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TNA
SmackDown! from JHawk's Beak
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Sep 12, 2002, 23:00
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SmackDown! from JHawk's Beak (9/12/2002)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
He's baaa-aack! And unfortunately, my recent hiatus from this site was not for recreational purposes. Allow me to once again thank Dr. Tom for filling in for me for Raw on Monday, as I was out of state to attend the funeral for my recently departed grandmother. I wasn't sure I'd make it home in time for the show, so Dr. Tom's assistance is greatly appreciated. I did get in just in time to catch the show on Monday, and despite the HLA segment being way way way too predictable, I think most of the recappers were a bit harsh on the show. And after watching Dwayne Rudd single-handedly cost the Browns the game this past Sunday, it wouldn't have taken much crap to get me to hate that show.
By the way, a quick note on the Dwayne Rudd thing before I drop it. "Unsportsmanlike conduct"? Only if he's actually pissed off when he throws the helmet. At least be honest and say, "We have a penalty. Being a fucking moron by not listening for a whistle. Fifteen yards and about 50 million angry fans." Seriously, taking the helmet off might be a safety concern, but last time I checked there is no penalty for stupidity in the rulebook. The bottom line is that when his helmet came off, the play was on the other side of the field, so essentially the Browns lose the game over something that didn't actually affect the game. The helmet was thrown aside where nobody could get hurt by it unless they ran onto the field in front of the damn thing, so you can't use the argument that someone else is in danger. A good call to a bad rule, much like what I refer to as the "Tom Brady Rule" (Raiders fans know what I'm talking about). So remember kids, don't take your helmet off until you're on the sidelines. Then you can start swinging at the fans and it's perfectly legal and not unsportsmanlike conduct in the least.
Sadly, you know some guy who played football before helmets were required is rolling over in is grave while thinking to himself, "What a bunch of pussies."
Don't you have a show to recap? Oh yeah! Tonight, the heavily hyped "commitment ceremony" for Billy and Chuck. I have to give them credit, even my non-wrestling fan friends have been asking me about it. Not like any of them are watching, but people are talking. Interestingly enough, as of 3pm Eastern the only other thing wwe.com was listing was something about The Undertaker searching for Brock Lesnar. And this is on a taped show.
And we're going to try something new tonight. Those of you who are in our forums during the shows might hang out in "The One and Only thread". So following the show, I'll be online catching up with the thread and inserting some of my favorite posts from the One and Only SmackDown thread. These will be inserted into my already completed recap and should be in italics. Why? Two reasons. One, to hype the forums for those who don't frequent them. Two, because some of you are funnier than I am. I figure I'll try it tonight since there are usually fewer posts to go through for SmackDown than there are for Raw. You know the feedback addy by now, so let me know if this works or not.
Shall we get started?
LaParkaYourCar: "It sure does look like millions of fans are anxiously awaiting Smackdown to me. Okay I'll drop the sarcasm. Plus I know what happens too."
Well, I don't, so shhhhh!
Segment 1
We open with the commitment ceremony invitation. How sweet. Since Chuck proposed, does that mean Billy's wearing the dress?
Taped 9/10/2002 from the Target Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota (although if they wanted to make it truly appropriate, we'd have done this one at the Cow Palace in San Francisco)! Tonight, Billy and Chuck get hitched, and not because they have to! Plus, Rey Misterio vs. Kurt Angle!
And we kick off the fourth season of SmackDown! with a match!
Non-title match scheduled for one fall: King Brock I (WWE Champion--w/Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman) vs. Softcore Holly
This is presumably set because Holly is pissed about not being in the top contenders series two weeks ago. Immediate staredown, and they trade punches at the bell. Brock immediately starts with the belly-to-belly suplexes. This is gonna be a squash. With any luck at all. Hardcore tackles Brock to the floor, but Brock is immediately back in control. Referee Jim Korderas doesn't know how to count to 10, but after a belly-to-belly, Brock tosses Holly back into the ring and covers for 2. "Lesnar" chant starting (presumably piped in). A badly edited sequence shows Brock clotheslining Holly. And Brock with the delayed vertical suplex. Holly with token punches, but Brock puts on the side bearhug and squeezes Holly's ribs. Holly tries to break, so Lesnar just waistlock suplexes him and covers for 2. Holly again comes back, but Brock side steps a flying dropkick. Brock with a power bomb...no, he just dropped him on his head. That's a Ganso Bomb in Japan! Was that planned or botched? Only Brock knows for sure. Holly blocks another power bomb and gets in a dropkick. Brock goes for the German, but Holly counters into a roll up for 2. That is short-lived, as Brock hits the World's Ugliest F5 for the win at 6:11. The replay is kinder to the F5.
