by Patrick Spoon

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Howdy, loyal and/or first time readers!

This site got a great plug on the NWA-TNA site in their “From the Inside” report for this week. Think the Ross Report, except, you know, honest. Anyways, they praised Dames’ recaps of their weekly shows, especially how he paid attention to detail and wasn’t pulling any punches. Anyways, the point is that if anyone here came from there or from a site showing the report...

Welcome to the BEST DAMN RECAP ON THE INTERNET. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry. You’ll recommend it to your friends. They’ll recommend it to their friends. I’ll receive mysterious packages from admirers, filled with Plinko chips and screen capped shots of Jonah. Then the money will come in, as well as the letters urging me to run for office. By now, the nation will be in a frenzy over me, and the revolution will take place, with me as head of state and living god of my own national cult. I’d be Pope Patrick I. Then I’ll organize a mass suicide by way of zucchini through the heart, but it’d really be to weed out really dumb people. When an idiot would be seen trying to kill himself with said vegetable, orders would be to shoot him. Finally, I’ll be assassinated by Vatican agents for muscling in on their business. Reportedly, the leading suspect said “Only room for one’a Pope!”

Aren’t you glad you clicked on this article now? There’s already been political and religious intrigue, and Jonah! What more could you ask for in the first paragraph? Oh, almost forgot, Kylie Minogue would be the... umm... what do you call the Pope’s wife? Oh wait, there is no title for that. I shall INVENT ONE! Kylie will be called “Pope’s Baby Momma.”

I need to start this recap, like NOW, or I’ll start going off on something else.

LAST WEEK: Rebekah quit, Jamie had some bipolar drunkenness, Kelly hurt her back, John was declared Alpha male by everyone but me, and Justin made himself my target for this week by once again showing little to no personality besides ragging on Scott (which you do NOT do) and reminding me of onions. Also on the food front, Big’s goatee reminded me of cornbread.

This Week’s Recap Brought To You By: Willpower!

I think I’ll try a little fun project this week. Where Are They Now?: Cut and Quitting Tough Enough III contestants!

Lisa: Model inmate at Bellevue.
Chad: CBA Basketball Player for the Fargo Fuddy-Duddys.
Rebekah: Building her mother a new house out of banned books, and donning a hood at night.
Jill: Porn, of course. We wish.

Feels like more than that have left us. Anyways, I’ll do this again once we get another several cuts and quits.

Cinder blocks cannot stop the might of the WWE logo. Jonah looks cooler every week in the opener. This week his look says “Bitch, you’d best get out my grill, or shit’s gonna go down.”

PREVIOUSLY, ON TOUGH ENOUGH: Jamie has a HUGE crush on John, and it isn’t going away! OMG!!! May b shell hook ^ w/John! LoLz!! Enough of that teenager stuff.

So much for that little angle, as the John/Jamie romance is immediately squashed since he has a girlfriend. Ha.

One morning, Big shows up at the house in his 2002 MUSTANG GT VERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I pause the tape and admire the car. It’s black. It’s beautiful. Big will give me that car or bad things will happen. He comes inside and tells the group that he’s going to do something special because he likes them all. They’re leery anyway. Justin tells us that Big said that he was going to pull two names out of a bag, and those two people would be allowed to fly people in to visit with them. Thanks for pointing out the obvious, Justin. Go sit on one of those cacti outside the house. Big’s using a Doritos bag for this, which swerved me, as I thought he was just eating again. The group is ecstatic that they get to bring someone in. It isn’t ironclad though, as you can sell it, trade it, whatever, to someone else. Always a gimmick to everything WWE does, I swear. John and Jonah get picked, but come on, you knew Jonah would get it. He was just nice and let John, who is approaching him in coolness these days, win one for himself. Kelly tells us that both guys wanted to bring their girlfriends in, and Jamie says she doesn’t want to ask John a lot of questions about his girlfriend.

