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TNA
All-Canadian Velocity Recap, August 2, 2003
Posted by Chris Oster on Aug 4, 2003, 19:37
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WWE VELOCITY
AIRDATE: August 2, 2003
ANNOUNCERS: Josh Mathews, Ernest "The Cat" Miller
LAST WEEK ON VELOCITY: Orlando Jordan was still improving. Nunzio was still good. Spanky and Funaki were still a team. The Basham Brothers still creeped me out, but their losing streak wasn't still going. And Eddy Guerrero is still my hero. Who'll still be standing when it's said and done...TONIGHT???
Watched the Slamball draft before Velocity...did you know that Arthur Agee plays in this league? One of the kids from Hoop Dreams? Sucks to see how far away from the NBA he eventually ended up, but it's nice to see him trying to play ball however he can. Even if it is Slamball.
MAILBAG: [email protected] is back, with a correction on his Nathan Jones reference:
I ment orlando jordan.. which so far has about the same amount of talent as jones since I've seen Jordan wrestle.
I can't agree. Everything I've seen of Jordan on Velocity has been positive. He has a good look about him, and his basic mat skills are sound. He may not ever make the main event, but he could definitely be US title material within the next year. Of course, the same can be said about a lot of guys who've fallen by the wayside over the years, so take that with a grain of salt.
On with the show...
MATCH 1: Spanky vs. Matt Hardy, Version 1 (w/Shannon Moore)
NIIIIIICE opener. Matt Facts: Matt loves corduroy clothing, and and Matt despises standstill traffic. Well, I'm with him on that last one, at least. Lockup, and Matt gets an armdrag and celebrates. It WAS quite a well-done armdrag, to be fair. Another lockup, and Spanky goes behind and grabs a side headlock. Matt goes for a top wristlock to break, but Spanky reapplies the headlock and takes Matt down for 2. Matt then rolls Spanky up for 1. Spanky goes to a front facelock, and Matt gets up and again tries to power out of it. This time he's successful, grabbing an armbar, but only momentarily as Spanky reverses it and goes back to the front facelock. Matt decides to try a different tack, and picky up Spanky and drops him on the top turnbuckle. He then gives him a chest slap...and celebrates again. Again, though, it WAS a very good chest slap. Spanky obviously disagrees, and comes off with a missle dropkick for 2. Spanky with an arm-wringer, cross-corner whip reversed, Spanky goes over the top of a charging Matt and does the Tiger Mask flip-kick from last week. Off the ropes, but Matt has his wits about him now, and takes over with a Side Effect. More celebrating. It WAS a very...OK, I'll shut up now. Matt gets a lax cover for 2. Matt chokes Spanky on the top rope, then distracts referee Mike Chioda while Shannon clotheslines Spanky on the top rope. Reality Check gets 2. Snap mare takeover into a headlock by Matt. Spanky powers up and lands some rights, but Matt yanks him down by the hair to retake control. Matt puts his foot on Spanky's throat using the ropes for leverage, then hits the hangman -> airplane spin -> spinning neckbreaker combo. It gets 2. Matt goes to a surfboard, with his foot on the back of Spanky's neck. Spanky escapes, then hits a dropkick to the small of Matt's back. Matt with a forearm, but Spanky reverses an Irish whip, hits a headbutt, then comes off the ropes with a flying clothesline for 2. Spanky whips Matt to the corner, then comes off the ropes again with a...kick to the head? That's one move that doesn't seem like it would be aided by coming off the ropes. Spanky hits a flying enzuigiri, then stacks up Matt for 2. You know, I was just thinking about how cool it would be for someone to use an enzuigiri without the opponent holding his leg. Like when Bad News Brown used it as his finisher. Of course, I've just lost most of my audience with that reference. Spanky goes up top, but Matt gets up and nails him. Hey...there's an Ultimo Dragon/Nunzio match tonight?? Are they booking my dream show? Matt goes for a Super Twist of Fate, but Spanky shoves him off. Matt rolls out of the way of a moonsault, though, and hits a quick Twist of Fate for the pin at 5:48. Give these guys five more minutes! 1 for 1.
Still to come...Kurt Angle's the new champ. Up next though...we get the whole Noble/Torrie story from SmackDown. Joy.
Commercials. Nike gets props from me for the new Lance Armstrong ad. He's the greatest athlete in the world, you know. No joke.
