by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (6/12/2003)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

E-Mail of the Week: "Scroby" brought up an interesting point:

I do belive this is the first main event on Smackdown which is a cruiser weight match.. either that or one in a very long time.

I believe so too, or at the very least it's the first cruiserweight main event that wasn't followed by an interview as the "true" main event.

Forums Quote of the Week: You know, it's pretty funny that this tourney, while containing quite a few names of posters that are truly irritating, has more names of posters that I actually like than the Favorite/Best TSM Poster Tournament. It seems backwards. That tourney had all the assholes and annoying guys. Why is this place so screwed up? Good posters get labelled irritating and the irritating ones are labelled good? WTF? -Crucifixio Jones, discussing the "Most Irritating Poster" tournament.

I nominated Crucifixio Jones -Memoirs of an Invisible Chevy, in response

For those of wondering where ROH Road to the Title is, here's the story. Last week I was in a minor car accident and banged my knees up, so between trying to figure out if my knee is OK or not (I won't know before tomorrow) and fighting back about my sixth cold this year already, I simply haven't felt up to finishing it. Quite frankly, I feel like shit today too, but this time I have no choice. I have that ROH review just about done though (just one more match to do) and will put it up ASAP, hopefully by Saturday.

And a huge shoutout to indy wrestler "Your Rolemodel" Ric Lieb, who has linked to TSM over on his official website, as well as plugging my review of UWC Final Exam 2.

Tonight: Brock Lesnar defends the WWE SmackDown Championship against The Big Show. Zach Gowen can win a contract if he defeats Mr. McMahon in an arm wrestling match. Plus a return (or two). So join me, won't you?

Segment 1

The opening montage relives last week's Cruiserweight Title match.

Taped 6/10/2003 from the T.D. Waterhouse Centre in Orlando, Florida. Brock Lesnar vs. Big Show for the title! But first!

One fall for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Rey Misterio Jr. (champion) vs. Matt Hardy v.1.0

Return match clause invoked. Backstage, Hardy blames Crash and Shannon Moore for last week's loss and beats them down. Matt Fact: "Matt is too handsome to wear a mask like Rey". Hardy stares at the belt at the bell but gets met with a dropkick. Hardy immediately gains control, but he runs into a drop toehold into the corner. Hardy quickly hits the Ricochet for 2. Hardy places Rey on the turnbuckle and goes for a neckbreaker, but Rey fights out of it and takes Hardy off the turnbuckle with a bulldog headlock. A few punches, but Hardy with the Side Effect for 2. Another Side Effect is countered into a sunset flip for 2. Rey with a springboard sitdown for 2, and Hardy turns it into a sunset flip for 2. Whip, Hardy holds the ropes as Rey goes for a leapfrog, and Rey immediately favors the groin. Hardy goes for a low blow, but Rey avoids it. 619, springboard legdrop, and a very near fall. Hardy goes for a power bomb, Rey tries to counter and lands on the second rope, but he favors the groin long enough for Hardy to hit the Splash Mountain for 2. Rey grabs the top rope to avoid the Twist of Fate, and Rey struggles into a West Coast Pop for the pin at 4:50. Nowhere near last week's match. *3/4

Tonight, Zach Gowen vs. Mr. McMahon in an arm wrestling match.

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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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I certainly have no problem with these two opening up the show, but given that they went nearly 15 minutes last week and I didn't hear anybody complain about that, I would have liked to see this one get around 8-10 minutes. No complaints other than that though.

Segment 2

Piper's Pit!

Hot Rod (w/Sean O'Haire) says this is the international edition, as he welcomes Eddy Guerrero and Tajiri. O'Haire swigs tequila as Eddy and Tajiri make their way to the ring in a green convertible. Huge "Eddy" chant when they hit the ring. Eddy's always wanted to be on Piper's Pit, and he's a gracious host for providing food, "but you're not going to do the loaded burrito gimmick, are you? Like the coconut to the head?" Piper asks if they're into cheating, and Eddy says "At least we're honest." Piper wants O'Haire to hold one of the belts, and Eddy says "The only thing you can touch are my maracas, holmes." Tajiri hands his belt over in exchange for some sushi. O'Haire won't give it back since they lie too, and Piper toasts Tajiri over some tequila. Tajiri with tequila to the eyes, and they knock the table over and get the belt back.

No Longer Able Sable is in the office, and in comes Stephanie McBitch to find Zach Gowen's contract. They're bringing back the US Title (which was never a WWE Title...hmm...), and now these two have a tiff based over the fact that they're working together and hate each other and stuff.

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Well, Piper's Pit was designed to help Eddy and Tajiri get the gimmick over more than anything else, but if it wasn't for Eddy's one-liners, that would have been a complete waste of time. As far as the US Title goes, it's great that they want to add a secondary title to the show, but considering how they added the Tag Team Titles and how close it is to the Intercontinental Title coming back, this comes off as if they're copying Raw. And is that the stigma they really want to have?

Segment 3

Your special guest ring announcer is Torrie Wilson, and they finally announce their WWE Diva Search contest. Go to wwe.com if you care.

