 |
|
Home
Wrestling
WWE
TNA
Tape Reviews
Other
Sports
Basketball
Football
Baseball
Hockey
International
Entertainment
Movies / TV
Music
Gaming
Technology
Books / Comics
" The Gravel Pit "
|
|
|
|
Wrestling
>
TNA
All-Canadian Velocity Recap, July 5, 2003
Posted by Chris Oster on Jul 6, 2003, 20:58
|
|
WWE VELOCITY
AIRDATE: July 5, 2003
ANNOUNCERS: Josh Matthews, Ernest "The Cat" Miller
Hi everyone, and welcome at last to your Velocity recap! Since this is my first recap of any sort, there's a little inevitable administration to take care of, so please be patient.
A little about me...I'm a 28-year-old single Canadian male, who started watching wrestling in the mid-80s, grew up on the WWF, Stampede and the AWA, discovered the NWA through Apter mags, and started watching WCW when it became available here in Canada in 1990. I have a particular affinity for Canadian wrestlers, especially Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho (which is actually how I coined my TSM forum name...that and the fact it describes me as well). Sound like any other wrestling recappers you know? OK, I don't have a book deal, but I have a cushy government job, so I don't have to worry about silly little things like that. I also don't say BONZO GONZO.
Just so there's no confusion, I don't use star ratings. They're usually pretty pointless for a show like this anyway, because I don't expect there to be any four-star classics on Velocity anytime soon. Instead, I use the point system. Basically, I rate each segment of the show according to whether or not it entertained me. If it did, it gets a point; if not, zero. I keep a running total as we go along.
With that, on with the show...
MATCH 1: Jamie Noble (w/Nidia) vs. Spanky
And Josh wastes no time in getting to the overriding theme of tonight's show...Vince
McMahon's vendetta against Zach Gowan. Memo to Vince: You have your own show. Your show is SMACKDOWN. This is my show, and I'd really appreciate it if you'd stick to your own show and leave me alone. (Yeah, right.) (Shut up.) Josh then refers to Noble as Jamie BY GOD Noble, leaving no doubt as to his announcing role model. Couldn't listen to Gordon Solie, noooooo.
Nidia waves at Spanky with her new fur coat, and that distracts him enough for Noble to attack before the bell. Right hands from Noble, and Spanky gets sent to the buckle, then whipped out into a short-arm clothesline. Josh notes Nidid's new bling-bling (yes, he actually said it), then explains to Cat just what bling-bling is. I think even I could say that and come off cooler than Matthews did. Noble misses a clothesline, and Spanky comes back with some forearm shots. He tries an Irish whip, but Noble hooks the top rope, so Spanky lays in some kicks to the...hamstring. Gotta say, don't quite understand that psychology. Noble reverses the Irish whip with an arm wringer, but gets kicked in the face. Yeah, that'll work. Big "Spanky" chant. Forearm to the back, Noble reverses an Irish whip, but this time it's Spanky who hooks the rope, and back body drops a charging Noble to the outside. Noble hangs on, though, but his attempted shoulderblock-sunset flip combo is stopped when he meets Spanky's knee on the shoulderblock attempt. Ouch. Spanky with a plancha on Noble on the floor. Crowd liked that; Nidia most definitely did not. Spanky sends Noble in, but his attempt at...whatever off the top gets reversed nicely into a Fujiwara armbar by Noble as he takes over. He stomps the shoulder, then wraps the arm around the top rope, and nails the Best Dropkick In The Business (sorry, Maven) in the corner. Takedown, and Noble continues on the shoulder by whipping the left arm into the mat a couple of times, followed by a VICIOUS kick to the shoulder. Josh tries to scold Cat into doing more commentary. Personally, I'd like Cat to scold Josh into doing LESS commentary.
