by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

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From JHawk's Beak: NWA-Total Nonstop Action (6/19/2002)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

Well, don't that beat all? So we finally get some sort of alternative to WWE programming, and I figure since I'll be in Columbus and therefore won't be ordering King of the Ring anyway, I might as well spend ten bucks and give the first show a chance. Well, at 7:59, my cable box says "Your purchase will start in one minute, please hit select to view." So I hit select, there's the upcoming PPV offerings from Time Warner, we fade to black at exactly 8pm...and we stay black. And we stay black. And we still stay black. So I finally get hold of the cable company at about 8:15, and although the woman seems totally confused as to why I've been staring a black screen for 15 minutes, she takes care of it pretty quickly. Luckily, I didn't miss any of the actual wrestling, and I got $3.95 of my $9.95 credited to my account, so I'm not going to argue too much. So this review does include all of the actual matches but not the filler that opened the show.

What we've missed so far: Apparently, for a reason that was never actually explained once I got my feed taken care of, "NWA representative" Jackie Fargo is forcing Jeff Jarrett to enter the Gauntlet for the Gold at number 1. So Fargo is going to be in the Vince McMahon role even though Jarrett is a heel? Interesting. Also, the evening kicked off with a tribute to the NWA's legends. Dory Funk Jr. Harley Race. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat. How the hell did Bob Armstrong get classified as a legend? Oh, the show's in Alabama. Got it.

Onto the show: We are live from the Von Braun Civic Center in Huntsville, Alabama, and your hosts are Mike Tenay, "Oklahoma" Ed Ferrara, and infomercial guru Don West. Just the sound of West's voice is enough to make a sane man reach for the mute button, but we'll hold off for now. Jeremy Borash is serving as your ring announcer tonight.

Opening Six Man Tag Team Match: Jerry Lynn, A.J. Styles, and Low-Ki vs. The Flying Elvises

They didn't appear in Honeymoon in Vegas (that I know of), but Sonny Siaki, Jorge Estrada, and Jimmy Yang are in full Elvis regalia and ready to compete. The Elvises jump their opponents before the bell, and this quickly turns into high flying spots galore. Styles powerslams Yang but doesn't really cover very well. Lynn's team will be rivals next week, as those three will join Psicosis in a round robin tournament for the X Title. Lynn in with Yang, and Yang avoids the tornado DDT. Walking over Lynn to moonsault away from him while in the corner, and there is way too much action to call as I don't even understand what the hell I just said. Modified bulldog on Siaki for 2. Low-Ki in now, and Siaki hits him with a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Whip into the corner, and Low-Ki busts out the martial arts. Siaki quickly back in control, and he uses an over-the-shoulder backbreaker drop for 2. Estrada in, and he takes Low-Ki down with a running reverse neckbreaker. Low-Ki finally hits a dropkick to the knee, and Toshiaki Kawada lives in the feet of Low-Ki. Styles and Yang in, and Styles uses an Asai moonsault to take Yang into an inverted DDT. Styles goes for a German suplex, but Yang lands on his feet and hits him with an audible leg lariat. Spinebuster bomb by Yang, and Lynn comes in to break the count. And here comes the Parade o' Finishers. Low-Ki accidentally hits Styles with a handspring roundhouse kick, and Yang hits the Yang Time corkscrew moonsault on Styles for the pin at 6:26. Some might call it a train wreck, some might call it a spotfest. I call it damn entertaining. Give them 10 more minutes next time so we can have something resembling a story to the match and I'm a happy guy!

One fall midget match: Hollywood vs. Teo

You might remember Teo from the WWA pay-per-views. Hollywood starts by attacking Teo from behind. Teo comes back with some chops (WHOO!) and a headbutt to the groin. Teo climbs the turnbuckle for the 10 punch count along. Hollywood with a modified running powerslam/falcon arrow type thing for a near fall. Teo goes for a roll up and gets 2. Hollywood with a clothesline, and up to the top rope for a frog splash, and Teo somehow kicks out. Teo comes back with a series of punches and chops, then takes him down with a Russian legsweep. Teo up top now, and he hits the T.E.O, a corkscrew elbow from the top, for the pin at 2:50. T.E.O stands for Total E Outstanding, says Mike Tenay. That might be the best midget match I've ever seen, although aside from a few with the Mexican minis, that's not really saying a whole hell of a lot.

