TNA
The Smackdown Recap Lacking A Witty Title (4.29.04)
By Peter Kostka
Apr 29, 2004, 23:15

Hola. Thought I�d bailed out on you, did you? I apologize for my 3 month absence, but some �real life� issues that I really don�t need to get into right now (I only brought it up once on the forums, so you might know what I�m taking about), coupled with the fact that my old show, Confidential, was either a repeat, or a �new� episode with 2 new segments and 4 rehashed ones, just turned me off from recapping for a while. Everything seems to be going smoothly now, so here I am. I was actually planning to come back earlier in the month, but then I caught wind that Confidential was getting cancelled, so I decided �why bother?� Fortunately, the Powers that Be at TSM asked if I could lighten the load on JHawk and cover Smackdown for a while. I agreed, and here we are.

JHawk and I also talked it over and we agreed to do something a little different. Starting the first week of June, we will swap recapping duties for the month (JHawk going to SD, and me doing RAW) and then switch back in July, switch again in August, etc. It�ll keep things fresh for the both of us and give the readers a different perspective on things.

Guess that covers things, so let�s get on with it. I may be a bit rusty with this, so be gentle.

Previously Recorded in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Michael Cole and Tazz are at the table.

To the surprise of Cole and Tazz, Kurt Angle�s music hits and a wheelchair bound Angle is rolled down to ringside by Horshu of OVW fame. Guess he�s Kurt�s �muscle� now. WWE Sign Guy is in the crowd, prepared as always with a �Kurt gets good parking� sign. Not bad. The big guy (whose name is �Luther�, apparently) helps him into the ring as Kurt�s �near death� from a �25 foot� fall are whittled down to a broken leg and the usual �internal injuries,� where you seem to cough up blood at strange intervals. Kurt�s wrestling career, and his life by proxy, is over, he says. He sucked it up and came out because he wants the fans to know that he blames them for their bloodthirsty attitude (while throwing in a plug for that crappy �I�m Still Alive!� show), he blames the Big Show, and most of all he blames Torrie Wilson. Wouldn�t it be better to put most of the blame on the guy that dropped you? Kurt calls her out, but doesn�t want her music played or any other fanfare. Torrie makes her way out, apparently up to chapter 5 in the Jessica Simpson Guide to Expressions (concern). She steps into the ring and cowers in the corner (chapter 3 � Fear). Kurt orders Luther to bring her over to him and chastises her for being able to prance around the ring while he can�t have sex with his wife anymore. Kurt wants Torrie to suffer as much as he has, so he makes her match with Rene Dupree no-DQ (what, is he gonna throw the dog at her?), and its next!

Thoughts: Sure, Angle cut a pretty good emotional promo about his �forced retirement� (let�s see how long that lasts), but it was all to set up a no-DQ match between TORRIE WILSON and RENE DUPREE?! Yeesh.

- Commercials �

Torrie Wilson vs. Rene Dupree (w/Fifi)

Of course, this was all set up after last week�s events at Rene�s Caf�, where Torrie slapped Rene for calling her a �bitch.� Fifi is black this week, for those keeping score. Cole compares Rene to the French army, making all those �the French are good only for quitting� jokes officially pass�. Rene grabs a go-behind and takes Torrie down, following up with some French two stepping. Torrie tries a sunset flip, but Rene just sits on her, and Torrie counters by finishing the flip for 2. Torrie commences with the chick slapping and Rene presses her, but John Cena (in a Sooners jersey) runs in for the save and we forget the whole thing at just under a minute. No rating. Cena and Rene brawl a bit (with Cena fighting like Torrie would) and Rene pushes Torrie into Cena and bails. Cole bashes the French army again.

Thoughts: Well, there�s a minute that would have been better used as dead air. I wish the WWE braintrust would get it through their heads: WE DON�T WANT TO SEE TORRIE WRESTLE!! And is it me, or is Torrie getting blander by the week? It also looks like Cena�s becoming a face that does nothing but pander to the crowd for heat, which is kind of sad if you think about it.

- Commercials �

Hey, in case you had more important things to do, here�s what happened 5 minutes ago. Meanwhile, Dupree vents about Cena to Angle and Angle makes a US title match for Judgement Day. �I never believe I would say this, but I�m going to be proud to have a Frenchman as US champion.�

Nunzio vs�..

Oh, wait, some OOH, SCARY fog fills the ring and the lights go out and Taker�s gong sounds. Cole thinks this is a sign from the Undertaker. Ya THINK? Ok, no Taker, so we get on with�.