Backstage, The Undertaker is walking with...what the fuck happened to Stephanie McMahon? Oh, it's Pregnant Sara Undertaker. Nevermind.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Cartman2092 comments on the Ganso Bomb: nice move...
Maybe this means Taker can go back to using the Tombstone?
Reinstate the plain old Piledriver in fact!
I wanna see more of these nasty sick moves...screw the wrestlers safety...lol
As far as glorified squashes go, that was quite alright, but I think we can officially say goodbye to any semblance of a Hardcore Holly push. He was good enough to need six minutes to get his ass kicked, unlike Matt Hardy's three or four minutes a few weeks ago.
And if Sara's really pregnant (and I don't care, so don't tell me if she is or not), then why bring her backstage? Didn't burying DDP satisfy her enough?
Segment 2
Tag Team Match scheduled for one fall: Latino Heat and Chavito Guerrero vs. John Cena and Edge
Dear God, I can hear Anglesault screaming on the forums already. Eddy gets a cheap clothesline on Edge before the bell rings. Cheat to win baby! Edge counters a Victory roll with an Electric Chair. Cena and Eddy are apparently the legal men to start, and you'll be happy to know that John Cena is actually wearing clothes. Eddy going to work on Cena's left arm. Edge and Cena are one step ahead of double team tactics until Chavo pulls the top rope down, causing Cena to tumble to the floor. Chavo tagged in, and he beats on Cena for a while. Eddy tagged in, and it's Beat on John Cena Night in the Target Center. Cena gets Eddy down with a Gorilla press, but Chavo tackles the knee to break up a second Gorilla press attempt. "Hot Tag" says a sign in the crowd, and Edge works over Chavo. Eddy trips up Edge and posts him crotch-first, and Chavo gets in an European uppercut and a cover for 2. Eddy in, and he pounds away at Edge with forearms before getting 2 off of a brain buster. Beautiful springboard rana by Eddy, and he covers for 2. Tag to Chavo, and he targets Edge's back. Edge fighting back, but he's stopped with a knee to the midsection. Chavo covers for 2. Edge comes back and gets Chavo with that inverted side slam. Eddy tagged in..THERE'S the hot tag, and Cena looks like God. All four men doing their thing, and it's Spearomania until Eddy side steps Edge, who falls to the floor. Chavo follows this with a brain buster to Cena, and Eddy is off the top for the frog splash and the pin at 7:00 to a surprisingly good pop. Postmatch, Eddy starts punching and badmouthing Edge, and Chavo pulls his tights down. Stink face for Edge? Nope. Edge with a low blow, and he shoves Eddy into Chavo's ass to get his heat back. How the fuck did this get over?
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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kingpk: Hey, that was clean.
I feel cheated.
Well, this was a great match (and judging from the crowd reaction, the right team went over), but what is this writing team's fetish with seeing a man's face in another man's ass? No wonder we have a same-sex wedding tonight...I think the writers are attracted to their male counterparts. And notice it's the good wrestlers that get humuliated like this. You never see Mark Henry get his face stuck in a man's ass. And notice that the Rocky Maivia-esque push for John Cena is starting to backfire on them already?
Segment 3
Backstage, Eddy is pissed, and Chavo is trying to convince Eddy that he wiped before the match. Eddy: "If you weren't my blood, I'd kick your ass!"
SmackDown!'s Number Two Reporter Mark Loyd is trying to find out why Taker brought Sara, and she apparently has friends and family in the area. In comes Mr. Mattitude to congratulate Taker, but Taker's not interested. Matt puts his hands on Taker and keeps talking anyway, so Taker tosses him into a door.
Rico is on his cell phone, and whoever he's talking to doesn't get "two grooms, no brides". Into Stephanie McBitch's office, and apparently Stephanie isn't attending because she's had bad luck with weddings and doesn't want to be a jinx. Rico is having a conniption fit because nothing is going right. There's no flowers, the cake has two grooms, and there's no witness. Steph agrees to witness, but if there are no witnesses then WHAT THE HELL ARE WE? Stephanie's gonna wind up in the cake!
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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LaParkaYourCar: I don't know about being champ, but Rico is way too talented to be wasted on this crap. Matt Hardy's new gimmick is pretty cool so far.
If Chavo snaps and starts riding a stick horse to the ring again, I'm outta here. This is smelling of their 1998 WCW feud, except this one has a more believable premise.