Now for the intrigue to begin! Scott tries to buy John’s visitor’s pass, and Justin calls him a bonehead. Hey Justin, SHUT UP. Scott has a very interesting plan. He wants to call a girl he knew from high school and bring her out to California. Problem is, he hasn’t talked to her in four years. Scott is willing to pay John $2,000 for his pass. Jonah says he’ll sell his. Attaboy, Jonah. You’re doing fine without the girlfriend, you’re in freaking Los Angeles! Scott realizes that Jonah DESERVES a pass as the House God, so he presses the issue with John further, and John says they’ll talk about it.

Justin keeps himself from laughing at the recollection of all of this, and I realize that he reminds me less of an onion now so much as one of the characters from the Guess Who? board game.
“Does your person have big lips?”
“Yes, he does.”
“Is it Justin?”
“Yeah...”
“Okay, tell Justin to rip off his lips and shove them up his nose.”

Scott gives us details about this girl. She was someone he met halfway through his Senior year of High School, and he’s sad that he hasn’t talked to her since graduating. Aww, Scott’s a real sweetie. This $2,000 is Scott’s entire bank account, so he’s pretty enamored with this girl. Scott says he’d pay more if he could, because you can’t buy love. Awwww!!!! That’s soooooooo sweet! Oh dear, all the teen drama last week has me thinking like a 16 year old girl. *goes outside, shoots an animal, and eats its raw flesh while listening to angry gangsta rap* Ahh, better. John tries to convince Scott of how foolish this is, since he hasn’t talked to her in so long, but Scott is convinced that this is the picture perfect plan, and won’t back down. Justin continues his verbal burial of Scott, saying that she wants nothing to do with him, and anyone sensible would want to get to the other side of the planet from Scott. Oh, Justin Justin Justin...

Justin, drop your pants and bend over. Nurse? Hand me Iron Maiden, the stainless steel spiked dildo...

Scott is convinced that Jennifer (the girl) is perfect for him, and hopes that she’s thought of him since she saw him last. I’m a bit worried about Scott here. Sure, he’s a god to me along with Jonah, but no one else on this planet seems to agree. He might be getting rejected here. Poor Scott.

Nick and Kelly lie in a bed in the Orange room and talk about how they feel sorry for Scott. Kelly admits an attraction to Nick. She has him flex his muscles for her pleasure. Nick says that it’s unfortunate that she’s attracted to him. Nick looks different than other weeks, almost like he took an Ugly Pill or something. Justin says that Nick needs to hook up while he can, why not? Justin gets a hot branding iron down his throat for throwing his opinion in there.

After the talk in the Orange room, Nick returns to the Green room to talk with John and Justin, and makes me hate him MORE THAN JUSTIN. He says how Kelly is way too corny for him, and he goes for supermodels and gets them, and it’s easy for him to hook up with strangers. He also says that he might not like Kelly because she isn’t a challenge. He doesn’t like rejecting girls to their face, but remarks that his face is a damn good one. Okay, so he’s conceited, lacks balls, is dumb, and is annoying to “lithen” to. John says that Nick has started to believe his own hype, and that can’t be good. So, in short, Justin is spared. NICK now gets the punishments. He says he’s too nice of a guy to reject her, but doesn’t know how much longer he can avoid her. Yeah dude, I REALLY don’t like you now. You’re at Wendell-like levels with me, bucko.

Hey! An Expedition driving up to... “Trax West?” Oh shit, this show has wrestling too? Man, I love this!!

Al says the contestants are going to be taught transitional moves like shoulderblocks and snapnares. Kelly is worried that she’ll fall behind due to the back tweaking from last week. Nick says that things are getting very mentally and physically exhausting now. That happens when you have to hold that big ego AND wrestle, you know. He feels that he’s outperforming everyone still. Al feels that Nick is soft emotionally.

Um... what? That’s it? We... leave (?!?!) Trax and head back to the house. Aha, Scott’s going to call the girl now. Kelly and Nick discuss what Scott’s motivation could possibly be while Nick plays pool and Kelly eats TWIZZLERS~!, THE FUCKING KING OF CANDY. Kelly has scored even more points in my book now. Nick says that the situation is so silly, that he can’t be bothered to think about it. Oh, shove that pool cue right into your left ear and out the right ear. Scott wonders if she has a boyfriend, husband, issues with her parents, and hopes he has the guts to go through with this and do the right thing.

