by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

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Raw from JHawk's Beak (8/19/2002)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

What's Wrong with this Picture?: OK. You're the general manager of SmackDown. Over the course of two weeks, you yell at your staff and try to screw the second most popular guy of the entire company out of a guaranteed title shot. Should she be the face or the heel? If you said the face, congratulations! You're in line for a shot at the WWE writing team. If you said heel, better luck next time, and remember: Common sense means nothing in the world of sports entertainment.

In other words, Stephanie McMahon is a heel. Stop trying to convince us otherwise!

Tonight: Fozzy performs LIVE! Plus, The Dudley Boyz (the sequel) take on William Regal and Christopher Nowinski, and The Rock faces Triple H. Official prediction: Somehow this ends up being a title match. Hunter wins the title, then defeats Brock Lesnar at SummerSlam. Then he goes onto wwe.com claiming he is the smart marks savior because none of us thought Brock was ready to main event. Sound farfetched? Yes? Then it's almost a guarantee to happen. OK, maybe Hunter won't be blatant about claiming to be our savior, but it will implied.

So sit back, grab your footlong Subway club and your two-liter bottle of Pepsi, and let's get RAW!

Segment 1

We are live from the Scope in Norfolk, Virginia. It's a pay-per-view type atmosphere as JR goes into Tony Schiavone mode for our main event!

But first, it's Dead Man Walking, and you know he's going to have some words for Test after his clean-as-you-get-these-days loss to the UnAmerican last week. Taker's never made his political opinions public, but like his country, "I don't take no sh[BLEEP]!" Well, he didn't say "BLEEP", but you get the picture. Taker puts over our freedom for cheap pops. But freedom comes with a price. People have died defending it, and Taker has respect for those people. And because of that respect, he has a problem with people who come into the USA and abuse those freedoms. Guess who he's talking about. Three guesses, and the first two don't count. There you go. Sign in crowd: "Test still works here?" Taker pledges to make an example out of Test. At least he's not pulling a Bradshaw and pledging to make Test his bitch. Cue Taker's music, and out comes Test on a motorcycle. And to think, they could have had an opening promo go less than ten minutes. Test rips the microphone out of Taker's hand. Test thought it was just America that sucked, but now he realizes Taker does too. Thems fighting words, as Taker gets in a right hand and works over Test. Sure enough, here come Lance Storm and Christian, and here come Booker T and Goldust to make the save. I smell a six man tag tonight. Booker with the stick, and he says SummerSlam starts tonight and makes the challenge for a six man. Now can you dig that, sucka? The UnAmericans nod yes.

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This could be really good. They're coming off of a super eight man tag last week, and you don't even have Triple H involved to bring them down. And realistically, the American team is as American as you can get. You've got the white redneck who is a badass, a man who grew up on the streets to make something out of himself, and the freak who embodies freedom of expression more than anybody else.

Segment 2

A bunch of superstars are in the ring, including Mr. Extreme, but here comes Earache Bitchoff to explain. The 24/7 rule is no more! About damn time. He has brought in the former Hardcore Champions, including Someone Feed Terri, and whoever has the Hardcore Title after three...no, six minutes...the one with the belt wins. But stay away from the tarp. The bell rings, and Terri runs for her life. We have Hardy, Terri (only technically), Bradshaw, Johnny Stamboli, Tommy F'N Dreamer (champion), Spike Dudley, Steven Richards, Crash, and American Dream Bubba Ray Dudley. Didn't The Godfather's ho get the invitation? Not like she's still working for NWATNA. Bradshaw pins Dreamer in :33. Everybody gangs up on the champion because you have to pin him to win. Bradshaw eventually gets the weapons and starts going to work. Bradshaw goes to power bomb Stamboli, but Richards breaks it up with a superkick, and Crash gets the pin at 2:06. In the ring, Stamboli is brawling with Hardy. Stamboli to the floor, and Jeff springboards over Bubba Ray for the dive. Crash tells Bubba to get the tables, so Bubba puts Crash through a table. Dreamer comes in before Bubba can get the pin, and Bubba works over Dreamer...who falls on Crash for the pin at 3:44. Bradshaw with the Clothesline from Hell on Dreamer, and Bubba Ray makes the save. Bubba Bomb, and this time Bradshaw makes the save. Bradshaw places Dreamer into the top rope and goes for a superplex, but Bubba low blows Bradshaw and takes him down with a power bomb. Bubba superplexes Dreamer and covers, and again Bradshaw makes the save. Spike covers, and Bradshaw saves. Bradshaw hits Bubba with a cookie sheet, and Bubba falls on Dreamer. Bradshaw makes the save. The two Dudleys and Bradshaw all stop each other's pin attempts until 6:00 runs out. Then there's Kane's music and pyro. But once again, no Kane.

