 |
|
Home
Wrestling
WWE
TNA
Tape Reviews
Other
Sports
Basketball
Football
Baseball
Hockey
International
Entertainment
Movies / TV
Music
Gaming
Technology
Books / Comics
" The Gravel Pit "
|
|
|
|
Wrestling
>
TNA
SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (1/15/2004)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Jan 15, 2004, 22:18
|
|
SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (1/15/2004)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
Just a brief intro. I've been sick as a dog for a couple of days (and still am), so the Pete Rose feedback column got put on hold for a few days. I was working on it on Tuesday, but my computer froze when I was trying to save my progress about halfway through it (and it's never fun when trying to save is what freezes your computer), and yesterday I couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to work on it. So look for that sometime this weekend, possibly as early as tomorrow.
I have no idea what's on tap for tonight, so I'm going to be as surprised as...well, someone who doesn't use the internet, basically.
Segment 1
We are taped 1/13/2004 from the Mohegan Sun Arena in Uncasville, Connecticut! Michael Coleslaw and Tazz will call all the action! Tonight, Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty get their shot at the WWE Tag Team Titles!
And Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman is already in the ring. Tonight, it's fitting to be here at the Mohegan Sun Casino, because the Royal Rumble in ten days is the ultimate gamble: 29 men crap out, one man hits the jackpot. And only 15 SmackDown superstars can be given the opportunity. So tonight, we will have some Royal Rumble qualifying matches. The winners enter, the losers bust out. Out comes John Cena, who is already in the Rumble. Heyman is pissed that he's been interrupted. Cena acts like he's spraying Heyman with something, then goes into freestyle mode, saying Heyman sucks and compares him to a piece of shit. Heyman tries to interrupt, but Cena says "I'll bounce you faster than an ECW check." Cheap shot. The fans want to see Heyman get beaten down. He drops the mic and goes for the F-U, but out from the crowd comes The Man Beast Rhyno. Belly-to-belly suplex, and... Gore! Gore! Gore! Heyman grabs the mic, yells "Gore! Gore! Gore!", then tells Cena he'll never forget tonight.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Good enough opening segment, as we show some *gasp* continuity with the last ECW World Heavyweight Champion, Rhyno, saving his former and storyline current boss from an attack by one of his biggest enemies. My guess is Rhyno makes it into the Rumble, and possibly Rhyno vs. Cena either this week or next. I'm game.
Segment 2
There's a WWE Originals billboard in Times Square.
Rey Misterio Jr. brings his cruiserweight belt out to the ring as he'll defend this title at the Royal Rumble, but the top contender's still up in the air.
Number One Contenders Match for the Cruiserweight Championship: Jamie By God Noble (w/Nidia) vs. Tajiri Yoshihiro (w/Akio and Sakoda)
Last week, this match had been scheduled, by Noble showed up late, causing Nidia to take his place and lose in about a minute. That was still allegedly a top contenders match, but apparently Heyman's all about opportunity or something. Chain wrestling sequence to start, and it quickly turns into a brawl. Noble with a short clothesline. Tajiri ducks a clothesline and hits a savate kick. Tajiri with a kick to the gut for 2. Abdominal stretch. Noble with a swinging neckbreaker. Boot to the face as the crowd chants "USA" to make Noble the de facto face. Running knee smash for 2. Noble ducks a tarantula, but not a kick to the head. Tajiri off the top, but Noble dropkicks him coming down. Noble goes for the tiger bomb, but Akio grabs Nidia. Noble and Misterio makes the save, and a jealous Noble attacks Nidia. Tajiri takes out Nidia (after Noble pulls her in front of the dive), and Noble gets Tajiri in the ring, hits the tiger bomb, and gets the pin and the title shot at 3:21. *1/4 Postmatch, Noble claims it was all Tajiri.
Earlier tonight, Cena and Rhyno got into it.