Backstage, Shaniqua and the Basham Brothers are doing their thing (that's as descriptive as I'm getting, folks) when they're interrupted by Funaki for an interview. He mentions the beating they took at Vengeance, and the Bashams threaten to show him what a good beating really is when in walks APA. Bradshaw makes the obligatory transsexual joke to Shaniqua, and challenge the Bashams and a partner to a match with them and Funaki. I think Simmons wanted a little something from Shaniqua, which was the high point of this bit. So much for booking my dream show...
Highlights from the Billy Gunn/Jamie Noble match at Vengeance, then the SmackDown vignettes with those two, Torrie and Nidia. Yes, ALL FOUR of them. Was that really necessary?
Ultimo Dragon is NEXT!
1 for 2.
Commercials.
MATCH 2: Ultimo Dragon vs. Nunzio
No FBI once again for Nunzio. Dragon chases Nunzio around ringside, then gets caught with stomps and a choke when he enters the ring. He goes for the mask, then settles for a forearm to the back. Irish whip, and they criss-cross, then Nunzio has a kick blocked and reversed into a nice leg trip. Dragon gets his own kick blocked, and then gets legswept as well. Nunzio paintbrushes him, but gets caught coming back in with a headshissors into a twisting rana (sort of). Dragon gets a five kick combo in -- two to the left hamstring, two to the midsection and the final one to the head. He covers for 2. Dragon gets a forearm, then an Irish whip reversed by Nunzio, Dragon hooks the ropes, then pulls down the top rope, sending a charging Nunzio crashing to the outside. Dragon leaps over the top rope, but Nunzio pulls him down before he can hit the Asai moonsault. Nunzio on the apron now, but HE gets pulled off by Dragon. Both men down on the outside, and...COMMERCIAL??? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS??????
Well, that counts as a segment, unfortunately, so I'm going to have to go 1 for 3. Idiots.
Commercials.
We're back, and both men are back in the ring. Dragon comes off the second rope, but Nunzio catches him with a leaping forearm for 2. Nunzio with kicks to the back, then a spinning armlock with the legs and falling back to the mat. That looked interesting. Nunzio with an armbar. Dragon FINALLY comes back with kicks and chops, but Nunzio hits a drop toehold to retake control. Nunzio with a front facelock, and a forearm to the back. Irish whip, and Nunzio tries for a back bodydrop, but Dragon flips through (barely staying on his feet). Nunzio gets a knee to the gut, though (then what was the point of the flip-through?), and goes back to work on the left arm. Arm-wringer and Nunzio tries to dislocate the shoulder again, but Dragon counters in a sleeper. Well, it's working on me, amazingly enough. Nunzio with a knee to the head to escape, but Dragon gets a kick to the back. Cross-corner whip reversed -- called an Italian whip (?) by Josh -- but Dragon gets to the top, then comes off with a flying bodypress that Nunzio rolls though. Nunzio then hits a sidewalk slam for 2. Chockdown on the mat. Cross-corner whip by Nunzio (no, I'm NOT calling it that a second time), but he runs into a back elbow from Dragon. He charges a second time, and this time gets a forearm. This match has no flow to it whatsoever. He slams Dragon's head to the buckle twice, then places Dragon on the buckle. Nunzio goes up to try a backdrop suplex, but Dragon fights back with "cruiserweight punches" (what, would they not work on a heavyweight? Shut UP, Josh), then repositions himself to get a sunset flip into a delayed powerbomb. Both men stunned, then Nunzio runs into an axe kick in the corner. Dragon misses a clothesline coming out, but a German suplex is broken up by a series of kicks, then the weird flipping neckbreaker finishes at 5:25 shown. That was excruciating. Ultimo did not look very good there, and the commerical totally killed whatever flow this match may have ever had.
Now, I can see putting in a commercial to a live 20- or 30-minute match, because, you know, sponsors get antsy if you don't show commercials for awhile. That's why I was OK with a commercial in, say, the HBK/Jericho match on RAW a couple of weeks back. But when you throw in a commercial in the middle of a 6-minute match, on a TAPED B-show for what pretty much seems like no reason at all, when you've had five days to lay out the segments for the show, that's inexcusable. ESPECIALLY when you showed ALL FOUR SEGMENTS of the crap with Torrie Wilson that no one gives a damn about anyway, and which anyone who's watching this show already saw just two days ago. Way to fuck around your fanbase, Vince. And you wonder why people aren't watching anymore.
1 for 4.
Up next...speaking of Vince, HE gets a segment on this show. But that commercial was absolutely necessary. It was. Really.
Commericals.
Still highlights of the 3-way from Vengeance precede the opening interview from SmackDown, and then the Brock Lesnar/Vince backstage segment setting up the cage match for next week, THEN the Brock/Kurt vs. A-Train/Big Show tag match. Get the hell off my TV, Vince. 1 for 5.