One fall: A-Train vs. "Mr. Ass" Billy Gunn

Torrie's introductions suck ass, for the record. Imagine if Ben Stein was female and did ring announcing. THAT bad! Yes, he's got the "I'm an Ass Man" song again...I heard about another potential return (not knowing who it is), and now I'm worried. A-Train dominates early on as Torrie sucks on a lollipop. Christ, they're stealing gimmicks from NWATNA dancers now. Gunn goes for the Fameasser but walks into a bicycle kick for 2. A-Train goes for the Derailer, but Gunn blocks gets the Fameasser for the pin in 1:27. * Welcome back to Velocity, A-Train. Postmatch, Torrie slaps Billy's ass, so Billy returns the favor. And they walk out together. How sweet.

Earlier tonight, King Brock I arrived. Um...yeah, so?

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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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You can find out who Gunn's new tag team partner is going to be on pretty much every website that posts news updates if you care, but there are only two people they can bring in that would justify the return of the Mr. Ass gimmick...and they weren't exactly worth the effort the last time they were in WWE. Maybe they'll surprise those of us who don't read the spoilers, but I doubt that.

Segment 4

One fall: The Undertaker vs. Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli (w/Chuck Palumbo/Nunzio)

Undertaker begins to work over Stamboli before the bell. Corner clothesline. Taker wants the Last Ride early, but the FBI distract Taker and Stamboli dropkicks him out of the ring. Outside interference galore, but it's merely a minor inconvenience for Taker (sending Nunzio to the back) until Stamboli gets in a baseball slide and Palumbo gets a superkick in. Taker back in, and Stamboli with a slingshot legdrop for 2. Punches and kicks galore. Vertical suplex (nicely done) for 2. Stamboli goes for a flying legdrop, but Taker moves. Lots of punches by Taker. Taker shoves Stamboli into Palumbo, Last Ride, pinfall at 3:44. 3/4* Christ, and I thought the FBI looked weak last week. Jeez! Postmatch, Palumbo attacks Taker from behind and sends him into the ring. Series of punches, but Taker comes back with a flying clothesline. Choke slam! Last Ride, but Nunzio returns to hit Taker with a chair.

Mr. America is getting Zach Gowen prepped for his arm wrestling match. It's NEXT!

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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Well, at least this week, Taker got to be taken down after making the FBI look like crap, and that's a step up from last week, but I still don't believe that any of these have a chance in hell of ever beating Taker in any type of situation. That's extraordinarily bad. Three guys and I can't believe Taker's ever going to lose to them? It's worse than watching a Yankee playoff game.

Segment 5

Here comes Stephanie McMahon to oversee the arm wrestling match that "everybody wants to be a part of" except at least half the live crowd. Let's explain the rules in case you were out of the room the first 12 times they beat you over the head with them...and bring Sable out for the sole purpose of wasting time. She wants the stick, but Steph won't give it to her...and she won't let her talk either. I might start liking Steph at this rate...

...

...

NAH! Let's introduce the participants.

Arm Wrestling Match: Zach Gowen (w/Mr. America) vs. Mr. McAsshole -- if Zach Gowen wins, he receives a WWE contract despite the fact that he's been on SmackDown more without a contract than Funaki has been with a contract

Mr. America tells Vince he's in the wrong warzone and he's fighting the wrong battle because Hulk Hogan is watching at home...so he wants to take Zach's place in this arm wrestling match. Vince is Vince McMahon, so he's got billion dollar biceps, but he signed to arm wrestle Zach, so get out of the ring. OK, explain to me again how Vince is the bad guy when Mr. America wants to cheat. But Vince will agree on two conditions. It's not for the contract, and when Vince wins, Mr. America leaves. He accepts. They go left-handed. Mr. America flips him off, Sable claims cheating, and Steph threatens to call a disqualification if Sable interferes again. Using right hands now, and Sable flashes Mr. America, which enables Vince to win at 1:04 combined. A deal's a deal, Hulk. Go the the locker room. Mr. America threatens to hit Vince, but Vince says he'll call the entire challenge off. And take the GM with you. And Sable, "you have the most beautiful set of...eyes...I have ever seen." Not me. I can think of a few TSM Forums posters who have nicer eyes, in particular. Vince tells Zach he'll even use his bad arm. We're going left-handed. Vince claims he's cheating, and he is (the bad leg is off the mat), but Vince kicks the prosthetic leg out and slams the arm to the table for the win at :48. Vince asks if Zach's going to cry and then orders him out of the ring. "I need athletes in here, not some freak!" Um...then explain the entire Raw uppercard.

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So if Zach wasn't going to win, then what the hell was the point of wasting 15 minutes with this bullshit? We accomplished nothing except stroking Vince McMahon's ego and boring the shit out of me! OK, they'll find some way to give him his contract anyway, but why fucking bother when you refuse to go the only direction with an angle that makes any sense at all? Not entertaining, not even good for marking out, and thus not worth putting on my TV.

Segment 6

Moments ago, we wasted 15 minutes of my life that I'll never get back, and I can't even sue for them.

