TV Reports
WWE Velocity: CRUCIFIED~!
By "Crucifixio Jones"
Nov 24, 2002, 15:43

"A-ha�damn, homie."

WWE Velocity Recap for 11-23-02

by Crucifixio Jones

-- How long is the �new� TNN gonna be considered �new� anyway? Welcome to WWE Velocity and I am Crucifixio Jones, the world's prettiest recapper. If you're sitting at home on a Saturday night watching this tripe, I hope for WWE's sake, you own a Neilsen box.

Crash versus Albert

Crash�s ring entrance is really starting to annoy me. If that�s the purpose then Crash is succeeding admirably. His whole �I�m gonna act like the bottom rope is about 10 feet tall and jump into the ring pretending to barely maintain my balance� schtick irks me for some reason. It�s not like we can�t already see you�re five foot nothing, Crash. Tonight, Crash is wearing a backpack for reasons that are unclear to me until later.

Before the match begins, Crash begs off and requests a time out to go to his backpack. After fumbling through it, out comes a razor and a can of shaving cream. The crowd chants �Shave Your Back� at Albert. Albert lunges at Crash and Crash jets to the outside. Back inside, Crash makes his second request: a test of strength. Albert lunges again, but Crash ducks his clothesline and grabs hold of Albert�s back hair. When Albert turns to face him, Crash gets a handful of chest hair. Albert deads all this comedy with a big backbreaker and even bigger headbutt. That boy has got to wear at least a 9 and 3/8ths size hat. Albert launches Crash the length of the ring for the hell of it. Crash mounts a brief comeback using his speed and size to his advantage, but decides that now would be a good time to debut his Ultimate Warrior impression. Crash shakes the ring ropes and calls for the Gorilla Press Slam, turns and walks into a Albert Bicycle Kick for the 1, 2, 3. Night, night Crash. Sleep tight.

Post-match, Crash is determined to see Albert�s back shaved, so he lathers up Albert�s back while he�s not looking. Albert turns and gives Crash a Baldo Bomb. Damn, he�s a HOSS. Man, that joke is played out.

- An ad for WWE RAW magazine shows all of the WWE superstars backstage reading the mark mag likes it�s the friggin� Observer, intently, as if they�re going to read some kind of inside dirt that they didn�t previously know. Yeah, I�m sure that happens. The 10th Anniversary covers look pretty dope, though, and show that WWE knows where its money is made. The four covers are: The Undertaker & Mankind, Bret Hart & Shawn Michaels, The Rock & Triple H and Stone Cold Steve Austin & Vince McMahon. Not one NEW star since like 1998. Think about that, Vince.

Lugz Boot of the Week: Tio Eddy and Sobrino Chavito winning the tag titles at Survivor Series via still photgraphs.

RECAP: EDDY~! and Angle get biz on Smackdown. Easily the two best workers in WWE, bar none. Joined in progress:

Eddy comes back with a Tilt-A-Whirl backbreaker. Angle trumps that with a pair of Germans, but Eddy has a lowblow waiting to counter the third. Eddy tosses Angle so Chavo can work him over before scampering back up the ramp. Benoit wanders out to the stage. Eddy slams Angle on the floor, giving Chavo a chance to dash down and post him. Angle gets rolled in, and Eddy nails the slingshot senton to the back. El Paso Lasso is turned into the Anglelock, then back to the Lasso, then the Anglelock, which Eddy rolls out of. Angle hits a release German, but Eddy answers with a brainbuster. Eddy goes up, but Angle crotches him. He knocks Chavo off the apron, then climbs to deliver a second-rope Olympic Slam for the win at 9:41. - Dr. Tom

Raw Retro: (on a Smackdown-brand show?) � MILK-O-Mania~! Angle interrupts Steve Austin Appreciation Day by hosing down the Alliance with some Grade-A Cow Goop. Nice editing by the production team; just as Jim Ross says, �The Billion Dollar Princess� has been turned into a �Dairy Queen�, we get a slow-mo of Stephanie McSweaterBuster having a hissy fit, while her pendulous bosoms bounce, jiggle and sway to and fro while a copious amount of creamy white liquid drips off of her face and down her cleavage�damn, that was way hotter than I thought it was earlier. I still get a kick out of seeing Kanyon shield himself from the milk with his newly-awarded US title. Excuse me, * I * need to towel off.

Chuck Palumbo versus (no entrance for) Some No-Name Jobber

The jobber du jour has �DG� emblazoned on singlet ala Owen Hart, but Marc Loyd and Michael Cole are rambling off the sponsors when Tony Chimmel says his name so we can�t hear it. I think they refer to him as Germano or something later. What�s it matter anyway? If he doesn�t job, I�ll do Michael Cole AND Marc Loyd after the show. Germano actually controls most of the match before Palumbo ends it with three simple moves: an overhead belly-to-belly, the MIGHTY discus punch and a reverse boston crab for which Loyd and Cole have no name. �I need to get with Palumbo later and find out what he calls that!� Yeah, that�s why you two would talk to Chuck Palumbo after work. Sure.

- Torrie Wilson talks about her entrance theme, �Need a Little Time� by Lilian Garcia. Personally, I liked her theme before this; it was a tad more bass heavy. But, hey that�s just me. I�m BLACK. Torrie says that before matches she�s nervous and hopes she doesn�t mess up or forget any �spots��then suddenly my feed goes out. Probably because Torrie was EXPOSING THE BUSINESS with all her insider lingo. I kid, I kid.