Armbar torquing on the head by Noble. Spanky gets to his feet, and tries to forearm his way out, but Noble kicks at his arm then knees him in the gut to reestablish control. Noble tries the whip to the corner, but Spanky puts on the brakes and nails Noble coming in. Blind cross-corner charge meets the point of Noble's elbow, though. Noble gets a head-scissors while laying on the top turnbuckle, and keeps it (and grabs another armbar) even after Spanky powerbombs him down! Now that's dedication to your craft. Kicks to the back by Spanky get the break, but the arm is HURT. Spanky hits the ropes, but gets tripped and faceplanted by Nidia. Armbar takedown by Noble gets 2. Reverse armbar on the mat now by Noble as the crowd chants for Spanky again. And he doesn't disappoint, nailing a Samoan drop on Noble. Arm-wringer by Noble, but Spanky gets ALL of an enzuigiri and Noble crumples to the mat. Spanky stacks him up for 2. Sliced Bread #2 attempt, countered into a clothesline attempt by Noble, countered into a spinning heel kick by Spanky. Spanky hits a Shining Wizard for 2 3/4. Cross-corner whip revered by Noble into a German suplex attempt, but Spanky flips through and hits a rana, but Noble rolls through for 2. Now THIS is some quality professional wrestling. Spanky misses a clothesline, and Noble hits Paydirt (heh...underhook DDT), and transitions immediately into a sitting judo choke-type move, which makes Spanky tap at 5:46. I swear, I could watch three different Noble matches, and he'd never use the same move twice. Give these guys five minutes plus every week and watch me smile.
Still to come: Zach and Steph fight Big Show, while I raid the fridge. Plus, Matt Hardy vs. Shannon Moore. Anyone else think Cat was reading that promo line? Nahhh.
1 for 1.
Commercials.
Recap of the finish of the tag title match on SmackDown, and the subsequent beatdown of Tajiri by Eddy Guerrero. You don't know what happened? Check here. All I will say is...Charlie Haas' facial hair? BAD. Recap segments don't normally get a point, but I like everyone involved in this one, and the wrestling (what there was of it) was good. 2 for 2.
More commercials.
MATCH 2: Sean O'Haire vs. Funaki (SmackDown NUMBAH ONE! announcer)
Hmmm, small clash of styles here. Anyone wondering where HHH's lavendar tights went? Well, WONDER NO MORE, as apparently he gave them to O'Haire, and they look just as butch on him as they did on Trip. O'Haire ducks out of the lockup, and grabs Funaki by the hair going by. Funaki then grabs a wristlock, but O'Haire reverses into one of his own. Funaki then goes behind and gets a waistlock, but O'Haire easily breaks that. I must point out that O'Haire has a "I'm not even going to break a sweat against this guy" look on his face for this entire sequence. Funaki, perhaps sensing this, goes to the eyes, but apparently either his aim was off, or O'Haire's wearing super-protective lenses, because that just pissed him off. Charge misses, though, and Funaki hits a dropkick in the corner, and a hiptoss sends O'Haire out to regroup. Back in, and Funaki hits a sliding dropkick for 1. Off the ropes, and -- OH GOD! Spinning knee to the face puts Funaki down for 2. Cross-corner whip, then a scoop and a press slam by O'Haire. O'Haire then slides across the ring, and Funaki tries to kick him mid-taunt. IMPUDENT WRETCH! O'Haire, clearly annoyed, kicks him in the chest. Man, those kicks are mighty hard. Funaki rolls out, but O'Haire tosses him back in and taunts him some more. Maybe he's really French. Irish whip, but O'Haire puts his head down (cardinal mistake, you know) and gets a kick from Funaki. Unfortunately, not only did the kick not put O'Haire down, he looks only mildly irritated rather than in pain. Funaki dropkick is brushed aside by O'Haire (not sure if that was the plan) and O'Haire covers for 2. Knees to the gut, then O'Haire beals Funaki out of the corner by the hair. Wristlock by O'Haire, and another HEINOUS kick to the gut. Commentators