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Wrestling
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TNA
The Royal Treatment: Smackdown (1.6.05)
Posted by Peter Kostka on Jan 7, 2005, 16:17
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Previously recorded at the Mohegan Sun Casino in Connecticut.
Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio
Joy is the timekeeper tonight, as that has become the newest way to get these gals on TV, it seems. Rey brings down a handheld camera called the �619 Cam�, and it looks like Rey hasn�t quite figured out how the focus works yet. Eddie works the arm to start, but Rey fights out with a headscissors and gets a sunset flip for 2. He tries a hurricanrana, but Eddie falls backwards, sending Rey on his face and goes back to the arm, using headstands and bridges to put pressure on it. Rey gets to the rope and tries to rally, but Eddie catches him off a springboard and hangs him in the Tree of Woe and stomps away, showing some Latino RAGE~!, but he crotches himself on the post attempting a low dropkick, and we take a break.
Quick Thoughts: A slower start for a match involving these two than you�d expect.
Rey is in control with an armbar as we return (we see that he went to the air during the break. Why not take a commercial after THAT instead of coming back to a resthold in an already dull match?) Eddie breaks free and slaps on a sleeper, but Rey pushes off and gets one of his own (geez, come on!) Rey jumps on his back for leverage, so Eddie spins him to the mat and gets a 2 count. Eddie tries a powerbomb, but Rey escapes and dropkicks Eddie into position, but Eddie avoids the 619 and suckers Rey into a Bronco Buster attempt so he can boot him in the crotch to take control. Rey reverses a whip and puts Eddie on top, but he holds the rope on a hurricanrana attempt and tries a flying sunset flip, but Rey rolls through and dropkicks him in the face for 2. Rey charges, but Eddie sidesteps and the ref gets creamed. Eddie uses the opportunity to do what he does best and grabs Rey�s tag belt, laying it on Rey and pretending to be coldcocked, but Rey turns the tables and gives it to Eddie while he revives the ref and plays tattletale. Eddie lies facedown on the belt to hide it as referee Brian Hebner gets inquisitive and tries to toss it to the outside, but he�s caught. The crowd is really enjoying this. He pleads his case while Rey laughs. The ref goes to put the belt back and Eddie drapes himself on the middle rope in despair, so Rey tries a 619 again, but Eddie avoids and gets a small package, but Rey counters and gets the pin. Eddie isn�t pleased, but shakes Rey�s hand anyway.
Rating: 5/10
Thoughts: Much too slow and dull for most of the match (considering who was in the ring here), but they finally started to pick it up towards the end, with a pretty fun finish as Eddie gets a taste of his own cheating ways. Haven�t had a 17 minute opener on SD for a while, I think.
- Heidenreich laments having to deal with a casket match at the Rumble, but Paul Heyman promises that he will get the GM to change it.
- Tonight: Kezno Suzuki challenges John Cena to a Battle Rap. Dear lord��..
- Carlito comes down to the announce position and states that he isn�t there for commentary, but to announce that he has a petition to get GM Theodore Long out of office. He heads off to get signatures as we get our next match.
Funaki � vs. Akio (Cruiserweight title match)
This match is essentially ignored so we can see Carlito asking the camera crew and photographers to sign his petition. Funaki gets a 2 count off a headscissors, and Carlito tries to get referee Charles Robinson to sign. Akio takes control for a bit and gets an enziguri for 2. Funaki gets a bulldog and goes up, but Akio kicks him out of the air and whiffs on a corkscrew moonsault attempt, leading to Funaki hitting a tornado DDT off the top for the pin. Carlito asks Joy to sign, but she refuses and gets an apple shower.
- Heyman pleads Heidenreich�s case to the General Playah. Heidenreich�s expressions as Heyman describes what it�s like to be in a casket are pretty funny. Long gives him an opportunity to choose a new stipulation, but only if he beats Undertaker in a handicap match. Heyman is happy, only to hear that he is Heidenreich�s partner. I don�t want to type �Heidenreich�s� anymore.
- Kurt Angle gives the cops their instructions for the Invitational, and Amy Weber approaches, wanting to talk to Angle about opportunities after the Rumble. Angle thinks that they should get further acquainted, so Amy tells him to meet her in her private locker room after his match.
- It�s time again for the Kurt Angle Invitational. Since they are in a casino tonight, Angle is in a gambling mood, so he says that if he can�t make his opponent tap or pin him in less than three minutes, he�ll hand over his gold medal personally.
Kurt Angle vs. Brian Black
Black looks like a mini-Brock Lesnar. He�s from just �Connecticut.� They don�t even remember what town they are in tonight? Angle cracks him with the microphone and wins with the Anglelock :26 in.
Rating: DUD
Thoughts: I STILL have absolutely no clue where they are going with this. The guys he destroys aren�t getting anything out of it, the crowd doesn�t seem to care much, and are seeing right through these �hometown� guys, and we already KNOW Angle is a good amateur wrestler. At least it�s only about 3 minutes wasted every week.
- Daniel Puder introduces himself to Miss Jackie and Torrie Wilson, and brings up Jackie cheating on her boyfriend on Tough Enough and how Charlie Haas dumped her ass a few weeks ago. The women walk off in disgust and Puder states �Women. They�re just after my money.� Get this boy some promo lessons, STAT!!
