by Retro Rob

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WWE Confidential January 4, 2003

Before we start I have one question, WHY EDDY WHY?? IMO, Eddy is the only man that actually looked good with a mullet. I'm still in denial, so let's move on.

Last Week's Rating: 0.8

This week we tour Lawler's castle and hear Tazz's story. Hopefully Lawler's house is more interesting than the Rock's trailer.

Lawler seems to be a pack rat to say the very least. He has a whole room devoted to Coca Cola. The King has NEVER drank alcohol, so in turn he became a Coke addict. Lawler filled the shell of a dining room table with his more rare Coca Cola memorabilia, covered it with glass, and eats off it. He also became a fan of Coke because of the artwork that was found on it's advertisements. His favorite Coca Cola item was a poster given to him by Harvey Wippleman that now costs a fortune. Lets search Jerry's fridge. I don't see any of JR's BBQ sauce, tisk tisk. He has some leftover Thanksgiving turkey and a bunch of unidentifiable TV dinners. Lawler likes to keep mistletoe in his refrigerator at all times. He claims to be making a mistletoe belt. The King, being an artist himself, has many of his paintings around the house. The next room is all about Gone with the Wind. He also has a Florida room that has a lot of shells in it. The living room is decked out with Christmas stuff including a HEAVILY decorated tree. The King likes to keep Christmas lights around his bedposts year round. There is yet another room with miscellaneous collections and lastly a royal room that includes a throne. Lawler actually acted like a down to Earth guy here. NOTHING like his Raw persona. Now if only Lawler could be more like this with a little more of a heel edge, Raw's announcing woes would be solved. Fun segment on a whole as I am a Lawler mark. Don't get me wrong, I don't like the parody that he has turned into, but I do love the REAL King.

Segment 1: 1/1

JR recaps his history as it pertains to Oklahoma. He was a Sooner fan forever, as was just about everyone down there. The Sooner's Fight Song always gets JR going. He takes a look back at the time Austin beat the shit out of him in Oklahoma City. More of that lovely footage from when JR joined the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club follows. JR will never forget that night, as his kids were all watching stunned in the crowd. Then of course the other week everything came full circle when JR won the match against the Commonwealth Connection (thanks Bob). The greatest honor in his professional career was having all those college kids play him down to the ring two weeks ago. "It was a nice feeling to come home to Oklahoma and leave with a smile on my face.... for once." Someone seems a little disenchanted. Honestly though, I feel bad for JR. The guy is nothing more than a WWE shill and a shell of his former self, but I still think it is horrible how the WWE treated him in his hometown last year. The guy should have looked forward to performing in front of his home crowd, but probably dreaded going back home because of the shit that he would be put through while his family and friends watched from the front row. In the end, I thought this was a nice feel-good segment.

Segment 2: 2/2

Before They Were Superstars
This is not an official BTWS segment, but it is one essentially. Tazz's mom was told she would never have a baby. One way or another she ended up giving birth to "the most mischievous little bitch". That was great. Tazz had a boring childhood. His dad threatened to break both of his legs if Tazz was ever caught with drugs, so he avoided those. He stayed active in athletics and went on to be his high school's varsity football captain at age 13. His school was very dangerous. It was one of the first to get metal detectors. Tazz goes back to visit his school, which is MUCH cleaner now. He met up with Johnny Rodz, who trained him for nine months. Bill DeMott started in Rodz's school around the same time and got his ass handed to him by Tazz. On October 1, 1993 Paul Heyman hired Tazz for the ECW. Heyman gives the whole "I knew he would be a Superstar..." speech that just about everyone and their mother says on this show. Tazz was working the Tasmaniac gimmick at the time. He was the first short guy (5'8'') to be billed as a legitimate monster. Paul E. believes that if you poll ANY group of fans, the majority will say that Tazz is the toughest guy backstage. Please...when you have a guy like HHH backstage, no one else matters. During one TV taping, Paul gave Tazz a mic. Tazz never spoke before and just threw the mic to the floor. Once Paul E. walked back to the locker room Tazz punked him out and told him NEVER to hand him a mic again. From that time on, Paul knew that Tazz would be a great promo guy. After six years Tazz accomplished all there was to do in ECW, so he signed on with the WWF. He debuted at the Royal Rumble of 2000 to a monstrous pop. I never really saw what the big deal was about Tazz. He was a good worker at best, but nothing more than that. It is kind of depressing though seeing how the WWF wasted him as a wrestler considering how over he was in ECW. No wonder he gave up being an active performer. Either way, he gets my vote as best commentator of 2002, so more power to him.

Segment 3: 2.5/3

Fantasy Match: Rob Van Dam vs. Jimmy Snuka
I'm not really sure what the point of this segment is for it's just various wrestlers commenting on who would win this hypothetical match. I doubt we will ever see this feature again. It will be forgotten just like the one where a different wrestler would come on each week and have their favorite match shown. Anyhow, a handful of workers discuss who would have the strength advantage (Snuka), who would be more agile (RVD), who would be the fan favorite (RVD), and who had the more effective splash (Snuka). And the winner is Jimmy Snuka. How exciting.

The latest Anthology commercial rehashed the old Chyna theme. I'm still not sure whether or not I liked that song.

Segment 4: 2.5/4

Raw Retro- Austin drives a beer truck to the ring. The blurring out of the WWF logo is getting unbearable. I would imagine that due to the WWF lawsuit, we will never see any of the old PPVs released on DVD.

Gene hypes the Raw 10th Anniversary Special stating that BOBBY HENNAN will be in attendance.

A segment on New Year's resolutions follows. Thus far I have kept my New Year's resolution, seeing how this report is up on the 'net in about 12 hours. I’m going to keep track of how often I actually get this review up in under 48 hours. So far I’m 1/1. I'll just run the down the list of what was said by the wrestlers.

Ivory: Continue to wrestle like a 25 year old.
Crash: (Picks nose) Cut out some bad habits.
Al Snow: Win a match, continue with Tough Enough and get head.
Nowinski: Educate his co-workers.
D-Lo: Be a better person.
Booker: Keep his 32 inch waist.

John Cena and Sgt. Slaughter are the only two people that actually keep their resolutions. Everyone else forgets about them after a few days. Speaking of Cena, his rap gimmick is starting to grow on me. It isn't the gimmick itself, but it's the way Cena pulls it off. Although, I don't see the point in feuding C-Note and Bling Bling Buchanan with Los Guerreros.

Segment 5: 2.5/5

Remember that Arn Anderson segment they hyped two weeks ago...well it turns that segment will be next week and we will be getting a short preview tonight. Unbelievable. They can't even keep track of the booking for a magazine show.

Arn discusses how the Four Horsemen formed. JCP was running a TV taping. They were short on time and had to combine Ric Flair's promo with Tully Blanchard's and the Anderson's. During the interview Arn compared the group to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. After the promo, Tony Schiavone told Arn that the group would now be known as the Four Horsemen.

Next Week: ARN ANDERSON, TULLY BLANCHARD~~!!, and RIC FLAIR!

Segment 6: 3/6

Run of the mill show this week. Not much more to say about it. Maybe the Horsemen will salvage next week's show. Oh yeah, I have a new feature to add to the Confidential Review. Now I will keep a running list of all the sites this review will appear on, this way all of the sites can get a little recognition.

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