are talking about the US title, and Josh tries to act all knowledgeable and stuff by pointing out that Harley Race was the first US champ, and Ricky Steamboat also held the title. Unfortunately, I can hear the chorus of "Who?" coming out of living rooms across North America from here. Takedown, and ANOTHER kick, this time to the back of the neck, gets two. They hit the chinlock. What has O'Haire been doing that he needs to rest from? Funaki fights out, but O'Haire elbows him in the back of the head. Shove to the corner, and O'Haire gets Funaki in powerslam position, but Funaki slides off the back and sends O'Haire (rather weakly) into the corner. Funaki hits an enzuigiri, though, and a bulldog gets 2 and a kickout WITH AUTHORITY. Funaki tries a flying body press, but O'Haire catches him. Funaki, though, turns it into a tornado DDT for 2. (At first glance, I SWEAR that spot looked like a spinning Rock Bottom from O'Haire.) Commentators talk about Benoit and Shaniqua. I try desperately to tune them out. Funaki off the rope, and he runs into a right hand, and finishes with the fireman's carry slam (dubbed the Widowmaker) at 4:06. No truth to the rumour that creative is planning to team O'Haire with Barry Windham. This was decent enough.
Still to come: Yes, I know, Big Show vs. Steph and Z. Steph is scared, Vince is uncaring. WE GOT IT. Do we have to see all the stuff leading up to it? Who in their right mind would think that anyone would watch Velocity but not SmackDown? And what possessed Vince to wear that HIDEOUS shirt?
3 for 3, although Still To Come tried hard to change my mind.
Commercials.
WrestleMania XX Recall: Jake "The Snake" Roberts (with Alice Cooper) gets beat by the Honky Tonk Man at WrestleMania III (about 3 weeks before HTM beat Steamboat for the IC title), then Jake and Alice (and Damian) get their revenge on Jimmy Hart afterward.
MATCH 3: "Who Betta Than" Kanyon vs. Mike Bell, The World's Oldest Jobber
YES!!! Lockup, and Kanyon breaks clean off the ropes. Almost. Right hand, then a forearm to the back of the head. Irish whip by Kanyon, and a hiptoss is reversed by Bell into one of his own. Hey, the guy's been jobbing for over a decade, at least give him something. Kanyon kicks Bell off, but misses a clothesline, and Bell connects with a double back elbow. POWERSLAM by Bell into 2, as Josh runs down Bell. OK, he runs down Bell's history. Kick by Kanyon into a wristlock reversal sequence, and Kanyon hits the ropes to break. Smart wrestling there, good presence of mind. Test of strength, but Kanyon boots Bell in the gut. Sucker. Kanyon improvises a NICE jawbreaker type move, falling down and driving his leg and Bell's arms into his chin. Right hands in the corner, then Kanyon mounts Bell in the corner, grabs the back of his singlet and faceplants him using the added leverage for 2. Kanyon with stomps in the corner, wrapping Bell around the post, then baseball slides into Bell, driving his sternum even further into the post. More stomps get 2. Snapmare takeover, then a modified Bossman sitdown in the ring gets 2. They hit the chinlock, and Bell elbows free. Kanyon grabs a sleeper, but Bell quickly reverses to a belly-to-back suplex, and they're both down. Kanyon up first, and goes for a bulldog out of the corner, but Bell tosses him off. Irish whip and Bell hits a back body drop, followed by a clothesline. Kanyon catches a savate kick, but Bell reverses into a NICE reverse enzuigiri! Scoop by Bell into a fallaway slam with bridge for 2. (NOTE: The announcers actually gave this a name, but it's a well established fact that jobbers don't have finishers, so I can't call it here. Mike, if you're reading this...sorry about that.) Blind charge by Bell meets boot. Kanyon misses a clothesline, but catches Bell's clothesline attempt and hits the Flatliner for 3 at 4:34! Kanyon is SO happy about getting a victory that he hugs the referee and does an extended celebration. I would too, if I'd been through what he has.