Oh, and Undertaker squashes...er, faces John Cena on SmackDown as well.
Commercials.
MATCH 3: The Basham Brothers (w/Shaniqua) and Sean O'Haire vs. APA and Funaki (SmackDown NUMBAH ONE! announcer)
I'm sorry, but that music just doesn't fit O'Haire at all. Even more ridiculous, though, is that the faces are announced at a combined weight of 886 lbs. Now that means one of three things:
a) each APA member is 350 apiece,
b) Funaki weighs close to 300,
c) Tony Chimel is an idiot.
Personally, I'm going with d), the card-writers are idiots. Announcers pimp Bradshaw's new book, Have More Money Now. Tip #1: Invest in Johnson and Johnson...baby oil is always a solid investment. Funaki wants to start, but APA talks him out of that pretty quick. Bradshaw and Danny start. Big "APA" chant before they even lockup. I guess they missed those guys...I know I did, having to sit through two months of the Bradshaw singles push over on RAW. Lockup, and Bradshaw forces Danny into the corner and knees him in the gut. Forearm to the back, and a side headlock by Bradshaw. Danny tosses him into the ropes, but Bradshaw gets a shoulderblock. Off the near side, and an elbowdrop gets 2. Josh proves he's not as stupid as I thought by mentioning what I just got through explaining about the faces' weight. Well, OK, he IS still as stupid as I think, but at least that one didn't slip by him. Bradshaw with a forearm, then a chop on the ropes. Bradshaw with an Irish whip, but he puts his head down (a Cardinal Mistake, don't you know) and Danny hits a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Forearms, but Bradshaw reverses an Irish whip and hits the big boot on Danny coming off. Funaki wants a tag, and Bradshaw bows and obliges, and they do the Kaientai camel clutch/baseball slide dropkick that he and Spanky have done the last two weeks. He celebrates and gets a high-five from Bradshaw. C'mon, it wasn't THAT good. Danny gets a kneelift to take control. Right hand and an Irish whip, but Funaki ducks under the clothesline and hits a rana on Danny. Funaki now with a right hand and an Irish whip, but Danny hooks the ropes, causing Funaki to miss the dropkick. Tag to Doug, who meets a drop toehold and an armdrag into an armbar by Funaki. Tag to Simmons, who works Doug over in the corner. They ARE calling him Ron Simmons again, right? So why is John calling him Faarooq still? Shut up, Josh. Irish whip, and a back elbow gets to for Simmons. Gut wrench into the Dominator, but Shaniqua distracts him before he can hit it, and Doug hits him with a reverse Russian legsweep when he turns around. Tag to O'Haire, who backs Simmons up with the knee combo and beals him back down. O'Haire mounts him on the mat...that doesn't look very good. O'Haire gets a couple of two counts. Right hand drops Simmons. O'Haire stomps him on the mat, then tags in Danny, who continues stomping. He gets Simmons in the corner and keeps stomping him. Bradshaw in to protest the triple-team in the corner, which, of course, allows for more triple teaming. Bashams switch off and hit a double suplex, but Bradshaw continues to distract the ref so Doug only gets 2 off it. Right hand and Doug comes off the ropes, but Simmons catches him and throws him down in a Move That Would Normally Be Called A Spinebuster But Really Isn't. Both men down, and they both make tags to Funaki and O'Haire. Funaki with right hands, then hits an enzuigiri. Funaki knocks Danny off the apron, but O'Haire catches him coming back and presses him, then drops him onto his shoulders and...gets reverse DDTed by Funaki for 2! Danny breaks the count, but Bradshaw clobbers him with the Clothesline From Hell. APA with a double shoulderblock on Doug, but Bradshaw eats a superkick from O'Haire. He cahrges Funaki in the corner, but Funaki moves and hits a pseudo-bulldog on O'Haire for 1, before Shaniqua interferes. Funaki goes up as if to hit a plancha on her, but O'Haire is up, and catches him and hits Splash Mountain (Razor's Edge for those of you more familiar with that name) for the pin at 6:15. I really hope that's his new finisher...looks a lot better than the Widowmaker. Not that Barry Windham's not an attractive man or anything. Bashams get another win? This is getting distrubing. Not as much as much as the gimmick, though. Nothing that really washed the stink off the last 45 minutes here.
1 for 6, and we're out.
THE LAST WORD: Terrible. I'd say more, but this show pissed me off so thoroughly that I'm not going to bother.
Comments, flames, suggestions, etc. welcomed. Until next week...
Chris Oster
[email protected]
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