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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (4/22/2004)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Apr 22, 2004, 21:41
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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (4/22/2004)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
Hopefully my computer will keep running long enough to actually post this tonight.
E-Mail of the Week: Robert Schuschu sent me what might be a spoiler for tonight's SmackDown.
Hawk, I regularly check out a website called backstage wrestling.com and they give the spoilers for smackdown and what happens after the shows go off the air. One of the things they said was that supposedly after Smackdown went off the air Booker T came back out to the ring and announced he was the new general manager of Smackdown. I am going to assume then that Angle will be back to wrestling full time and will be a face once again. Also Hawk please print this note to Big Show in your next column, Kane called Show, he wants his gimmick back.
Not necessarily the best e-mail of the week, but I thought it'd be fun to compare that with actually happens tonight.
Forums Quote of the Week: I have a question... if you're so smart, why aren't you smarter than me? -IDrinkRatsMilk to FrigidSoul
Quick Cheap Plug: The TSM Mat Madness II tournament has hit the Elite Eight, and the voting is here. And the last I was told, registrations had been turned back on, so unless they were turned off again in the last 36 hours or so and you'd been previously unregistered and therefore unable to vote, now's your chance.
Tonight: Kurt Angle suffered some serious injuries after his fall last week, but he didn't die. He's still unlikely to show up, so let's see how things happen without a general manager. Also, Booker T meets Rob Van Dam in a rematch from last week, and Charlie Haas will have a mystery partner when he gets a shot at the WWE Tag Team Championship. Wow, some makeshift team getting a title shot. Like I didn't see that on Raw.
Segment 1
Last Thursday, The Big Show tossed Kurt Angle off of a "25-foot ledge".
Michael Coleslaw and Tazz go over Angle's injuries and say he won't be here tonight.
Taped 4/20/2004 from Kelowna (I think), British Columbia, Canada! Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty meet Charlie Haas and a mystery partner later tonight for the WWE Tag Team Titles! But first...
One fall: Rob...........Van..........Dam vs. Booker T
Last week, Booker T was disqualified when he refused to stop punching RVD when he was trapped in the ropes. But from main eventing to opening in one week? RVD immediately kicks Booker in the face and goes for the pescadoe, then pounds away at Booker on the floor. In the ring, the bell rings to officially start the match, and it's all RVD. Boot choke. Booker is partly out of the ring, so RVD hits a slingshot legdrop to send both men to the floor. Back in, and Booker finally gets some offense before RVD clotheslines him over the top rope. Back to the floor goes RVD. Spinning back kick, and back into the ring they go. Booker with forearms, but RVD comes back with a spinning heel kick for 2. A series of punches in the corner, but Booker stops him with a leg lariat. Clothesline. Cobra clutch. Sgt. Slaughter has been teaching him, I guess. RVD elbows out of it, then suplexes Booker down. RVD with some forearms and kicks, then with a springboard back kick. Bodyslam. Three corkscrew legdrops. Rolling Thunder, then up top for the Five Star Frog Splash...and some random pyro goes off to distract RVD, allowing Booker to get a roll up for the pin at 4:41. *
And out comes Your God And Mine Paul E. Heyman, and he's the only person who Vince McMahon can trust to take control. Heyman's here for one night only, and he has something planned for RVD.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I'm not sure what bothers me more...the fact that this only got five minutes when they wrestled more than twice that last week, or that Booker was essentially dominated before the cheap roll up. I did like RVD showing a more aggressive side than he usually does, but I couldn't really get into it.
Segment 2
Heyman likes that RVD is now "Mr. Thursday Night", and there's a reason they have a Thursday night show for RVD to be a part of...Paul Heyman. He's the one who made SmackDown into the crown jewel of WWE until the locker room turned on him. RVD wasn't part of that, so there's no ill will, but that's not the first time his reputation was "prostituted". Remember when he turned another nothing brand called ECW into a phenomenon? RVD has been disgracing ECW ever since he got here. Out come The Dudley Boyz. Bubba Ray stares Heyman down and tells him nothing can take away what he accomplished on SmackDown, but if he wants to bring up ECW, he can say it to the Dudleys as well. And this time, "be a man about it and say it to our faces." Heyman does and tells them Angle's first move was to bring in the Dudleys. Did they ever ask themselves why Heyman never tried to bring them over? Because when they came to WWE, they became caricatures of their former selves. When was the last time they did anything shocking? "At least Tazz was smart enough to get out of the ring when it was time. All you are now are Vince McMahon's domesticated pets." The monsters have been tamed. And D-Von punches RVD for no apparent reason. Maybe to be "shocking". And Bubba soon follows, and RVD is being double teamed. What follows is the most boring beatdown since Evolution quadruple teamed Mick Foley. When they're done, they ask how tame that was, and Heyman tells them it was a good start...but it was just a start.