Backstage, Trish the Cheating Bitch and My Future Wife argue over who's going to get the Women's Title shot. Trish thinks Stacy just wants to screw Bisch, and Stacy's all "Pot. This is Kettle. You're black." Bischoff interrupts and says nobody cares about women's wrestling, so they'll have a bra and panties match in the mud.

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Entertaining little match there, and it was nice to not see the Island Boyz disrupt it. Granted, they would have been quite outnumbered. The lack of a 24/7 rule is extremely helpful on those of us who try to keep track of title histories (and I lost complete track of the Hardcore Title after the name change to WWE in May).

But some of us do care about women's wrestling. Like me. Still, Stacy in bra and panties is a good thing. This might be the only time I ever root for Trish.

Segment 3

Bra and Panties Mud Match scheduled for one fall: Trish the Cheating Bitch vs. My Future Wife

Ah, so that's what the tarp's for. And Stacy attacks Trish from behind and sends her into the mud. So Trish returns the favor. And there goes the referee. And they're in bra and panties the entire time, so I'm rooting for Stacy now. Anyway, this is the typical WWE mud match. Picture the one in Stripes except with less workrate. Trish chops Stacy out of the pool and rolls her up outside the mud pit for the win in 1:34. Funny, I didn't know it was falls count anywhere. Stacy and The Fink get thrown in the mud for no reason. Then Finkel gets slapped by Stacy.

Backstage, Rocky wants to be in pictures is in the arena, and a technician hands him a FedEx from Paul Heyman. Rock thinks it's TO Paul Heyman and makes some old gay man jokes. And he introduces himself to the technician, Nikki, shakes his leg, and claims it has a "mind of its own". He opens the package and drops it, revealing pictures of Hogan bloodied.

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So we got women wrestling in their underwear, ring announcers getting slapped for something from two weeks ago, and an angle where the World Champion gets told "You're next" (sound familiar?). The best part of this segment was the women in their underwear, and once they went into the mud pit, that was pretty much where the appeal ended. Sorry, but you can't see skin real well through mud. Stick with the actual wrestling for the women, please. And leave Fink alone! He got slapped for the Lillian thing last week! Ever hear of a thing called "double jeopardy"? You can't be punished twice for the same thing.

Segment 4

Lawler shills the latest issue of Raw magazine with Trish on the cover. And they hype the "Pledge to Participate Tour", which I guess is meant as a September 11 remembrance thing.

And out comes Hungry Hungry Hippos (w/clipboard) to lower my enjoyment of the show. And you know-uh this segment-uh will take half an hour-uh. Nine times out of ten, what happens in this ring is strictly business, but not this time. At SummerSlam, it's Shawn Michaels vs. Triple H, but it's personal. And as much as he wants the match, he's going to try to weasel...er, reason his way out of the match. See, Shawn needs to sign some papers. When Hunter "cripples" Shawn Michaels, Shawn can't sue. Doesn't he already agree to that when he, you know, signs the actual match contract? This segment became completely pointless. Here comes an "asshole" chant that will make the higher-ups think this segment isn't dying. Anyway, not only will Shawn be watching our main event, but so will Brock Lesnar. Even dropping the Rock's name elicits a lot of boos. Anyway, non-title tonight (thank God), but this match is now no disqualification, so Rocky's ass is on the line. Wow, no DQ. We haven't already seen that tonight. Hunter more or less says that he decides the title picture, because when Brock wins the title, Hunter's already first in line. He's holding him down already...and here comes Y2J(2) to single-handedly save a boring segment. His band performs tonight, you know. Maybe not after this. Jericho asks Hunter how being interrupted feels. Hunter brings up WrestleMania, which brings the fake laughter from Jericho. Jericho is going to agree with Hunter. Huh? They have a lot in common. They hate each other. True. At SummerSlam, they're facing washed up has beens. Eh. They're almost exactly alike...except Jericho has more talent. That's a shoot, whether Hunter wants to admit to it or not. Crowd chants "Fozzy sucks". Ouch. They haven't even played yet. Jericho claims Ric Flair is an easier SummerSlam opponent. So The Man (WHOO!) attacks with a kick to the midsection and a trash can over the head. WHOOs from the entire crowd. Flair says the only thing Jericho does better than Flair is talk trash. That's actually a hell of a compliment.

