TNA
Raw from JHawk's Beak
By Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
Feb 10, 2003, 23:25

Raw from JHawk's Beak (2/10/2003)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

"I stand for wrestling, cause that's what I do best. But if you want to fix it up and you want to have a fist fight, I can run faster, I can jump higher, I can do everything better than you! Know why? Cause I am what I say I am: Absolutely...PERFECT." -"Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig (1958-2003)

I had planned on linking you guys to an Onion article here, but around 6:00 this evening I got the news of Curt Hennig's untimely death. I was joking around online with a friend and checking my e-mail, and there it was. It's a sad day for professional wrestling. To think, just this morning I was watching a tape of an old Madison Square Garden house show where a young Curt Hennig not only looked really in shape, but was coming off the top rope with missile dropkicks. In his prime, there were only a handful of guys who could come anywhere close to competing on his level. The man was that good! This column is dedicated to Mr. Perfect so all the great memories he's given me over the years. A moment of silence please for our ten bell salute.


DING!

DING!

DING!

DING!

DING!

DING!

DING!

DING!

DING!

DING!


Thank you. I know it doesn't quite have the same effect, but unfortunately, it's the best you can do in print. Some other Hennig comments can be found here and here for sure, as well as lots of other places on the internet by now.

E-mail of the Week: I actually had a tough call to make this week as I got a ton of great e-mails, but the one that's stuck with me for most of the week came from Jesse Bowden:

As i sit and watch the wwf( i dont acknowledge name changes, especially this lame one) fail i have come to some observations. first off i just finished rereading have a nice day because i was bored and really had nothing better to do. what i foudn interesting is how much has changedin only about 2-3yrs..foley has a line in the book where he states how he and austin were at one time below marc mero and there were limited oppotunities for them, but were later able ascend to the top of the company. his statement compared wwf to wcw saying that in wcw once you had a certain spot you didnt move up out of that spot, but in the wwf there was the oppotunity to improve your star. as anyone can see this isnt happening for some reason. This leads to my next point which is from a multi part article from the now defunct WOW magazine website. the article examined the old wcw wwf wars. primarily of interest is the authors reason for why wwf fell to wcw for a while. basically it was the idea that "the clique" had vince's ear and he turned his back on people who had been there loyally supporting him, most notably bret hart. i think we can see a similar situation has occurred again w/ HHH, and even though i like him and nash and those other guys on screen, i know behind the scenes they are limiting the product. Vince needs to get control again and listen to who the fans want and find new stars b/c his biggest stars are leaving(rock) or getting run down, most everybody left at the top except angle, benoit and lesnar. also it would probably be good if nwa-tna were able to move to major network and run opposite RAW, like nitro used to do. they need the competition to be vital again.

Some good points about WCW's downfall and the current state of WWE, particularly when it comes to the inmates running the asylum. Another key thing to remember comes from Ted DiBiase (paraphrased but fairly accurate): "In between the first big run and the second big run, Vince stopped listening to other people's ideas and just did what he wanted to do." Well, apparently it's 1995 all over again, and unless Vince McMahon realizes that and realizes it now, there might not be a third big run for Vince to rebound into.

As always, if you want to be immortalized in the e-mail of the week (or if you have issues with me), the feedback address is at the bottom of this article.

Sometimes it's not what you say, but how people interpret it: I got more than one e-mail during the week blasting me for my opinion on Triple H's injury, some of them accusing me of thinking Hunter was faking the injury. First off, I never once said I thought the injury was fake. However, I have two points. One, it's obvious he didn't need the crutch except to maybe climb in and out of the ring, because he never once used it either in the ring or in the skybox. And two, legit injury or not, he would have gotten his ass kicked off of Tough Enough if he tried to use it as an excuse. At any rate, Hunter needs to job that title off no later than WrestleMania, because it doesn't do the credibility of the title or the entire Raw brand any good for him to sit out weeks at a time with a different injury every month.

