by Patrick Spoon

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Where was I last week? Working, and a tape of Raw never found its way into my hands. Oh, and this happened to me too. I got a brand new 2003 Mustang GT on Saturday the 14th, and wrecked it street racing on the 17th. Still, my car took it like a MAN and will be back with us just in time for the fall semester to begin in late August. GO MUSTANGS!!!

WE’RE LOUD AND METAL-Y AND WE’RE IN NEW YAWK~! JR and The King welcome us to a sold-out Madison Square Garden. Looked like some seats were still covered up on the camera side, but whatever. Hey, a match to start! Woohoo! It’s Steiner! Crap!

Scott Steiner(w/ Good God DAMN she’s hot) & Booker T vs. Test & Christian: Question: Why, within a 24 hour period, are we supposed to first cheer, then boo the abuse of Mae Young? Austin stuns her at Bad Blood, crowd pops. Test does his pumphandle slam thingie, and we’re supposed to boo. MAKE UP THINE MINDS. Christian punches away on Booker, but Booker reverses an Irish whip and gets a knock down and a bodyslam for a near fall. Christian goes to the eyes then tags in Test, who resumes the punching. Punch punch punch, impact impact impact, BAH GAWD. Test mocks Steiner. If I had a hot bitch like Stacy, I’d try to imitate him too. I mean, it’s the weirdest thing, she’s just looked absolutely amazing since Bad Blood. Maybe she started eating again. Test sets up for the pumphandle but Booker goes out the back and hot tags in Steiner, who is a MUSCLE AFIRE~ and gives Test a reverse DDT. Christian goes to break up the pin, but elbowdrops Test accidentally. Steiner presses Christian over the top rope to the floor. Test attempts to pin Steiner with his feet on the ropes, but Steiner either kicks out or Stacy distracts him. Test argues with Stacy on the apron, and she slaps him in the face. This reminds me of WWF No Mercy where all the offense the females have is slapping. Steiner comes to rescue Stacy from... oh, dear god no... HAVING HER HAND HELD BY TEST, but Test maneuvers around or something (come on, it isn‘t hard to zip around Steiner like a hummingbird) and Steiner is pushed into Stacy. Big boot misses though, and Steiner clotheslines Test. Booker and Christian do some stuff to raise the workrate just a wee bit, but then go back outside. So much for that. Test’s BOOOOOOOOT~ results in a pinfall. Stacy tweaked her ankle or something falling off the apron.

You know what? Fuck match ratings.

Kane is chilling in the back, you know, doing what Kanes do. Walking around in circles, staring at stuff, having flashbacks that warp space and time in order to transport us into Kane’s mind so we can see his reminiscing about his debut, stuff like that. Seriously, since when have flashbacks and inner thoughts become public domain? I hope that never happens to me.

Time for another poll. Will Kane win or will he be forced to unmask? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT! Or you could just rig the poll. I mean, WWE rigs their polls all the time.

Christopher Nowinski and Theodore Long come to the ring to holla at us. People don’t like Christopher because he’s smart, and he should have won Tough Enough I. Maven is called out as an out of style light skinned brother, and...

Christopher Nowiski (w/Theodore Long) vs. Maven: Maven charges the ring, and the match is over. There might have been a bodyslam or a headlock or something in there, but it was over awfully fast, whatever they did.

THRILLING FOOTAGE~ of that nebulous “Earlier Tonight” is shown, and Randy Orton, Ric Flair, and Triple H all get out of a limousine. A girl tries to rush them for an autograph or something, to show they’re cool and desirable I guess. Personally, I would have hired more extras than ONE.

It’s time fo’ DA HIGHLIGHT REEL~! Someone buy me that shirt of his. Seriously. E-mail me and I’ll give you an address to send it to. “Y2J” chants, and I wonder if they’re going to turn him face tonight at the big show. New York potshots are taken, and that dashes my theory. Jericho has issues with how Lance Storm was treated last week. You and me both, yo. Jericho calls Austin a BLEEP! That CAD~! Storm is the guest tonight. Crowd chants Boring. Lance reads a prepared statement. This statement rules. “If you want bells and whistles, I suggest you attend the circus.” I’m going to use that everyfuckingwhere now. I swear. It’s that awesome. A crew appears and starts to take the set down. HA! Stone Cold Steve Austin comes on the TitanTron and yells at Jericho and Storm for boring everyone, and calls Jericho a bitch. Is bitch worse than bleep? Jericho says Austin is still pissed over that whole Undisputed Championship thing. Austin is so peeved, he makes a match with Storm and Jericho versus the Dudleys.