- Michael Cole is in the ring and introduces the participants for the battle rap. Kenzo is dressed like Uncle Sam, and Cena gives a kid his Red Sox jersey for the kid�s �Chain Gang� sign. I reiterate: that new US title is hideous. Cole announces that Cena will defend the title against Kenzo next week. Kenzo raps about his love for America, and Cena falls back on his usual material (gay jokes) while making suggestive comments about Hiroko. �I don't do make up girl, but I'll help you with the white face.� Cena can get away with that but they can�t say �ass�? Kenzo says��something (I can�t understand a goddamn word this guy�s saying) and gives the mic to Hiroko, who sings Beyonce. Mommy, make it stop. Cena rips off the Godfather and brings out three �Divas�, which Kenzo likes and tries to hit on them, but that angers Hiroko and she jumps on Michelle while Kenzo beats down Cena, but Cena rallies and sends Kenzo out.
Thoughts: Wow, it only took WWE 24 hours to come up with something worse than the �debate� on RAW. That�s gotta be some sort of record even for THESE guys. So��I�m supposed to care for this title match more now? What ever happened to �Hey, I want your title.� �Oh yeah? Come get it.�?
- Next week there will be a fatal four-way for the tag titles.
RVD (w/Rey) vs. Doug Basham (w/Danny Basham and Orlando Jordan)
RVD controls on Doug to start, sending Doug to the outside where he gets into it with Rey, so referee Nick Patrick tosses Rey. RVD hits a moonsault on the outside and gets 2 back in. Doug sends RVD back out and Danny distracts him so Doug can take control and get a surfboard back in. He whips RVD hard into the corner, and goes up, but eats boot and RVD scores with a kick for 2. RVD controls, hitting Rolling Thunder and goes up, but Danny grabs his leg while Orlando gives Doug a small pipe. RVD kicks Doug down, revealing the pipe and allowing the Bashams to switch while the ref yells at Orlando. Danny hits RVD with a sitout powerbomb for the pin.
Rating: 1/10
Thoughts: Um�.nothing really to say here, move along folks.
- Angle approaches Amy�s dressing room (the large sign on the door with her name on it is a dead giveaway) and goes in, but not before removing his wedding ring.
- Angle waits, and his Olympic hearing tells him someone is in the shower. So of course, the logical thing to do is sneak in there, strip to his tiny, disturbing undies, rub his nipples, and wait until the person is DONE with the shower and grabs a towel (how considerate) before flinging the curtain open. Buh, that�s not Amy, its JOY!! *Insert Price is Right losing music here* Joy screams, Angle screams, Joy screams and runs out of the room in nothing but a towel. Angle at least hikes up his pants before he goes after her and tries to apologize, but she runs to The Big Show. Angle tries to explain everything to him (�This is not what it seems.� *Zips fly*), but Show just wants to lay down a whoopin� and chases Angle to the ring, where said whoopin� is laid down. There�s even leftovers for Mark Jindrak and Luther Reigns when they get involved. Cole and Tazz ask about 40 times why Joy was in Amy�s locker room. Ah, the sledgehammer of plot, how I missed thee.
- In case you haven�t watched any sitcom ever, here�s what you missed.
- JBL walks with Amy and Orlando. He enjoyed watching Show and Angle pound on each other. They approach Amy�s locker room and reveal that it�s actually Joy�s and laugh.
Thoughts: So WWE is ripping off bad routines from sitcoms. So when is the Smackdown where they end up stranded in Hawaii and Rey almost drowns in a surfing contest, but they all end up singing with the Beach Boys at the end? I�m not sure if this is worse than the battle rap or the debate, so we�ll split the difference and just call all three horrible.
- RAW Rebound
- Heidenreich punches a wall to prepare for his match. Heyman is 1000% behind him, yes siree.
Heidenreich and Paul Heyman vs. Undertaker (Handicap match)
Tazz: �This match should be just as good as Eddie/Rey.� I�..oh, forget it. I�ll let the quote stand on its own. They trade headlocks to start and Taker gets a hiptoss, but Heidenreich blocks Old School and slams him for 2. He hits the chinlock and Taker rallies, but Reich boots him down and gets a couple of two counts with some weak-ass covers. Taker gets a flying clothesline and Snake Eyes before hitting Old School. He calls for the druids to bring down two caskets and Reich freaks out, leaving Heyman alone to get Tombstoned and rolled into a casket to apparently end the match.
Rating: DUD
Thoughts: Is ANYONE ever booked strong leading up to these matches EXCEPT Undertaker? I know this is his specialty, but we all know that Heidenreich is done. Either that, or we�ll have a rehash of the �94 Rumble casket match, and I know that no-one wants that.
Final Thoughts: Good opener, but it was all downhill afterwards. The writing team continues to outright and unapologetically blow, and still remains FAR behind RAW in terms of quality. On RAW, Batista is fast rising to stardom due to very good booking. On SD? Cheap plot devices are used to build up a match for the top title on the show!!! Incredible.
See you for next week�s fun.
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