Tonight: Bischoff's grace period is done two days early, and even though the countdown goes off at exactly 9 p.m. Eastern, I'd be willing to wager that he'll get to the end of the show. Also, RVD and Kane vs. 3 Minute Warning, Jazz vs Molly Holly, and Test vs. Christian. Sounds...um...we'll see, I guess.

Segment 1

Graphic: "In memory of Curt Hennig "Mr. Perfect" (1958-2003)".

A video package chronicles the last four weeks of Eric Bischoff's life.

We are LIVE from the Staples Center in Los Angeles, California! Pyro! Signs! Large breasted women jumping up and down! You gotta love Raw!

And we waste no time as Easy E makes his way to the top of the ramp. He has not heard from Steve Austin, so he's still not confirmed for No Way Out. Vince McMahon is on his way, and Bischoff thinks he may be fired once he's there. But he assures us that he's done everything in his power to sign Austin. And he's kissing up to the crowd because they're not Texans (his words, not mine). So Bischoff asks the crowd to let Vince know that they appreciate his hard work. "I'm not ASKING for your support, I'm TELLING you you're going to support me!" I don't think it works that way. In that case, Bisch still has power until Vince shows up, so he's doing whatever he wants to do...and he's headed to Good Ol' JR and The Pharaoh. JR's been hopeful that Austin will sign with Raw, but because JR and Austin are such good friends, JR could have done more if he really wanted. In fact, Bisch is blaming JR for Austin not showing up. JR brings up how Bisch fired Austin in WCW because he would never amount to anything. Bisch says Austin deserved it, and maybe JR does too, so until JR brings Austin in..."YOU'RE FIRED!" And NOW a limo pulls into the parking garage.

----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------

Well, I'm a JR fan, so if he's trying to drum up heel heat with this then he's got it from me, but I liked the segment. You've got Bischoff fearing for his job and his very livelihood, so he's trying to assert what little authority he has left. So this is actually some pretty good storytelling. Somehow I get the feeling that JR's got his job back by the end of the night.

Segment 2

During the break, Bisch ran like hell to the limo...but it's just Hungry Hungry Hippos and the rest of the Four HOSS!men.

One fall: Test (w/My Future Wife) vs. ChrisTIAN

The Test-Jericho match has been officially signed for No Way Out, but King's struggling through the announcement because JR hasn't been replaced yet. So King hypes his book signing and claims it's one of JR's favorite books. Last week, Jericho "apologized" to Test by having Christian jump him, thus leading to this match. Christian with some punches to start, then he goes for the left arm. Short clothesline by Test. Series of corner elbows, and lots of kicks. Corner whip into a backdrop. Nash-style boot choke in the corner. Christian uses the top rope to regain the advantage, and a swinging neckbreaker gets 2 as Coach takes JR's job. Test punches back and takes Christian down with a clothesline. Knee to the midsection, and he wants the pumphandle, but Christian counters it into an inverted DDT for 2. Flying bodypress attempt, but Test catches him and presses him to the mat. Missing the big boot, and Christian avoids the Test Drive. But Test avoids the Unprettier and gets the full nelson slam for the win at 3:06. *1/4 Postmatch, Christian hits the Unprettier from behind. And he goes after Stacy! And Mr. Extreme comes out to make the save, and he nails Christian with the guardrail clothesline. So much for that heel turn.

JR is on a cell phone, and I'm assuming he's looking for Austin.

----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------

HHHater Clock: One segment, 35 seconds.

I'm confused about one thing here. If we have a Jericho-Test match signed for No Way Out, then why wasn't Jericho involved in there somewhere? Jeff Hardy can come out and save Stacy, which fits in with Hardy's promo last week (kind of) but doesn't build to the pay-per-view as far as I know, but Jericho doesn't even make an appearance to build the PPV match? Forget the napkin, I think somebody wrote that on his arm during the cab ride to the arena.

Segment 3

Rob Reiner and family are watching from the front row. We are live at the Staples Center in Los Angeles.

Video recap of the segment: Booker T and Goldust split up their tag team, and Goldust gets electrocuted. By the way, Dr. Tom, I didn't get any e-mail regarding that segment last segment last week. I'm shocked too.