Chris Jericho & Lance Storm vs. The Dudley Boyz: I only care about one man in this match, Jericho, so my play-by-play will only tell what he does. Jericho attacks those other people immediately. The other people beat on Jericho and some other dude and throw them outside. Stuff happens, and Jericho tags in after two other guys fight for a while. Jericho chokes the big white dude of the other team with his foot in the corner. A suplex is blocked and the other guy slugs away, but Jericho gets the suplex eventually. Jericho leaves, stuff happens, he comes back. Jericho chops on the white dude... you know what? Fuck this, WWE hasn’t given me a reason to care about any of these people, and has even encouraged me to consider one of them sleep-inducingly boring. Jericho and the other dude lose when the other dude fucks up. What happened to the Dudley tension? EXPLORE THE CHARACTERS, GODAMMIT.

Kane has another flashback... much more recent this time though, thinking back to when Evolution version 1.0 unmasked him. They never did really follow up on that. It prompted the RVD “Dude, you lose your powers when you lose your mask? What are you, Spiderman or something?” line, so it’s allllllll good.

La Resistance is out to get cheap heat, but I don’t give a fuck. You know why? LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING COATS THEY HAVE. I WANT ONE! NOW! AAAAAAHHHHH!!! I will pay ANY price to have one. They take a commerical while La Resistance murders the French National Anthem, probably because they’re Canadian. The Hurricane’s music hits, and he wants to talk. I didn’t know he had a phat chest plate to go along with the cape now. Hurricane says La Resistance is disrespecting the USA. Um, okay. What about hockey games where they sing O Canada? La Resistance challenges Hurricane to find an American partner to take them on, and since we’re in Madison Square Garden, we get...

La Resistance vs. The Hurricane & Sgt. Slaughter: Sarge gets a great pop, and he attacks with Hurricane right off the bat. Hurricane flies to the outside, and gets so much air he almost lands on his face. Dupree is wrestling Slaughter on the inside WITH THE COAT ON. THE COAT IS JUSTICE THE COAT IS RULE. That coat is like the Ric Flair of garments. It can carry polka dots and plaid to a **** match. It’s that goddamn awesome. I want one of those soooooooo bad, can you tell? Oh, La Resistance wins when the coat grabs one of the tag title belts and wipes out Sarge with it. The coat RULES!!!!

Kane goes into another flashback, this time of just three weeks ago. They keep talking about the First Blood match that Austin and Kane had, so why not show some footage of that?

Austin comes out to announce Wrestlemania XX at MSG and shows the new logo, and then calls out Mick Foley, and what follows is the kind of sendoff that Foley should have had in 2000. An awesome video package is shown, and a bunch of ECW alumni come out to present Mick with the Hardcore championship belt. Guess that’s one title that’ll never see the light of day again. Even Vince McMahon says thank you. I really can’t comment on any of this, as it was just so great and touching that I can’t really relay it in my words without feeling as if I had cheated it somehow. Mick even got an Al Snow joke in, and his “gimme a hug!” to Vince was great. He quotes Frosty the Snowman’s farewell and leaves us all. (sniffle) That was great.

Shawn Michaels & Kevin Nash vs. Randy Orton & Ric Flair: The crowd goes MILD~ for Nash. I want Evolution’s music to follow me around, and for someone to get footage of me walking around like they do in their entrance video. Soooooo awesome. Flair and Michaels start off, and Shawn pounds away. Some choppery and irish whips before Flair tags Orton in. Orton hammers away on Shawn and throws him into the ropes. Michaels tags Nash, who hits move #2. A missed elbow drop doesn’t result in injury. Damn. Flair is tagged in and chops Nash in the corner, and Nash no-sells and knocks Flair down. Nash brutalizes Flair in the corner, and does some weird ass hand signal before hitting him again. Must be some thing he started in WCW, which I never really watched much. Back body drop by Nash, and he throws Flair to the outside. Orton comes in and goes back out. Shawn is tagged in and does his over the top cross body on Flair and Orton.

Commerical break, and I’d like to take this moment to recommend Punch Drunk Love, which should be out on video and DVD by the time you read this. It’s such an awesome film, and the total antithesis of an Adam Sandler film. Some might be turned off by the artsy-fartsy nature it tries to have, but it’s really reeeeeeally good, trust me.

Man, talking about that movie and reflecting on how beautiful it was really made me not want to say anything about this match anymore. JR tells us what we missed during the break, and I don’t even listen. Michaels is the face in peril or something, and Nash gets a hot tag, does his three moves, Michaels makes the superman comeback with the NIP UP~, and hits Sweet Chin Music on Flair to get the job back from Bad Blood.

I’m really sorry about the quality of this report so far. I’m just having a hard time getting into these matches tonight.

The poll results are in! 99% of WWE.com voters answered “We’re just watching so we can see how you manage to get out of the corner you’ve booked yourselves into for the last six years with Kane.” The 1% of votes that were in disagreement are still being held up in the Florida Supreme Court. You know, while we’re on the subject of the 2000 Election, I would have boned Katherine Harris. No real reason. I just want to.