Up next, the tag team titles are on the line.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
A boring beatdown, but a solid segment otherwise. We've all been talking about how stale the Dudley Boyz have become lately, and leave it to Paul Heyman to say so by calling them "caricatures of their former selves". A perfect description for it. Time will tell whether the heel turn is the cure for the Dudley Boyz' ills, but I agree with Heyman that it's a good start. It couldn't hurt them at this point.
Segment 3
Moments ago, The Dudley Boyz attacked Rob Van Dam.
One fall for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikishi (champions) vs. Charlie Haas and Rico (w/Miss Jackie)
I'd say this was the biggest letdown ever for a surprise, but I remember The Renegade's first WCW appearance. Rico starts and hands Haas the tag rope, and Haas reluctantly grabs it. Rico and Rikishi, former WWE Tag Team Champions together (remember that one?), start. Rico avoids the post-whip butt bump...and...umm...I don't wanna describe that one. Rico is able to avoid Rikishi's sitdown counter of a sunset flip thanks to some...unorthodox tactics...and in comes Scotty. Rico blows kisses. He tries to dump Scotty over the top, but Scotty skins the cat...only to get a spanking of sorts from Rico. Haas tags in, Rico squeezes his cheeks, and Scotty rolls Haas up for 2. Finally we get some actual wrestling...well, moreso than we were...and Scotty rams Haas' crotch into the ringpost. Rico tries to help out, but it's a double noggin knocker from Scotty. Mounted punches in the corner, and Rico with some scratching to help Haas out. A series of punches, followed by a ropeburn. Scotty avoids a backdrop and gets a small package for 2, but Haas comes back with a clothesline. Blind tag, and Rico pretends to be the chick from the Girl Next Door before covering for 2. Haas in, Scotty avoids a suplex and tags Rikishi, and Rikishi is in control. Headbutt. Avalanche, and Haas falls in the corner. Rico pulls Haas out of the ring...and not only sits in the corner, but puts lip gloss on. Rikishi goes "why not" and does the Stick Face, and Rico likes it! Haas back in, and he walks into a superkick. Scotty tags in. Bulldog, but Rico kisses Scotty before the Worm, Jackie distracts Rikishi, and Haas gets a rolling cradle to Scotty for the pin at 7:15. 1/2* Haas celebrates until he realizes who his partner is (Rico even hugs him) and reluctantly hands one of the belts over.
Later tonight, the debut of Cafe de Rene with special guest Torrie Wilson, who was affected by The Big Show's actions last week. Let's show it again because this match didn't insult your intelligence enough.
John Bradshaw Layfield thanks Heyman for helping him see the light a month or so ago. Heyman tells him that at the airport today, "El Gran Luchadore", the "Mexican champion", punked him out. Bradshaw didn't want to do anything at the airport post-911, so since El Gran Luchador wants him so badly, he can have that match next. Bradshaw says Eddy should wrestle as well, so Heyman starts to sign a title match until Bradshaw butts in. It's gonna be Eddy vs. The Dudley ("The thing about the Dudleys is they all look alike") later tonight.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
This was just disturbing. It was passable (and only barely) when it was Haas vs. Scotty, and just silly when Rico was in the ring at all. And in this case, silly is not a positive word. Now we've got another makeshift team holding the titles with no real legitimate contenders to them forthcoming, and we're wasting the talent of both Haas and Rico while we're doing it. (Before you send that "Rico's never shown anything" e-mail, watch his OVW stuff. He can go when he's allowed to.)
Segment 4
One fall: John Bradshaw Layfield vs. El Gran Luchadore (Mexican Heavyweight Champion)
Earlier today, Luchadore cut a promo in Spanish. Luchadore uses his quickness to avoid Bradshaw early, but Bradshaw soon uses his power to keep him at bay. Kicks, chops, punches, and forearms by JBL. Delayed vertical suplex. Kick to the back. Chops. Punch. Snap mare. Elbowdrop. *yawn* Sorry, but this is better than Sominex. Corner whip, but Bradshaw runs into a boot. Flying headscissors. Dropkick. Moonsault bodyblock for 2. Springboard bodyblock is stopped by Bradshaw catching him and taking him down with the Last Call for 2...and JBL lets him up. Power bomb for 2, and Bradshaw lets him up again. He lays down for Luchadore to get a near fall, then hits the Clothesline from Hell to mercifully win this one after 4:32. The highest I can possibly rate this one is 1/4*, and if not for the moonsault I wouldn't go that far.
