by Peter Kostka

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Welcome to a new era in Confidential recapping. The reports will now be posted BEFORE Monday morning! Rob, you’re laughing at that, I know it.

Anyway, for those of you reading this at the Smart Marks: you know who I am and are familiar with my work.

For those of you reading this at Lords of Pain: hello. My name is Peter Kostka, I’m 20 years old and a wrestling fan for about 13 of those years. After Retro Rob “retired” (so to speak) from Confidential and move on to his Booking Report column, I grabbed the chance to take over. I am not unfamiliar with this program: at the site I started at, the now defunct Smark Talk, recapping this show was my first regular article.

Ok, enough introductory material, let’s get on with the recap.

This week: WWE stars visit the troops, a look behind the scenes at the Summerslam ad, Rey Mysterio goes Outside the Ropes, From the Vault turns to Chris Jericho for his favorite match, and much more.

Mean WHOO Gene welcomes us to yet another edition of the show HHH doesn’t want you to see, Confidential. He sucks up to the armed forces and mentions that some WWE superstars (APA, Ivory and Terri) visited the troops.

WWE Visits the Troops

They were supposed to go to Mosul and Tikrit, but had to stay in Kuwait because of unsafe conditions. They stop by Camp Udari, about 13 miles from the border. Bradshaw offers a striptease, and gets one desperate woman to cheer. All they really want to do is break up the monotony that these soldiers have to go through every day. Ron Simmons remarks that you can’t really know what these soldiers have to put up with until you see it yourself. Bradshaw complains about the heat to the troops (using un-PG 13 language) and Ivory, while sitting on the sand, says “my ass is on FIRE!” About time she caught up with the rest of us with that opinion. Ivory finds out it usually gets up to 130-140 degrees during the day in the desert (“170 in the port-o-potties”). By the looks of Ivory, it seems a little chilly (or “nippley”) out there today, if you catch my drift. The first camp they visited was Camp Snakebite where they rode camels. Bradshaw almost gets flung off the damn thing. They visit Centcom and find out exactly how boring occupying a country and making sure everything doesn’t go to hell really IS. The Superstars traveled with the Washington Redskins cheerleaders. Bradshaw states the obvious (“These guys don’t give a shit about us. They don’t want to see us!”) If only they realized that in the ring. They all remark how crappy the soldiers’ jobs are. Terri sounds like she’s been sharing packs with Stephanie these days. Ivory mentions how the soldiers face tough things every day, including losing their friends and being attacked by missles. One of the soldiers points out a gaping hole in the roof (made of concrete 13” thick) of a building where a bomb exploded. Another soldier shows us a bunker where, during the heavy fighting, they had about 24 missile strikes and spent about 18 days going in and out of the bunkers. The soldier (I guess he’s a sergeant) mentions that he wants everyone to go home safe, especially the guys “up north”. Most of the soldiers have been there since January and February and don’t really know when they’ll be coming home. Ivory just wants the troops to be happy for one day. The gals have fun with the troops: Terri shows off one of her bathing suits and Ivory makes a Marine prove he can do pushups while she is on his back. Ok, where’s the closest recruiting station? I can prove I can do that ON MY BACK! A hula dancer teaches some of the Marines to dance and Bradshaw breaks out the whitest dance moves this side of Elaine Benes. Bradshaw enjoyed his time because he knew the soldiers believed he and the others really wanted to see them. Bradshaw doesn’t think the soldiers are crazy to volunteer to be out there since what they do allows us to live our lives in freedom....watching guys in tights roll around a ring for 15 minutes. Bradshaw tells the troops that they are the real heroes and thanks them for the rest of us.

Pretty long segment, but it was pretty damn good. Although, if it was so damn hot, why was Ivory wearing so much clothing? Hey, she SAID she wanted to make the troops happy, right? 1/1

- Commercials -

WWE Rewind: Steve Austin announces the Elimination Chamber match at Summerslam.

Gene hypes the Elimination Chamber match and recaps Brock Lesnar's heel turn on Smackdown. But before he became a heel, Brock was on the beach F5-ing a shark. Discovery Channel, eat your heart out.