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I wasn't going to do this tonight, but here's the HHHClock: 1 segment, 11:55, and nothing actually accomplished. Jericho's appearance saved this from being totally bad. It was only sort of bad. Twelve minutes of my life I'll never get back that could have been used for an RVD match. What is RVD doing tonight, anyway?

Why is Lita still in the live event commercials?

Segment 5

Six Man Tag Team Match scheduled for one fall: Booker T, Goldust (w/black wig) and Dead Man Walking vs. The UnAmericans

Christian blows his nose on his UnAmericans T-shirt. Does he hate the gimmick that much? We waste no time getting this one started. Taker nearly throws Christian over the turnbuckle and beats him around. Side slam and a cover, and Test makes the save. Booker T in, and he gets 2 off of a flapjack. Storm tagged in, and Booker works over all three men. Booker sent to the floor, and Test throws him into the steps before rolling him into the ring. Quick tags from the UnAmericans. Christian with a series of punches, the first one popping. Tag to Test, and he whips Booker into the corner and follows with a clothesline. He tries it again, but Booker gets a side kick in. Test regains control and slams Booker for a 2 count. Test goes for a pumphandle slam, but Booker floats behind and gets in a leg lariat into Test's face. Tags to Christian and Goldust. Bulldog to Christian. Powerslam to Storm. Mounted punches to Christian in the corner, and he sets up Shattered Dreams. Storm in for the save, but Taker cuts him off. Goldust gets the move in, but Test hits Goldust with the Big Boot. Taker with Snake Eyes and a Big Boot to Test. Choke slam to Storm. Test pulls Taker to the floor. Christian covers for 2. And they're legal, too. Booker with a scissor kick to Storm, but Christian catches him with an inverted DDT. Goldust going for the Curtian Call, but Storm distracts him That's enough of a distraction, as Christian hits Goldust with the title belt and gets the pin at 6:18.

Let's look at The Rock training for SummerSlam. This looks a lot like the Confidential footage. Things that sound dirty in weightlifting but aren't: "clean jerk" and "snatch".

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Not bad, but highly disappointing. It just didn't have the energy of the eight man tag last week, although that might have been because the crowd was bored to tears with the previous promo. It seems obvious that we're crowning new Tag Team Champions at SummerSlam, which is a good thing. It also seems Taker's getting the win over Test, which might not be a good thing. At some point, Test needs to be seriously pushed or taken off the roster. While I can think of better guys than Test I'd like to see get a push, I think they need to pull the trigger and let him run. No guts, no glory.

Segment 6

We're live in Norfolk, don't you know?

Bischoff is backstage with Rob...Van...Dam, and he's reminding RVD of how important the Intercontinental Title is to Raw. In comes The Too Damn Big Show to ask why he doesn't have the shot, and RVD calls him a giant tool. Show wants a chance at the shot, but Bischoff won't allow it. Bischoff doesn't even want RVD breaking a sweat before SummerSlam, but RVD wants the match as a warm up. Bischoff relents, but he wants it to be clean so that RVD can be 100% going into SummerSlam. RVD says no problem. Show says "You've got a problem. A big problem."

Terri is with Flair, and she asks what his announcement from three weeks ago was. Nobody cares anymore, Terri, and Flair says it's on hold because he's going after Jericho...who immediately runs in and attacks Flair with a garbage can. Flair is busted wide open as Jericho continues the assault. He even tosses a poor defenseless referee around. Can you say "first blood match"?

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RVD vs. Big Show? Well, they're scheduled for the Youngstown house show (at least at last report), so it should be a good look at whether I wasted my money or not.

As far as the Jericho-Flair thing goes...well, this doesn't make me want to see the match anymore than I already do (the match stands on its own on paper), but at least they're trying to get people some sort of backstory leading into it.

