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From TheSmartMarks.com TNA Raw from JHawk's Beak (7/11/2005) I'm back, bitches! Hopefully we'll be able to get these out on time beginning next week. Things are kinda hectic around here. Anyway, it's time like these I wonder about the sanity of the people in charge of WWE. Any company that will fire Jim Cornette for trying to keep some semblance of kayfabe and fire half the cruiserweights to save money for the diva search winner but still finds a way to keep Jon Heidenreich and Sharmell gainfully employed has some issues that even Sigmund Freud can't analyze properly. Tonight: Will Shawn Michaels tell us why he superkicked Hulk Hogan's teeth in? Who will be eliminated from the Raw Diva Search (and will anybody care)? And will tonight's scheduled match between Kane and Edge avoid sucking a big fat one? There's only one way to find out, isn't there? Segment 1 Last week, Shawn Michaels superkicked Hulk Hogan after they defeated Carlito and Kurt Angle in a tag team match. LIVE from the Continental Airlines Arena in East Rutherford, New Jersey! Sign in the crowd: "I finally like HBK." Carlito makes his way to the ring. Carlito's Cabana opens the show? Now that's cool. Apparently we've got another rematch with Carlito and Shelton Benjamin coming up, but remember when Hulk Hogan was Carlito's guest last week? The fireworks always happen in the Cabana, so let's get some answers from Shawn Micha--Chris Jericho? What the hell? A nice chant for Jericho, and even a Fozzy sign, and Carlito offers to allow Jericho the chance to watch how one of these segments works. He even offers him an apple. But Jericho's out here to try to prove the Highlight Reel is better than the Cabana, since he had John Cena last week and everything. They begin arguing over who will get to interview Shawn Michaels, then over who's in better shape and who has better taste in clothes. And thankfully they don't get to the dick waving before Roddy Piper makes his way ringside. OK, I'll admit this is surprising. The original is Piper's Pit, and later tonight, that's exactly where we'll actually hear from Shawn Michaels. Are we sure this time? Tonight, Carlito defends the Intercontinental Title against Shelton Benjamin. Somebody's getting eliminated from the Raw Diva Search. And Kane meets Edge. COMMERCIAL BREAK OK, it took them forever to get to Piper's appearance, and all that just to say that Shawn Michaels will be appearing like an hour or so later than we originally thought. But hey, I'm always up for Roddy Piper to work the mic, as he's always entertaining as hell when he stays away from the ring. Who knows if the segment's actually going to be interesting or not, but it's sure going to get people talking. Segment 2 Highlights of Raw's house show tour of the Orient. Chris Masters makes his way to the ring. Speaking of guys who should have lost their jobs in a week where Charlie freaking Haas got fired... One fall: Chris Masters vs. Tajiri Yoshihiro This is based off of two weeks ago, when Tajiri sprayed Masters in the face with green mist after losing the Masterlock Challenge. Tickets for SummerSlam go on sale on Saturday. Tajiri slides into the ring, but Masters stomps him coming in and begins pounding away at Tajiri. A nice belly-to-belly suplex, then right back to the brawling. Tajiri comes back with kicks, and he targets the knees to keep Masters down before handspringing Masters off the apron to the floor. Spinning heel kick for 2. Handspring elbow for 2. Sunset flip for 2. Masters blocks a tornado DDT, but a back kick takes the Masterpiece down for 2. Going for the tarantula, but Masters slams him onto his face to counter before locking the Masterlock for the win in 3:10. Shawn Michaels gets a cup of coffee. COMMERCIAL BREAK Actually not too bad, mostly to Tajiri actually getting some offense in. I was expecting maybe one fluke near fall before Masters wound up getting an easy victory. Instead, Masters actually looked vulnerable against a clear underdog. That is actually going to be the key to Masters getting over...he has to look vulnerable while still getting the wins. Segment 3 Edge and Lita are watching the wedding video, conveniently at the point that an incoming Gene Snitsky read a poem. Fast forward to them teasing the Matt Hardy appearance. Anyway, Edge has a match with Kane tonight, and apparently Snitsky has a foot fetish. So here's the deal: Snitsky helps Edge, Snitsky gets to do whatever with Lita's feet. Am I really watching this? Coach, Good Ol' JR, and The King show footage of a bloodied Triple H being carted away from the cell at Vengeance. He won't be back anytime soon. But we'll see an Intercontinental Title match after the break. COMMERCIAL BREAK Well, I'll try to remain positive tonight since I'm looking forward to the next match and say this: Better a foot fetish than a dead cheerleader fetish. Segment 4 One fall for the WWE Intercontinental Championship: Carlito vs. Shelton Benjamin Benjamin with the advantage early, keeping Carlito down for the opening minute. Snap suplex for 2. Carlito's chop has no effect on his challenger, and Benjamin dropkicks Carlito for a near fall. Inside cradle for 2. Carlito ducks a clotheslines and hits a dropkick. Benjamin kips up, Carlito goes "Oh shit" and rolls to the floor for a Tastykake break, but Benjamin baseball slides him into the guardrail. COMMERCIAL BREAK Pretty good so far, actually. Benjamin has an early advantage because he's determined