by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

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Raw from JHawk's Beak (10/7/2002)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

Dawggone it: I have bones to pick with just about everybody associated with the Cleveland Browns after spending $90 in tickets and $20 in parking (isn't that against antitrust laws?) watching my Cleveland Browns literally hand the Baltimore Ravens a 23-0 lead before going "You know, the fans probably want to see us score some points." However, since they did the same shit that cost them the Steelers games, I won't bother repeating myself, but I do have a gripe with Browns fans. See, when it became painfully clear that Tim Couch wasn't going to throw to an open receiver even when he did have time to throw, I was chanting for them to bring Kelly Holcomb in like everybody else was. Hell, it's 23-0, what do you have to lose at this point? But Tim Couch goes down hurt in the fourth quarter and the fans cheer? The real fans are the ones who think, "It's a shame he's hurt," even if it leads to the situation you wanted. They're not the ones who cheered thinking "Good, he's hurt, maybe he'll never play again." Well, that's what happens when you're already tailgating at 10am for an 8:30 game, I guess. Morons.

But a quick note to the Browns offensive coordinator. When the fans know the play is William Green up the middle, and William Green hasn't gotten positive yardage up the middle all season, odds are the Ravens are going to stop him. Stop calling that damn play! I swear, the Browns coaching staff is like the WWE writing team. As good as they can be, half the time you'd think they were trying to fuck it up.

Is anybody else confused? I don't necessarily mind SmackDown getting their own tag team titles, but must they be called the "WWE Tag Team Titles"? Um, guys...you already have them on Raw. If you insist on making another tag team title, call it the SmackDown Tag Team Title. Or the World Tag Team Title. Call it "The Stephanie McMahon and her Implants Commerative Tag Team Title" for all I care. Just call it something else besides "WWE Tag Team Titles". Little common sense bullshit like that is why we have less and less hope that the product's going to come around anytime soon.

Tonight: It's Raw Roulette from Vegas, as every match is Spin the Wheel Make the Deal style. Every match a brutal affair, although some of them just brutal to watch.

Cheatum the Evil Midget: "Brutal! Brutal!"

But it does include Trish Stratus defending the Women's Title against Stacy Keibler, so at the very least I can stare at my favorite WWE diva for a few minutes.

Segment 1

We just happen to be in Las Vegas during TNN's Vegas Month, so it's time for Raw Roulette! And here is Easy E with a wheel and two showgirls. What will the spin of the wheel provide? All seven deadly sins are represented, so our first match...................a steel cage match. So far, so good.

The cage is already lowered for Raw Roulette! Live from Vegas, with people watching at the world, and Good Ol' JR and The Pharaoh calling the action at the Thomas and Mack Center!

Steel Cage Match where the only way to win is escaping the cage: Booker T vs. The Too Damn Big Show

This has potential but will probably suck. It's good that Show can get through the door because I don't think he's going to be able to climb out over the top. Show goes to work on Booker with knees and takes Booker down with a sidewalk slam. Brilliant strategy by Booker, as he tries to leave the second he gets an advantage. Show, however, dominates the early portion of the match with his slow offense. Dear God, what an overhand chop. Booker avoids an avalanche attempt after a whip to the corner and tries to go through the door, but Show stops it and slams Booker into the cage. I'm hoping for the St. Valentine's Day Massacre finish. And Show sends the back of Booker's head into the cage in a sick looking spot. Back suplex, but Show makes no attempt to leave the cage. Booker ducks a clothesline and gets a spinning leg lariat, but Show is going to work again quickly. Vertical suplex, and some Booker offense would be nice. Show goes to the door, but he doesn't want to win yet, and I doubt you have to try to hard to guess the finish from here. Booker finally chopping back, but is quickly stopped with a knee. Big Boot to the face. And he walks over Booker T's chest. And Show kicks him like he's making sure he actually killed him. Well, it is Vegas, anything's possible. Show finally goes for the door, but Booker stops it and gets a leg lariat as Show is caught between the cage and the ropes. And the scissors kick while he's draped over the ropes. Booker T is trying to climb out the cage, but Show is getting up, so Booker gets the scissors kick from the top rope! Nice! Booker is climbing yet again, but Show grabs an ankle. Both men on the top rope, but a kick to the nads sends Show to the mat, and Booker climbs out for the victory at 8:06. Good for a Big Show match, but that's not saying much. Booker looks like he's going for the Spinnaroonie on the floor, but it's Y2J(2) from behind, and with help from the cage, it's a beatdown that makes no sense even given last week's show. Right into the steel support beam of the cage! He's got Booker T busted open as the beating continues. It's about damn time the officials are out there!