Segment 7

One fall "clean match": Rob...Van...Dam vs. The Too Damn Big Show

Hype the SmackDown tapings, JR! Hype it! Good boy. RVD goes to the legs, but Show goes to the power moves. Out to the floor, and Show goes for a knee but gets the ringsteps. Show goes back to power moves and rams RVD into the ringpost. Then he brings the ringsteps back into the ring. RVD avoids a choke slam, but only momentarily. But instead of a cover, Show grabs the ring steps and gets ready to drop them on RVD...but Bischoff shouts "three minutes" and in come Jamal and Rosie. There's the bell, and I assume Show wins by DQ at 2:35. One of them puts the steps over Show's knees so the other can do the top rope splash. What reaction there is (and there isn't much) consists of boos.

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Um...yeah. Talk about your pointless segments. This does nothing for RVD leading into SummerSlam, as he was essentially Show's bitch for two minutes. This does nothing for Big Show because he couldn't put RVD away. This does nothing for the Island Boyz, since they got more of a reaction for powerslamming a midget than they did for laying someone somewhat credible out. I've seen more poignant segments on Iron Chef.

Segment 8

If you're in New York, you can see SummerSlam at the World for inflated prices!

Coach is with The Rock to discuss tonight's no DQ main event. Rocky plays up their history, but goes overboard by saying it goes back to the nursery. No, colonial times. No, the caveman days. I thought they were the "New Generation" in 1996, and here they're thousands of years old. They sure threw me off. Coach says earlier today, we got a video from Paul Heyman, so The Rock does some more old gay guy jokes. It's just a basic video of Brock F5ing everybody with "Footage courtesy of the next WWE Undiputed Champion Brock Lesnar" at the end of it. And rumor has it...they're in the building. It's just a rumor, which we mention only because it's probably true. Brock is the "Next Big Bitch", says the Rock. Just bring it, if you smell....yeah, you know the rest.

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Well, on the bright side, the crowd woke up. On the downside, The Rock is relying on stale catch phrases and references that make absolutely no sense. Colonial times? OK, since they're in Virginia, sure, we let it slide. Caveman times? What time machine is he using? And can I borrow it so I can go back to 2000 and see this match when I cared? I'm not looking forward to this match, but if it's half of what they were doing two years ago, it's will be more than acceptable.

Segment 9

Triple H goes into Bischoff's office for a meeting. Apparently Michaels signed those documents. All that and Shawn's not even on-camera? Bischoff than decides to make the HHH-HBK match non-sanctioned so that WWE itself doesn't get sued. I repeat, don't they agree to that by signing the match contract? I know it still cost the company a shitload of money in 1990, but damn. Hunter promises the most brutal match ever. If you can top Vader and Cactus Jack from Halloween Havoc 93, more power to you.

And now, Fozzy performs "To Kill A Stranger". I'm waiting for them to stop screwing with the feedback and start playing. Oh, they are playing. I can barely hear Jericho singing, and he's got the mic right by his mouth. And sadly, that might be a good thing. And Lawler can keep his mouth shut, that might help. Are their three minutes up yet? Lawler says they'll be on MTV. Good, I only watch MTV for Heat. The crowd boos, so Jericho threatens another song...but out comes Flair. He grabs a guitar and chases Jericho with it, then tosses it into a speaker and breaks it before destroying the rest of the equipment. Then he chases Jericho out through the crowd.

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HHHClock Update: 2 segments, 13:56, the first 11:55 of it ruled pointless. Seriously, the point was made simply with that backstage segment. The in-ring promo was unnecessary. This is why I prefer watching wrestlers wrestle on a wrestling show. The interviews are fine when they further something. That one did not. As for the mini-concert, I could barely hear the singing, but the beat was nice and you could dance to it. 6 out of 10, but keep them off my TV! That's one song I won't be downloading on KaZaA anytime soon.

Segment 10

Let's hype Fozzy appearance at the World! If anybody's still going!

Let's run down the SummerSlam card!

Let's look at The Rock get a call on his cell phone! Which he doesn't answer! But Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman and King Brock I are on their way to the ring, and Heyman is on his cell phone. Wow! Continuity from 1989! And Heyman leaves Rocky a voice mail that will be outdated by the time he hears it!

