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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (1/22/2004)
By Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
Jan 22, 2004, 21:18

SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (1/22/2004)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

E-Mail of the Week: The Pete Rose column has continued to spark further debate, as Mike B had this to say:

If Selig wants to take the hardcore stand on Rose fine, I got no prob with it. But everyone wants to act like Rose--who was only the most ferocious player that ever lived, or one of them, at least--basically did something worse to baseball than murder it, don't do the same you (being all the anti-Rose contingent smarks) all criticize Vince McMahon for on a weekly basis and insult my intelligence. Players and owners alike nearly murdered MLB in the mid-90s and once again in 2002 so don't give me that.

Pete "spoiled the integrity of the game", so he's the only one that has? Like most of today's multi-million dollar players aren't? Like Sammy Sosa and , sacreligious as this may be, Mark McGwire didn't when their great home run chase really turned out to be more of a chase to the pharmacy? Like Barry Bonds isn't whether it's failing to run down pop flies, run out extra base hits, or lately his sudden burst into the 50-and-beyond HR range after a career of hitting 20-30 as he's taking the stand for GHD or whatever? Like the whole home run craze itself isn't? How about when Randy Johnson tanked the '98 season when he was with my M's cause he was bitching about not getting a contract extension? How about whenever Selig has to go to each big-name pitcher whose team's out of the playoffs every year and talk them into another start against a contender? How about Selig's running, if you can call it that, of the game itself? You know what? Pete is the only one of this group that gets vilified for it, yet he gave infinitely more to the game than any one of these aforementioned clowns.

Bottom line Pete should go to the Hall, make that his bust should be in the Hall--the little 'banned from the Hall' rule wasn't made til like two or three years after he was banned anyway. Active in baseball's another story. Not excusing anything that Pete did as a manager, but no one can tell me that what he did was any worse than what has been done by players, owners, so-called commissioners, free agency, juiced balls, juiced players, etc in the 10+ years since then.


Forums Quote of the Week: Vince: You people need to learn to work a match like that Randy Orton!

::Half the room whips out the phones and calls Meltz in front of Vince.:: -Anglesault, discussing rumors that WWE wrestlers leaking information to the internet would be fired


Other stuff: First off, I picked up Mick Foley's Greatest Hits and Misses on DVD this week, and although I really haven't had a chance to watch the entire thing, I'm loving what I've seen. OK, they picked probably the worst Sandman match ever to include on it (and that's saying something), but outside of the Texas Death Match with Vader not being on it I have no complaints thus far with the content itself. My problem is with the editing of the commentary, as they're so worried about having to pay Jesse Ventura royalties that his voice has been completely chopped out of it. I love that Vader match from WCW Saturday Night, but not enough to listen to Tony Schiavone by himself for 15 minutes. Another mild complaint is the commentary on the Beach Blast 92 match with Sting and the rematch with Sabu. Foley and Coach are entertaining in the role, but I'd have rather had the option between hearing that or the original commentary. Still, these are minor quibbles, and I hope for more kickass use of the video library to come.

There is no secondly, I just felt like making you think I have something besides wrestling on my mind tonight.

And speaking of tonight, we are just three days away from the 2004 Royal Rumble, and tonight promises to set it up oh so beautifully. Time Warner Digital Cable announces Chavo Guerrero Sr. and Chavo Guerrero Jr. against Eddy Guerrero and Kurt Angle, plus we still have a handful of slots to fill in the Rumble match itself. So join us, won't you?


Segment 1

Two weeks ago, Chavo Guerrero Jr. turned on his Uncle Eddy. Last week, Chavo Guerrero Sr. attacked him under the guise of apologizing for Chavo Jr.

Taped 1/20/2004 from the Target Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota! I'd say it's colder than a well digger's ass, but that would imply I know my well digger really really well. Sign in the crowd: "AWA 4 Life". Michael Coleslaw and Tazz bring you all the action!