Backstage, Easy E tells HurriKane that he hopes they don't end up like Booker. Hurricane might be on screen, but he gets pushed into the background so they can hype No Mercy. Anyway, after a spin of the wheel, we find out the titles are going to be on the line in a TLC match. Hurricane: "Holy Mick Foley!"

They're still trying to help Booker T to the back at ringside.

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Usually a cage match ends a show (unless you were at MSG in the late 70s and early 80s, when they'd make it the midpoint of the card for no apparent reason), but when you've got The Big Show in it, it's probably best to get it over with. Some innovative spots by Booker saved this from being a total dud, but I'm digging the possibility of a Booker T-Chris Jericho match. Now if only they'd have kept the Intercontinental belt on Jericho and decided the unification bit is a stupid idea.

I think Kane's appearance tonight officially kills off the legacy of the TLC match.

Segment 2

Did you know we're in Vegas?

Someone Feed Terri wants to know why Jericho attacked Booker for no reason. If there was no reason, why are you asking what the reason is? No reason? Jericho's sick of being treated unfairly by the freaks in the WWE. If Terri's an assclown, then I officially have no clue what the hell an assclown is since I assumed it had to do with Bradshaw and jail time. Anyway, Jericho says that anybody who messes with him is getting busted open just like Booker did. Jericho: "I am not a sucker." But Terri is, Chris. How do you think she keeps her job?

Another spin of the wheel, and Hungry Hungry Hippos will be in a blindfold match. It's dangerous, you know that, right? Only for my sanity. He thinks Bischoff's trying to keep him and Kane apart. Anyway, The Man (WHOO!) brings Bischoff Mandy and Sandy for reasons that aren't really explained. And in comes William Regal to question why we're spinning the wheel. Bischoff spins the wheel, and Regal will be in a Las Vegas Showgirl Match. Regal must wrestle dressed like a Las Vegas Showgirl. Goldust is behind him, and says "Your country has a queen. Now you can be one too."

Hell in a Cell hype. Wrong show guys!

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Well, the Las Vegas Showgirl Match is too fishy for me to believe that this spinning the wheel thing is legit, but I don't know why you'd rig the wheel to have a blindfold match. Actually, I do. This way when Triple H's match sucks ass, he can blame it on the shitty stipulation. I've never been able to get a beer during a recap before. Cool.

Segment 3

Batista gets a weightlifting video! And it appears he's coming to Raw!

Non-Title Blindfold Match: Hungry Hungry Hippos (World Heavyweight Champion--w/The Man WHOO!) vs. D'Lo Brown

Sign in crowd as Hunter sets up the water: "Waste of Life". I want that screen captured and sent to me so I can use it for a signature. For those who never saw the WrestleMania VII monstrosity, both men are blindfolded and will stagger around the ring until they do one spot and the finish. Nice to see D'Lo on Raw though. D'Lo wants Hunter to be blindfolded first. Good call. Flair at ringside is trying to tell Hunter where to go. Is that a TNA sign in the crowd? They quickly lock up and go to the corner, and when they break, D'Lo side steps as Hunter taunts an empty corner. D'Lo grabs Earl Hebner by mistake and Hunter gets a shot from behind. Pedigree attempted, but D'Lo backdrops out of it and punches away at Hunter before covering for 2. They bump into each other, and D'Lo hits the Sky High, but Hunter rolls toward the ropes. Flair distracts the referee, Hunter takes off the blindfold, hits the Pedigree, and covers for 3 at 2:39 as the sick Vegas crowd counts along.

Bischoff is backstage, and he's with Christian, Bubba Ray Dudley, and Mr. Extreme, and they're refusing to compete in TLC, so Bischoff threatens a suspension and tells them to find their partners. In comes Goldust, and he's ready for the Showgirl Match.

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Well shit. The one time they get the booking right in a Triple H match (blatant cheating being the direct result of the pin), the fucking crowd pops for it. Between the Browns and this, I'm starting to think there is no God. Or at the very least He's getting a laugh at my expense.

So it's a four team TLC match, and it's probably getting the last two segments. Depending on who the partners are, it works for me.

Segment 4

Las Vegas Showgirl Match: Goldust vs. William Regal

Dustin looks way too comfortable in that getup. Security has to drag Regal to the stage, and he's playing it well. Showgirl music hits, and Regal's facial expressions are already saving the segment. Didn't either Jake or Pete do this on Tough Enough 2? Goldust gets a shot in before the bell and goes to work over Regal. Regal is already set up for the Golden Globes, but out comes Lance Storm, which provides Regal enough time to get in the Power of the Punch. Regal stuffs them into his top and covers for the pin at :51. Storm and Regal off arm-in-arm...maybe Regal works cheaper than the ones on the streets.