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Heyman and Brock got ringside seats to a sold out show for the second straight week. Uh huh, I'm buying that. Can we just get this show over with already?

Interestingly, I'm looking forward to three matches at SummerSlam. RVD-Benoit, Rey Jr.-Angle, and Eddy-Edge. The common denominator? At least one SmackDown guy in each match. I'm borderline on Flair-Jericho and the tag title match. But I'm seeing it for free after an indy show, so what the hell. I get my money's worth.

Segment 11

We return with Bischoff telling Heyman and Brock that they'll be thrown out if they even think about interfering. But Eric, it's no DQ!

Non-title no disqualification match scheduled for one fall: Hungry Hungry Hippos vs. Rocky wants to be in pictures (WWE Undisputed Champion)

Rocky stares down Brock and Heyman. Then he sort of glances at Hunter. Heh. The bell rings, and we have a staredown. They exchange recipes, and Hunter's all "Talk to the hand and just bring it." Ah, it's mind games. I see. Rocky brings it with lots of punches and a clothesline. Whip into the corner from two feet away, and Hunter goes over the top to the floor anyway. Rocky out after him and clotheslining Hunter down. Hunter uses the guardrail to his advantage, then rolls in and out to break the count...in a no DQ match. A countout is a disqualification. Not in WWE-land, I guess. Anyway, back in the ring, and it's HHH targetting the ribs. Good strategy. A man who can't breathe can't fight. Hunter into an abdominal stretch, a legitimately painful hold that hasn't won a match in about 30 years. Hunter even uses the ropes for leverage. No DQ! Rocky out of it with a hiptoss. His comeback is stopped with a thumb to the eye. Double clothesline, and both men are down. This type of countout is NOT a DQ, even in my book, so Earl Hebner tries the double count. Both men up to their feet, and it's Rocky with punches to regain the advantage. "Greco-Roman throw" for 2. Spinebuster, and you know the setup. People's Elbow, but Rocky sells the ribs. That provides enough time for Hunter to kick out at 2. Hunter begs off and gets in a low blow. Outside they go, and Hunter rams the steel steps into The Rock's head. Hunter reaches under the ring, and he's got the trusty sledgehammer. Brock hops the guardrail, Earl tries to grab the sledgehammer, and Hunter knees Earl in the crotch. Hunter sets Rocky up, but in comes the Holy Bible Kid to make the save. It's short-lived, but Rocky saves Shawn from a Pedigree. Hunter regains the advantage, Brock goes after Shawn...but Shawn works over Brock and superkicks him to the floor. Brock is on his way out of the building. Rock Bottom to Hunter, but Rocky wants Brock, so he goes through the crowd to get him. Hunter is out of the ring, and Shawn does a plancha onto Hunter AND security. Shawn gets the best of a brawl down the ramp, and we're out (no contest in 10:27).

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Decent match with some good psychology, but that was all ruined by the excessive run-ins at the end of it. We saw just enough of the old Hunter Hearst Helmsley to give some hope for the future, and just enough of the old Shawn Michaels to give some hope for Sunday. A nice enough way to build toward the pay-per-view, but it comes at the expense of a main event you spent a week hyping. Although why does Brock have to sell for a guy who hasn't wrestled in over four years? I'm supposed to believe him beating The Rock after that?

Overall, a "bleh" show with a couple of decent matches. I dug the hardcore match, and the six man tag and main event were passable, so a good enough show. But there wasn't enough RVD, too much HHH, and too much that was just there without meaning anything. I mean, bra and panties in a mud pit is fun, but what's the point in the long run? There is none. Call it 5 out of 10 or thumbs in the middle or whatever you want and forget about it by the end of the week.

The final HHHClock: 3 segments, 28:23, 1 match lasting approximately 10:27 (assuming it ended when we faded to black), 11:55 of it mindless filler.

And wwe.com advertised Regal and Nowinski, dammit! Where the hell were they? Well, where was Regal, at least?

Tune in late Thursday/early Friday for Dr. Tom's SmackDown recap, and I'll be here sometime Saturday to fill you in on Friday's house show in Youngstown, Ohio.

Want to give me feedback (and not the kind that Fozzy calls "music"? You know the addy.

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