Still to come: Three guesses. First 2 don't count.
4 for 4.
Commercials. I FINALLY get to see the baby.
Finally, Still To Come is Here. What, you think I'm reviewing this? I barely wanted to watch it the first time though. Go here if you want to relive this. I will say one thing...Zach running the ropes on one leg really ruined the illusion of that for me. Nice moonsault, though.
Signed for Vengeance: Brock Lesnar vs. Kurt Angle vs. Big Show, Undertaker vs. John Cena.
Up next: Matt Hardy vs. Shannon Moore.
4 for 5.
Commercials.
MATCH 4: Matt Hardy, Version 1.0 vs. Shannon Moore
Matt Facts: Matt is giving Shannon one last chance; Matt likes pepper better than salt. I
won't hold that against him. Shannon seems very reluctant to even come out for this match. Matt gets on the stick and says that this is Shannon's last chance to prove he has Mattitude. A few shoves and Moore won't fight. Pieface in the corner; still nothing. Matt even rips the V1 shirt off Moore's back and slaps him. A second slap is blocked by Moore and he comes out with rights. Matt turns the tide with a couple of forearms to the back. Whip to the corner, and a clothesline sends Shannon down HARD. Matt grabs a chinlock using the ropes for leverage, and hits the Bossman sitdown. Matt kicks Shannon around the ring like a dog. Back elbows in the corner by Hardy. Matt stops to chat with the ref, and Shannon seizes the opportunity with a kick to the gut and some more rights. Again, Matt stops the momentum with a forearm to the back. Irish whip, and Moore connects with a spinning heel kick! Shannon tries his own Irish whip but Matt reverses into a CRUSHING Side Effect. That move really works when he's working against smaller guys. Speaking of smaller guys, when Matt Hardy is billed as possessing a significant size and strength advantage against you (as was the case with Shannon on commentary here), you may want to work on your body slightly. Not turn yourself into HHH, but, you know. Matt grabs a chinlock in a Splash Mountain position, then spins around and hits a neckbreaker from that position. Yodelling legdrop from Matt, and the ARROGANT COVER~! gets 2. Slap from Matt, and right hands. Clothesline misses, though, and Moore gets in some forearms to the back. Hardy, though, picks him up and drives him hard into the buckle. Blind charge by Matt, but Shannon drop toeholds him onto the second turnbuckle! Shannon very slow to capitalize, but hits a flying necksnap off the second rope for 2. Cross-corner whip is reversed, but Shannon hits a crossbody for 2. Matt gets rammed to the buckle, and Shannon goes up for a tornado DDT, but gets tossed off. Matt tries for a Twist of Fate, but Moore flips through with a double leg hook for 2. Irish whip reversed, but Moore hangs onto the ropes, and Matt gets dumped (in the exact same spot we saw in the Noble/Spanky match). In a slight twist, though, instead of a plancha, Shannon hits the Halo and both men are down. Back in, Shannon gets a top-rope twisting rana for 2 9/10, and he can't believe it wasn't 3. Matt, though, rolls up Shannon for the pin at 5:28. Well, that wasn't very convincing for V1. Great wrestling, though. Matt shakes Shannon's hand after the match and seems impressed. Shannon isn't too convinced, though. 5 for 6.
THE LAST WORD: GREAT show to start things off. The original matches all ranged from acceptable (O'Haire/Funaki) to excellent (Noble/Spanky). My tryout show was slightly worse, but had more hosses. Think there may be a correlation? Only bad part about this show was the Zach Gowan stuff, but that's easy enough for me to zip through. But, I'm actually looking forward to seeing this again next week, so you're stuck with me for now.
Comments, flames, title suggestions, etc. welcomed. Until next week...
Chris Oster
[email protected]
| |
|
|
|
|
|
