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Wrestling
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TNA
A Spoonful of Raw for June 21st, 2003
Posted by Patrick Spoon on Jul 22, 2003, 12:10
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This week�s moral in The Life of Spoon: Women are evil. Run away from them, run so far away. Just run. Run all night and day. You�ll never get away. Ah, A Flock of Seagulls solves all problems... not really. Seriously, never believe a girl who tells you all the most wonderful things about yourself, nor should you believe her even if she fools around with you. Seriously. I recommend seeking out the song �I Want a Rich Young Dumb Nymphomaniac� to everyone.
WE�RE LIVE AND LOUD AND METAL-Y AND THIS SONG RULES AND DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTA IN LOS ANGELES!!!!!
Eric Bischoff is already in the ring, and pimping a nice suit. I shall call him Mini-Vince. He introduces Linda McMahon, who has dropped the Wrestlemania X theme and now goes with possibly the coolest music on the roster, a thumping little dance number. She says she isn�t here to fire Austin. Um, kay. Kane�s under house arrest, and will compete tonight when police escort him from his house to the arena. I wonder what Kane�s house looks like. I�m guessing he killed anyone who brought him housewarming presents. Steve Austin comes out to defend his choices as a Co-GM. JR doesn�t want to press charges, probably because a trial would involve showing that embarrassing footage of him screaming �BAAAAAAHHHH!!! BAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!� Seriously, all he was doing was yelling prolonged �Bah�s, as in �Bah Gawd.� So anyways, Linda was here to address Austin beating the crap out of his employees, and tells him he can�t do it unless he is physically provoked. Eric tries to provoke him, and both men end up getting the night off. Austin and Eric squibble a bit, and that�s the opening segment. Astute viewers will see Bischoff clearly slipping his room key to Linda.
Molly Holly & Victoria v. Gail Kim & Trish Stratus: VICTORIA GETS HER OWN ENTRANCE!! As an added bonus, she�s looking better every week. The Coach and King ignore the match and are concerned about JR�s condition. I try to enjoy the actual wrestling until Gail Kim messes up a couple of moves and the ropewalk doesn�t look too graceful at all. Man, looks like this whole match was thrown off by those mess-ups, as Trish�s top rope handstandarana thing takes a while to mature. Molly gets the pin after Trish accidentally nails Gail with a kick. There�s your big SummerSlam women�s feud, I suppose.
Chris Jericho still looks OLD SCHOOL~ and sings about being in Hollywood, but alters the words to say Hooray for Jericho. Damn straight. He walks into Austin as he walks away from Terri, who then runs into Bischoff, who is standing exactly where Terri was, who has completely vanished. Soo... which is real, Bischoff or Terri? And more importantly, how were both onscreen at the same time a few weeks ago?
The correct answer is that there is no Bischoff.
FUCKING AWESOME MUSIC... the hell? Fuck, they added words to the Evolution theme. Randy Orton pimps himself as a legend killer, listing the Dudleys as legends he�s taken care of, since he pinned them all last week. Foley I completely understand calling a legend, but the Dudleys? We go to commercial, and return to...
NOTHING, because the COMPLETELY GODLIKE COMMERICIAL for Castrol High Mileage Motor Oil comes on! BONNEVILLE STATION WAGONS skidding across deserts! FESTIVAS dodging cones while holding an armchair! AEROSTAR GETS BIG AIR!!! FUCK YEAH! We need more commercials like this. I rewind it over and over again just to make a loud engine noise when the Aerostar flies, followed by the sounds of tires screeching to the ground.
We�re back for real now, and it�s time for Randy Orton v. Val Venis: This match is only notable because HHH was KILLING on commentary. I mean, I�m sure there was wrestling going on, and I saw something along the lines of Val working on an arm, but Orton wins with the RKO. HHH gets on the microphone and says what we already know about their little group, but Goldberg comes out to say hi. Oh, and HHH is next. I�d be remiss if I didn�t note how the crowd popped for Goldberg and the idea of him being the next challenger. Their SummerSlam match could be HUGE if they build it properly, with the focal point being that HHH has been champ for virtually a year by then and Goldberg is finally there to slay the unstoppable champion and have his own run as a one man wrecking crew.
The LEGION OF DOOM~! is in the back plotting. HHH is kinda cheesed about Goldberg interrupting them, as is Orton, but he says that he has a plan. Synastro offers HHH the use of a yellow sledgehammer. Man, Green Lantern�s gonna be pissed. Oh, and Solomon Grundy tries to eat Ric Flair for some reason.