Ferrara and West are in the ring, and we are going to preview next week's Lingerie Battle Royal. I thought that was supposed to be on this week's show. Anyway, here come all 10 women who will be involved. Francine comes out first, followed by Miss Joanie, Shannon (aka Daffney), Alexis Larie (sp?), Sasha, Erin, Elektra (who I didn't like in ECW either), Taylor Vaughn, and in her debut, Theresa Tyler. I thought there were supposed to be 10, but I only count 9. Where's Bobcat? Only a handful are attractive at all. Seriously, Daffney might be the looker in this group. Francine grabs the mic, and somehow she feels like she's the only one who deserves to be in the ring because she is "The Queen of Extreme". Elektra asks Francine how she got that title since extreme isn't the title..."unless you're ashamed that you single-handedly bankrupted another company". There's the obligatory catfight. Where's Joey Styles when you need him? OK, I'll do it. CATFIGHT! CATFIIIIIIIIGHT! Ah, much better.

The TNA dancing girls are actually hotter than the women in the battle royal.

Our interviewer Goldilocks interviews Mortimer Plumtree, and to make a long story short, Plumtree comes off as a cross between Paul E. Dangerously and Jim Cornette with extra "dweeb" on the side, and his tag team of the Johnsons apparently used to bully him, but now they listen to him.

One fall tag team match: Richard and Rod Johnson (w/Mortimer Plumtree) vs. Psicosis and "Cowboy" James Storm

Either these two guys are huge or there is a shitload of padding in those bodysuits. Psicosis starts with one of the Johnsons, and I can't tell them apart, nor do I really care to. Yes, they're dressed in beige and named "Dick" and "Rod". Psicosis is using leg lariats and enzuigiris to keep the Johnsons at bay, and Storm hits a missile dropkick. The Johnsons retreat, and out to ringside comes Alicia, aka Ryan Shamrock. We're not sure why she's there, but I think it's because she likes big Johnsons. Sorry, had to go there. Back in the ring, and Storm is sent over the top rope, but skins the cat a la Ricky Steamboat, and after a bulldog, he tags in Psicosis. Psicosis is a ping pong ball from corner to corner, and down he goes to an Exploder suplex. Johnson goes for a power bomb, but Psicosis channels the spirit of Billy Kidman and turns it into a facebuster. Storm in, and now all four men in the ring. Stereo head and arm suplexes by the Johnsons. Storm counters a fireman's carry into a roll up and gets 2. Plumtree grabs the leg, and Johnson hits a fireman's carry into an Ace crusher for the win at 4:53. Postmatch, referee Slick Johnson (keep your mind out of the gutter) hands some money to Alicia. Match was OK, but it's clear that the Harris Brothers aren't playing the Johnsons because the Johnsons have a couple of pretty neat moves.

Goldilocks is backstage with the Dupps, Stan and Bo, and they introduce her to their girlfriend/cousin, who I believe is played by Bobcat. After (I think) Jerry Jarrett tells them not to get drunk before their match, they question how you can get drunk off beer.