One fall: Booker T vs. Down with D'Lo Brown (w/Theodore Long)

Booker dedicates the match to Goldust, but he's interrupted by D'Lo's entrance. Long's got the stick, and he says Booker needs to stop worrying about Goldust because he's just trying to keep the black men down. Long asks about a tag team, and Booker punches him. Good answer. Booker kicks D'Lo's ass for a while, and a leg lariat gets 2. Knee to the midsection, but D'Lo avoids the scissor kick. D'Lo in control, but Booker gets a leg lariat in and gets the scissors kick for the pin at 1:19. Well, that was pointless. DUD SPINNAROONIE! SPINNAROONIE, TONY!

Bisch and Chief Morley are pacing, and Y2J+3 barges in, and how could he reward Test with a match at No Way Out just because his broad got hurt? Morley makes Jericho vs. Hardy based on Hardy's run-in earlier.

----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------

OK, so they made Hardy's run-in mean something. They still dropped the ball on Jericho's first appearance tonight though. And they dropped the ball on the previous match. That had the potential to be super sweet, and they give D'Lo the token jobber offense before Booker gets the quick win. I have no problem at all with Booker going over, and I don't have a problem with the match being short if it gets Booker T a shot at the main event, but you could have used somebody who can't work for a minute squash instead of wasting the ultra-talented D'Lo Brown.

Segment 4

One fall: Jazz vs. Pure and Wholesome Molly Holly

This could be really good if they don't fuck it up. Jazz had attacked Molly last week, leading to this match. Jazz with a headlock to start. Wrestling sequence into a front facelock, and Jazz maneuvers into a cover for 2. Standing wristlock, but Molly with a cartwheel and a reversal. Jazz with a nice dropkick for 2. Molly fighting back, but Jazz stops it and hits a drop toehold. Comination stepover toehold and double chickenwing, and she rolls it into a cover for 2. Sweet move! Rolling double underhook suplex! Wow! That gets 2. Chops now. Molly finally side steps Jazz and rolls her up for 2. Chops, and a series of clotheslines! Jazz stops Molly and takes her down with a single-leg into a half Boston crab. Molly reaches for the ropes, but Jazz pulls her to the center and locks the STF for the win in 3:34. * 3/4 But she refuses to let go. Lawler: "It's OK to be a bitch, but she overdoes it." Postmatch, Jazz continues to best on Molly, locking in the double chickenwing before putting on another STF.

JR is pacing, but his cell phone rings. And it's apparently Austin. The Fink comes in and asks if Austin's coming in, but it was just his friend Steve from Oklahoma. A bait and switch on a phone call that we can't hear?

----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------

The crowd was dead for the match, but Jazz has some really nice looking offense. And Molly's Molly, so she always puts in as good if an effort as can be expected. I would have liked to have seen more offense out of Molly, but the idea is to put the returning wrestler over, and as such, this worked rather well.

Segment 5

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Rob...Van...Dam and Kane vs. Three Minute Warning (w/Rico)

Rico's holding his back, presumably selling the table bump from last week. Jamal and RVD start as the crowd wakes up to chant "RVD". Bodyslam by Jamal, but he misses a legdrop, and RVD gets two off a standing moonsault. RVD goes to the top, but Jamal shoves him off the top rope and into the guardrail. Rosey in, and he splashes RVD for 2. Choke against the ropes and a tag to Jamal. Nice superkick for 2. Jamal knocks Kane of the apron, and that allows the double team, but RVD avoids the clothesline and tags Kane in. Kane does a number on both guys, and he's up top...flying clothesline to Rosey! Choke slam to Jamal, but Rosey with a forearm to the back to stop it. Kane lays them both out, tags in RVD, and he launches RVD into Jamal. Rolling thunder, and Rosey makes the save. RVD with a springboard side kick, and it's Kane's choke slam, RVD's Five Star Frog Splash, and the pin at 4:10 as the crowd counts along with Earl Hebner. * RVD does the thumb thing, Kane sets off the pyro, and the celebration continues.

