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From TheSmartMarks.com TNA Raw from JHawk's Beak (1/10/2005) Segment 1 Live from the Home Depot Center in Fort Lauderdale, Florida! And Triple H wastes no time coming to ringside with title belt in tow. I wanna go to bed already. Whoa, Ric Flair is there, too. He's so far behind Hunter that I almost missed him. Hunter wants to hear whether the fans think it's politics or whatever other reason that he's got the title, but the fact is Hunter is the only guy on the roster who doesn't suck. Name one guy who's as good as Hunter. AJ Styles. Samoa Joe. Paul London. Bryan Danielson. About half the main eventers in Japan. Need I go on? "There's a sign over here that says 'Triple H is God'? In this ring, I just might be." And now you know why we're still subjected to the same old stuff. I'm a ten time champion now, blah blah blah. Hunter even claims he has a hit movie. Being a bit player in a hit movie does NOT constitute having a hit movie. Flair says we must respect the champ since he's still the man, but the hell with the fans, sayeth Hunter. We're useless. But one man is far from useless because he's the ultimate team player. So dominant last night, he eliminated two men. Bring Batista out, already. They celebrate, but out comes Randy Orton. If he's not rejoining Evolution, I don't care. As usual, Hunter's only telling half the story. But Orton's a loser, and celebrations are for winners. And yes, Hunter pinned Orton thanks to Batista's help after he'd already been eliminated. OK, so Batista has his back, "but it's a shame you don't have Batista's back." And here's the footage of Hunter starting to save Batista last night but backing up at the last minute. Well, after a minute, because although Triple H balks, Batista wants to see it. Um...what part of "every man for himself" doesn't Orton get? And what part of that doesn't Batista get, because he is PISSED! Hunter claims he was too hurt from "45 minutes" of action, but he stutters through it. The crowd ain't buying it. And neither is Orton, because if you look at this footage, you'll see Hunter has plenty of energy after Batista lifted him on his shoulders for the celebration. See the thumbs up? When the time's right, it'll become a thumbs down. "Trust me, I'm speaking from experience." And Orton claims he'll do something about it, because he DEMANDS a title shot. How many chances does he get, anyway? But it's the decision of Eric Bischoff. And last week, Orton got the pin over Triple H. And after last night, Orton deserves the shot. Hunter tries to claim Orton can't get the title shot per agreement, but Bischoff rightfully points out that since Hunter lost the title, the agreement is null and void. However, Batista deserves the shot as well. So we've got a problem. But tonight, we'll settle it with Orton vs. Batista in a number one contenders match. COMMERCIAL BREAK I was actually afraid for a few minutes that they were going to completely screw this one up. And honestly, I'm still afraid of that. But they still keep the tension between Batista and Triple H alive while keeping Orton in the mix to make people wonder exactly the WrestleMania 21 Raw main event is going to be. The winner gets the shot at the Royal Rumble, I assume? Then assume Orton's going over. Segment 2 Clips of the on-sale dates for Raw and SmackDown TV tapings in Japan. No footage of the Kurt Angle-Shawn Michaels staredown though. Royal Rumble Qualifying Match scheduled for one fall: Shelton Benjamin (WWE Intercontinental Champion) vs. Maven What, twice last night wasn't enough? Maven charges with a forearm before the bell, and we've already had more action than we did between these two last night. Low blow and a neckbreaker for 2. Neck vice. Benjamin with a series of elbows and an armdrag. High backdrop and a clothesline. Stinger splash, but Maven avoids the Exploder. He can't avoid the dragon whip though, and this time Shelton does hit the Exploder for the pin at 1:50. Benjamin 3, Maven 0. Tonight, Christy meet Maria in a lingerie pillow fight, plus the top contenders match. COMMERCIAL BREAK So much for Maven's push, and quite possibly, so much for Maven's active WWE career. Enjoy life in OVW and/or the indy circuit, Maven. You've got six months of drawing as "former WWE star Maven" before people stop caring. Segment 3 One fall: Muhammed Hassan (w/Khosrow Daivari) vs. The Hurricane (w/Rosey) Of course, Hassan has to speak about his victory over Jerry Lawler last night before his opponent is introduced, claiming he struck a blow against the biased American media. And tonight, his personal revolution