Up next, the debut of Cafe de Rene.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
The basic point behind this one was to have Bradshaw beating up on a Mexican to set up his match with Eddy Guerrero at Judgment Day. I suppose I should be happy that they didn't bring in some guy fans might have actually heard of (like La Parka) to play the role, but I was bored for most of the match. Matches like that make you beg for those old Wrestling Challenge opening matches.
Segment 5
Still to come, Eddy Guerrero vs. one of the Dudley Boyz.
Cafe de Rene Dupree
Is the accordion player necessary? Dupree wishes Kurt Angle a quick recovery and demands a moment of silence for him. That kind of cheapens the moment of silence for the next time some WWE legend dies. Anyway, Cafe de Rene is being done to bring some class to SmackDown. Can we get on with it? Roddy Piper didn't need five minutes to explain what Piper's Pit was about. We finally introduce Torrie Wilson as Dupree's guest. Tazz: "Hot women, poodles, and accordions. You gotta love it." Sure Tazz, whatever you say. Dupree pours some wine. We're here to talk about Diva Magazine, but he wants to know why Torrie was laughing when Big Show walked by. Torrie denies she was laughing at Big Show and wants to talk about the magazine, and she apparently wants to play dumb. Maybe she's not playing. Dupree essentially blames her for Angle's injuries. While he yells at her, let me just say that Fifi's got a better view of Torrie Wilson than anyone else in the building. Dupree says Fifi's not the only bitch in the ring, so she slaps him, and he throws wine into her eyes. He goes for that finishing move of his, but in comes John Cena Th.D. to make the save, destroying the set while he's at it.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
This was pretty much exactly what I expected, and pretty much exactly what this sort of segment should do...build to some sort of program. Not really much else to say. I didn't hate the segment, but I didn't like it either. It served its purpose though.
Segment 6
Handicap Match scheduled for one fall: John Cena Th.D. (WWE United States Champion) vs. Chavo Guerrero Sr. and Chavito Guerrero (WWE Cruiserweight Champion)
And while we have this rematch, Nunzio still waits for his cruiserweight title shot. Chavo Jr. vs. Cena to start. Chavito with a side headlock, which is reversed by Cena. Chavo out of it, but Cena with a hiptoss. Armdrag takedown, and Chavito rolls outside for a Tastykake break. Back in, and Cena tosses him some nuts. That joke got real old real quick. Cena with a shoulderblock, and he knocks Sr. down for good measure, but it gives Jr. a chance to gain control. Whip, Sr. with a knee to the back, and Jr. with a dropkick for 2. Tag to Sr., who does some stomps. One shot by Cena, and Sr. tags Jr. in. European uppercut. Quick tags by the Chavos, who do a number on Cena. Chavito runs into a sidewalk slam. Chavito misses an enzuigiri, and Cena drops an elbow. Side slam, Five Knuckle Shuffle, pump up the shoes, and Chavo Sr. prevents the F-U. Cena gives Chavo Sr. the F-U, so Chavo Jr. dumps Cena to the outside...and Rene Dupree runs out and rams Cena into the ringpost. In the ring, Chavo Jr. hits the brain buster for the pin at 5:41. 3/4*
Paul Heyman tells Torrie Wilson that what Dupree did was reprehensible. He's going to fix Dupree up for good, because he's made the appropriate phone calls to set up Rene Dupree vs. Torrie Wilson for next week. Are they trying to get this show cancelled?
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I wasn't a fan of the 1-on-1 match last week, and I'm not a fan of this match this week. Does anybody actually look good coming out of this one? Possibly Dupree, but even that's a stretch. So we get a nothing match, and we set up a match that has no business being signed for next week. If Torrie's not going to be strictly a manager, then take her off TV already. I don't want her wrestling just because you have a Divas magazine and DVD coming out.
Segment 7
Another Mordecai vignette provides what may be the first use of the word "whoremonger" in WWWFE history.
Booker T wants to make something clear. He's a big star. Just two months ago, people paid to see Booker T do the Spinnaroonie. They sang along with "sucka". Why? Because he was a star on Raw...but now he's a megastar on SmackDown. He's going to help bring SmackDown up to the level of Booker T. As long as it's not down to the level of Ernest Miller. Soon, Booker will be the most famous man in America. And cue the gong, because apparently The Undertaker wants to make Booker T famous by way of a blue light.
Check out the Raw Rebound if you missed this week's Raw.