Jeremy Borash introduces Hermie Sadler and Sterling Marlin, because why have longer matches when you can interview race car drivers? I know it's Alabama, but shit guys, why not just call it "Redneck Pro Wrestling"? And they get interviewed about racing, but they are finally interrupted after what seems like an hour, but is actually about 30 seconds, by K-Krush, aka K-Kwik. K-Kwik says this is wrestling, and racers aren't really athletes. "My kind are athletes. Your kind drive a car in a left motion continuously." Oooh, he played the race card! Sadler actually stands up to him and says K-Krush doesn't look like an athlete. K-Krush wants to introduce them to professional wrestling, and out comes Brian Christopher (called Brian Lawler by Ferrara) to make the save. Sadler and Marlin dump K-Krush over the top rope, and he takes one hell of a bump off of it. Christopher nearly says "motherfucker" before catching himself and saying "mofo", then challenges K-Krush to a match next week...with Sadler and Marlin in his corner. Goddamn these double tapings. And here comes Grand Master Sexay's Dance Par-tay! Bringing in NASCAR racers just to build to a match? Worse, THAT match?

Backstage, Jeff Jarrett is choking Jackie Fargo over being given number 1. Can somebody explain to me why the fuck he had to be number 1?

One fall tag team match: Christian York and Joey Matthews vs. Stan Dupp and Bo Dupp (w/Fluff Dupp)

Goddamn, Fluff Dupp makes me want to live out my farmer's daughter fantasies........ANYWAY! Dupps beat down their opponents to start. York comes in and springboards dropkicks each guy, and this finally resembles a tag team match. Double suplex by York and Matthews, and Matthews covers Stan for 2. Stan quickly takes Matthews down with a full nelson slam. Bo tagged in, and he catches Matthews with a vicious Big Boot, then gets some elevation and gets a count of 2. Stan in, but Matthews hits the Virginia Necktie and makes the tag. Flying lariat, but the double team effort begins. York goes for the 10 punch count along but hops off and hits Stan with a flying elbow. York with a tornado DDT on Bo Dupp, and he goes to the top rope, but Fluff hops up and crotches York. Bo with the cover and a handful of tights for the pin in 3:43. Disappointing ending to a disappointing match, as York and Matthews are so much better than they can show with four minutes.

Let's take a look at Toby Keith's video for "How Do You Like Me Now", and then it's live performance time. Is anybody north of Nashville watching this without stereotyping the fed into a really bad stigma right now? Anyway, Toby Keith sings his new single, "The Angry American", which is another of those post-9/11 tributes that everybody is completely sick of. This whole time I'm expecting him to start plugging 1-800-COLLECT. Anyway, as Keith nears the end of the song, Jeff Jarrett shoves him aside and storms the ring. He complains that this is wrestling, not a concert, so let's get the main event going so Jarrett can win the NWA World Title already!

20-Man Gauntlet for the Gold for the NWA World Heavyweight Title

Basically, this is a 20-man royal rumble with 90 second intervals, but when we're down to two men, it turns into a singles match under NWA championship rules with special referee Ricky Steamboat. I've had Jarrett pegged to win this from the start, but we'll see.