Nunzio vs. Chavo Guerrero � (w/ Chavo Sr.) Cruiserweight title match

Chavo Sr. distracts Nunzio which allows Chavo to jump him and dominate to start. Nunzio counters a hiptoss with one of his own and dropkicks Chavo out of the ring. He tosses Chavo back in, but eats a baseball slide. Back in, Chavo dropkicks him for a two count. Nunzio escapes a tilt-a-whirl and clotheslines Chavo down for 2. Nunzio goes up and hits a missile dropkick for another 2. Chavo Sr. hops onto the apron, but Nunzio gets a rollup for another 2. Nunzio gets shoved against the ropes on the kickout and Chavo Sr. delivers a cheap shot which allows Chavo to get the Gory Bomb for the win at 2:52. 2/10. Chavo grabs a mike and proclaims himself the greatest Cruiserweight champion of all time. But he�s getting bored with the competition so he issues an open challenge to any cruiser in the world to meet him next week for the title.

Thoughts: Well, what is there to give my thoughts on? With matches like that, no wonder Chavo is bored. And I�m getting this bad image about that open challenge next week. All I can see is body paint and hankies. I pray I am VERY wrong, but I doubt it.

- We take a look back at the Dudleys� heel turn and beating of RVD last week. And speak of the devil; RVD makes his way to the ring as we take a break. What, are they hoping we stay tuned to find out if RVD found the ring all right? On second thought, this IS RVD we�re talking about here.

- Commercials �

Thankfully, RVD did find the ring and demands the Dudleys� come to the ring, but Paul Heyman (this week simply a �Special VIP guest�) comes down instead. He calls RVD the victim of the Dudleys� taking the initiative, and that it could have been anybody that got the treatment RVD did last week. Heyman warns him that if he calls them out, he won�t get the �Corporately owned, everybody loves them Dudleys�, he�ll get the big, bad Dudleys. Sure enough, they come in through the crowd and commence the beatdown, but Eddie Guerrero comes in for the save. I smell a tag match.

Thoughts: Well, I like the Dudleys as heels more than as faces, so that�s a plus, but I don�t think we�ll get the Buh Buh that gets an �orgasmic� joy out of putting people through tables again. But at least they�re doing SOMETHING with RVD, instead of having him wallow in Midcard Hell like he did on RAW.

- Meanwhile, Josh Matthews asks Booker T about the Undertaker, and Booker vows to �slap the dead� off of his face.

-Commercials-

-Another Mordecai promo. Yeah, that guy�s gonna last.

- Heyman exits Kurt Angle�s office and tells the Dudleys that he was able to get an Eddie Guerrero vs. �The Dudley� match for tonight, and everyone not involved with the match (and is not a �Special VIP guest�) are banned from ringside. Well gee, he faced D-Von last week, I wonder which one he�ll face this week?

Booker T vs. Billy Gunn

Booker pounds away on Gunn to start, but Billy comes back with a hiptoss. He tries a whip, but Booker holds onto the arm and nails a kick and a neckbreaker for one. Gunn blocks a hiptoss and clotheslines Booker down. Gunn blocks a suplex and gets one of his own, leading to a double KO (about 2 minutes into the match). Gunn hits his One and Only thingy, but only gets 2. Lameasser attempt, but Booker kicks him in the face for 2. These guys are acting like they�ve been in there for 20 minutes. Booker escapes another attempt and goes for the Bookend, but Gunn escapes. He misses a corner splash, however, and Booker hits the scissors kick for the pin at a grueling 3:57. 3/10. The lights go out again and Taker�s music and smoke show starts again. Booker thinks it�s a false alarm, but Taker walks through the curtain, Paul Bearer in tow. Taker removes his hat and I never knew the guy had such a huge forehead. Methinks hell doesn�t stock Rogaine. Booker gets on the mic and says he doesn�t want any trouble tonight and goes to leave, but instead he grabs the urn from Bearer and clocks Taker. That proves to be a bad idea as Taker sits up and Booker heads for the hills.

Thoughts: Hey, nice of you to join us, Mark. All this hype about the �Return of the Dead Man� and this is the third time he�s shown up on TV since Wrestlemania (counting that appearance). The match, since it involved Billy Gunn, needs no explanation on why it sucked.

- Commercials �

- Luther wheels Kurt around backstage and Josh Matthews catches up with them. Kurt wants to be called �Mr. Angle� from now on, since he used �Kurt� when he was able to wrestle. So what is his real name? Jorge? Angle books Booker vs. Taker at Judgement Day. I saw that matchup at No Mercy 2001 and it sucked then, so there�s no reason why it won�t suck now. Ah, but Mr. Angle thinks Taker doesn�t appreciate the fact that he can still wrestle, unlike Angle, so Taker will be in action next week. Remember folks, KURT CAN�T WRESTLE ANYMORE! Just wanted to make it clear.

- We take a look at this week�s action on the RAW Rebound.