Chris Jericho v. Shawn Michaels: Got enough crosses there, Shawn? Geez, I understand what the deal is, but that�s a wee bit excessive. Lotsa headlocks and matwork. Nothing really interesting happens until Michaels foils a springboard bodypress and answers back with his own aerial antics. Ric Flair is out here. Michaels goes right after him for no real reason, and we take a commercial as Jericho has Michaels in the Walls of Jericho. Way to telegraph �THIS ISN�T THE END OF THE MATCH!� We return with Jericho chinlocking Michaels, who fights back. Michaels returns to the inside and beats on Jericho, but Jericho dumps him to the outside, where Flair CHEATS~ and chokes Michaels with his coat. Another slow patch, and it�s during these spots where I realize how bad Coach really is. Maybe he�ll evolve into a good commentator like Michael Cole did... but that took four years... argh. Michaels goes for his own Walls of Jericho, but says �ehh, screw it� and slingshots Jericho into the ringpost. A series of pinning combinations follow, and a Lionsault gets only two. They end up on the top rope where Michaels blocks a back suplex and drops the �OOH YEAH� (elbow from the top rope) for a two count. Sweet Chin Music misses, almost nails the ref, and Jericho gets Michaels right in the Trinity (because it�s two and the one... ah, you get it) while Earl Hebner cries in the corner about how close he was to getting biffed in the face, I guess. Jericho is frustrated, so he does the �I�m mad so I�m going to go grab a chair for NO GOOD REASON� thing that all heels do that pisses me the FUCK off when I see it. It makes NO SENSE, because the heel NEVER GETS TO USE THE CHAIR. Hebner is distracted again by a magical elf on his shoulder (does it really matter how the referee doesn�t see shit?) and Shawn kicks the chair into Jericho�s face. Both men down. Flair gets all huffy and pulls Hebner outside to argue with him so Randy Orton can hit an RKO on Michaels on the chair. I don�t give a shit about this, because Flair is SELLING THE REFEREE SHOVES. Michaels still kicks out after about a thirty second wait for the pin. Jericho gets the Walls again, and braces his head on a turnbuckle so Michaels can�t power out. Awesome. Michaels taps after fighting it for a long time. Good, that�s how it should have gone down at Wrestlemania (minus the interference, well, maybe Flair tap dancing and �whoo�ing). I was digging that match until the outside stuff started.
Lance Storm comes out to sell himself to all the talent agents in the crowd, and gives Rob Reiner a shout-out, because Lance and Hollywood bigwigs are mad hella tight, yo. None of this matters, because Lance is interrupted to show Kane being led into the arena in chains and escorted by about eight police officers. We�ve seen Kane break chains before, so why do they think they�ll stop him now? Because they�re STEEEEEEEEL, or made out of whatever they make the title belts out of. Those fuckers HURT.
Ivory and Terri visited our boys over in the Middle East, and Terri shows off a USA-themed swimsuit. Fuck that, give me Ivory. This whole little video bite reminded me of a porno we have for sale at work (I work at a video store, for those curious, and it�s a normal one that happens to have that nebulous �back room�). It�s called Weapons of Ass Destruction. Funniest porn title ever. Nothin� says lovin� like �THERMONUCLEAR ANAL!� No, it says that on the box. If only we could get Ivory AND Stephanie McMahon into these... ah yes. That would be good.
I need to start watching Smackdown that she�s actually onscreen a lot more now, but the whole Zack Gowen thing has me annoyed.
Booker T v. Test for the Intercontinental Championship: Nothing really happens because no one gives a crap about Test, but his jumping jacks and shit are really entertaining. Man, I love Booker, but I�m having a harder and harder time caring about him lately. Damn that feud with Christian. Steiner and Stacy come out to the stage, and Steiner sits down while Stacy poses and bends over and stuff... Sweet fancy Moses. Booker wins, but the crowd doesn�t notice, because GOOD GOD Stacy is hot. I didn�t even think she looked that great until I became the Raw writer. Maybe it�s something about the job. I mean, Stacy�s legs and THAT ASS drove JHawk to alcoholism, not HHH and poor show quality. I hear he�s compiled every moment of footage of her on TV, both WCW and WWE, in order to perfectly blueprint an exact replica of her, which will be either inflatable or one of those heavy-assed simulated people I saw on Real Sex one time.
Kane v. Rob Van Dam: The unshackling process takes so long that we get to the actual cool part of Kane�s music, and I wish they�d use that as the opening part. RVD doesn�t even do his whole entrance, he just flies into the ring and starts to pound on Kane. Kane isn�t really fazed by any of it, and King notices that the police have left ringside. That�s really REALLY stupid. If you�ve got a psychopath who sets people on fire and wants to maim and kill, do you leave him alone with another man and a puny referee, when the psychopath is seven feet tall and north of 300 pounds and potentially the strongest dude in the company? Kane kicks RVD�s ass all the way up the ramp and is about to chokeslam him off the stage like he did Bischoff, but referees, road agents, and Linda McMahon come out to stop him. He destroys a part of the entranceway with RVD�s head and starts to beat down all the road agents before going after Linda. He goes to chokeslam her instead, but Lawler stops him before getting killed himself. Where the fuck are those police officers? Kane TOMBSTONES LINDA ON THE STAGE. Wow, and I was thinking to myself how she�s the one McMahon who�s never really taken any moves. I mean, for obvious reasons (CEO being killed on a steel stage = bad) the tombstone was really poor and they didn�t realize how bad it�d look looking at it head on until midway through, when they changed to the much more realistic side shot. Kane walks off while everyone huddles over Linda and the show ends.
As horrible as that was supposed to be, when Linda was arched back for a moment, I noticed she had a pretty good rack for a 50-something woman. She was probably hot when she was younger.
... what? You didn�t notice?
Send me feedback and maybe explain why bitches gotta be trippin�.
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