continues as shows us how he feels about truth, justice, and the American way. Way to telegraph the opponent there. Daivari's distraction leads to a Hassan clothesline, and the Arab-American is in control. Forearm to the back for 2. Cobra clutch. Hurricane breaks with a jawbreaker. Flying leg lariat. Modified inverted DDT. Missing the shining black, and the downward spiral wins it for Hassan in 1:59. COMMERCIAL BREAK SmackDown had "Christmas in Iraq" and "The Night of Champions" on back-to-back weeks? Well, Raw's got a subtitle this week too. "Night of the Squashes". But quite frankly, Hassan probably should have had a couple of wins like that before getting onto pay-per-view anyway. Over worse guys than Hurricane, of course. Segment 4 Wow, a WrestleMania Recall that doesn't focus on WrestleMania XII! Pete Rose gets Tombstoned by Kane at WrestleMania XIV! Batista is in deep thought backstage, and into the locker room comes Triple H. He just wants Dave to know that he's giving Batista his support. Hell, he'd love to defend the title against Batista. It would be an honor, and he deserves it. Really. Batista: "I guess eventually, we all get what we deserve." Edge is getting ready to qualify for the Royal Rumble. COMMERCIAL BREAK "I guess eventually, we all get what we deserve." Remember that one sentence in particular, as I have a feeling that one's coming into play before the night's out. Segment 5 Short matches? Gotta make time for that lingerie pillow fight! But we've also got that top contenders match later! Royal Rumble Qualifying Match scheduled for one fall: Edge vs. Rhyno Gee, I wonder who's gonna win. A nice "EC-dub" chant for Rhyno. Rhyno throws Edge into the corner. Backdrop. Edge to the apron, and Rhyno sends him into the ringpost. He charges but runs into Edge's right hand. Back in, and Edge is in control. Edge uses the ringpost to work Rhyno's ribs. Choke against the ropes. Rhyno tries to come back and gets in a flying clothesline. Powerslam for 2. Back suplex for 2. Rhyno goes for the Gore, but runs into the big boot. Spear by Edge (which is basically the same thing as the Gore. Neat, huh?), and he decides he wants the submission to the figure-four Edgelock at 3:33. Edge grabs the mic postmatch and says that even though he's in the Rumble, he'd be even happier had Shawn Michaels' superkick not cost him the World Title, so he wants HBK right now, and he ain't leaving until he gets him. COMMERCIAL BREAK One minor complaint about these qualifying matches, even though I love the idea in theory: Are there enough members of the Raw roster to do 13 more qualifying matches? Odds are they'll simply award ten spots for no apparent reason. And sit-in angles suck! Just had to bring that up. Segment 6 Edge is still waiting and saying "Hey, we're back from break, so get your precious TV time, you selfish son of a bitch." Loosely paraphrased, of course. And now he's explaining every way he's been screwed over since Taboo Tuesday. Damn, and Bret Hart thought he had it bad. How did HBK screw him in that triple threat match on November 29, exactly? Well, maybe he'll tell us, because Shawn Michaels is headed to the ring. Edge wants to know Shawn's problem with him? He acts like the world should revolve around him. And Shawn used to think the same thing, and we get some "You screwed Bret" chants. HBK: "You've got some fellow Canadians. What is it with you folks coming down here? Stay in your own country!" Piss off half the fan base, nice. Anyway, Edge will get a fair amount of success if he stays down this road, but if he looks to the future, he'll succeed. "Stop talking and take action." Win the Royal Rumble...twice. Then go to WrestleMania and earn the World Title. But Edge doesn't give head to get ahead like Shawn did. I don't think so, anyway. Edge admits that maybe he needs to slap some sense into himself, but he likes the idea of punching HBK better. Shawn comes back, and they brawl until security breaks them up. COMMERCIAL BREAK Actually a pretty good segment if you cut the crap with the crowd out of it. Never mind the point of the segment is to put Edge over as a selfish prick who doesn't want to earn his spot, one of my favorites was screwed seven years ago, dammit. I've seen Yankee fans get over petty bullshit faster. But yes, a solid segment, with Michaels trying to give honest advice and Edge going "Eh, I prefer the easy way out." I think you can forget Michaels-Angle at WrestleMania though. Segment 7 Security has apparently done a pisspoor job, as the brawl briefly went outside the building before returning to the lobby. I hope nobody's in desperate need