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On the bright side, they kept it short, and the prematch stuff was hilarious. But next time put two guys that nobody cares about in one of these things and let the guys who can work the 20-minute match work an actual match! And didn't the Un-Americans break up last week?

Segment 5

Are they in Vegas tonight? I can't tell.

Terri is with Christian to find out who his partner is, and since he wants to win, his partner won't be an Un-American. The only TLC match that Christian didn't win was the one with Chris Jericho, who asks to be (and gets a chance to be) Christian's partner.

Trish the Cheating Bitch and My Future Wife are going to be in a Blank on a Pole Match (the blank being "paddle"), and we go for double or nothing, and Bischoff intentionally stops the wheel on Bra and Panties. HLA! HLA!

Bubba Ray asks Tommy F'N Dreamer to be his partner, ignoring Little Spike Dudley. Spike is disappointed, so Dreamer agrees to step aside.

Stacy's on her way to the ring, and a technician tells her her shoe is untied...and stares at her ass! I agree with Lawler, he's my hero.

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Didn't we just establish that the Un-Americans are still together?

So we strip a woman to her bra and panties, and the winner spanks the loser. Hmm...wrestling-wise, this is going to suck, but we know Stacy's going to lose, so I'm going to be a happy camper until I realize how much the match sucks.

I get the Dudleys/Dreamer segment, but I'm disappointed that Dreamer's apparently out of the mix. Unless Dreamer ends up being Jeff Hardy's partner.

Segment 6

Bra and Panties Paddle on a Pole Match for the WWE Women's Championship: My Future Wife vs. Trish the Cheating Bitch (champion)

How much is the Divas Undressed magazine? I want it! Trish has shitty new music. L'il Kim, apparently. Another reason to cheer for Stacy. Stacy pulls Trish down by the hair before the bell, and she sends Trish face first into the title belt. Stacy with the weakest kicks to the midsection ever. Terri wouldn't even have to sell them. Hell, Dink wouldn't even have to sell them! Trish making a comeback, and her kicks are only slightly more credible. Trish goes for Stratusfaction, but Stacy sends Trish into the corner. Both ladies lose their tops. How much are those puppies in the squared circle? Spinning leg lariat by Stacy, and she goes for the pants, but Trish counters and gets the win at 2:18. Stacy with a side kick from behind after the match, and she goes for the pole, but Trish regains the advantage, grabs Stacy's panties, and spanks Stacy. And here is Victoria, and they begin to brawl on the floor. Victoria pretty much lays Trish out. She rolls Trish into the ring, and OH MY GOD what a superkick! Bodyslam, and Victoria up top...moonsault! That will knock the puppies from a 36D to a 36B. Out of the ring again, and into the steps goes Trish, and Charles Robinson finally gets some sense of order.

Coach is with Jeff Hardy, and he reveals his partner...Rob...Van...Dam.

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Hey, anytime Stacy is in her bra and panties, I'm a happy guy, but this match has no business being on my TV, especially as the main event of the first hour. I do, however, like the idea behind an actual feud in the women's division that doesn't revolve around underwear and fat asses. The blowoff needs to be killer though.

So TLC IV will be HurriKane, Christian/Jericho, Dudley Boyz, and Hardy/RVD. Dreamer got hosed, but this could be awesome in spite of Kane being in there. I like Kane, but he's out of his element here.

Segment 7

OK, Vegas, we get the fucking point already.

Coach catches up with Victoria and asks why she's doing the beatdowns. Victoria says it's about the Women's Title...and to tell people who Trish really is. Trish will deny, but "She hurt me, so it's her turn to be hurt."

Al Snow vs. Test

Bischoff hasn't spun the wheel yet, so here we go. This will be a Las Vegas Street Fight. And this isn't hardcore....how...exactly? Anyway, everything's under the ring, so that's the first thing they do. Test using a street sign. I don't know what Test has there, but it doesn't matter, because Test gets caught on the top rope. Snow uses a pair of giant dice, and he goes up top with a street sign, but Test catches him coming down with a stop sign and covers for 2. Test sets up a garbage can in the corner, but Snow drop toeholds him into the can and covers for 2. Snow with punches, and when Test reverses a whip, Snow does a Flair Flip, but is met with a trash can lid on the apron. Test brings him and covers for 2. Snow set up on the turnbuckle, and Test sets up the garbage can, but Snow counters and drops Test onto it. Flying bodypress, but only a count of 2. Test goes for a power bomb, Snow tries to counter with a rana but gets blocked, but he grabs the trash can lid and levels Test with it. Test backs up so that he's leaning against the bottom turnbuckle, so Snow grabs a bowling ball. Wasting time by putting on a bowling shirt, so Test goes for a Big Boot, Snow ducks and goes for a bowling ball shot, which misses, and then they slip on the street signs trying to another spot. A couple of trash can lid shots, and the bowling ball shot wins it at 5:39.

