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TNA
A Spoonful of Raw for July 14th, 2003
Posted by Patrick Spoon on Jul 15, 2003, 14:47
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WE�RE LOUD AND METAL-Y AND THIS SONG OWNS AND WE�RE IN INDIANAPOLIS!!! Conseco Fieldhouse? Is that still Market Square Arena, or did they change the name?
Chris Jericho is already in the ring for the Highlight Reel. He says that the WWE locker room is scared and Kane makes the guys question coming to the arena. Sounds like a WWE ticket buyer dilemma also. Jericho introduces as his guest the one man who can bring order back to Raw. Eric Bischoff! He�s got a neck brace on and sounds funny when he talks. Why do they put a neck brace on ANYONE who gets injured in wrestling? Honestly, if I was chokeslammed off a stage and through a table down to BAH GAWD HELL, I think I�d need more than a foam collar. Same goes for when one of the valets is hurt in their little serious moments. Woman is given finisher with an impact that affects her back or a submission hold that would hurt her legs, give her a fuckin� neck brace! WHOO! Anyways, Bischoff says he has more evidence of the Kane attacks last week that we didn�t see. Jericho says we need to go to the �OBSCENELY EXPENSIVE JERITON 5000~!� for the footage. Oh lord, Jericho is GAWD now. RVD is shown being thrown through a really REALLY fake wall (come on, it was built in the middle of a hallway) by Kane after doing some really shitty acting. Good job, Kane. Stone Cold interrupts the Highlight Reel after Bischoff says Kane won�t be here tonight because he�s in Connecticut being interviewed by JR. Austin gets cheesed, and says he plans on kicking Bischoff�s ass in lieu of Kane�s since he isn�t there. He relents after saying Bischoff is pathetic and not worth it. Jericho insults Austin as he leaves, and I think I�m liking where this is going, with Austin�s job being way too much for him to handle and the heels reminding him of it. Austin gets so mad about being reminded that he�s doing a bad job so far that he stuns Jericho. Great segment, but I don�t give two shits about sit-down interviews, and if Kane is so conflicted and troubled and insane, why the hell is he agreeing to sit down with JR, travel to the location to do so, and talk about it? Another little thing that bothered me: The Jericho/Michaels match next week, which is supposed to be a big deal, gets only a passing mention.
Trish Stratus, Kevin Nash & Scott Steiner w/ Stacy Keibler vs. Victoria, Steven Richards & Test: The faces all get their own entrances, but the heels all come out to Test�s music. CRIMINAL!!!! Did I mention that Nash�s career is pretty much over? Steiner wants Test, but Steven demands that Steiner fight him, so Steiner kills him. Victoria saves her man by tagging in as Steiner chases Test around the ring. So... Test is feuding with Nash AND Steiner right now? Trish tags in to take on Victoria... MATRIX DODGE~! Victoria and Test hit a 3-Dish stun gun on Trish. Test is tagged in, and is either getting crazy mad heat because the crowd is crazy mad hot tonight or those are piped in. I�m LOVING Test�s new character. He messes with Trish some before Victoria is tagged back in. A double knockdown with the ladies leads to Nash and Test hot tags, and Test runs like hell, hiding behind Victoria first. Nash is about to do some bad stuff to Victoria, but Steven saves her (damn straight) and gets Nash�s Four Moves to be destroyed and lose. Coach kept calling Nash �Big Nasty.� That made me smile.
Jericho and Bischoff are gossiping backstage about Austin, and I�m so glad that Jericho went back to his old school look while staying heel. Long hair and sunglasses suits him much better. They realize that beating up your own employees is against company policy... sooooo... why wasn�t McMahon in trouble all those times he and Austin would beat on each other?
We just HAVE TO HAVE a shot of the interview preparations at WWE studios. If this is the main event, I�m going to scream.
Lance Storm is reading a prepared statement threatening a class-action suit against the WWE fans for chanting boring, which gets boring chants. Maven�s music hits, but they continue, and we get... Lance Storm vs. Maven: I fall asleep and don�t wake up until 12 this afternoon. It was a pretty bad match from what I saw, with King and Coach actually saying how much it blew a few times.
We�re back at the studios in Stamford, and JR expresses his trepidation about doing the interview.