Non-Title Contest scheduled for one fall: Rey Misterio Jr. (Cruiserweight Champion and SmackDown Magazine cover boy) vs. Chuck Palumbo (w/Nunzio and Johnny Stamboli)

Last week, Rey tried to save Nidia from Tajiri and his goons, only to be laid out by Jamie Noble. Now, common sense would make you think Nunzio would be wrestling given the fact that he's the only cruiserweight in the FBI, but details like that mean nothing, I guess. Misterio uses his speed advantage to get a quick near fall. He wants the 619, but Stamboli pulls the rope and Rey tumbles to the floor. Palumbo wants Brian Hebner to count, and he gets to 8 before Rey enters the ring. Palumbo with a hard back suplex for 2. A couple of kneeslams to cut down on Rey's aerial attacks. Half Boston crab. Rey tries to kick out of it, but Palumbo hangs on. Rey flips out of it. Palumbo stops Rey's comeback by driving him into the turnbuckle. Up top for a superplex, but Rey uses his "senton" to get out of it. Rey tries to fight back but gets whipped into the corner...but he gets in a Victory roll for 2. Asai moonsault into an inverted DDT for 2. Nunzio distracts Rey, who walks into a big boot for 2. Palumbo misses a football tackle into the corner and hits the ringpost. Stamboli distracts Hebner, Rey gets caught on a flying bodypress attempt...but counters it into a sunset flip for the pin at 5:14. *1/2 Postmatch, an angry FBI begins a three-on-one attack...and out comes Jamie By God Noble. Noble and his cousin Nunzio stare at each other...and Noble hands Nunzio and envelope apparently filled with money. Noble grabs the Cruiserweight belt and celebrates. But what does Nidia think about all this? Oh yeah, she can't see it and apparently can't hear Cole and Tazz on commentary either.

Up next, an interview with Paul Heyman.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Actually a pretty decent matchup, with a nice bit of continuity that even your announce team didn't pick up on. Nunzio was brought into WWE as Noble's cousin, and now Noble has used his cousin's services to gain an early advantage on Rey Misterio Jr. leading into their title match at the Rumble. Decent match, good angle.

Segment 2

It's colder than an ex-girlfriend's kiss in Minneapolis, and last week, John Cena beat Rhyno to force GM Paul Heyman to eat a bar of soap.

Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman is going to speak to Josh Mathews. With all due respect...respect? There's no more respect for Heyman, is there? And it's all thanks to Chris Benoit and John Cena. So tonight, it's a new SmackDown. Vince McMahon brought sports entertainment out of bingo halls and into newer arenas, and Heyman wants to appeal to a new demographic. This company was founded on the morals of the United States...the same morals that Cena and Benoit ignore. So tonight, it's Cena and Benoit vs. Rhyno and Matt Morgan...and WWE United States Champion The Big Show...and the WWE Champion Brock Lesnar. And that'll show them that the last person you mess with is Paul Heyman.

Chavo & Chavito Guerrero are ready for action, but they're staring right into the face of My Olympic Hero. They want Angle to mind his own business, but since Chavo Sr. lied to Angle, it is his business. Chavo Jr.: "Don't give me that family values crap." Angle tries to equate his home life to Chavo's, but instead of turning his family against each other, he won a gold medal. And since Chavo Jr. hasn't learned his lesson, Eddy and Angle will teach it to him tonight.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Wow, an angry GM forcing people he doesn't like into a handicap match. I haven't seen that in a couple of weeks. Anyway, a good promo by Angle to set up tonight's match, which could actually be pretty good if Chavo Sr. is in any kind of ring shape at all.

Segment 3

WrestleMania Recall: Alice Cooper and Jake Roberts nearly make Jimmy Hart piss himself after The Honky Tonk Man gets the upset victory at WrestleMania III. Funny, NOW they're willing to use Jesse Ventura's voice.

Royal Rumble Qualifying Match scheduled for one fall: Tajiri Yoshihiro vs. Billy Kidman

Chain wrestling sequence to start. Kidman gets a rana. Tajiri uses a kick to keep Kidman from coming off the top and armdrags him off the top rope. Tajiri focuses on the left arm, and Kidman had a rotator cuff injury, so it's actually sound strategy. Kidman gets some one-armed offense in before getting in a clothesline for 2. Tajiri simply goes back to work on the arm. Handspring elbow, but Kidman counters with a dropkick. Kidman wants the Shooting Star Press, but Tajiri rolls out of the way. Buzzsaw Kick, pin at 2:37. *1/4 Way too short, but the right guy goes over.

The Too Damn Big Show tells King Brock I to stop shadowing him, but Brock simply wants to talk strategy. The restraining order is supposed to be for Show's protection, not Lesnar's, and Show just wants some privacy so he can think about the Royal Rumble...and the shot at Brock Lesnar. Brock's not happy since he's gained 15 pounds, but he wants to "protect the Big Show" if the cops can't do it. Show: "Don't you think he's more dangerous when he has nothing left to lose?" After all, if Holly breaks Brock's neck, all it means to him is a different opponent at WrestleMania.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

I pretty much said it all already. Way to short, but Tajiri is the one who has gotten the push recently, so Tajiri getting the win was basically a necessary evil.