to regain the title that was stolen from him, and he's got Carlito backing away to buy time. Simple storytelling building to Carlito's eventual offensive flurry. Segment 5 Benjamin tries to elbow out of a sleeper but gets sent to the outside. Carlito follows, using the barricade as a weapon. Carlito rolls him back into the ring and covers for 2, then continues to go to work on the back. Chinlock with a knee to the back for leverage. Elbowdrop for 2. Another chinlock. Benjamin again elbows out, but Carlito takes him down. Boot choke. Choke against the ropes. A cover for 2. Back to the reverse chinlock. Shelton finally comes back, getting a series of near falls. Carlito with a kick to stop that, then a beautiful DDT for a count of 2. Carlito goes for a suplex, but Benjamin lands on his feet and takes him down with a neckbreaker, earning a near fall. Yet another near fall. olling cradle, Carlito reverses and uses the tights, but only for 2. Carlito with a superplex for...only 2! A desperate and frustrated Carlito brings the title belt into the ring, and referee Chad Patton removes it from carlito and the ring. Carlito runs into a Samoan drop, then tries to go for the belt again, but Shelton grabs the hair to avoid it. They tease the inside out suplex until Benjamin hits the Dragon Whip to knock the champion off the apron. The count reaches 8, and Carlito grabs the belt and walks away, giving Shelton the countout victory (but not the title) at 13:40. Eric Bischoff and John Cena are yelling at each other backstage. COMMERCIAL BREAK A very good match there, although Carlito slowed it down a minute or two too long in the middle there. One thing I'll never understand is the insistence of WWE to take the commercials when things are getting interesting, then subjecting us to five minutes of restholds after we sat through three minutes of commercials for shit we don't need. A great, hot finish, and a logical way to continue the feud, as Carlito's gotten two cheap victories and has now intentionally gotten himself counted out since he apparently can't get a clean win over Benjamin. Segment 6 What were Cena and Bischoff arguing about? Let's find out, as the champ is hitting the ring. Just when I was starting to enjoy the show too. Anyway, Bischoff doesn't like Cena breaking the rules, and Cena is angry about Jericho saying he beat up Cena on the Highlight Reel last week. Cena calls Jericho out, but gets Bischoff instead. What is it with people coming out in place of other people tonight? Bischoff tells Cena the title gets defended when Bischoff says to defend it. Rules is rules, and them's the rules. And had Cena not stiffarmed Bischoff when he first got there, he'd know that. Cena tells Bischoff that he'll be buried if he physically threatens him, and now it's time for Jericho's second non-wrestling appearance of the night. But Bischoff stops him too. Again, titles are defended as Bischoff wants them, so this one's going to wait until SummerSlam. Jericho approves of that, and he calls Cena out, saying he's cheapening the value of the WWE Title by simply holding it. Thugs shouldn't hold the title. Wait a second. Jericho getting a one-on-one title shot? That doesn't even happen when they pretend to push Jericho. Jericho promises to be a bigger star than Cena ever will, and Cena decides to mock him and tell him to get off his own [muted] instead. Cena once again asks to settle it right here, but there ain't no money or title at stake, so no freaking way. Cena assumes Jericho and Bischoff are in cahoots, so he F-Us Bischoff instead. Shawn Michaels will be on Piper's Pit later tonight. The diva search continues next. COMMERCIAL BREAK I'm liking the cocky Chris Jericho, as he was able to get his points across without completely burying Cena. Sure, he said he didn't deserve the title, but he said it was because of his look, not his in-ring ability. Honestly, my biggest gripe with this segment is Cena giving Bischoff the F-U for no reason other than...get this...he can't lose his title for at least another month. Seriously, that's his only motivation. And here I thought that would be a favor instead of a hindrance. Interesting. COMMERCIAL BREAK Segment 7 Coach and Christy Hemme are ready for the Diva Search Talent Competition, but first, the elimination. Elisabeth is safe, but Alexis is not. She seems awfully damn happy for someone who finished last. Anyway, we have 60 seconds for the divas to show off their talent. Ashley has actually been learning to wrestle, and she demonstrates with a monkey flip on Chisty Hemme. Layla wants Earl Hebner in the ring after throwing the towel on her after her nip slip, and she does a dance routine for him...finishing it with a low blow. That's for disqualifying her last week, even though it was Coach who actually made the call. Summer does some backflips and splits. Dammit, this is WWE, not Olympic gymnastics. She gets a pop though. Krystal does a "self-portrait", aka body painting. That takes absolutely zero talent...pour paint on yourself and lay on a sheet. Elisabeth dances whiles dressed like a sexy porn cop. Oh, and she spanks Christy's ass after hancuffing her to steal votes. This segment's killed the crowd. Simona does her fantasy instead of her talent...showing how Simona: Warrior Chick would defend herself against evil men. She even kisses Coach and doesn't die. Cameron, dressed as a porn teacher, does a striptease for Christy. And Christy's enjoying it more than the live crowd is. I'll give it to Ashley for actually realizing that it's a wrestling contract she's shooting for here. COMMERCIAL BREAK *yawn* I wish I could fast forward through this shit. Segment 8 Kurt Angle Invitational: Kurt Angle vs. Matt Martel Angle explains the rules for those of you who never saw SmackDown. This is the Matt Striker who got fired for taking a sick day to work a SmackDown taping. Angle even calls him out for it, and for also claiming to be from Philadelphia back in February. Angle goes to an arm wringer, working the left arm. Armbar submission. 