If they let him go as far as PG-13 will let him, this Eight Crazy Nights film will reaffirm my faith in Adam Sandler, since I didn’t see whatever that movie was he came out with recently that was supposed to be really good and had him actually acting and stuff.

Scott gets a hold of Jennifer, and the caption on the screen says “Jennifer, Scott’s girlfriend??????” Geez, MTV. Don’t need to be THAT disbelieving. They slip and let Scott’s last name out. She remembers him and all, but she’s not receptive at all to a weekend in California. She sounds rather frightened that he called, actually. Poor Scott. Kelly and Nick mock the situation in the pool room. Kelly gets off on this stuff, but Nick gets a Red Hot Poker Up The Ass (TM Scott Keith) for laughing at the mocking. Kelly says she shouldn’t be acting this mean and stops mocking Scott. Damn she rules. Justin kills my goodwill towards him by saying Scott’s a meatball and needs to be locked up somewhere. One more slip and he’s back to absorbing various kinds of blinding pain.

John and Jonah’s girlfriends arrive. Both are hot, Jonah’s in particular, as if he’d ever associate with an average looking mortal. Jonah says that when his girlfriend is around, he doesn’t drink, watches what he says, watches what he looks at, and is just generally more grounded. Damn, yo. Should’ve sold that visitor’s pass. Jamie says that Casey, John’s boyfriend, surprised her, as she figured an athletic man should want an athletic girlfriend. Casey is no slouch, she looks nice and fit. Casey has a Masters in something that isn’t specified. Uh oh. Scott’s got his eyes on her, saying she has a great personality and a genuine kindness.

Next day, Nick has a pain in his bicep and can’t extend his arm fully. He goes to the hospital on the dreariest day imaginable. Grade One Bicep Tendonitis is the verdict, and Nick is instructed to keep his arm in a bent position and not to stretch it for at least a week so it can heal, as there may be a tear. He’s given a cast and sent on his way.

Next day at Trax, Nick tells the trainers about the situation. They ask if he can work with it, which is a signal meaning “YOU CAN STILL WORK WITH THIS!!” but Nick says no, and sits out for all the training. Al tells everyone to line up AS BILL GRABS A CHAIR!!! Chairshots! Yes! They’re going to learn chairshots! What the hell... they do an armdrag drill in the ring, and Nick says it’s frustrating to sit out. Kelly gains even MORE points with me by saying Nick was a wimp for sitting out, and that she isn’t going to protect herself anymore, since protecting yourself leads to more injuries. Go Kelly! Forget the muscleheaded punk!!!

The door at Trax opens, and YO! It’s me, it’s me, it’s DDP walks in! I thought Page retired before this was filmed. Oh well. The clips of him at work show how far the WWE has come down since just last year, as the arenas aren’t totally blacked out. He relates his story of having a car wreck and having his football and hockey careers ended, so he decided to become the oldest rookie ever at the age of 35. He says that they need to learn how to adapt to pain, no matter what. Take notes Nick, you ugly poo-faced git.

Big announces that there will be a cut the next day, and people who are on the bubble are shown looking pensive.

I picked up The Young Ones: Every Stoopid Episode today. It’s a DVD of every episode of the AWESOME Britcom from 1982 and 1984, and has an extra disc just for documentaries and other work by the people on the show after it was stopped. I recommend to pick up just a VHS collection if you see one, because the program is as close to a human cartoon as it can get.

Back at the house, Nick bitches and moans about how he shouldn’t get cut because of his injury. Hey, look! Spanish Bayonets! JAM THEM INTO YOUR EYES. Eric and Matt just listen without really looking at him, as they know damn well he’s just a pisser and won’t amount to shit because he feels he’s entitled to everything. They’re also wearing more ice on their bodies than I think I’ve consumed in the last two weeks, yet they aren’t complaining. Matt says that he’s had tendonitis in his knees since the age of EIGHT, and that there are certain things you need to get over in order to get into WWE. Nick is shown overacting and feebly grabbing for his walkman next to his lawn chair.