Up next, Eddy Guerrero vs. one of the Dudley Boyz.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Correct me if I'm wrong (and I don't think I am), but wasn't Booker T vs. The Undertaker kind of mediocre back at No Mercy 2001? And wasn't that when both men were two or three years younger and suffering through fewer injuries? I like the direction they decided to take with Booker T though. He's resigned himself to the fact he's on SmackDown, so thanks to his inflated ego, he feels he needs to help improve SmackDown. Fine with me, as it merely implies SmackDown's the inferior brand rather than flat out saying it, allowing the fan to decide whether Booker T is full of it or not.
Segment 8
Earlier tonight, we crowned new WWE Tag Team Champions.
Josh Mathews interviews Rico and Haas. It's one of the happiest days of his life. Haas get his ass smacked and says he's happy...until Jackie says she didn't do it. Rico: "You know Charles, I think this is going to be one fabulous relationship."
Non-Title Match scheduled for ne fall: "The Dudley" (w/the other Dudley and Paul E. Heyman) vs. Eddy Guerrero (WWE Champion)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I have nothing to say about that interview.
Segment 9
Bubba Ray Dudley is Eddy's opponent....actually, it's D-Von, as he attacks from behind. Forearms to the back. Eye gouge. Choke against the ropes. Forearms. Right hands by Eddy, but down he goes thanks to a BAAAAAAAACK bodydrop (tm Vince McMahon). Knee choke. He dumps Eddy outside the ring, and here comes Bubba Ray with a clothesline. In the ring, and a near fall for D-Von Dudley. Delayed vertical suplex for 2. Punches. Eddy coming back with elbows. D-Von reverses a corner whip and clotheslines Eddy for 2. Into a neck vice. Eddy fights his way out of it. Eddy ducks a clothesline, and D-Von tumbles over the top rope. Eddy follows him to the floor and pounds away at D-Von, sending him into the ringpost. Bubba distracts Eddy, so D-Von rams Eddy into the post. Brian Hebner calls for the double countout at 4:40, but Heyman announces there will be a winner and orders the bell to ring for the restart.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
And the sad thing is, I'd almost prefer the double countout ending. It's basically been a handicap match, and really kind of a boring one at that. Maybe things will pick up.
Segment 10
Sleeperhold by D-Von. Eddy breaks it with a back suplex. D-Von runs into an elbow, and it's a series of shoulderblocks for the champion. Rana off the top for 2. A series of punches, then into the mounted punch count along, but D-Von takes Eddy off the turnbuckle with a reverse neckbreaker. Swinging neckbreaker for 2. Back to the sleeperhold. Forearms to the midsection by Eddy, but D-Von comes back with a flying elbow smash, and the ropes are the only thing preventing the pin. Another sleeper by D-Von (actually more of a reverse chinlock). Eddy breaks it with an inverted atomic drop, then follows up with a clothesline for 2. A series of counters, and Eddy runs into a boot. D-Von misses a flying elbowdrop, and Eddy is up top, but D-Von catches him and takes him down with a superplex for 2. Bodyslam. Eddy rolls away from the diving headbutt. Punches by D-Von. Eddy does a version of the hulk-up and takes the offensive. Elbows. Clothesline. Rolling vertical suplexes. Bubba on the apron, and Eddy brings him in and knocks him back out of the ring. Eddy avoids D-Von's clothesline, but D-Von gets a small package, and Bubba gives D-Von enough leverage to get the pin at 16:43. *1/4 In comes Bradshaw, and he power bombs Eddy. Bradshaw waits for him to get up...and takes him back down with the Clothesline from Hell. Stand on that turnbuckle and celebrate.
END OF SHOW
This match shows you the difference between each brand's World Title picture. Raw might be providing the same three guys at the top of the card for the fourth month running, but we're getting good matches out of it. SmackDown, on the other hand, is putting different guys into the main event scene...but outside of Eddy we're not getting too many people that can put on matches that suck the crowd in. The key is to put both ideas together on both shows and get good matches with a variety of guys at the top of the card.
Overall, the show started off well enough but degenerated into another ho-hum effort. Not that the matches were any good at all, but Heyman's promo pretty much single-handedly had me sucked in by the end of the second segment. Too bad a combination of bad matches and nothing segments killed off any momentum they might have had. These shows need to get a lot more interesting soon, or Judgment Day could draw the worst buyrate in years.
Anybody else notice that the streak of bad shows started when Heyman first left the GM position? Too bad this one wasn't much better even with Heyman as the one night GM.
I suppose you could drop some feedback, but that would probably require watching the entire show, and somehow I doubt most of you did.
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