We know Jarrett is number 1, and apparently Buff Bagwell is #2 as he charges the ring. Bagwell hits a swinging neckbreaker, and a short clothesline, and goes for the elimination, but Jarrett only reaches the apron. Bagwell gets the Buff Blockbuster in. Jarrett to his feet, and Buff charges, but Jarrett eliminates Bagwell with a backdrop. Lash LeRoux is number 3. Jarrett has the advantage of already being in the ring, and takes control. They both go through the ropes, and Jarrett uses the guardrail to his advantage. Back in the ring, and there's the Stroke and the elimination. Jarrett with another breather. Norman Smiley is number 4. Jarrett tries for the advantage, but Norman stops Jarrett long enough to get a partial Big Wiggle in. There's the spinning slam! Another Big Wiggle is countered with a low blow kick, then it's the Stroke and another elimination for the Chosen One. Apolo from IWA Puerto Rico is number 5. And again Jarrett is ready. Spinebuster bomb by Apolo, and he's going to outpower Jarrett. Swinging neckbreaker and Apolo tries to get the elimination, but Jarrett only makes the apron. Another attempt, but Jarrett through the ropes. Apolo goes for a press slam as K-Krush enters at #6, and he saves Jarrett. I never understood why in the hell you'd make a save in a match like this. Jarrett takes a breather, and it's Apolo working over K-Krush. Jarrett picks his spot and gets involved again. Jarrett and K-Krush turn it into a handicap match until Slash (w/Minister James Mitchell) enters at #7. Slash and Apolo do a nice little power match while Jarrett and K-Krush take a breather. Apolo is looking outstanding tonight. Apolo is fighting off all three guys, and he goes to press slam Slash, and Jarrett stupidly makes the save. Ferrara says it might be ego. Del Rios, apparently a former USWA champion and a Scott Steiner lookalike, is #8. The pace has slowed down with more guys in the ring. Jarrett is trying to eliminate Apolo, and K-Krush tries to help, but nothing doing. Justice from NWA Wildside is #9. He immediately targets Apolo. Justice's move of choice is apparently the Big Boot. Nice side slam onto Rios though. Jarrett tries to eliminate Apolo, but Apolo hangs on to the ropes and eventually makes it back in. I like that spot. It shows desperation from both guys. Konnan draws number 10 to a scary pop. Konnan targets Jarrett because good guys target the weaker guys, and now he's after everybody and faring way too well. Jarrett again tries to get rid of Apolo, and again the attempt fails. #11 is...not Joel Gertner, but Gertner does his limerick to introduce the Rainbow Express representive, Bruce, who is Alan Funk and replacing an injured Lodi. Apolo quickly takes Bruce down with a huge clothesline. Rick Steiner draws #12, and he gets an insane pop. Steiner comes in, and it's Steinerlines aplenty. Slash is eliminated with a Steiner Exploder suplex. A Steinerline eliminates Justice. Jarrett tries to leapfrog over Steiner but gets powerslammed. Number 13 is Malice, and he makes quick work by eliminating Bruce, K-Krush, Del Rios, Konnan (with a weakass bump), and Rick Steiner within the 90 second interval. Malice and Jarrett think they eliminate Apolo as Scott Hall enters at 14, but he skins the cat back in. Apolo takes Malice down with a huge superkick. Apolo tries to eliminate Malice as Hall uses the Razor's Edge on Jarrett. Hall awaits number 15, and out comes Toby Keith (?). Keith targets Jarrett, takes him down with a delayed vertical suplex (holy shit!), and Keith and Hall team up to toss Jarrett over the top rope. Well, shit. But Keith isn't actually an entrant, so he stalks Jarrett to the locker room. Credit them with making it mean something, and that suplex looked sweet as hell, but was this really necessary? Apolo and Hall chop away at Malice. Chris Harris comes in at (I assume) #16. Harris takes Apolo down with a Thesz press as Vampire Warrior (Gangrel) comes out, and I guess he was supposed to come out when Keith did, but who the hell knows? Harris and Warrior pair off. Devon Storm is number 17. Warrior saves himself from going over. Storm takes Harris down with a front-layout suplex, and Hall looks completely trashed...as if that's a shock. Then again, Hall looks drunk whether he is or not, so who knows? Steve Corino draws #18, and we finally have a credible guy to hold the title in there. Corino draws a small "ECW" chant as he "hits" Harris with a clearly missed Otani kick. Warrior dumps Malice, but James Mitchell manages him, so he actually helps Malice stay in by pushing him into the ring. Neat spot. Ken Shamrock comes in at #19. Corino is waiting in shootfighting stance, but Shamrock takes him down and goes to work. Shamrock up for a flying leg lariat, and Malice catches him in mid-air and drops him. Warrior thinks he's dumped Harris, but Harris only hit the apron. And our final entrant tonight is Brian Christopher, yet they still show us the clock. Nine men still in. Harris is quickly dumped by Jerry's kid, then Warrior, then Storm. Christopher eliminates Corino as well, and now I don't want anybody to win this fucker. Well, maybe Apolo, he's been impressive. Malice takes Christopher down with a choke slam, and Chrisopher is dumped by a Shamrock clothesline. Down to the final four, and Apolo gets backdropped out by Malice. Hall going for the Edge, but Malice backdrops him over. NWA rules now apply with special referee Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat: Malice vs. Ken Shamrock. Pinfalls or submission, there must be a winner, and interesting to note that Malice looks sorta like a tall DDP, Shamrock has sideburns so looks like Rico, and with the right camera angle Steamboat looks like William Shatner. Malice gets a side slam for 2. A suplex gets two. Headsmash into the turnbuckle. Shamrock attempts a sunset flip, but Malice punches out of it. Choke slam attempted, but nicely countered into a cross armbreaker. Great move! And I fucking hate Shamrock, but that was a damn good move. Malice desperately tries to make it to the ropes, and finally Mitchell pushes the bottom rope toward him for Malice to grab it. Malice uses a headbutt until he gets feeling back in his arm, but a Big Boot is countered into an anklelock. Oh fuck, not Shamrock! Malice grabs the ropes, and Shamrock pulls him off and keeps the hold. Mitchell begs for a break, and he should get it according to NWA rules, but Steamboat allows it anyway. Malice reaches the ropes again, and Steamboat makes the five count. Shamrock, however, doesn't break the damn hold, Steamboat gets a look on his face like "You asshole" before counting to SEVEN to force the break. Mitchell appears to hand Malice something as Shamrock targets the leg. Choke against the ropes, and they try to disguise calling spots with "grunts". Malice finally gets some distance,and he sets up for the choke slam, but Shamrock counters it into a belly-to-belly suplex for the pin and the title at 37:34. Never mind that he already LOST by disqualification. Malice looked like the Kings in game 6...he looked too damn good to lose and somehow did. What the hell is with the NWA and using UFC guys as champions? I know they like "real" wrestlers holding it, but there's a thing called "charisma" that a champion needs. Not like anybody outside of Corino had the right combination of both, but you get the point.