JR's on the cell again, and in comes another limo...and this time it is Mr. McAsshole. "What the hell is JR doing in the parking garage?"

----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------

T-minus 3 minutes 30 seconds and counting. A rather boring match, but RVD was able to do most of his signature spots and pop the crowd, which is something the other matches so far have been unable to do. Now, however, we have Vince McMahon getting ready to do whatever he's going to do to Bischoff, and that will probably pop the crowd until they realize that this is still Raw.

Segment 6

And Vince McMahon is on his way to the ring. Sometimes even someone of Vince's distinction has some heart-wrenching decisions to make, but not tonight, because this is going to be sweet. Eric Bischoff and Sean Morley, come on down! You're the next contestants on The Pink Slip is Right. Vince: "Walk the plank." The crowd breaks into "Na Na Hey Hey Goodbye" before Bisch even steps in the ring. Vince won't let Bisch talk, and he addresses Morley. Morley hasn't met his criteria, and therefore he should be fired, but Vince has changed his mind. Morley gets to decide his own fate tonight. He'll wrestle for his job. He wins, he stays. His opponents: all three Dudley Boyz. And now to Bischoff: Has Austin been signed? Bischoff tries a long answer, but the short version is "no". Vince admits that if Austin signed, Bisch would still be employed for the entertainment value of Bisch trying to control Austin. Bisch quickly says "I'll do anything to stay here", and those might end up being famous last words, but there's something he has to give Vince--action. Hot lesbian action. Here come The Lesbians, and didn't this fail the first time? I like the brunette, I must say. They do some teasing, but Bisch stops them. These aren't just lesbians...they're "bisexual lesbians". George Carlin would have a field day with that one. Vince is all business, so he's going to dismiss the strippers--er, um, bisexuals. Any other gifts? No? Then we're out of time. "Eric Bischoff...YOU'RE FIRED!" And that didn't really get all that much of a pop. Some, yes, but not like I expected. Vince leads a sing along of "Na Na Hey Hey Goodbye". That song's not public domain to my knowledge. Pay those royalties!

----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------

Way too long, especially when it was basically a foregone conclusion that Bischoff was going to be fired anyway. We didn't need the rehash of HLA, and we certainly didn't need to spend 10 minutes on this. In fact, I thought the lesbians were going to give JR just enough time to get Austin to agree to show up at No Way Out just so Bisch could save his job for two weeks. Instead, the Shane McMahon era starts next week. But something tells me Bischoff isn't completely out of the picture yet.

Segment 7

Vince is walking around backstage, and immediately Lance Storm and William Regal kiss his ass. If you thought that was brilliant, wait until you see who the new GM is. Um...wasn't that established a month ago?

3 on 1 Handicap Match: Chief Morley vs. All Three Reunited Damn Dudley Boyz

Here's your blowoff from all the meaningless screwjob segments over the past four weeks. Spike attacks from behind, and we are underway. Morley backdrops Spike, but the other two catch him, then they take Morley down with a double flapjack. Neat spot. Bubba begins punching Morley in the corner as the "We want tables" chant starts. All three work him over, and Bubba drops him with a Samoan drop. Triple team stomping, and Morley rolls to the floor for a Tastykake break. No good, as Bubba tosses Spike onto Morley. And D-Von sends him into the ringsteps. OK, this is running a bit long now. Shouldn't there be a countout by now? And Bubba tosses the top half of the ringsteps into Morley's face. Morley finally rolled into the ring, Spike up top, and the flying double stomp. Bubba with the Flip Flop and Fly. Spike with the Dudley Dawg. 3D, Spike covers, and that's the pin (and Morley's job) at 3:46. A couple of neat spots, but way too long for what it was. 1/2* All three of them taunt Morley, and listen to that chant........"D-Von! Spike! Bubba! Get the tables!" OK, we get the point! Super Bomb through the table, although bless Morley's heart, he tried to get some shots in.

Bischoff and JR are having a staredown, and JR has yet to hear from Austin. Bischoff says "It's nothing personal" and asks JR to be friends. What the hell is this, the sixth grade Valentine's Day party? JR: "Why don't you just clean out your desk?"