Behind the Scenes: Summerslam 2003 commercial

This ad is a parody of the scene in Jaws where Roy Schnider spots the shark and everyone on the beach runs in panic from the water. The twist here is Brock Lesnar runs into the water and F5’s the shark. Brock at first thought it was an incredibly stupid idea, but once he heard how it would play out, he warmed up to it. Brock taunts the shark puppet in his van before they begin. Brock F5’s the thing about 40 times, some not as great as the others. There were also some outtakes, including one where Brock knocks over a 15 year old kid as he runs towards the water and another where a wave sweeps up the shark after it had been F5-ed and knocks Brock over with it. Just too funny. Another is where Brock is surrounded by fine ladies and spills his drink all over one of them (“Just an accident on my part” sez Brock.) Apparently the water was very cold that day, and Brock had to F5 the shark multiple times to get multiple angles, so he was turning more and more bluish purple as the day went on. Brock just brushes it off. We get the finished commercial as we go to break.

Oh yeah, this will be on the Summerslam DVD for sure. The commercial is actually pretty funny. 2/2

- Commercials – Including an ad for the Spike TV “We’re Gonna Launch this Network or Die Trying DAMMIT” special on Monday.

Tonight’s Confidential Is Brought to You By: S.W.A.T (Rated R, now playing), Milky Way, and Laurel Tobacco’s “Tobacco is Whacko” campaign.

Outside the Ropes with Rey Mysterio

I know Rob hates this segment, but I don’t really mind it. Besides, Rey should be a good guest. Tough Enough Reject Josh Matthews is your Quizmaster tonight.

1) Is the Mask a chick magnet?

Yes. He’s got some masks for Josh, too.

2) Freddy vs. Jason opens this week. Since you wear a mask, are you rooting for Jason?

Rey actually has a small part in the movie, and will root for Jason.

3) What does the DMV say when you get your license picture taken with the mask?

“Are you older than 18?” (Huh?)

4) How much hangtime do you get in your entrance?

About three seconds, on average.

5) Do you get dizzy after you spin around?

No, otherwise, he’d fall down.

6) In 10 seconds, name as many words that rhyme with “Mysterio”

3: Stereo, radio and serio (Spanish for “for real”).

7) Whose stronger, King Kong or Mighty Mouse?

Mighty Mouse.

8) You drive a Hummer. How can you reach the gas pedal?

He has a special thing that extends and lets his legs reach the pedals. He also puts the seat all the way forward.

9) Other than Cancun, why should people visit Mexico?

It’s a party town. Everything is legal.

10) Did Ruben Studdard steal his 405 idea from “619”?

It’s just an area code, it’s all good.

BONUS QUESTON(Oh, goody): Complete this song lyric: “Who’s that jumpin’ out the sky?....

R-E-Y, Mys-ter-io, 619, serio, on the stereo, listen to him live, there we go.

Ok, I take that back. Josh must write the questions himself. I mean, “King Kong vs. Mighty Mouse?” Geez. At least Rey was cool about it, so that gets a half point. 2.5/3

- Commercials –

Trish and Stacy go Down.....Under

Coming back, we take a look at the RAW roster’s trip to Australia last week. Spike Dudley signs some autographs wearing a Tom Brady jersey, giving him some bonus points in my book. The superstars have fun with the fans and Chris Jericho busts out his Australian accent, which goes into a bit of a cockney accent at the end. Trish Stratus busts out a great one herself. While in Australia, Trish and Stacy Kiebler took a trip to the Melbourne Zoo, the same zoo where Lance Storm and Christian visited last year when Smackdown went to Australia. The girls fawn over the Koalas, but they really don’t seem to be too interested in the girls. They check out the kangaroos and one does a trick by going hand-over-hand across a rope. The zoo is famous for keeping alive many endangered species, including kangaroo. Stacy speaks so softly at some points that we need subtitles to know exactly what the hell she said. They hurl fish at some pelicans and Stacy orders around an elephant that has to smash a block of ice on the ground with it’s trunk to get its food. Afterwards, they hop off to the Flamin’ Bull to grab some lunch, including kangaroo (“It’s from southern Australia, so it doesn’t matter.” says the owner.) They sample some Australian cuisine and head to the kitchen and see how the eel dishes are made. They give us a final toast to end the segment.

Pretty blah segment overall, but Trish was in it, so that’s worth half a point regardless. 3/4

- Commercials –

Wrestlemania Recall: Andre slams Big John Studd and wins $15,000 at Wrestlemania I. He throws a few handfuls into the crowd before Bobby Heenan steals the rest.

From the Vault, starring Chris Jericho

Jericho’s pick this week is one of the most influential matches he’s ever seen. A contest of stamina, of psychology, and of two guys giving it their all. And that match is....