Heyman's at the top of the ramp, and he says we're all sick of Cena's foul mouth. Well, some are, Paul, but not most of these fans. Don't you know that rappers are a bigger threat to the United States than anything overseas? So tonight, it's Cena vs. Rhyno. And "when Rhyno beats John Cena", Heyman will wash Cena's mouth out with soap. He even holds up a bar of soap. But since Heyman's a gambling man, he'll eat soap if Cena wins. Well, at least it's original.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
A decent enough match given the time allowed, although it's beginning to bother me that Nidia is the focus of the three way Cruiserweight Title feud. OK, she's blind, Noble's jealous, we get it. Here's a novel concept for the creative team to consider: How about the focus of a wrestling feud being on the wrestlers? They haven't done that in a while. It's not even like when Bobby Heenan or Jimmy Hart were the focus of a feud and they were so obnoxious that you wanted to see them get beaten up. As far as I can tell, Nidia is just there. But hey, I suppose we should just be glad they didn't go with a triple threat match, right?
Segment 3
We're from the Mohegan Sun Casino.
Last week, Hardcore Holly beat The Big Show in a street fight and chased Brock Lesnar out of the building.
Josh Mathews interviews The Too Damn Big Show (w/officers and a neckbrace), and King Brock I interrupts before we can accomplish anything. If Holly comes within 50 feet of Show, he'll be arrested, and Lesnar will be right by his side just in case. A slap to the back hurts Show's neck.
Your hosts discuss the situation, with Cole claiming Brock's staying within 50 feet of Show because he's scared of Holly, uh huh. But last week, Chavo Guerrero Jr. turned on his uncle Eddy, and here's what happened.
My Olympic Hero is backstage, and he takes a seat next to Eddy Guerrero. Is Eddy alright? Angle was only trying to help, but Angle's here to tell him that Chavo's not here, but Chavo Sr. will be here to apologize for Chavo Jr. But Angle overheard Heyman mention that Eddy vs. Chavo Jr. is signed for the Royal Rumble. Of course, neither man will be in the Rumble itself. That's what he wants, right? Well, how would Angle know? Eddy doesn't want to beat Chavo down, and in fact, he says he's not going to do it. If he does that to his nephew, he'll be ripping a piece out of himself. What he really wants is Angle to get out of Eddy's business.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I have to admit that they're telling a good story between Brock and Holly. Whether we actually believe Brock is afraid of Holly or not, he's playing solid mind games with him. Holly's so hellbent to get his hands on Brock and take him out, and yet Holly just can't quite get to him to make the attempt. It doesn't mean the match will be any good, but it's a good story.
But we went from showing awesome continuity to fucking it completely up in two segments. Wasn't it Eddy that was instigating the feud with Chavo Jr. back in WCW a few years ago? Why the change of heart now? All it takes is an explanation for those of us who paid attention back then, but sadly, I doubt very highly that one will be forthcoming.
Segment 4
John Cena discusses his track on WWE Originals.
One fall for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty vs. The Brothers Basham (champions)
This match was supposed to take place last week, but the Bashams jumped them to stop it before it started. Of course, the challengers hold a non-title victory over the champions.
BUT WAIT! Before the champions come out here, Dawn Marie says the title match is off, but this will be a Royal Rumble Qualifying Match.
Rikishi vs. Scotty 2 Hotty for a spot in the Royal Rumble
Both men hesitate but eventually lock up. Scotty somehow gets in a roll up for a count of 2. Rikishi shoves Scotty, Scotty starts punching away, and another roll up gets 2. Rikishi takes control, but Scotty avoids a Samoan drop...but not the superkick. Rikishi drags Scotty to the corner...Rump Shaker for the pin at 1:59. DUD Well, that was pointless.
Later tonight, a Wash Your Mouth Out With Soap Match.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
OK, I'm confused. Are we pushing Rikishi and Scotty as a tag team or aren't we? I mean, we got that non-title match something like six weeks ago, and now this is the third time since that we've advertised the two-on-two title match between them and had it changed somehow. Give them the shot, don't, I don't give a shit, but make up your mind. Oh, and I can't wait to run down the list of guys who don't make the Rumble itself when Rikishi and Billy Gunn are in it.