And I almost hate to admit this, but I'm still digging the buildup for Brock Lesnar vs. Hardcore Holly. This establishes that Brock Lesnar is likely on his own on Sunday, as the winner of the Rumble doesn't really care who his opponent is as long as the gold is on the line. I still don't get why Brock's supposed to be afraid of him when Matt from Tough Enough III wasn't, but whatever.

Segment 4

Ape Train has a shaved face, and he gets an eyeful of Dawn Marie, who announces this as a Royal Rumble Qualifying Match.

Ape Train vs. Shannon Moore

This is called "equal opportunity", according to Dawn, but Moore did get a win over A-Train a month or so ago. And this is very similar to every Shannon Moore match prior to that win with A-Train, as Moore tries to use his speed but gets caught. A Beell gets 2. A-Train goes for the Derailer, but Not The Greatest and Lamont start dancing at the top of the stage for no other reason other than to remind us they're still paying him. Moore gets a roll up for a near fall, so A-Train gets pissed, takes the to the floor, and rams Moore into the post. Back in, and the Derailer gets the pin at 1:42. Ugh. 1/2*

Paul Heyman is having his chair sent to ringside so he can get a close look at Brock, Matt Morgan, and The Man Beast Rhyno can do their damage to Benoit and Cena. But where's Show? Getting psyched up for the match, says Heyman, but Brock's not convinced.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

If I heard Cole right, he said Ernest Miller is in the Royal Rumble. Here half the SmackDown roster has had to qualify for it, but all Miller had to do was dance. I had forgotten Ernest Miller was even on the roster, and quite honestly, I was hoping to keep it that way. We skip out on using guys like Paul London and Ultimo Dragon for Ernest freaking Miller?

Segment 5

Let's take a look back at the entire Brock Lesnar-Hardcore Holly feud, all the way back to September 12, 2002 and the Ganso Bomb.

Wow, they gave Heyman a lifeguard chair like Elizabeth had on Saturday Night's Main Event.

4-on-2 Handicap Match scheduled for one fall: John Cena and Chris Benoit vs. King Brock I (WWE Champion--w/Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman), The Man Beast Rhyno, Matt Morgan, and The Too Damn Big Show (WWE United States Champion)

Cena gets to do a freestyle as usual. He wants to apologize for not rubbing soap in Heyman's eyes. He made the match, but maybe the problem is he was eating the soap and not dropping it. He implies the entire opposing team are Heyman's love slaves or something. How about using something besides homosexuality references one of these days, John?

The match is going to start without Show, as he's had his door barricaded with a forklift.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Lemme think...who could have possibly barricaded The Big Show's door? If you said "Hardcore Holly", congratulations. If you said anybody else...um...never mind. Anyway, Show wanted time to himself, and that's just the opening Holly's going to need to get a chance to attack Brock in the next ten minutes or so.

Segment 6

There's been no luck moving the forklift.

In the ring, Heyman tells Brock "It's all on you" since it's in his hometown. Brock's apparently ready as he starts with Benoit. Brock quickly goes to the floor for a Tastykake break. Back in, and he quickly tags in Morgan. Morgan's not afraid to lock up, but Benoit gets the better of him early. Tag to Cena, and it's more of the same. Delayed powerslam for 2. Morgan begins to pound away at Cena's back, and he tags in Rhyno. Rhyno locks in a side headlock. Shoulderblock. Cena with a hiptoss. He charges Heyman, but Rhyno attacks from behind. Cena fights back and gets a clothesline for 2. Benoit tags in. Snap suplex for 2. A series of chops and forearms, but Rhyno is able to send Benoit into the corner. Now Brock wants in, and he gets a bunch of forearms and stomps in. Elbowdrop. Benoit fights back and gets a jawbreaker. Tag to Cena, who pounds away at Lesnar. Elbowsmash. Flying shoulderblock for 2. Whip, reversal, collision, and Lesnar in control. Turnbuckle smash. Cena with an elbow, but he runs into a sidewalk slam for a series of 2 counts. Tag to Rhyno, who stomps away at Cena. Criss cross choke (or so Tazz calls it, so I'll take his word for it). Morgan draws in Benoit, which distracts Brian Hebner to allow double teaming. Brock is in, and he says Cena can't see him, but apparently Cena's sixth sense is awesome because he starts punching Brock. The offense doesn't last long, as Brock rams Cena into the corner and uses a series of shoulderblocks on him. Corner whip, but Brock misses Cena and hits ringpost. Hot tag to Benoit, who clears the ring. Rolling Germans to the champion. Reversal, Rhyno in for a Gore, but he misses Benoit and hits Lesnar. Benoit with rolling Germans for an incoming Morgan. Brock back in, and he goes for the F5, but Benoit counters into the Crippler Crossface, which is broken up by Rhyno. Spinebuster by Rhyno. Brock tags in Rhyno, and Benoit drop toeholds Rhyno into the middle rope. Brock grabs his belt and says "Fuck this", heading to the back. That's the cue for Softcore Holly to attack and lock Brock in the full nelson. Johnny Ace and Fit Finlay grab Holly, which gives Brock a chance to get a cheap shot in.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