Scott is depressed because Casey is hot and he’s never had a girl. He just wants a taste of what it’s like. I will admit, Casey is a hottie. He’s shown interacting with Casey and John, and every word of what he says SCREAMS “I want Casey BADLY.” Scott gets this week’s Line O’ The Night:

“John, I’d like to make an indecent proposal to you.”

John shoots him down immediately, and says that Scott looks like he’s getting mad on the inside because he doesn’t know how to deal with his problems like not being able to hook up.

That night, it’s OFF TO DA CLUB, BAYBEE~! Good lord, Jonah’s girl has a RACK. She must not have wanted to be on TV much. Either that or Jonah was busy taking her on a tour of galaxies of pleasure that only a god like Jonah would be capable of in their room the whole time. Scott gets on a stage with a dancer dressed so skimpily that MTV has to blot out her so-called skirt. Scott reminds me of Tajiri as he looks at her leeringly while she smiles. Scott manages to endear himself to her, and they start a-grindin’! SCOTT RULES THE WORLD, DON’T EVER FORGET IT. The other guys find this hilarious, I’m jealous of Scott. The background music for all of this is some generic dance music, but it’s DAMN good. Jamie says her crush on John won’t go anywhere. Um... okay. But we haven’t talked about it all that much. I’d say the Kelly/Nick thing deserves more closure.

The next morning, the girlfriends leave, and Jamie says that Casey is someone she’d like, totally hang out with, like, for real. Like, you know? *shiver*

While all this mushy stuff is going on, it’s business at Trax, as Big confers with the trainers on who will be cut. The suspects:

Eric: Bill says that he understands that the harder he works, the farther he goes, but Eric is only working hard and not getting anywhere. So much for Randy Orton II: Electric Boogaloo.
Scott: Gets a scream of exasperation from Ivory, and Al says that his maturity and ability to follow directions are in question.
Nick: Ivory says that he showed how much of a pussy he was by showing up with a sling, and wondered what he’d do with a sore neck if he had to wrestle on Raw. Al says that he still possesses a lot of upside to him though.
Kelly: NOOOOOO!! Al says that she’d be great outside the ring, and Bill says that when you can’t take one good bump during seven hours of work, something is amiss.

It’s cut time, folks. Same as before, everyone stands up, and Al tells you to sit down if you are not cut. John expresses worry, since Big said Cuts, plural. Maybe three people would go down, who knows? More dramatic music and tension that makes you insane. JONAH IS TOLD TO SIT!! When Kelly, Nick, and Scott are all left, Al tells Kelly how she needs to improve, and tells her to sit. Whew. NICK IS CUT! TAKE THAT, CONCEITED MOTHERFUCKER!!! Nick felt his cut was unfair, boo hoo. Go jerk off with a brillo pad dipped in lemon juice and then have someone give you a vasectomy using nothing but meat tongs and a broken whiskey bottle. Go home, and good riddance. But WAIT! Scott’s still standing! Oh shit, no no no!!! Scott is told he needs to mature! He needs to learn to follow direction! HE SITS DOWN!!!!!! YAY!!!

Kelly says she won’t miss that sack of shit Nick at all, not in those words though. I (heart) Kelly. Big tells Nick that he still has a great look and great potential. Uh oh. He’d better not get in the Chris Nowinski route, because Nowinski deserved it, Nick’s just a puss.

NEXT WEEK: The UNTHINKABLE happens. Jonah lands incorrectly!! HE CAN’T TALK! TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

*cries and plays the Jonah anthem that he composed on Beat 2000 Techno Edition*

This week’s show was shorter than usual, ending at 10:25. I think they edited out the chairshot sessions, as Bill was shown with a chair, then DDP referenced them, and the group was all very sweaty and exhausted after DDP’s visit for some reason.

Please, send me feedback. I mean, penis enlargement E-mails are nice and all, but I’ve tried just about everything, and at this point people think I have a riot baton in my pants. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Patrick Spoon
Send Non-Penis Related Feedback Here, Unless You’re Female

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