Lawler's got a match tonight. It could be HLA. Or Puppies on a Pole. Or an inferno match. Inferno match? That has Lawler worried.

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So much for the end of the promotion jumping. *sigh* Anyway, an entertaining match with the right guy going over, so no complaints here. Not the best hardcore ma---I mean, street fight ever, but given just about the right amount of time. Nice segment.

Here's hoping it's Raven vs. Lawler in a Raven Must Win Match where the winner does color commentary on Raw.

Segment 8

Look at the fountains in Vegas while we sell you stuff!

The Pharaoh vs. Stevie Richards

A spin of the wheel and we have..."It's Legal in Nevada". Nobody has a clue what the hell this is...until The Godfather comes out with about eight hos. This wheel isn't rigged at all. One of those hos looks like Lillian Garcia. Godfather knows what's legal...this is his home. The winner of this match gets to take a ride on the Hoooooooooooooooo Train! And he lets the crowd say "ho train". Maybe the writers decided Lawler badly needed laid. Richards attacks from behind and goes for the quick pin. Elbowdrop by Richards for 2. And another suplex for 2. "We want hos" chant as Richards works him over in the corner, and it fires Lawler up enough to take down the strap. Lawler throws a dropkick (!), and there's the flying fistdrop, but Richards gets the foot on the rope before the pin. Lawler telegraphs a backdrop, so Richards sets up the piledriver. Lawler with a backdrop, Richards going for a sunset flip, but Lawler sits down and cradles the legs for the win at 2:23. In come the hos, and Lawler's having fun. Maybe his future ex-wife is in that pile.

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Just when you think you've seen it all, they come up with something like this. The match was OK, the stipulation probably would have been good if we hadn't already had a Las Vegas Showgirls Match and a Bra and Panties Match tonight, and hopefully Lawler will stop dwelling on puppies. Nah, he's not actually getting laid, so it'll just make him more frustrated.

Segment 9

Another 1970s NFL Films video for Randy Orton.

We have a crowd watching at The World, and Randy Orton is hosting the Raw party. Tell me those fans aren't being paid to chant his name. They are setting up the TLC Match, so we're getting the 20-minute match out of this. JR is by himself in the booth. Thank God.

Terri is backstage with Kane. Kane has been fighting the odds for a long time, but he's finally happy, and he's got a chance to hold three titles at once, and he's gonna do it, bah gawd! Coach runs in and tells Kane that Hunter and Flair are beating on The Hurricane. Oh fuck you, he's the only one on that team I want to see! And they took his mask off, because it worked so well for Jamie Noble and Nidia.

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Well, shit. Just when I'm getting pumped for this one, they take one of the better workers in it out of it. I don't care if it's building to No Mercy or not. Attack Kane and let him miss the first 15 minutes of the match before making the "miracle" comeback. Smarks are going to be pissed if the Kane push doesn't end with an RVD Intercontinental Title win next week anyway, so you might as well be blatant about it.

Segment 10

TLC IV for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Rob...Van...Dam and Mr. F'N Extreme vs. The New but not Improved Dudley Boyz vs. Christian and Y2J(2) vs. HurriKane (champions)

Raw's in Montreal next week. That can't be good. New gay-looking outfit for Christian. For the record, we have tag ropes when tags don't count. Only two of these guys are heels. Kane is flying solo but is still pretty much having his way with all six men. Attempts to win already, and they're already failing. Kane and RVD are going at it in the ring. Hardy in for a double team, but Kane counters with a double clothesline. Kane and Hardy to the floor, and Kane sends Hardy into the ringpost. RVD with the save, and the guardrail clothesline knocks Kane down. Fuck, I don't know how to call all this without watching the tape about 16 times and delaying this until Wednesday. Jericho clotheslines Spike. Christian and Jericho set the ladder up in the top turnbuckle and send Spike face first into it. Jericho and Christian backdrop Bubba Ray. Miscommunication, and Bubba with the Flip Flop and Fly. Kane to the top with a flying clothesline to Christian. Bubba with the ladder and using it on Kane. Bubba goes for the win, but Kane pulls him off and choke slams him. In comes Spike...down goes Spike. And Kane throws Spike over the top rope and onto RVD. And Jericho hits Kane in the face with the ladder. The Canadian Connection set Kane on a table. They set up a ladder, and RVD springboards it into their faces. Wow, that wasn't nearly as contrived as usual. Hardy sets up the double giant ladders and climbs...and legdrops Kane through the table. "Holy shit" chant breaks out. Bubba dumps a ladder over the top and hits Jericho with it. Bubba climbing up...Christian power bombs him down, and we take our last...