No surprise with Holly's run-in. But is the match still going on at this point? Seriously, I don't know, we haven't mentioned it in minutes. But it was nice of Ace and Finlay to go "Here Brock, take a free shot."

They actually made Species II?

Segment 7

Rhyno bodyslams Benoit for 2 as the match continues. Chinlock. Knee to the back. Tag to Morgan. Headbutt. Chokehold. Quick tags by Morgan and Rhyno as they isolate Benoit. Benoit with a back suplex. Cole: "You're putting words in my mouth." Tazz: "Well, somebody has to, because the words coming out of your mouth suck." Rhyno with a belly-to-belly suplex. Rhyno sets it up...GORE! GORE! GORE!...and Cena makes the save at 2. Tag to Morgan, who gets a bodyslam but misses two elbowdrops. Enzuigiri by Benoit. Tags on each end, and Cena clotheslines Rhyno. Throwback. Cena pumps up his Reeboks and climbs up top...elbow to the back of the head for 2, as Morgan makes the save. Rhyno with a belly-to-belly. This time the Gore misses, and Cena gets a roll up for 2. An FU gets the pin at 19:10. **1/2, but it would have been higher had it ended around the time of the commercial break. Postmatch, Rhyno attacks, but Benoit saves Cena...and Heyman is trapped on his magic lifeguard chair. They tip it so Heyman lands shoulder first in the ring...and they finally have Show out of his dressing room. He tells the cops to stay at the top of the ramp, and he goes to work on Cena and Benoit. High Beell to Cena. Gorilla press to Benoit. Choke Slam to Cena, and one to Benoit as Heyman looks on approvingly. He dumps them both over the top rope to hammer home the Royal Rumble stipulations. Heyman and Show shake hands.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

A very good match with plenty of near falls, but it seemed to drag once it got down to 2-on-2. Had the finish come around the time Hardcore Holly had interfered, it would have been about as perfectly done as it could have been with the handicap stipulations. But hey, give me twenty minutes matches that help build up to a pay-per-view every week, and the only thing I'll have to bitch about is who you're pushing from week to week. But the handshake between Show and Heyman -- could the Big Show replace Lesnar in Heyman's vision of SmackDown? After all, Bruno Sammartino never backed away from a challenger!

Segment 8

Moments ago, The Big Show went apeshit on the two crowd favorites for the SmackDown side of the Royal Rumble.

Triple Threat Royal Rumble Qualifying Match scheduled for one fall: Bradshaw vs. Akio vs. Sakoda

And sadly, I have less of a doubt as to the winner of this one than I did about the handicap match. Akio and Sakoda work as a unit, but Bradshaw is bigger and thus better in WWE land. Last Call for Sakoda, and Akio makes the save at 2. Right hand by Bradshaw for 2. Double team, and now the teammates begin breaking up pin attempts. More double teaming. Double suplex, and each man covers and can't get the pin. Double kick to the face, and each man breaks the other's pin attempts. Akio avoids the Clothesline from Hell, and Sakoda knees Bradshaw out of the ring. Akio rolls up Sakoda for 2. Bradshaw back in, and he catches Akio coming off the top rope with a Clothesline from Hell for the pin at 2:46. *

The main event is next.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

The match was nothing special, but I loved the story behind it: Partners or not, it was every man for himself in an attempt to get a shot at the WWE Title at WrestleMania XX. An absolutely great way to sell that aspect of the Royal Rumble match. The problem? Bradshaw is in while guys like Ultimo Dragon and Paul London never even got the chance to qualify.