Matt Hardy is going to get his ass kicked by The Undertaker. Good, I always enjoy a Hardy getting his ass kicked. Maybe that's the "pretty cool" part of the gimmick
I don't understand why Rico needs a witness for a wedding shown on national television, but I've got to hand it to him. He's selling this whole thing really well. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought there was really going to be a wedding tonight.
Segment 4
Did you know we're in Minneapolis? And we have a gay wedding? I need a drink.
Kurt Angle Does Not Suck (w/candy striper outfit) is on his way to the ring. Sign in crowd: "Visit Kurt Angle at yousuck.com. It's true, it's true." Angle grabs the stick...get your mind out of the gutter...and makes some short jokes before bitching about getting a Stink Face. The crowd begins a "What" chant to show that people in Minnesota are six months behind the times. Now a "you suck" chant, and that's appropriate for a gay wedding. He then threatens to kick Chris Benoit's ass if he laughs at him again. Angle: "Misterio, you're a boy in a man's world, and I'm a man who likes to play with boys. No, wait! What I meant to say is you're a boy, and I'm a man, and I'm going to love to manhandle you. No, WAIT!" And another badly worded line. He's trying to say he'll kick Misterio's ass. The match is next!
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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kingpk: Angle's a Catholic priest?
Had Angle not already done a similar promo prior to King of the Ring 2001, then that would rank as one of the funniest segments ever. Angle's facial expressions when he realized what he was saying were absolutely priceless! Now that he's been humuliated on the mic, let's watch him become humiliated in the ring, shall we? Hands up if you actually think Angle's going over again! Anyone?
Segment 5
One fall: Kurt Angle Does Not Suck vs. Rey Misterio Jr.
Cole actually claims Raw used HLA to try to catch up to SmackDown in the ratings. What report is he reading? Angle breaks an armbar with a bodyslam. Angle uses an amateur takedown and paintbrushes Misterio's head. Misterio catches Angle off-guard with a fireman's carry, so an angry Angle shoves Misterio down. So Rey suckers Angle in and sends him to the floor. In comes Angle, and he continues to remain half a step ahead of Angle. Rey with a springboard ropeflip moonsault for 2, then he counters an Angle Slam with an armdrag. Angle finally catches Rey with one of those release Germans, and he wisely slows the pace down by simply kicking Misterio. Backbreaker by Angle for 2. Misterio attempts a comeback, but gets caught with a belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Angle with a bodyscissors and a bearhug in one to try to cut the air off from Rey. Rey is able to roll Angle up for 2, but Angle is quickly into the rolling German suplex. The third is countered with a bulldog, but Rey can't follow up. Rey finally does get some momentum, including landing feet-first on the top rope off an Angle throw and hitting a moonsault for 2. Sweet spot. Out to the floor, and Rey with a dive onto Angle. Back into the ring. Rey with a springboard legdrop for 2, which Angle immediately turns into an ankle lock, which Rey immediately breaks. Rey with a 619, but not the West Coast Pop, but he gets a rana for 2...and Brian Hebner paused at the top of the count. Smell the controversy! Rey going up to the top rope...and Angle runs to the top rope and takes Rey down with the Super Angle Slam and gets the pin at 8:25. Holy shit, I just lost 10 bucks! Maybe I should read the spoilers more often!
Backstage, a limo pulls up, and they're apparently with the wedding party.
And next, Chris Benoit vs. Rikishi. Ugh.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Will Scarlet: You know, I am quite pleased that Tazz si actually paying attention to the match, isntead of yelling "HLA! HLA!" all night like the King does.
What a freaking match! Are you sure I didn't have to pay $34.95 for that one? I liked their SummerSlam match better, but this was damn close to that one. Now if only we could have timed that false finish just a little bit better.
Who's in the limo? And more importantly, does anybody care?
And who gave them the right to let Rikishi wrestle when I recap the show.
Anyway, we're halfway through the show, and the shortest match out of three is over six minutes? I think I've landed in Bizarro World.
Segment 6
One fall: Chris BeNOIT vs. Rikishi
Apparently we're getting Rikishi shoved down our throats until we like him again. Why can't they do this for people we like? Rikishi barely gets a pop with the canned heat! Benoit tries to throw the first punch, but Rikishi is waiting for it. Benoit gets the first legal blow (a forearm) and goes to work, but he walks into a sitout choke slam. A low blow gives Benoit an advantage, and Benoit with the chops (whoo!) and a cover for 2. Benoit gets in the Crippler Crossface! Please give me a repeat of two weeks ago and tap, you son of a bitch! Rikishi actually gets to his feet and breaks the hold. He places Benoit to the corner to set up the Banzai drop, but Benoit gets to his feet and Electric Chairs him off the ropes. Benoit signals for the Swan Dive Headbutt, but Kurt Angle runs out and knocks him off the ropes. Benoit wins by DQ at 3:01, but Rikishi disposes of Angle and sets Benoit up for a Stink Face. Angle holds Benoit's arm, there's the Stink Face, and Angle laughs at Benoit. "Who's laughing now?"