King Kong Bundy vs. Special Delivery Jones (from Wrestlemania I)

Your commentators for this epic are Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura. Jones charges right off the bat and Bundy bearhugs him and rams him into the corner. Bundy waits for him to get up and Avalanches him, following that up with a big splash for the pin.

*****!!!!

10/10

Match of the Year!!!!

*Ahem*....sorry. This is supposedly the fastest match in Wrestlemania history at nine seconds, but if you actually take the time to count the seconds, it’s more like 27 or so. Still may be the fastest though, I can’t remember how long Warrior vs. HHH was.

BUT WAIT! Since this is Chris Jericho picking, why can’t he pick TWO matches? So, as his second choice, Jericho picks a match from Wrestlemania 2, a much better (and longer) match.

The British Bulldogs (Davey Boy Smith and the Dynamite Kid) vs. The Dream Team (Greg Valentine and Brutus “I ain’t a Barber yet” Beefcake) (C) (WWF Tag team title match)

These two teams had been feuding for quite a while. Your commentators: Mean Gene, Gorilla Monsoon, and Susan Saint James (80’s sitcom star). The Bulldogs also have Ozzy Osbourne in their corner. Davey Boy shoves Valentine down to start. They trade forearms and Valentine takes Davey Boy down but misses an elbowdrop and Davey wrenches the arm. Valentine sends him to the ropes and hiptosses Davey down. He tries to drop the hammer down, but Davey misses and tags Dynamite, who sends Valentine facefirst to the buckles. Dynamite covers (with the camera getting a closeup shot of the ref’s ass) for only a one count. Valentine sends him into the ropes, but Dynamite hops over him and knocks Valentine down. Dynamite snap suplexes him down and tags in Davey, who tries for a suplex of his own, but Valentine blocks and goes for one. Davey blocks that and hits his trademark delayed vertical suplex (Valentine just BOUNCES off the canvas; the ring is extra springy for this one).

The match gets clipped to Bulldog press slamming Beefcake to the mat and tagging Dynamite. He gets a clothesline on Beefcake and chops him down for a two count. Dynamite tries a small package and gets another two count. Compared to today, the WWF’s presentation back then seems almost ECW-ish with the fixed camera angle and only a few cuts to different ones. Beefcake eats boot and Davey tags in. He hits a Perfect-Plex, but only gets two. Front facelock, and Beefcake manages a tag to Valentine, who climbs up the ropes and drops the hammer down onto Davey’s head. Valentine gets a suplex (with Davey bouncing high off the mat this time) and gets two.

Another clip and now Valentine is working Dynamite’s arm. He goes to drop a knee, but Dynamite gets his knees up and Valentine is singing soprano. Valentine goes up, but just like Ric Flair, gets slammed off. Dynamite covers and Brutus tries to get involved, but Davey puts a stop to that and picks Dynamite up in a press slam position, but Valentine bails. Dynamite retrieves him, but gets kicked in the face as he comes back in himself. Valentine drops some knees on Dynamite’s head, but he manages to get a tag to Davey, who powerslams Valentine, but Valentine gets the shoulder up at two. Another suplex, but Valentine still gets out at two. Davey goes for a whip, but Valentine reverses and sends Davey shoulderfirst into the post. Valentine stomps away on it and grabs a hammerlock before tagging in Brutus, who goes up and clobbers Davey. Beefcake grabs a hammerlock himself and Davey tries to flip out of it, but Brutus just drops him down right on his arm and shoulder. Ouch. Beefcake brings Davey into the heel corner and tags Valentine, who drops an elbow onto the shoulder from the top. Valentine hits a shoulderbreaker, but pulls Davey up at two. Dynamite goes up as Valentine grabs a headlock, but Davey sends Valentine into the corner where he butts heads with Dynamite (who falls off and splats on the floor out of camera view) and Davey covers for the pin and the titles.

Now THERE’S a good old-school tag match. The clips kept the action going and the full match is probably about ***2/3 or 7/10 and also the best match of Wrestlemania 2 (of course, looking at the card, that’s not really much of an accomplishment.) 4/5

- Commercials –

We close the show with a bunch of the troops sending messages to their loved ones at home. Gene also mentions Miss Elizabeth’s autopsy results, which concluded she died from an accidental overdose of alcohol and drugs. Well isn’t that a cheery way to end the show? 4.5/6

Next Week: Nothing announced, which may mean a repeat episode.

Not a bad show to start my run. When you have a show with Ivory, Trish, a good tag match, and Brock F5-ing a shark, how can you call it bad?

Until next week, send any feedback you have to [email protected]

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