Segment 9

#1 on the Best of Billy Gunn Countdown: The Billy and Chuck wedding (9/12/2002). Because of the publicity it generated. Uh huh...

Billy Gunn returns at this Sunday's Royal Rumble. Good Ol' JR and The Pharoah will tell you about the Raw side of things. Have they been behind that broadcast table for three days straight? You'd think they'd have at least changed clothes since Monday night. Anyway, Goldberg will be number 30 in the Rumble match itself. The Dudley Boyz meet Batista and Ric Flair in a tables match for the World Tag Team Championship. Shawn Michaels meets Triple H in a Last Man Standing Match for the World Heavyweight Championship.

But check out SmackDown's half of things. Brock Lesnar defends the WWE Championship against Hardcore Holly. Rey Misterio Jr. defends the WWE Cruiserweight Title against Jamie Noble. Chavo Guerrero Jr. vs. Eddy Guerrero. And Chris Benoit is number one in the Royal Rumble.

Kurt Angle asks Eddy Guerrero if he's ready. Eddy gives Angle the revenge look, and Angle tells Eddy to get his revenge by winning. Angle tells Eddy he's never been WWE Champion because he can't control his temper. Get revenge at the Rumble if you want, Eddy. But tonight, focus on winning. That's how Angle won the title and gold medal, and how he'll win the Rumble on Sunday.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Angle's pretty confident, isn't he? Almost too confident. Good build for the match we're about to see, and we could possibly see the one bit of character development for Eddy Guerrero to finally push him over the top.

Segment 10

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Eddy Guerrero and My Olympic Hero vs. Chavo & Chavito Guerrero

Before the match, Eddy tries to attack, but Angle keeps trying to hold him back. Angle and Chavo Jr. start. There's the tag...but apparently it doesn't count. Hmm. Angle with a fireman's carry. Chain wrestling sequence, and Angle locks in a headlock. Chavito tries to break, but Angle turns it back into the headlock. Hard shoulderblock. Armdrag takedown, and Chavito rolling out to the floor. Tag to Chavo Sr. Eddy wants the tag, but Angle stays in. Arm wringers by Chavo Sr. Angle into a hammerlock and an armdrag takedown. One for Chavo Jr., and in comes Eddy without a tag...and out go the Chavos. Chavo Jr. tags in. And the tag to Eddy. Eddy is fucking OVER! Chavo Sr. tries to sneak in, so Eddy nails him, and then he sends Jr. over the top rope. Out of the ring goes Eddy, and that gives the heels a chance to double team and get the advantage. In the ring, it's a back suplex by Chavito, putting Eddy firmly in face-in-peril mode. Chavo Sr. tags in and keeps Eddy grounded with a chinlock, followed by a double wristlock. Chavo Jr. tags in. Eddy tries to fight back, but a double team and Sr. tags in. Arm wringer into a hammerlock, and I don't think Eddy's arm is supposed to bend like that. Chavito tags in and continues to work Eddy's oft-injured left arm. Standing dropkick. Eddy catches Chavo Jr. with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Chavo Sr. tags in, and so does Angle. German suplex by Angle. Ankle Lock to Chavo Jr., and Chavo Sr. makes the save. Chavo Jr. prevents the Angle Slam, and Eddy tags himself in. All four men are in. Angle apparently gets a thumb to the eye, and Eddy checks on him...and Angle hits him with the Angle Slam thinking he's being attacked. Nick Patrick calls for assistance as Chavo Sr. hits a DDT. Angle is helped to the back as Chavo Jr. tags in. Frog Splash, and Chavo Jr. pins Uncle Eddy at 9:04. ***

END OF SHOW

Color me impressed, as Chavo Sr. looked pretty good out there. Granted, he kept everything pretty basic and was nowhere near the high flyer he was in his day, but he looked much better than I expected. And this opens things up for the potential Angle-Eddy matchup coming up. Accident or not from Angle, Eddy isn't going to believe that. Hopefully that part of this doesn't come into play on Sunday because I want to see a one-on-one match, but it helps nicely for the future.

Overall, a very good show, especially following the abysmal effort of last week (even if most people didn't agree with me). We got all of the Rumble build-up that we got last week, possibly even more, but with much better in-ring action all around. This should be the absolute worst a show with this much talent should ever be. But what does it say about the pay-per-view when a World Title Match is playing second fiddle to a match that really has no long term effect on the product?

Send me somefeedback or check out the archives, which I'm told might actually get updated in the next week or so.

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