Remember, the first same sex wedding in WWE history is tonight!
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Your Olympic Hero: Do you think anyone other than Rikishi will be put over in the Angle/Benoit feud?
Um, guys...I'm all for another Angle-Benoit feud, but can we find any other way to build this one? I mean, two guys with this kind of workrate should have a feud based on wins and losses, not on who laughed when the other one got a man's ass in his face. For the record, this is now TWO segments that has a man's face buried in another man's ass on the night of a gay wedding. And to think you need like five years of TV writing experience in order to even get considered for a WWE writing job. Well, at least the match was short.
Segment 7
We are setting up the ring for the commitment ceremony. Christ, three segments after this, and we're doing this already?
Backstage, Benoit is in Stephanie's office, and he wants Angle at Unforgiven. Matt Hardy comes in and wants to talk, but Steph makes him wait. Steph makes Angle-Benoit for Unforgiven, and Benoit says he's gonna hurt Angle. Now it's Matt's turn, and he wants The Undertaker. Stephanie says Taker's booked for Unforgiven, so Matt wants it tonight. Steph makes the match. Didn't he learn at the Royal Rumble?
Rico comes out for the commitment ceremony, and he still has time to critique the singers for their hair and outfits, even though he's the best man AND giving away the bride...groom...oh, whatever. Rico is upset because nothing is going as planned.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Again, I like Angle vs. Benoit at Unforgiven, but it's a feud centered around a Samoan's fat ass. And again, I love watching a Hardy get his ass kicked, but when are they going to learn?
Anyway, it's time for the commitment ceremony...same sex marriage...storyline plot...whatever the hell you want to call it. I give it 10 minutes before Stephanie McMahon winds up in the cake.
Segment 8
Stephanie McMahon is your witness, rendering the other 20,000 people in the arena meaningless. Sign in crowd: "I always cry at weddings." It's time for the commitment ceremony. The singers do their thing by singing "It's Raining Men"...dear God, I liked Fozzy better. And here come The Happy Couple in tuxedos. Look at the Justice of the Peace getting down! I didn't know Mrs. Doubtfire liked gay rock music. The crowd boos the end of the song. I'm cheering because it's over. Of course, the Justice of the Peace is using a fake voice that annoys the hell out of me. Why not? With that makeup job? Anyway, Chuck is first with the vows. The essence is Billy captured something more important than a tag team title...he's captured Chuck's heart. Billy's turn, and he found it corny, and that's why Billy loves Chuck. Yes, the crowd is pissed about having to sit through this. And Rico has a video of their union. Why can't this crowd throw beer bottles or something? It's like Love Story if you have Richard Simmons and Paul Lynne starring in it. I can't place the Justice of the Peace, but he's damn familiar. Does anybody have any objections? Yeah, the entire crowd. "Just say no! Just say no!" Here comes The Godfather? What the hell? He still wors there? And he has hos? Didn't he close down shop? And he has attractive hos, that's new! And what better place for the Ho Train to stop than a party? He's back in business. Rah. Godfather digs Rico's threads, but he has to stop the ceremony anyway, because the truth must be heard. Apparently, Billy was so successful with Godfather's ladies that he was asked to stay away. And Chuck was apparently a ladies man with his brother, but he was a fat chick thriller. Wrong former WCW wrestler, Godfather, but close enough. Rico takes offense to the interruption, so "Please removeth thyself from the building." Godfather tells Rico he doesn't know what he's missing. And he's leaving! Don't take the hos! At least leave the blonde in the red for me! Rico wants to go straight to the end (thank God). So we're at the "I do" part, but both men are looking confused. Rico's forcing the issue. Billy says yes, and Rico breathes a sigh of relief. Chuck says yes, but only after Rico prods him into it. Interesting... BUT WAIT! Chuck stops the pronouncement. Both men claim they're not gay and that this was just a publicity stunt. Billy: "In fact, even if I was gay, I probably wouldn't be marrying Chuck." Rico is screaming, and the Justice of the Peace is trying to interrupt. "Commitments are sacred, and it doesn't matter if they last 50 years, 16 months, or 3 minutes." FUCK YEAH! Rico gets a shot on Billy, Chuck gets a shot on Rico, and out comes Rosie and Jamal as Justice of the Peace Earache Bitchoff holds Steph at bay...until Steph gets caught into a Samoan drop. Fuck yeah! Kick her ass! Rico is going to hold Stephanie down for the big one...but out comes the entire SmackDown roster to run them off. Fuck yeah, this was fucking awesome!