----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------

Well, the best thing about that entire segment was that we finally blew off the Dudley Boyz-Morley feud. Now, had they rolled Morley back into the ring after tossing Spike onto him and gone from there, that would have been perfectly accepted. As it was, it was overly long and drawn out. Still, that's how you blow off a feud...whoever's been losing the feud goes way over.

Segment 8

Evanesence's "Bring Me To Life" is the official theme song for WWE No Way Out.

One fall: Don't Call Me Dave Batista (w/The Man WHOO!) vs. Tommy F'N Dreamer

Batista and the rest of Evolution beat the holy hell out of Dreamer last week, so we get this match as a result. Dreamer comes in through the crowd and hits Batista with the Singapore cane. The offense doesn't last long, and there's the Sitout Power Bomb for the win at :29, and the crowd is PISSED! Well, the portion of it that cares, anyway. DUD Out comes Booker T, and he's going after Batista and Flair! And in comes Randy Orton for the group beatdown. And Hunter (w/crutch) shows up and drops the crutch on the apron. Booker's being held for Hunter, who is punching away. And out comes Big Poppa Steroid Pump, and he clears the ring. Hunter's going to use the crutch, but Steiner turns in time, and Orton buys Hunter enough time to get out of the ring.

----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------

HHHater Clock: Two segments, 2:20. At least this week Hunter tried to use the crutch for something other than show. You have the Evolution group showing unity, doing group beatdowns a la your classic old school stables, and you're starting to see the babyfaces rise up against them. I say it again though. This has to lead to Booker T pinning Triple H for the World Title at WrestleMania. But so far, I'm liking the angle, even if Hunter does have to be the focal point by default.

Segment 9

Jeff Hardy is walking backstage, and he runs into the Holy Bible Kid, who nods.

Stacy walks backstage toward Test, and she just sealed the deal on a new marketing plan. Some personal appearances for "GGW". She doesn't know what GGW is, but it's "great exposure". Dear God no.

Bischoff is cleaning out his office. And in come the Dudleys for some taunting. Bischoff says he's got nothing but respect for them, but they won't let Bisch leave without spending another $10,000 to sing "Na Na Hey Hey Goodbye".

----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------

Outside of my official prediction that this "GGW" is an underwear company and that Test is going to show off his Testicles, I have nothing worthwhile to say about this segment.

Segment 10

One fall "main event": Y2J+3 vs. Mr. Extreme

Before anybody asks, "main event" is in quotes because the announcement of the GM will be after this match. One of the dudes from ZZ Top is in the crowd. Holy shit, what the hell is up with Hardy's body paint tonight? I've seen nicer looking makeup jobs in Vincent Price movies! Jericho with a headlock to start. Wrestling sequence ending with a Jericho slap to the face. Hardy punches away and gets a backdrop. Flying headscissors for 2. Jericho comes back with a clothesline. Jericho chokes Hardy with a shirt. Jericho tosses Hardy over the top rope and gloats to the crowd. Hogan ear cup! WHOO HOO! Jericho goes for a springboard clothesline, but Hardy ducks it, and he flies off the middle rope onto Jericho. And into the ringsteps goes Chris Jericho! Back into the ring, and Hardy covers for 2. Corner whip, Jericho to the second rope, but Hardy catches him coming off with a dropkick. Up top, but Jericho pushes Earl Hebner into the ropes, and that's enough to crotch Hardy. Series of forearms and slaps, and Jericho apparently wants a superplex...top-rope double underhook superplex! And only 2 off of that? That could be a finisher. Backbreaker. And apparently there's either a fight or a flasher in the crowd, because the crowd erupts as Jericho locks in an over-the-knee backbreaker submission. Hardy goes for a sunset flip, but Jericho rolls through. Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho, but Hardy counters it with an inside cradle for 2. Jericho immediately goes into a clothesline. The crowd boos whatever happened in the crowd as Jericho hits the squisher (tm Kevin Nash). Into a chinlock, which probably should have been done once the crowd started watching whatever extracirricular activity was going on. Hardy elbows out of it and gets the advantage when Jericho misses a shoulderblock in the corner. Jawbreaker to the knees, and a neckbreaker gets two. Jericho gets in an enzuigiri for 2. Corner clothesline, and a corner whip, but Hardy springs off with the Whisper in the Wind (and a favorable camera angle) for 2. Jericho grabs Hebner to buy time, and this time Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho. Hardy reaches the ropes for the break. Charge, Hardy backdrops him to the apron, Jericho gets some space and heads up top, but Hardy takes him down with top-rope belly-to-belly. Off goes the shirt, there's the Swanton Bomb...and Jericho gets the foot on the bottom rope. Hardy goes for a rana, but Jericho gets the Walls of Jericho again. Hardy reaches for the ropes, but Jericho pulls him to the center just a little bit, and Hardy finally taps at 10:48. Quite good for a TV main (even if I know some of you won't agree), and who woulda thunk it? **1/2