- Meanwhile, Charlie Hass seems to have misplaced his tights, so Rico tells him to use a pair of his. �Or, you could go out naked.�

- WWE welcomed home the troops at Fort Hood this past week. Ah, this would have been fine material for Confidential *tear*.

Rico and Hass � (w/Miss Jackie) vs. the Basham Brothers (WWE Tag Team title match)

Hey, what happened to Shaniqua? As you�d expect, Charlie�s tights look like something from Marty Janetty�s old Rocker collection. Rico wants Charlie to kiss his (Rico�s) stomach when he steps through the ropes, which is worth a chuckle. Rico and Danny start, and Rico immediately goes into his �unorthodox and flamboyant style� by spanking Danny during a lockup and riding Doug around the ring after a drop toe hold. Hass comes in to tell him to knock it off, but ends up in a doggie style position with Danny. Yeah, I�m sure he watches RAW and his former partner and has a good laugh over how he ended up. Hass finally tags in and we get to wrestling, but Doug comes in on a blind tag and sends Hass� shoulder into the post, getting a 2 count. He works over the arm and shoulder and tags in Danny, who keeps on it. Hass tries to come back with a backdrop, but Danny cuts off the tag. Hass tries again and gets it, and Rico ramps it up again, kicking both brothers and displaying more �flamboyancy� (including a simulated BJ), which leads to him kissing Danny and Hass hitting a german for the pin at 5:32 4/10. Rico does some hi-kicks to celebrate and wants a hug from Hass, but Hass wants no part of that.

Thoughts: I guess Rico�s antics amuse the crowd, but it would help if he toned it down just a little bit. The spanking and pony rides are fine, but the more sexual stuff (Hass and Danny�s �compromising position� and the simulated BJ) are a little too much. I see this pairing ending up two ways: either Hass gets sick of Rico and beats the hell out of him, or Rico successfully recruits Hass to his �team.� I�d hope for the former, only because it would give Hass some good heat.

- Commercials �

- Hey, in case you were out to dinner, here�s that Cena-Dupree fight again!

- John Brashaw Layfield promo, which comes off like some twisted presidential campaign ad. He�s in NYC, where his ancestors arrived LEGALLY to start a new life and where he came to build his fortune. Eddie�s ancestors snuck across the border in the dead of night, are taking jobs from hardworking people, and are forcing schools to teach Spanish since they won�t learn English. Capitalism is good, socialism is bad, so support Bradshaw for WWE champ, since he can change things by winning a wrestling title��..or something.

- Commercials, again �

Mr. Angle joins the commentary for our main event.

Eddie Guerrero vs. �The Dudley� (non-title match)

Hey, it�s Buh Buh Ray!! Who woulda thunk it? Eddie tries to talk to Angle, but Luther steps in between. D�Von distracts him and Buh Buh takes advantage to start. Eddie tries to fight back with some chops, but Buh Buh knees him to take control. Eddie gets a headscissors and a crossbody off the top for 2. Buh Buh hangs Eddie in the Tree of Woe and SMACKS him in the chest hard, but a splash hits the knees and Buh Buh dumps himself out of the ring on a charge. D�Von goes over to assist, and Eddie crossbodies both of them off the top. Everyone is out, so we take a break.

When we come back, Buh Buh as a sleeper on Eddie in the ring. He fights out of it, but Buh Buh shoves him to the mat for 2. Slugfest, and Buh Buh hits a neckbreaker for another 2. He slams Eddie and goes up, but the Fatassed Senton misses and Eddie Latino Heats up. He hits two of the vertical trifecta, but Buh Buh blocks it and the ref ends up getting bumped. Buh Buh Bomb gets a long 2. He tries another, but Eddie counters into a DDT. Legdrop, and Eddie feels froggy, but Buh Buh cuts him off and Heyman distracts the ref while D�Von goes up for the Dudley Device, but Eddie rolls Buh Buh up for the pin at 11:50 5/10. D�Von jumps Eddie, but RVD runs in and clears house, which leads to stereo Frog Splashes. Tazz asks Angle for his thoughts and he makes RVD/Eddie vs. The Dudleys for next week as we end the show.

Thoughts: Not too bad, but I�m not getting why Eddie should be involved in this angle while he�s already got something going with JBL. They couldn�t find another SD face to put here? Hell, ARE there any major SD faces outside Eddie and RVD?

Final Thoughts: Like the last few weeks, just a bunch of stuff slapped together with no rhyme or reason. I would think a major title match angle would take priority over Eddie farting around with RVD. The two brands have almost flip flopped over the last few months; RAW has all the good wrestling now while SD tries to use gimmicks and promos to cover the lack of wrestling. Judgement Day is going to need a miracle to put itself on the �passable� level.

Well, that was fairly painless. I�ll see you next week.

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