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Holy shit, it actually paid off! I have to admit, I was bored, and I was disappointed when it appeared The Godfather was the main swerve for it (and I wasn't expecting anything). And that was such a great makeup job that I couldn't place it was Bischoff until I heard "three minutes". Rico's apparently over to Raw, which makes what, three men worth a damn on that show now, and not only do I get to see Matt Hardy get killed by the end of the hour, but I got to see Stephanie get hers too! Yes, Bischoff is the face GM! WHOO HOO! I can't believe they actually had a wedding angle that paid off!
LaParkaYourCar: yeah they could have sped that up a little, but damn.......the WWE can pull off something like that yet they can't book winners and losers very well?
Segment 9
"Adrenaline" from the XXX soundtrack is the official theme for Unforgiven, but let's watch the replay of the SWANK~! beatdown! Of course, Cole makes it seem like Bischoff's the bad guy even though the crowd cheered only for Godfather and the swerve.
One fall: Torrie Wilson vs. Nidia (w/o Jamie Noble, who is banned from ringside)
This is a rematch from Nidia's cheap win a week ago. Why does the Tough Enough 1 winner need to cheat to beat a non-wrestler anyway? They brawl on the floor to start, and once in the ring, Nidia gets a clothesline for 2. Torrie comes back and gets a bodyslam for 2. Nidia begins the heel in control segment. Torrie with a comeback, and her offense consists of a kick and a swinging neckbreaker before she gets the pin at 1:34.
Backstage, Undertaker tells Sara he'll be right back. Meanwhile, Matt Hardy knocks on Brock Lesnar's door. "OK guys. Ready?"
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Well, there was a match that had no purpose, particularly when Cole spent the entire time making Bischoff out to be the bad guy in entire commitment ceremony thing. Well, he's trying to legitimize the split, I'll give him credit for that. Anyway, the main event is next, and we have the appearance of Brock Lesnar to keep us somewhat in doubt. Not very much in doubt, mind you, but somewhat in doubt nonetheless.
Segment 10
One fall: Mr. Mattitude (w/new music, King Brock I, and Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman) vs. The Undertaker
9:53 pm. Good, this won't take long. Heyman immediately hops on the apron. Then he tosses a chair into the ring. Mind games. I like it. Finally we get contact in the form of Taker throwing Matt to the mat and beating the crap out of him. Setting up the Last Ride, but Heyman is on the apron again. And Mike Chioda is ejecting Heyman to the back, but Hardy gets in a low blow. His offense lasts until Taker gets in a Big Boot, and this time Lesnar distracts Taker. Matt sends Taker to the floor and distracts Chioda, and now Brock works him over on the floor. And even though Chioda didn't see anything, he throws Lesnar out too. Hardy is a bit overconfident though, so he wastes time instead of going for it. Twist of Fate, attempted, but Taker throws Hardy off and clotheslines him. Taker back into full kick Matt Hardy's ass" mode, but look at the SmackDown-tron, where Heyman is with Sara in the locker room. Taker runs to the back like a bat out of hell, and Matt is going to get a countout win out of this! Heyman tries to reason with Sara about getting Taker out of the match, and in runs Taker. He chokes Heyman, but LOOK OUT, because Brock has a chair! Brock gloms him, then corners Sara against the wall. Brock: "Life's a bitch." Sara then checks on Taker and we're out. No bell, call it Matt by countout at 5:36.
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END OF SHOW
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Goodear: You just know Matt is going to be walking around with that victory on his shoulder for weeks. I'm sure Hurricane and Moore will be hearing stories about it for weeks and weeks...
"You guys are good... BUT I BEAT UNDERTAKER!!! WHOOOO!"
*yawn* It had potential as simply Heyman screwing with him, but they got a bit too soap operaish with the finish. This just died following the Heyman ejection. They really should have had this segment earlier in the show. Who are they trying to out over here, anyway? This does NOT make me want to order Unforgiven.
Overall, pretty good. The first hour was very wrestling heavy and very good, and the second hour sucked save for the last two minutes. Thumbs up overall, because an hour and 5 minutes of good outweighs 55 minutes of complete suck.
Until Saturday when we bring back Today in Wrestling History, e-mail me stuff.
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