Vince McMahon is apparently headed to the ring, but he runs into Evolution. They're on their way to the strip, but Vince thinks they should hang around long enough to find out who the new GM is. And next week, Triple H and Batista meet Booker T and Scott Steiner. Could be interesting.

----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------

HHHater Clock: Three segments, 3:21.

Despite the distracted crowd being unable to get into it, this was actually the best Jeff Hardy match in a long time. Jericho worked the back over to set up the Walls of Jericho for a surprising bit of psychology, and Hardy seemed less out of it than normal. And they actually gave it some time. And I'll admit to being surprised that there was no Test appearance. I still fail to see how this builds to the PPV, but a very nice change of pace to have no run-ins in an eleven minute main event match.

Segment 11

Vince McMahon is in the ring, and it's GM hiring time. Lawler: "Pick me!" This GM is fair, qualified, and someone you'll like. So please come forward...Jim Ross? No, it's not him...and here comes Eric Bischoff to follow. JR (off-mic) says Austin's appearance at No Way Out is a done deal. There's the official announcement from Vince, who reinstates JR on the spot. But does that save Bischoff's job? It sure does. BUT WAIT! Bisch said earlier that he'd do anything to keep his job, and the crowd chants "Kiss his ass!" And yep, that's what Vince has in mind. Never mind that it was officially closed over a year ago. Yes, it's the return of the "Kiss My Ass Club". Open mouth, insert...well, ass, I guess. Please keep his ass off-camera! Shit, too late! There's his ass doing tricks as Eric asks for a mic. Eric refuses to kiss his ass. Well, shit. Well in that case, then Bischoff can join a new club. The "Get My Ass Kicked Club". Bischoff's willing to join that one to keep his job. As a condition of employment, Eric Bischoff will be wrestling at No Way Out...vs. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Some of you have been waiting eight years to see that.

----------
END OF SHOW
----------

Final HHHater Clock tally: Three segments, 3:21. Quite nice. It's guaranteed to be higher next week, but he'll be wrestling, so it'll be more tolerable.

So it's Eric Bischoff vs. Steve Austin, and if you followed WCW in the mid-90s, then you've been waiting for this one ever since we lost a Flair-Austin main event feud to cater to Hogan's ego. For those of you who didn't know, Bischoff fired Austin over the phone in 1995, and Austin still holds a grudge. This could be fun, even if I'm not paying for it.

A comment on Coach's commentary real quick. When he was allowed to focus on what was going on in the ring, he wasn't too bad. Maybe they're testing him out in order to ease Ross into being strictly a front-office person? Coach isn't ready yet if that's the case but there's potential there.

Overall, an unspectacular show, with a pretty good last match and a lot of other stuff that was just there. Still, we got the final blowoff for the Dudley Boyz-Morley feud, an apparent Booker T push in the works, and two segments worth of Stacy Keibler. Now let's get some better matches on this show and cut out some of the talking, and we're almost on the right track.

Until next, remember: Conserve water. Shower with a friend.

Send your feedback to JHawk

© Copyright by TheSmartMarks.com