Backstage, Jarrett is yelling at Fargo and Keith again, and out he comes to the ring. Jarrett has a gripe, since he was eliminated by a non-wrestler who wasn't actually in the match at all. Jarrett grabs the mic, and he's pissed that a battle royal determined a champion. Jarrett asks Dory Funk Jr. and Harley Race if they ever won a title that way. We see the arm of Bob Armstrong shove Jarrett, and Jarrett fights back to gain some distance. Fargo and Keith run out with security in tow, and I think Fargo's having a heart attack as he makes a match between Jarrett and Hall for next week. Jarrett meets Hall down the aisle, there's the brawl, and we are out of time!

So how was it? Glad you asked. Not bad. The six man tag was definitely the best match of the night, and if you kept that amount of spots and surrounded it with some form of psychology most people would have it pegged as a match of the year candidate. Terrific fun. The Gauntlet for the Gold was interesting, as I liked the twist of the singles match to end it, and that portion of it was better than a Shamrock match has any right to be. Apolo and Malice both looked impressive, in my opinion, and if Apolo can work the mic at all he should be a shoo-in for WWE. Great power stuff, great look, everything Vinnie Mac looks for. The stuff in between the opener and the main event was hit and miss though. We don't really need the midgets, although that was a better match than midgets are usually allowed to be capable of. The other two tag matches were too short to bother me, but I could have seen the same stuff on Raw and been highly pissed off that they wasted time with it.

Is it recommended viewing? That all depends on your tastes. Your best bet is to look at the lineups on www.nwatna.com and base your purchase on that. With that being said, our lineup next week includes:

1. Lingerie battle royal
2. X Title Round Robin Tournament: Jerry Lynn, A.J. Styles, Low-Ki, and Psicosis
3. Brian Christopher vs. K-Krush
4. Jeff Jarrett vs. Scott Hall

The X Title stuff is intriguing enough that I might part with 10 bucks and review it for you guys, but I probably won't know myself before Tuesday.

Until the on-site King of the Ring report, remember, battle royals should not determine titles unless I win it!

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