Lynn vs. Psicosis vs. Low-Ki.

Now THIS is what I�ve been waiting for all night...

Match Background: Three out of the four participants teamed up last week and lost to the Flying Elvises, due to Low-Ki�s inadvertent kick to AJ Styles. AJ Styles defeated Jerry Lynn for the WWA Cruiserweight title in a tournament final approximately two months ago. Psicosis is just there.

The Match: The rules are as follows. Two men start, they have a match. After the first pinfall, the second guy comes in and they wrestle. In order to be eliminated, the competitor must be defeated twice, so its double elimination! Just a note: This match is QUITE fast, so I�m going to try and recap as much as possible. Psicosis & AJ Styles start out. Psicosis gets a reverse powerbomb on AJ. In the corner, he gets some chops in as well before getting a Styles Superkick. Irish whip sequence which ends in a spinning wheel kick by Psicosis. He goes to the top and hits his Guillotine Legdrop!!! Styles kicks out! Styles gets the Styles Clash (picture a guy in Ganso bomb getting flapjacked) for the pin! Psicosis has one loss against him. Low-Ki now in the ring, my personal favorite. He immediately goes for his three kick combo but AJ gets a rana before he gets the third kick off. Enziguiri by Low-Ki. He places Styles on the top rope with his back facing the ring. He goes up top and puts him in the Dragon Clutch (Cobra Clutch with a Dragon Sleeper) off the top, but both guys slip off....amazingly, they land in the ring in the exact same position they would be in if �Ki did it on the mat. Styles is hanging between the ropes and �Ki BLASTS him with a STIFF KICK TO THE THROAT. He goes for the Phoenix Splash, but lands on his feet when Styles moves. He turns around and gets a STIFF ass clothesline by Styles. AJ hits his rolling German suplexes into facebuster combo for the pin! Low-Ki has one loss against him now. Lynn enters the ring and puts AJ in the Cradle Piledriver immediately for the pin. AJ has one loss against him now. While Lynn is celebrating, Psicosis comes off the top with a dropkick to the back of Lynn. Irish whip sequence sees Lynn taker Psi over with a tilt a whirl headscissors. Psi does the same and Lynn falls to the outside. Psicosis hits a big tope on Lynn! He shoves Lynn back in and hits a spinning wheel kick on Lynn. Psicosis goes off the top again, but gets a dropkick to the midsection. Lynn with a Cradle Piledriver and Psicosis is ELIMINATED!

Low-Ki comes back in and immediately unloads with stiff kicks and chops. He hits a quick Muta elbowdrop. Lynn takes over and heads to the top. Low-Ki with a Tidal Crush (somersault)kick to Lynn on the top rope. Low-Ki hurancanrana�s Lynn off the top but Lynn rolls through for a close near fall. Enziguiri by Lynn followed by a Guillotine Legdrop. Lynn goes for the Cradle Piledriver but its blocked by Low-Ki with a hanging armbreaker!!!! The only move that resembles what he did is �Six Second Magic� in WWF No Mercy! Lynn counters it by using his strength to powerbomb �Ki. Low-Ki recovers with a stiff kick and goes for �Ki Krusher �99 (Fisherman�s Michinoku Driver) but Lynn reverses that into a DDT. A Cradle Piledriver later and Low-Ki is ELIMINATED!

Its Lynn vs Styles!!! Lynn needs just one win to become the champ, yet hasn�t lost one match yet! AJ immediately tries to even the score with the Styles Clash but its countered into a hurancanrana! Lynn scores with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. AJ back in control and hits a springboard twisting splash for two! AWESOME Tornado DDT by Lynn for two! AJ�s Suplex-Neckbreaker (vertical suplex into a hangmans neckbreaker) for two! Lynn goes for the Cradle Piledriver, but its reversed into the Styles Clash and AJ ties it back up!!! Next fall decides the title! Ricky F�n Steamboat is now the ref!

Typical Lynn near-fall sequence. Double clothesline. Dropkick by AJ to Lynn who falls to the outside. AJ follows him out but gets irish whipped into the guard rail. Now in the aisle, AJ gets away from Lynn and hits a Quebrada into a reverse DDT on the outside! (Asia Moonsault but lands with your opponent in a reverse DDT position). Styles goes the move again on the inside but Lynn counters it with a reverse suplex and hands AJ on the top rope. DDT by Lynn while Styles is hanging there...Lynn puts Styles in a powerbomb position,but flips him and catches him in a face buster on the way down for TWO!!!! AJ gets a Death Valley Driver onto his KNEE for TWO! My GOD! Lynn gets a spinning brainbuster on AJ for TWO! What the hell do you have to do beat the other guy! DAMN! Lynn gets a sleeper......oh man, they deserve that resthold. I needed that resthold. Jawbreaker by Styles to end that. AJ to the top but gets crotched. Superplex by Lynn for TWO! Lynn sets him up for another one, gets knocked down and AJ hits the Spiral Tap (Twisting 450 Legdrop) for the THREE COUNT! AJ Styles is your new �X� Champion after 27 minutes of action!!!
Pyro hits as Steamboat hands him the title. Show over...

My opinion: WWE should pay attention. THAT is how cruiserweights are used, dammit! The match told a story, had tons of high spots, the guys got over with them and it woke the dwindled crowd up. The match lacked a little psychology, and they blew a few spots, but DAMN, other than that, this match is ****1/2!!!

My friend told me that this match was worth the 10 bucks alone that he spent to order the PPV. Now THAT is a statement. FIND THIS MATCH. I don�t even know what else to say, because I�m so spent right now....wow.

My opinion on the show as a whole: Well, damn. The first hour blew chunks (& thanks to Cheex, I almost did). The second hour, which consisted of the Shamrock angle and the Cruiser title match made it worth the 10 bucks alone in my opinion. I haven�t seen a better cruiser match on TV since WCW went out of business. If they push this division right, it may be their meal ticket.

As for the rest, they really need to figure out where things are going. Next week, they are holding a tag title tourney in one night, but none of the tag teams really stand out. It�s probably the weakest division that they have right now and with teams like The Johnsons & The Dupps, things aren�t going to get better unless they shake some things up.

As for the singles, their booking confuses me. They bury their top heel, they kill off the great heel heat off of someone who was drawing heat well, and they are relying too much on celebrities.

Overall, the PPV as a whole was pretty bad until that match at the end saved it, so I�d say you should skip it, but find a copy of that match dammit!

Til next week,

The Dames, Damian Gonzalez

Any hate mail, love mail, comments, thoughts, marriage proposals, Undertaker Wrestlemania 13 plaque sightings, please e-mail me here: [email protected]