LA RESISTANCE AND THE FUCKING AWESOME COATS RETURN!!!! Okay, WWEShopzone.com NEEDS to sell those. It�s Bastille Day! �La Marseille� (I believe that�s how you spell it?) is in order! Sing, good gents, sing! A commercial cuts them off, and they�re still singing when we return. The Dudleys (yes, all three of them for once) come out for some Xenophobic fun and beat up the tag champions while saying that the American National Anthem should be played. There�s some weird six-man elimination match next. Ummm... why? HHH is still the World Heavyweight Champion, the wrestler who is supposed to be who they build the show around, right? Oh yeah, I forgot, managerial intrigue is more fun.
Ric Flair, Randy Orton & Triple H vs. Buh-Buh Ray, D-Von & Spike Dudley: Buh-Buh and Flair start out , but Flair wants Spike. Smart man. Spike is backed into a corner and chopped, but slaps Flair in the face. FLAIR FLOP OFF OF A SPIKE DUDLEY SLAP!! I�m so happy to keep rewinding and watching it over and over again that I hardly notice Spike being eliminated (fast-forwarding for time constraints), and I stop the speeding tape in time to see HHH come in and hit D-Von with THE FRENCH FLAG so Randy Orton can pin him. So far we�ve had the best Flair Flop ever and a guy eliminated by a FRENCH FLAG. I�m laughing thinking about it as I write. Just to see HHH appear with a flag out of nowhere and nail D-Von with it... ahh... who says WWE has lost its touch and isn�t entertaining anymore? We go to commercial and return with Buh-Buh doing a great job of selling his leg (by usual WWE standards anyway) from a HHH chop block that went down during the break. No Figure Four though. Boo. I like how they�re making Evolution really look like a cohesive unit here, as they�re working perfectly in concert and filling all of their roles really well. After getting pounded down by Flair and Orton, Buh-Buh averts a Pedigree and another RKO, but gets dumped to the outside by Flair, where he decides to put HHH on a table and do something really dangerous. He goes to the top rope, with the idea being to come down on HHH, but Flair doesn�t subscribe to Buh-Buhnomics and shoves him off. HHH gets him with a Pedigree and has Orton cover Buh-Buh for the win. Watching Buh-Buh go down was like watching a pack of hyenas taking a wildebeest down or something.
Glamour Shots of Kane�s antics are shown. They got Rico�s bad side.
Bischoff and RVD are gossiping about Kane now, and RVD wants Kane in the ring so he can finish what he feels he started. Bischoff gives him the match. RVD says �stop that noise.� Okay, the shitty acting from earlier is forgiven, Rob.
NEXT WEEK: Michaels/Jericho! WHOO! RVD/Kane! BOO! If they�re serious about this Kane thing, they need to have him absolutely ass-rape RVD and not sell a thing.
Jericho is getting the locker room (all heels with the exception of Tommy Dreamer) to sign a petition getting Austin to resign. Yeah, like Austin would actually listen to a petition.
Theodore Long wants to HOLLA~! He agrees with the sentiment that Austin needs to be dumped, and says that a brother needs to replace him. Sadly, Teddy can�t do it himself because he�s 24-7 running PLAYAZ INCORPORATED~!! Oh, that was just great. He suggests Snoop Dogg replace Austin. I wholeheartedly endorse this idea. Bischoff would be forced to do all the work while Snoop just sits at a desk baked out of his mind with women all around him. Teddy�s other choices aren�t nearly as entertaining, but then again, who IS more entertaining that Snoop? Rosey�s music hits, and as Jeff Greenfield would say: �WRONG!!�
Rosey v. Rodney Mack: This is a result of the thrilling Rosey face turn last week. Poor Rosey, I�ve never seen a character thrown around so much in a span of four weeks. He loses too. Ouch. Post-match, The Hurricane appears and missile dropkicks Rodney Mack...? What? I was hoping he�d appear and talk about how both guys suck and Teddy should get his own daytime talk show.
Evolution signs the petition. They have shirts. THEY HAVE SHIRTS! Now then, what they need is a little button in the chest that plays their music so you can walk around and look menacing also.