Segment 5
Please please please please please go to house shows. Maybe I would if you'd advertise the lineup sooner than when the doors open.
Tazz holds a bar of soap. Somebody gets that in their mouth tonight.
One fall for the WWE Tag Team Championship: The Brothers Basham (champions--w/Shaniqua) vs. The Self Proclaimed World's Greatest Tag Team
Well, this one will be better than the one that was scheduled, at least. But before we begin, Tazz grabs a house mic, as Heyman's telling him through his headset that the titles aren't on the line. But, the winning team will be in the Royal Rumble. Two bait-and-switches in as many segments. Danny locks Haas in a headlock. Haas with a waistlock takedown. That to Benjamin, who pounds away. Danny pushes him into the corner and tags Doug in. Forearm smash. Benjamin with an exploder suplex for 2. Benjamin is backdropped onto the apron. Shaniqua pulls him off, and the Bashams knock him down. Benjamin enters the ring at 8 and Doug continues the assault. Tag to Danny, and it's Stompmania 2K4. Elbowdrop for 2. Wow, variety. Forearm smash. Tag to Doug. Kicks and forearms. Benjamin with a backdrop and a hot tag to Haas. Haas takes care of both opponents, but Doug gets an elbow in. Haas with a rollup and handful of tights, Danny makes the save, but as the referee clears him out of the ring, Benjamin hits Doug with a superkick, and Haas rolls him up for the pin at 3:59 to enter the Rumble. *
Some guy tells Angle that Chavo Guerrero Sr. has arrived.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
As much improvement we saw in the Basham Brothers last week, we saw none of that here. Part of it was because it was just a four minute match, but part of it was the offense that was nothing but stomps and kicks and forearms and elbows. These guys spent how long in Ohio Valley Wrestling to do THAT on national TV? Not to mention that in two straight segments, we bailed on the promised title match...this show is going downhill at a rapid rate.
Segment 6
Tickets go on sale for No Way Out in San Francisco on Saturday morning.
Chavo Guerrero Sr. comes out to the ring to absolutely no reaction. A shame, as he was awesome in his day. Chavo doesn't blame the crowd for booing him, especially considering what the family's going through. But he's ashamed of Chavito, so he wants to apologize to Eddy personally for his son's actions. That brings out Eddy. Eddy's got a question. Did Chavo Jr. send him out here? Nope, Chavo Sr.'s on his own. So basically, "You out here playing Daddy. You're out here playing Big Brother." And everything's supposed to be alright? Eddy apologizes for raising his voice, but his temper got the best of him. But the anger's toward Chavo Jr. But did Chavo Sr. raise his son to turn his back on his family? But Eddy believes Chavo Sr. didn't raise him like that, so he can't understand why the apology. Chavo Sr. agrees with Eddy, saying his son should be here...and in fact, Chavito Guerrero is here. Um...but they said he wasn't here. THREE bait-and-switches in as many segments. Eddy turns toward Chavito...and Chavo Sr. knees him in the back, then holds Eddy so that Chavito can attack. What the fuck is going on? Now the double team by father and son, and one more shot for good measure before Kurt Angle makes the save.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
What in the bloody hell was that? Angle's the one who has essentially caused this situation...and he saves Eddy? They flew Chavo Sr. in to attack his brother? More importantly, they thought this would add to the feud? Well, it actually detracted from the feud, as I see no way this does anything long-term. The only thing they can really do that makes any sense is have Eddy vs. Chavo Sr. or maybe a tag match with these four men, and who knows what Chavo Sr. has in him after being out of wrestling for at least ten years at this point. Did they hire Vince Russo back and not tell anybody?
Segment 7
Moments ago, Chavo Jr. and Sr. beat the bejeezus out of Eddy.
During the break, the Chavos left the arena, with Chavito saying "He got everything he deserved."
Six Man Tag Team Match: The FBI vs. ...
BUT WAIT! Out comes Dawn Marie, and...wait for it...this will be a battle royal to determine a spot in the Royal Rumble.