Mr. America consoles Zach, and in comes The Too Damn Big Show with two words for him..."forget it".

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Chris BeNOIT and The Man Beast Rhyno vs. The Brothers Basham (w/Sheniqua)

Oh boy, Linda Miles returns to WWE TV. She has a riding crop. This can't be good. Note to Vince: Just because she won Tough Enough, you don't have to use her. Rhyno with a clothesline to Doug, but Danny knees him in the back. Swinging neckbreaker by Doug for 2. Reverse chinlock. Rhyno tries to elbow out, but Doug pulls him down by the hair. Rhyno with a whip to the corner, a shoulderblock, and a back suplex. Tag to Danny and Benoit. Snap suplex to Doug for 2, and apparently there was no heel tag. All four men in the ring. Benoit with a release German to Doug, and he goes up top. Sheniqua grabs the ankle, that's enough for the Swan Dive Headbutt to miss, but Benoit gets in the Crippler Crossface. Danny in to make the save. All four in the ring. Rhyno tries to punch Danny, but he moves and hits Benoit, and that leads to the Bashams getting the upset at 3:26. 1/2* Two weeks in a row that Benoit's lost because Rhyno fucked up. They're arguing nose-to-nose...

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This will eventually lead to Benoit being the heel despite the fact that Rhyno is making mistakes, accidental or not. A series of matches between Rhyno and Benoit could be outstanding, but I don't know if Benoit's the one I want as a heel in this situation. But why did they bring Linda Miles up from Ohio Valley Wrestling? Does OVW have anybody left for their TV shows?

Segment 7

Backstage, Benoit and Rhyno are still arguing, and Benoit's not believing Rhyno when he says he's just making mistakes.

One fall: Vanilla Icena vs. SmackDown's #1 Announcer

Cena raps! He has more cork in his bat than Sammy Sosa, and apparently Michael Cole's into boy bands. "I ain't from Orlando, but I got the magic stick. That means I represent your city when I grab my..." Funaki tells Cena he's "ugry" a la the Spartans cheerleaders. Squash, as Cena wins with the F-U in :41. Why the hell bother? DUD

They interrupt for a tornado warning despite the fact that nobody's reported a funnel cloud, but radar picked it up. Sadly, they're acknowledging it's actually nothing and they're STILL wasting time showing it. So in italics is what we missed according to one of the spoiler postings (pulled off of 411, who got them elsewhere, I'm sure.

Next segment was Kurt Angle coming out to a huge pop. Kurt calls out Team Angle. He says he understood why they didn't call him or visit him at the hospital when he was out. He understood that because they were trying to make a name for themselves. He does want to know why he wasn't welcomed back by them last week, but instead they called out sick. Shelton Benjamin responds by saying Team Angle was sick, sick of being overshadowed by Angle.Team Angle goes to explain that Kurt wasn't their for them when they were getting beat in a ladder match. Etc. etc. Kurt eventually calls them whining little bitches and Team Waaaangle. Hass then says Kurt is all talk and no action. Team Angle eventually names themselves co-captains of Team Angle, over Kurt. Kurt, then as the founding member, kicks both of them out of Team Angle, even doing an umpire like "You're outta here" on both of them. Kurt then leads the crowd in the Nah-nah-nah-hey-hey-good bye song as team Angle leaves.

A Tale of the Tape then plays for the World Title, Big Show's career highlight was being the only man to pin Brock Lesnar twice.

Bad Blood's Hell in the Cell match video is then promo'd.

Coming back from the break, Kurt and Team Angle are discussing something backstage (There was no sound at this time)..it led to a Team Angle beatdown on Kurt. Brock Lesnar/Big Show history is then shown.

(6) Brock Lesnar wrestled the Big Show to a no contest. good match, but the ending was surreal. At the 9 minute mark, Brock Lesnar managed to superplex the Big Show off the top rope. When they hit the mat, the entire ring rope, all four of them, collapsed ending the match. The arena went "banana"..holy sh*t chants abounding. It was surreal. I can't really explain this visual, you'll just have to see it. Do not miss Smackdown! Trainers flooded out the now destroyed ring , as both men didn't move after their fall. 2 stretchers were brought out, but Brock Lesnar managed to get up and leave under his own power after about 10 minutes (he did have that look of being knocked loopy for a few minutes). Brock raised his belt high, and about 5 minutes later the big Show managed to get up, stumble over a stretcher, and also leave under his own power.

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END OF SHOW
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Well, since they interrupted about half an hour's worth of show for nothing (out of their own mouths), I can only judge this show based on what I saw. What I saw was a decent opening match, followed by about an hour and fifteen minutes of nothing. I don't care about Sable as Stephanie's assistant, I still don't care about the Mr. McMahon-Mr. America storyline, and the stuff I do care about, which is the wrestling, continues to get shortchanged because of the non-wrestling garbage. Boring boring boring boring boring. They'll probably blame it on not having their own PPV this month, which would be corrected by building toward next month's now and making people care about it. Oh wait, common sense. I forgot.

Maybe the last half hour saved the show, but I doubt it.

Drop me a line if you have an opinion.

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