by Tony Jaymz

---

In The MP3: ”Cry Me A River” I Kid you not...this is a pretty good song, giving me hope for the young Justin Timberlake after all. Though the rest of the album is pretty hit or miss.

On The TV: Angel Can this show ever get any less great? I mean..wow...Angelus is back..Chordy screwed his son...his son is an asshole...good times. Be sure to check out my Angel Season One DVD review in two weeks. Cheap Shill!

DVD Review: Detroit Rock City
Oh The wonders that you can get for 8 bucks...Went to Wal-Mart with 30 dollars and came out with three uber-great movies...one of which had Paul Hogan!

The Movie
This is That 70's Show: The Movie...if they had balls and Kiss! The movie is about 4 Young friends: Hawk( Edward Furlong), Lex( Giuseppe Andrews), Trip (James DeBello ,whom I thought was Jason Mewes the first time I saw it) and the foreman of the hour, Jam ( Sam Hunington) First thing you’ll notice is that in the main cast, and in the cast in general, there isn’t many big names. Besides Furlong, I can’t think of any other movie the others have been in. But they work, and work well. The main plot is the four boys, who are in a Kiss Cover band called Mystery, trying to goto a Kiss concert in...let’s say it together now...Detroit Rock City! Of course Jam’s priest loving, cigarette chain smoking mother( Lin Shaye ) finds the tickets and precedes to burn them...after the fact she made poor Jam dress up like a nerd. Wench. So now Jam’s off to private Catholic School and the other three boys are without tickets to Kiss and their buddy. All is of course not lost, as the boys dope a priest, after running from evil security guard Elvis(Miles Dougal, in a near show stopping 7 minutes of performance) Oh and they won tickets for the contest..though it was Trip who won them...hmmm... Anyways, the boys are off to the city of riots in Lex’s..er..I mean Lex’s Mother’s car, beating down some disco Guido’s in the process. And they pick up the extremely hot disco queen, Christine (Natasha Lyonne), as Trip gives us one of the great pickup lines of the movie: “Some pornos start this way!” Seriously...work that into conversation at parties...always gets the chicks. So they drive into the city, go try and pick up the tickets...but surprise surprise, Trip fucked up.(If you haven’t realized Trip is the wacky stoner type) He never gave his information! Idiot! So they head back to the streets where they find the car stolen...with the girl(who got so high passed out) in it. Oy vey. So they make a deal to go look for tickets separately and come back in an hour. And this is where the movie gets interesting...
Hawk
Hawk does what I think is the smartest...goes to a scalper. Of course he doesn’t have enough money so the scalper just tells him to go across the street and “shake your wee wee” at an amateur night Strip Club. The main problem: He has stage fright. Solution? Get plastered via fake I.D. and a hot mama...literally, a milf(Shannon Tweed) So the time comes for him to come up on stage and....he throws up...alot...a whole pitcher’s worth. Sexy...He of course is screwed out of the reward money by a guy in a cheap costume. Bastards. But all is not lost, as He scores with the milf and she pays him...groovy. ‘Course he can’t catch up with that scalper, so no tickets.

Trip
Trip decides to just beat the shit out of some kids for the tickets. Well, first she steals a strech armstrong from some six year olds and then goes and tries to get the tickets. Well, he picked on the wrong kid, as the kid has big friends. These friends decide if Trip can get them $200, then they won’t beat the hell out of him. So Trip decides, what the hell, rob the store. Before he can, the other guys act as his conscience, but to no avail. Right when he is about to rob the store with his stretch arm..um...gun, a different robber tries to rob the store. Of course, Trip gets some nerve and tells the robber to back off. “Yeah, you and what army?” “The Kiss Army!” THWACK! Stretch Armstrong > Gun. Been that way since biblical times. He of course kissed the hot cashier, and gets some money...but not enough. So he gets his ass kicked again..but barely, as ole Stretch Armstrong again saves his hide as an armor. Still...no tickets.

Lex
Lex does what many people try...sneak into the concert. He is then chased around by the security guards. This includes running into the groupie area were the women-to-men ratio is 10:1. God I love them odds. Plus their naked..and easy. Good times. After much racing around, he is finally expelled from the concert...into the clutches of dogs! Mean dogs, I tell ya. Lex earns the love and respect of the dogs, and realizes that he’s next to a chop shop, one which has two very important things to Lex. “I’m here for the Car and The Girl!”As Lex sics his newly found man’s best friends on the baddies, who run into an office. “What about the dogs” “You got a phone in there?” “Yeah” “Call the cops.”
So lex walks off with a girl and a car, but no Kiss.

Jam
Jam doesn’t even get close to tickets, as his mom catches him and send him to confessional with a priest. Of course, Jam bores the priest so the priest says he’ll come back when Jam has something a wee bit more tasty. Lo and behold, a friend from Jam’s classes stops by, pleads her undying love for Jam, and they do the nasty in the confessional booth. Well, seems the girl is leaving for another state and won’t see Jam agin..sigh. Before meeting back with his posse, Jam tells his mom off, grabs his drumsticks, and sends a priest into an orgasmic fit. Man, this kid and the holymen. Again, no tickets.

So the four meet back together, and they come up with a last ditch effort to get the tickets: Beat the shit out of each other and say some guys mugged their tickets. Well they do, and it looks like it hurt. Of course, the tellers don’t believe so Trip tells them that it was those guys...pointing at the kid and the bullies who robbed trip of his money and wallet. At last! Mystery made it to the Kiss Concert! Roll song, roll credits, good night.
8.5/10

A&V
No complaints whatsoever, the music is tight, the image is crisp, nothing to complain about.
20/20

Special Features
Oh. My. God. Can we say packed? As in good packed? As in 6 more minutes of Elvis? A short movie of of Trip stealing a car? It’s all here, including three commentaries, 3 deleted scenes, 2 music videos, script-to-screen, learn to play “Rock-N-Roll All Nite” on the guitar, and more. Now if that wasn’t great enough one of the three commentaries is by Kiss. That’s right , screw Spielberg, give me Kiss. I usually don’t like commentaries (with one sole exception) but this one is just great, especially since stuff like this was happening in 1978( rallies against Kiss, etc.) Plus, 6 more minutes of Elvis.... the good 70's kind too, not the fat one. All in all, this is THE Special Features bargain bin DVDs should go for.
10/10

That’s right 38.5/40. If you even remotely like That 70's Show, get this movie, it’s everything that show wanted to be..minus the foreign kid.

Tony Jaymz

---