Battle Royal featuring Chuck Palumbo vs. Johnny Stamboli vs. Nunzio for a spot in the Royal Rumble
Four bait-and-switches in as many segments, if you're keeping track. Nunzio tries to order Palumbo and Stamboli over the top, and neither of them wants to do it, so Nunzio is getting PISSED! Palumbo finally agrees...then knocks Nunzio out cold with one punch. Palumbo and Stamboli begin brawling with each other. Palumbo again knocks Nunzio down, and Stamboli tries to eliminate him, but Palumbo boots Stamboli in the head to prevent it. Palumbo backdrops Stamboli to the apron. Stamboli tries to suplex Palumbo over, and Nunzio sneaks over and winds up eliminating both of them for the win at 2:21. 1/2* Postmatch, Palumbo and Stamboli take offense to the finish, but Nunzio claims he'll win it for all three of them. Apparently all is well with the FBI.
Eddy is in the locker room, and he gives Angle the death look. Angle claims he had nothing to do with it. "I don't want to fight you. Don't go there." Eddy actually thanks Angle. "I want to see myself kick Chavito's ass too, holmes."
COMMERCIAL BREAK
That was the point of Chavo Sr.'s appearance? Eh, whatever.
And there's really not much to say about the battle royal either. The key is to bring home the "every man for himself" aspect of the Royal Rumble, and this show has done that, but that's literally four straight segments where something that was advertised (or in the case of Chavo Jr.'s appearance, not advertised) has gone the opposite direction. Luckily we don't pay $9.95 a week for this, huh?
Segment 8
Royal Rumble Qualifying Match scheduled for one fall: SmackDown's NUMBAH ONE Announcah! vs. The Too Damn Big Show (WWE United States Champion--w/security and King Brock I)
This is apparently the last qualifying match of the evening. Thank God. Funaki gamely punches away, but Show catches him and simply slaps his chest. High Beell. Softcore Holly shows up at the top of the ramp, which distracts Show long enough for Funaki to lock in a sleeper. Show easily breaks it and goes for the Choke Slam, but Funaki low blows out of it. One punch by Show gets the pin at 1:15, and I'm begging for something good to be on this show. DUD Holly stays on the ramp as Brock taunts him by standing next to Show.
Heyman is giving Rhyno a pep talk, explaining the stipulations to tonight's match. But it's more than a match. It's the degradation of society vs. the moral fiber of the USA. So Canadians officially don't care, right? Heyman says Rhyno was held back by Stephanie McMahon, but he wants the ressurection of the real Rhyno...the EXTREME Rhyno.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
What can I say about that segment except "At least there wasn't a bait and switch"? I barely remember what's happened on this show already, and it doesn't end for half an hour yet.
Segment 9
We are ten days away from the Royal Rumble.
Number two on the Billy Gunn Countdown: Billy Gunn wins the 1999 King of the Ring tournament (June 27, 1999). I feel bad for Tazz and Cole for having to try to put Gunn over.
"Nothing to Lose" by Puddle of Mudd is the Royal Rumble theme song. Holly vs. Lesnar. Rey Jr. vs. Noble. Eddy vs. Chavo Jr. Plus the Royal Rumble featuring...um...maybe five guys with a legit shot of winning.
Wash Your Mouth Out With Soap Match: The Man Beast Rhyno (w/Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman) vs. John Cena
Before Cena's entrance, Heyman wants to make one thing clear. He and Rhyno have zero tolerance for the hip hop scene, and the referee had better have zero tolerance for any wrongdoings by Cena. The odds always favor the house, and Rhyno and Heyman are the house. So tonight, Rhyno cannot be disqualified or counted out. In short, Cena can't so much as throw a punch, but Rhyno is wrestling under ECW rules.