2:00 to go. European uppercut. And a series of them now. Back suplex. Martel comes back with a series of blows and a big boot, but Angle takes him down with a belly-to-belly suplex. He goes for the Ankle Lock, but Striker shoves him into the ringpost, and Striker is immediately staying in the ring to kill time. Angle reenters the ring, and Striker woks him in the corner. Striker shoves Angle to avoid the Angle Slam and gets a low blow, but Angle quickly gets the Ankle Lock to get the submission at 2:59...one second before losing the medals. Excellently timed, but what a crock of shit. Kane gets stopped by Todd Grisham, who asks for his thoughts on the match. Kane laughs. Lita and Edge walk backstage...and holy shit, that's Matt Hardy attacking him! About goddamn time! COMMERCIAL BREAK Looking at the replay, Striker cost himself (by kayfabe terms) by looking at the clock, and the distraction led to the ankle lock. But you'd think with him knowing the time having looked at the clock, he'd have held off for three fucking seconds. Other than that, I actually loved the segment, as somebody came *that close* to getting Angle. And if someone ever gets Angle, we could be seeing a superstar in the making. Matt freaking Hardy! Sweet! Segment 9 One fall: Edge (w/Lita) vs. Kane Edge with some punches, but Kane goes right back into the boots. Edge quickly heads back to the leg of Kane's to try to keep him down. Kane is quickly back in control. Side slam. Flying clothesline. Out of the ring Kane goes, and he's got Lita by the throat, and that brings Snitsky out for the DQ at 1:58. He grabs a chair, but Kane boots him and takes him into the crowd. They brawl....and there's Matt Hardy again, and even with security trying to separate them he's getting some shots in. He grabs a mic and says he'll make "Adam" and "Lita, you whore"'s lives miserable before saying WWE can kiss his ass, and that comment brings out cops. He gets an ROH plug as they handcuff him, and he tells Johnny Ace to kiss his ass on the way back. COMMERCIAL BREAK OK guys, I'll tell you exactly why this worked, and it has nothing to do with me being on Matt Hardy's side in this one. I was sitting here watching this show with my fiancee. And my loving fiancee, who thought Stevie Richards' chair shot to JBL looked fake, has been sitting here going "There's no way that was planned." That is how to effectively work real life into an angle. Segment 10 The announcers are very careful to call tonight "wild" but move on without mentioning names. And now back to the footage from last week's main event. Cue the bagpipes, as we're getting ready for Piper's Pit. COMMERCIAL BREAK Nothing to say here. Please move on. Segment 11 Piper wastes no time bringing out Michaels. Well, if you don't count the commercial break. Piper asks flat out why Michaels superkicked Hogan last week and "took the cheap way out". And for the last 20 years, HBK's only intention was to leave the fans with something they'd never forget. And he literally broke his back delivering that. He heard the chants of "One more match" when Hogan was inducted into the Hall of Fame, so he decided to "sacrifice" himself to give us that wish. Um...what do you call Backlash? Or last week? This is like four more matches though. Basically, Shawn wants to be Hogan's last match, and he wants it at SummerSlam. Piper then grabs the microphone from him and says Shawn hasn't answered the question. "These fans made you four time WWE Champion. They never left you." Shawn used to ask Piper how to get into main events, and Piper told him how to because he was worth it. Are those seats out of the ring? But Piper is ashamed of him after last week. Why ruin a reputation like Hogan's? Shawn says his answer is what he's already stated, and he tries to leave, but Piper tells him not to walk away. Piper claims the real answer is that Shawn's a coward...and Shawn superkicks Piper in the side of the head. Michaels simply looks down at him before walking out. END OF SHOW Seriously, that's the excuse? "I wanted to give you fans Hogan's last match?" No jealousy over everybody saying Hogan's the greatest ever when Michaels was always the better athlete? Something? Bah. The Hogan-Michaels match will likely draw (hell, I want to see it just because we've never seen it outside of briefly in a Royal Rumble or two), so I guess it doesn't matter too much, but damn. Anyway, actually a pretty decent show overall (and ten times better than last week's debacle. A very good Intercontinental Title Match, the goodness that was the Matt Hardy run-in, and some pretty solid angle development as Raw begins pushing their half of SummerSlam. I just hope the build to SummerSlam doesn't completely take away from SmackDown's build to the Great American Bash. What am I saying? The buildup to the Great American Bash is taking from SmackDown's build to the Great American Bash. Feedback at the usual addy. © Copyright by TheSmartMarks.com |