- On WWE Confidential they�ll be talking to the participants of the Elimination Chamber. My wife, in one of the meanest acts I�ve ever seen committed against a complete stranger, pointed at the television and laughed when she saw Triple H spasm in pain and clutch his throat when RVD botched that five-star frogsplash. God, I knew there was a reason I married that woman.

Bill DeMott versus Danny Doring

No entrance for Doring and no mention of his ECW accomplishments. (did he accomplish anything?) This is WWE, silly. Anything you did beforehand doesn�t count because it NO LONGER EXISTS. �We own your tape library, we own your history & DAMMIT, we own YOU� should be their new motto. Admit it, it�s better than �Get the F Out�.

Lockup to start and Bill DeMott (how boring of a ring name is that? Steve Austin. Fine. John Cena. Pushing it. But Bill DeMott? It makes Hugh Morrus sound perfectly acceptable in comparison.) gets the better of it and bullies Doring into the corner to give him some open-handed slaps to the chest. Morrus then blatantly chokes Doring. Ah, he�s the crazy, not-quite-right heel. He�s �touched�, ya see? This Tough Enough heavy gimmick has been SO successful the other times they�ve tried it. Bob Holly versus Tazz is gonna headline WrestleMania one day, you watch. A serious clothesline damn near beheads Doring. DeMott begs for Doring to show him some offense. Doring tries a huracanrana but gets powerbombed. This sets up the No Laughing Matter moonsault (which still looks good considering how big DeMott is) but DeMott won�t pin him. Man, maybe if Doring was Ricky Morton and this was 1985, that would get some heat, Bill. DeMott berates Doring like he�s one of his TE pupils and then decides to pin him.

This seques nicely into their Tough Enough III recap. I hate MTV and �reality� television, so I�ll spare you my words and thoughts on the subject. It might turn into quite the lengthy rant.

RECAP: Lesnar vs. Big Show Feud

Heyman comes out to Brock�s music. Paul even mocks Brock�s mannerisms at ringside. Paul tells us how privileged we�ve been to watch a once-in-a-lifetime performer since WrestleMania: Heyman himself. He points to his excellent strategies and mad managerial skills as proof. He had to show Brock that was Heyman�s brain that drove his brawn.

Slow thanks Brock for being a careless hothead. Slow carries on for a while before Heyman mercifully takes the stick back to inform Brock that his last act as agent was to remove the �rematch clause� in the SurSer contract. Paul and Slow leave, only to have Brock run up from ringside and waylay Slow with a chair.

�Edge chases Paul, but Slow grabs him at ringside and chokeslams him back into the ring. Heyman yells for no pin, and tells Slow to treat Edge like Brock. Two more chokeslams summon the genuine Brock to the ring, who quickly hoists Slow onto his shoulders and delivers an F5. I didn�t hear a bell. But I have to guess that�s a DQ around the 6:45 mark. - Dr. Tom

-- That was a scary pop Brock got for F5�ing Show. Makes you wonder what the reaction is gonna be when Brock busts out the Shooting Star Press for the first time on WWE TV if he ever does. But then again, I�m still waiting for that Big Show moonsault, so I�m not holding my breath.

Matt Hardy v.1.0 vs Sho Funaki

-- This is for all my FREAKS on the internet who think Matt Hardy is getting a serious singles push simply because his character is getting over:

He gets sent out with a Tough Enough I runner-up at Survivor Series to be destroyed by Scott Steiner.

He gets thrown through a wall by Brock Lesnar on Smackdown Thurdsday. An unfortunate Twist of Fate, wouldn�t you say?

Tonight, he�s on Velocity.

Besides, �over� doesn�t always = good faith push. Just ask anyone who�s name isn�t Triple H over on RAW. You do the math, smarks.

Matt armdrags Funaki to start, runs to the ropes and gives the crowd his MATTITUDE~! Hand signal. Matt goes behind Funaki and rolls him up for two. This prompts Matt to signal to the crowd yet again that Funaki simply does not have the MATTITUDE~! To keep up with him in the ring. Funaki gets a go-behind and rolls up Matt for two. Funaki then lets the crowd know that it is Matt who is lacking in MATTITUDE~! Today. Matt responds with a closed fist to his grill. Matt charges Funaki, but Funaki low bridges him and Matt finds himself outside of the ring. Funaki follows with a slingshot plancha. Back inside, the Side Effect by Matt gets two. In one of the weirder things I�ve seen or heard on Velocity, the crowd begins to chant, of all damn things, "WE WANT JEFF", for Matt�s RAW-brand brother. I guess Funaki and Matt are doing too many things right and this crowd wants to see some blown spots and general all-around laziness. Matt snake-eyes Funaki and another big Side Effect-like backbreaker gets 2. Funaki gets a drop toehold/dropkick to the face combo on Matt. That spot just ain�t the same without TAKA. Funaki goes up top and locks Matt into something I actually get to my feet for. It looks like Funaki is gonna bust out the DIAMOND DUST~! on WWE Velocity. Ah, dammit. He just did a reverse tornado DDT and Matt kicked out at 2. Funaki goes up to for a double axe-handle, but Matt kicks him in the breadbasket on the way down and ends it with the Twist of Fate.

Next on Confidential: Mean Gene says it was the Elimination Chamber who came out on top of Survivor Series, not either of the new champions. So, my Crossface prediction was true. But how long do we have before Triple H returns to RAW with his sledgehammer to exact his revenge on the Elimination Chamber and avenge his throat injury? We also get a recap of Hunter and Steph renewing their vows with plenty of those nipple slips like this one you pervs all love. Stay tuned.

Until next time, I remain�

The reason your favorite TSM recapper is no longer your favorite,
"Crucifixio Jones"

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