Cena slides into the ring and quickly meets Rhyno's forearm. Rhyno dumps Cena over the top rope, and Cena CAN be counted out, so Brian Hebner gets to six before Cena reenters the ring. Cena reverses a whip and clotheslines Rhyno. Several times. Rhyno rolls to the outside to take a Tastykake break, and he CAN'T be counted out, so Hebner tells Cena the joke about the priest and the rabbi walking into the bar. Back in, and Rhyno regains control as Tazz explains ECW rules to a clueless Cole. Rhyno uses Cena's own arms to cut off the flow of blood to the brain. Cena sends Rhyno to the outside, but Rhyno takes control and rams Cena into the mat. Cena rolls in, and Rhyno reaches under the ring and grabs a kendo stick...and he uses it at will on Cena. Now tell me how they knew to put a kendo stick under the ring when this match wasn't made until about 90 minutes ago. Rhyno dumps Cena to the floor again. A series of punches by Rhyno. Cena gets one shot in and slides back in to break the count, only to be pulled back out and get sent into the ringsteps. Rhyno grabs a chair. Back back back back back...gone! Rhyno rolls Cena in and covers for 2. Heyman tosses the chair to Rhyno. He places it between the top two turnbuckles. Corner whip, reversal, and Rhyno hits the chair. Tazz wants a DQ, but Rhyno is the one who grabbed the chair, so the match continues. Cena covers for 2. Cena ducks a punch and punches away at Rhyno. Knee to the midsection, followed by the Throwback. Cena up top...flying elbow to the back of Rhyno's surgically repaired neck. Kick, fireman's carry, and Heyman low blows Cena to prevent the F-U. Heyman smiles and says "Count him out", and Rhyno covers for 2. Rhyno with a belly-to-belly suplex. Cena avoids a Gore, but Rhyno stops his momentum to avoid hitting the corner. Out he sends Cena, and he finds a table. Because you can't have ECW rules without a table.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I'm trying to enjoy this one, I really am, and it's telling a decent story, but that slow pace is killing it. If the pace picks up and the finish is hot, it's passable, but this has gone so long already. Then again, compared to the first five matches, five minutes is like an Ironman Match.
Segment 10
Rhyno slams Cena onto the folded table. Up top...but Cena rolls out of the way, and Rhyno breaks a piece of the table with the landing. Cena slow to cover, and he only gets 2. Rhyno with a kick. Corner whip, shoulderblock for 2. Rhyno sets up the table in the corner, then takes Cena down with a hard spinebuster slam. Rhyno with a slow cover for 2. Rhyno has Cena in position for the Gore...but Cena moves and Rhyno goes through the table. F-U, pin at 17:17. ** Heyman quickly decides "Fuck the stipulations", but Chris BenOIT comes out and backs Heyman back into the ring. Heyman grabs the kendo stick and says "I'm leaving", and Cena goes "Go ahead". A shot for Benoit, but it does nothing. Benoit tackles Heyman, but Cena pulls him off...and asks for a sharpshooter so Cena can stick the soap in his mouth. Benoit obliges, and Cena grabs the mic and tells Benoit to chill. Heyman apologizes, but he made the match, so Cena grabs the soap. "You smell like crap, so I can tell you don't like soap too much." All Cena has to do is say Benoit's name, and he'll add pressure to the hold. Heyman refuses to lick the soap, so Benoit tightens the hold. Heyman looks hungry, so why not eat it? "Chris, I'm sorry..." "You said Chris." Heyman is forced to eat soap. Heyman tells Cena he'll screw Cena over. Cena has a better idea. "Chris..." This was funny at first, but it's getting old. Heyman: "F you! F you, John Cena!" Cena: "F you, Paul Heyman. Chris...?" They finally end Heyman's misery, and there's the high five.
END OF SHOW
A decent story told with the match, but simply boring for too much of it to rate any higher. The main point of this was to give Cena and Benoit a taste of revenge over Heyman, which likely lessens their odds of actually winning the Rumble. But the match was too long, the payoff was too long, and I honestly don't know how I stayed awake for those last two segments.
Overall, this was not a good show at all. And that might be the nice way to put it. A decent match or two that might have salvaged this from being horrible, but simply not enough good to outweigh the bad. Ten days away from the Royal Rumble, and they were trying to build up toward it, but I honestly care less about the pay-per-view than I did a week ago, and that is NOT a good thing.
Feedback. Archives. You know the drill.
| |
|
|
|
|
|