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Dear God, they're breaking out all the high spot here, and they've still got another 15 minutes or so to go. Hot damn! So far, this is the best Raw match since RVD-Benoit, and it could challenge the RVD-Guerrero ladder match for Raw Match of the Year at this pace.

Segment 11

We are back with Bubba Ray chopping away at RVD. Bubba and RVD up separate ladders as ECW chants start, and Jericho and Christian for saves. Jericho bulldogs Bubba off, and Christian takes RVD down with an inverted DDT. That was cool! And Spike is the only one standing now...and Christian pulls him off. Christian starts climbing as Kane finally reenters the ring. But Christian is too tired to climb. Subtle. I like it. RVD and Christian begin to brawl, and Christian starts to climb again, but Kane pushes the ladder over and Christian falls crotch first on the top rope. In comes Hardy, and he becomes Kane's bitch. And Kane is setting up the ladder for the possible win, but Spike holds his leg for dear life...and nearly dies when he gets put through the ladder. But Jericho with a chair, and he knocks the ladder into Kane's face. And a chair shot for Bubba. But RVD with a spinning heel kick to Jericho (missing the chair). Kane in the corner, Hardy holding the chair...Van Terminator! Jericho tries to suplex Hardy into the ladder, but it gets counter with a suplex into the ladder by Hardy. Christian to the top rope, but he gets caught, and Hardy bodyslams him onto the ladder. Hardy going for the win to the delight of overweight 14 year old girls, but Bubba is climbing as well...superplex off of the ladder! Dear God, what a match! RVD is going for the win now....and Bubba stops him with some punches and they both fall off the ladder. It's Jericho's turn to go for the win, and Spike tries to stop him, but keeps getting kicked away...until he turns the ladder over and Jericho goes headfirst over the top rope. I have never seen that! Thank God he did that flip going over! Spike going for a potential miracle victory...but he's the shortest one so Christian is able to stop him before he can grab the belts. Spike goes for the Dudley Dawg, but Christian dumps him over the top rope and through a table. Christian going for the win, but Bubba up with him...Super Bubba Bomb! That's the one time that move is even slightly credible! RVD to the top rope...Five Star Frog Splash! And to the top rope goes Hardy! And he misses the Swanton Bomb! Bubba backdrops Hardy over the top rope and through a table. RVD with a Van Daminator to Bubba. RVD going for the belts, but Jericho with a chair for the save. Jericho climbing after him...Walls of Jericho (sorta) on the top of the ladder! Jericho reaching, but there's Kane to go for it, and he wants a choke slam, but Jericho's fighting...there's the super choke slam! And Kane sits up old school style! Kane going for the belts...and he gets them at 25:08 in what might be the longest match in Raw history!

BUT WAIT! Hunter is at the top of the stage, and he promised Kane's life would never be the same. Stop being so happy, Kane, because...because...how happy is Katie Vick? WHO? Ah, Kane killed her 10 years ago. Cue the ominous soap opera music.

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END OF SHOW
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Way to ruin a perfectly good fucking show, guys. Couldn't you just leave everything alone? All you had to do was end the show with that TLC match, and that was the best Raw in months. But somebody got the idea to have a murder storyline, and I'm sorry, but.... I know it's supposed to be a male soap opera, but I want my soap opera to be based on who wins and loses, and not who killed somebody three before he started wrestling. Didn't we already try this with The Undertaker's parents? I wasn't in message boards very consistently back then, but I remember people backlashing at the rumor of that one, and Paul Bearer having to quell that in an AOL chat before they went with it anyway. This has no business being a storyline in a wrestling show. If I wanted a shitty storyline that make no sense in the context of the product, I'd watch Passions. This is why you need to stop hiring TV writers and start hiring people who are knowledgable about wrestling. I know efed heads who have a better grasp of episodic writing. Like me, for one, and I can hook you up with others if need be.

Anyway, great main event, two other decent matches, and even the crap (outside of the last 30 seconds) being entertaining. The problems...the angle they established in the last 30 seconds of the show and the excessive use of T & A. Hey, Trish vs. Stacy was fine, but when you add Regal in high heels and Lawler being trampled by eight local strippers, it becomes a bit much.

A slight thumbs up though, because the excellent main event got over 20% of the show. But kill the murder angle now so we forget about it.

Feedback goes here.

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