for a hot dog after that concession stand brawl. Simon Dean has made his way to the ring, and apparently it's infomercial time. Florida's known for warm weather, beautiful beaches, and ugly fat people. The beaches are filled with Floridians resembling beached whales. Are you sure that's not the tourists? But with the new Simon System Fat Burning Pills, that's gonna change. Now, obviously there aren't enough for everybody, but one lucky superstar in the back is going to get a free sample. Someone over 300 pounds who's known for wearing a mask. Bring out Rosey...nope, he said "freak", so bring out Kane. Kane wants the pills, and Simon reluctantly hands them to him. He chews them, but they apparently taste like crap, so Kane forces Simon to eat a handful before beating the snot out of him. Give Simon credit for bumping for Kane as if he invented the overselling bump. A Choke Slam would mercifully end the segment, but Gene Snitsky comes in with a chair to make the save. Simon tosses his weight belt to Snitsky, who uses it, and a bloody Kane has apparently "reinjured" the throat. All those legit injuries from last night, and they run an injury angle. Smart. COMMERCIAL BREAK Can't we end this feud already? We essentially killed off the Simon Dean character while continuing a feud that should have died three months ago all in one fell swoop. *sigh* Orton and Batista might have to single-handedly save this show. Segment 8 Thanks to the seven of you who ordered New Year's Revolution. Tonight, the number one contenders spot is on the line. Triple H is contemplating something, and Ric Flair tells him he thinks Batista believes Orton more than Hunter, so they've got to motivate Batista. So tell him that his record against Orton isn't stellar. Flair's all "What the hell" and Hunter's all "he responds better to negative reinforcement." Uh...yeah. One fall: Y2J+5 and Chris Benoit vs. Christian and Tyson Tomko Buy Fozzy's new CD next Tuesday. Please? We'll pay you! Jericho and Christian start. Lockup, stalemate. Christian with forearms to take an early advantage. Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho, but Christian fights him off. Jericho gets the edge and uses a boot choke. Enzuigiri. Delayed cover for 2. Tag to Benoit, who plows into Christian. Christian immediately sends Benoit into the corner, then targets Benoit's injured ribs. Benoit avoids the splash and hits a snap suplex. Tomko tags in, and his power is going to give him a huge advantage considering the injuries from the Elimination Chamber. Hard bodyslam. Benoit tries a comeback, but Christian pulls down the top rope, and Benoit takes a tumble to the floor. Christian then sends Benoit rib-first into the barricade before rolling him into the ring for a Tomko near fall. Corner elbows by Tomko. Powerslam, and Jericho makes the save at 2. Front facelock, and a tag to Christian, who focuses on the ribs. See a pattern forming here? Chinlock. Elbowsmash for 2. Boot choke. Tomko tags in and covers for 2. Neck vice. Reverse chinlock. A clothesline prevents a Benoit comeback. Benoit avoids the big boot and takes Tomko down with a release German suplex. Tag to Jericho, and he chops away at Tomko. Drop toehold into the ropes, then the squisher (tm Kevin Nash). Tomko comes back, but Jericho avoids a corner charge, hits the bulldog, but misses the Lionsault. Cheap shot by Christian, huge slam by Tomko, and Benoit makes the save at 2. All four in the ring, and Benoit locks Christian in the Crippler Crossface as Jericho locks Tomko in the Walls of Jericho, and both heels tap out at 8:59. Technically it shouldn't count since all four men are in the ring, but what the hell, right? Flair informs Triple H that his motivational speech didn't go well, as Batista was ready to take his head off. He even questions if they're really supporting Batista tonight. Hunter's tired of the questions since Evolution is a team and stuff. And Hunter's going to prove he supports Batista tonight. The SmackDown Rebound makes a rare appearance, conveniently when Paul Heyman is more or less written out of the show. The lingerie pillow fight is next. COMMERCIAL BREAK Normally this would be the time where I'd say "About time we got a halfway decent match", but I'd be lying. OK, I liked the fact that Jericho and Benoit showed some continuity by selling their injuries from last night. The problem is it really limited exactly what they could do out there, so the match fell squarely onto the shoulders of Christian and a still very green Tomko. The result wasn't pretty. Segment 9 Lingerie Pillow Fight with special referee Candace Michelle (Buchelle, whatever the fuck her last name is): Christy Hemme vs. Maria I refuse to provide commentary on this garbage. Maria gets Lilian Garcia involved, and they hit each other with pillows and stuff before Christy pins Maria in 1:08. Batista is on his way to the ring for the main event. COMMERCIAL BREAK What the fuck does that have to with wrestling? Absolutely nothing. There was a pinfall and a ring, and other than that, I've seen more erotic pillow fights on Cinemax when I can't sleep at night. Segment 10 Vignette for "The Masterpiece" Chris Masters. Why not just keep Mark Jindrak as the "Reflection of Perfection"? Next week, "in the spirit of competition" (and because we're in Canada), Chris Benoit vs. Chris Jericho. Oh, and Kane vs. Gene Snitsky too. Never mind the match we have scheduled, Triple H and Ric Flair need to sit at ringside anyway. Top Contenders Match: Batista vs. Randy Orton Lilian announces this as a "number one contenders match for the World Heavyweight Championship". It sounds like they vacated the title again, doesn't it? And why does this show look eerily like the August 26, 2002 and September 2, 2002 episodes of Raw? Oh yeah, we've got a match. Lockup, Orton with a side headlock, and Batista throws him off and takes him down with a shoulderblock. Orton with punches, but thrown into the corner, only to get a boot in on Batista. More punches, but Orton runs into a hard shoulderblock. Punches to the midsection by Batista. Choke against the ropes. Knee choke. Orton coming back with, you guessed it, punches, but he runs into a Batista elbow. Orton ducks a clothesline and dropkicks Batista out of the ring. COMMERCIAL BREAK I'm impressed! Orton broke up the monotony of the punches with a dropkick! When the 318-pounder is the one showing the most varied moveset, you're in for a long night. Segment 11 Orton with the ten punch countalong, Batista tries the inverted atomic drop, but Orton blocks it and knocks Batista out of the ring. Orton follows, and that enables Batista to finally turn the tide of the battle. Back in the ring, and a quick cover for 2. A series of punches by Batista. Knees. Choke against the ropes. More knees. Boot choke. Orton with the brief comeback, but a knee stops it, and Batista sends Orton shoulderfirst into the ringpost. Boot choke against the post. Boot choke over the apron. Hey, Dave, I think you missed a variation of the boot choke! Out of the ring, and Batista with a series of guillotine elbows. Back into the ring, and Batista gets a reverse neckbreaker for 2. Reverse chinlock. Orton reaches the ropes to force the break, and that angers Batista for him to pound away at Orton. Boot choke. Powerslam for 2. Hunter complains to Earl Hebner about the count. Orton tries another punching comeback, but Batista takes him down with a hard spinebuster that brings the crowd to their feet. Orton counters the Batista Bomb with punches, then takes Batista down with the DDT. Drop toehold into the corner. More freaking punches. Orton tosses Hebner aside when he tries to break, and Flair to the apron for the distraction. Orton goes for him, then takes Batista down with the inverted backbreaker. Flair continues to distract the referee as Orton signals for the RKO, but Batista throws Orton to the mat when Orton goes for it. Triple H has a chair, and he wants Orton sent into it. Batista doesn't want to be disqualified for using it, so Orton is able to knock Batista into it from behind and get the pin at 14:37. Uh oh. Batista wakes up, and he looks absolutely pissed at Triple H. END OF SHOW OK, seriously, if you take a look at the offense of both men in this match, it's Batista who comes off as the more polished of the two. And honestly, even if you're trying to turn Batista into a superstar, I'm not sure that's what you're looking for. The story of the match is fine, with Triple H appearing to be on Batista's side but actually causing more harm than good in the long run. On a whole, a decent TV main event and the best match of the night, but that's not saying a whole hell of a lot tonight. Overall, I honestly can't decide if I'm so tired because I'm actually tired, because I've been sick lately, or because this show wasn't good enough to hold my interest. The true answer is likely a combination of all three. OK, there was some decent storyline development as the buildup to WrestleMania continues, but there was hardly a standout match, and I honestly can barely remember anything significant about this show, and I just finished watching it. Take a pass if you've got the benefit of tape delay. Feedback to the usual. © Copyright by TheSmartMarks.com |