Booker T vs. Christian, Intercontinental Title Match: I AM TIRED OF THIS MATCH. As such, you�re only getting to read about the finish. Now then, try and keep track of all of this. Christian wins with his feet on the ropes or a handful of tights or something, but a second referee disputes this ending, so Austin comes out and says the match must continue. It does, and Booker wins in like, two seconds. Christian is pissed and kicks the shit out of the referee, so Austin comes back and beats Christian down. Get it? Got it? Care? Good. Please WWE, in the name of all that is holy, don�t give me Booker against Christian again for a good six months.
In the back, Bischoff gets a call from Linda McMahon, and says that all he�s wearing is a leather jacket and a neck brace. Bischoff SELLS THE NECK as he removes the jacket and whacks off while talking dirty with Linda!
Meanwhile, in reality...
Aww, how cute. Kane brought JR an interview-warming present!
Gail Kim vs. Molly Holly, Women�s Championship Match: This is the de facto main event, which is good because it�s the women wrestling in it, but bad because it means that fucking interview is last up. I�m really trying to see more in Gail than that armdrag and the different hurricanranas, but she�s like an Asian Lita. She wins after, well, a hurricanrana pin.
Meanwhile, in Stamford, JR and Kane are gabbing before the interview and Kane has JR open his gift. JR is a little slow, so he asks what it is, despite it being a canister clearly labeled GASOLINE. Kane is going to set JR on fire if things go badly during this interview.
Okay, NOW shit gets stupid.
First off, JR says that he isn�t here to make fun of Kane, and even shows him the video package from earlier tonight with the WARPED PICTURES OF KANE to make his point. Honestly, that isn�t going to win you any points with him. JR tells Kane that he looks perfectly normal without his mask or towel on. Seems that Kane healed long ago, but is out of his gourd and thinks he still looks hideous. Quick tip, Kane: Stop shaving your entire face. It�ll help you in the �not looking hideous� department. This is actually getting quite good... but as soon as I say this, Kane gets all freaky on us and starts a-trippin�. He gets all up in JR�s grill... wait a second. I just realizes something. Does JR even HAVE a grill? I�ve never seen the man�s teeth. Kane says that the only way that JR can understand his pain is to experience it, and now Austin comes out to the ring, 600 miles away. This actually stops Kane from doing something. Austin tries to tell Kane the same thing that the faces have been telling him for weeks now, that they just want to help and that he shouldn�t be so ashamed. Kane decides that Austin is still wrong, and decides to set JR on fire. Remember all the good will I had for this whole storyline? Just about everything psychologically interesting or suspenseful about this whole thing was lost the moment he started pouring gas on JR. The constantly changing camera angles (and using angles that weren�t present during the two-camera interview) didn�t help the believability of it either. So Kane gets some matches out of his ass or something, and JR is now a barbeque. Instead of getting up and running around, which might have saved this segment (a running man on fire will save ANY segment), he just lies in place screaming �AAAAAAAAWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! HELP ME!!!!! I�M ON BAH GAWD FIRE IN THE FLAMES OF HELL AND FIRE AND BRIMSTONE AND THE BIG RED MACHINE IS GONNA EAT ME LIKE A BIG OL� PORKCHOP WITH MAH BARBEQUE SAUCE AND I HOPE HE HAS A STRONG STOMACH BECAUSE I CAN CAUSE SOME VILE HEARTBURN AND MAKE HIS SOUL BURN FROM WITHIN HIS HEARTLESS CARCASS!!!!� Kane beats up a few of the crewmen at the interview and just kinda leaves after the remaining crew puts JR out and shoves an apple in his mouth.
Meanwhile, 600 miles away, Bischoff accosts Austin about this, and says that it was Austin who set JR on fire just now. That WWE production crew, what awesome effects CAN�T they come up with? Wait, it was metaphorical, nevermind. Bischoff tells Austin that Linda is coming to Raw next week to fire him. I just realized that Austin doesn�t have eyebrows either. Maybe Bischoff was right about him doing the OKLAHOMAN ARSON~, and that�s the show.
Okay, I really had a great feeling about the Kane thing until the matches came into play. I can only imagine what burnt JR smells like. Hope they cut the fat off of him before they serve. Next week�s show sounds like they�re trying to make it special, with two big announced matches and Austin�s firing. PLEASE give Jericho/Michaels the main event slot and let them go for a half hour again.
Send my non-punctual ass feedback!
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