During the break, Foley was signing a copy of Tietam Brown for Vince McMahon, and was attacked by Orton and Flair, as Flair followed through with his promise from earlier in the evening that he was going to wail on Foley if he ever got a chance again. Foley puts up a good fight, but gets killed anyway. Vince says a janitor is needed to clean up the mess. Guess they’re going to use Foley to get Orton over since the only credible wrestlers left on Raw are untouchable (Goldberg) or fellow heels (Jericho and Triple H).

Theodore Long is back, and he’s with Rodney Mack, The Whitest-Looking Black Dude On Earth. He issues another White Boy Challenge, and my heart soars at the idea of hearing Long on commentary again, since it’s been forever seemingly since he’s done it. Sadly...

Rodney Mack vs. Goldberg: So much for the undefeated streak. Goldberg spears Mack through his own pyro and just kills Mack in 26 seconds. The crowd popped like mad to see what is perceived as the old Goldberg, the one that just kicks the shit out of people and leaves. Good debut, if short, in MSG for Goldberg.

RVD disturbs Kane’s inner sanctum to tell him that he’s sure he’ll win the title tonight. Kane doesn’t respond, and RVD leaves. Kane smashes the mirror he’s been staring into all night, and I’m REALLY into this match now for some reason. Maybe it’s because I haven’t cared about much of the in-ring action so far tonight.

For some reason, they show a Wrestlemania moment to hype Wrestlemania XX. IT’S JUNE! JUNE! The event is in MARCH! MARCH!!!! The moment is the mess that was the main event at Wrestlemania XVIII. All of my frustrations are forgotten when I see Stephanie in that green bodysuit. Sweet fanciful Moses. I’d like to encourage everyone to E-mail Dames and bitch him out for getting to see Stephanie tomorrow night at the Smackdown tapings. The bastard has even got a picture of himself and her at the opening of WWF New York in 2000. Grrr... must... kill... site boss...

Triple H vs. Kane, World Heavyweight Championship vs. Kane’s Mask: Kane comes right out and destroys Hunter from one end of the ring to the other, until Hunter gets a chairshot to turn the tide before a commercial.

At this point, my tape ran out. See, I worked until 11:45 tonight, so I had to tape Raw. Anyways, I’ll tell the rest of what happened based on what I’ve been told and read in other reports, as well as the One and Only Raw Thread on the forums of this site.

The match continues, and Trips is throwing everything at Kane that he has, but Kane is just in total zombie mode, like he should always be, and is daring Hunter to keep hitting him harder. Kane keeps kicking ass until he accidentally kicks Earl Hebner in the face, which allows the overbooking to kick in. Flair tries to run in, but Kane disposes of him, and Kane waffles Trips with the title belt. A new referee comes out, but Kane only gets two. Kane dumps the second referee, and the crowd is getting into it. HHH hits a low blow and then hits the pedigree, and we‘re trained to think this is always the end, but Kane kicks out. The crowd is REALLY getting into it. Flair runs in and gets a chokeslammed for his annoyance to Kane. Man, this sounded awesome with Kane kicking all kinds of ass, which is what he should have been doing for YEARS now. Another attempted Pedigree, but Kane slingshots HHH into Flair. Trips walks into a chokeslam attempt, but Orton runs in and hits Kane with a low blow and a diamond cutter. Oh no. Pedigree. Double oh no. Kane loses, and the mask has to come off now. That match sounded awesome, with three men being needed to take Kane out. I really wish they’d made him look so invincible always.

Anyways, it’s time for the unmasking.

Bischoff comes down and demands that Kane unmask. As Kane pulls off the mask, Evolution attacks Kane, because HHH wants to take Kane’s mask off himself. RVD comes out to save Kane, and Orton gets a chokeslam. RVD hits a 5-star on Orton. Kane signals for the turnbuckles to flare up, and it sounds like another bait-and-switch, but he decides he needs to unmask now. The mask comes off, and Kane has short hair and a charred face. Pictures I’ve seen don’t look all that great, but you can indeed see a resemblance to the Undertaker, so at least THAT made sense in all of this mess over the last six years. Some have a problem with how half-assed the burn makeup looked, and I’ll admit myself that Kane looked more like a drunken prospector after a hard night of drinking than a burn victim. However, you have to consider that they needed to keep the makeup simple, since he had to wrestle in it beforehand. Anything more elaborate would have fucked up underneath the mask with all the friction and sweat under there. Also, I thought Kane looked weird playing with his hair earlier on during one of those flashback segments. Seeing as it was a wig, it makes sense. Some people question why they’d show a clip of him being unmasked with long hair earlier in the show, but I’m not one to nitpick like that. I’m actually really interested to see what they do with Kane now. Do they have him go away for a while? Do they keep him around? For once, I actually wonder what the Undertaker will do in response to all of this, or will they just forget that he’s Kane’s brother again?

Feel free to send me Stephanie Porn, the new Jericho shirt, La Resistance’s coats, or anything else that strikes your fancy.

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