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The NFL Report: Hurricane Isabel Edition!
Posted by Dr. Tom on Sep 18, 2003, 15:01
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THE NFL REPORT: WEEK 3
HURRICANE ISABEL EDITION
Well shiver me timbers and batten down my hatches, because it looks like my area is going to get ravaged by a goddamn hurricane. If this report is on time (meaning sometime in the range of Thursday afternoon to Friday afternoon), it�s because your intrepid NFL reporter, brave in the face of a natural disaster, gamely soldiered on despite the winds, rain, and flying trailers from the mobile home park. If it�s late, it�s probably because I was squished by one of those flying trailers. But I�m taking the risk for YOU, loyal readers, so you should damn sight be appreciative.
This weekend was one of records in the NFL. Ravens RB Jamal Lewis broke the NFL single-game rushing record, decimating the Browns defense for 295 yards. In doing so, he has earned the right to be referred to by only a capitalized first name, followed by a tilde-bang. Thus, Jamal Lewis shall be known as JAMAL~! from now on. This singular honor is bestowed upon few players, and means more than any award the NFL might choose to bestow upon JAMAL~! More on that a bit later. Cowboys K Billy Cundif tied an NFL record by kicking seven field goals in Monday night�s overtime shocker. And while we�re speaking of records, the Eagles now have an 0-2 record overall, and an 0-2 record at their Beautiful New Ballpark. Not all records are good ones.
Week 2: A Look Back
RAVENS~! 33, Cleveland 13. The big news from this game, of course, is that JAMAL~! now owns the single-game rushing record. Had it not been for a stupid holding penalty charged to Marcus Robinson � who did himself absolutely no favors with his horrid play Sunday � JAMAL~! would have easily had over 300 yards, and another touchdown. As it stands, he�ll have to settle for having �295� beside his name in the record books. I think someone will break that record within the next ten years (and maybe within the next five), but it�s a tremendous honor while it lasts.
Ravens QB Kyle Boller had a miserable game, completing just 1 of 400 pass attempts before leaving with a knee injury. Thankfully, JAMAL~! was able to pick up the slack. Chris Redman replaced Boller, and Redman�s best play was also to hand the ball to JAMAL~! and watch him run. Ed Reed was a monster on defense, intercepting two passes, including one on the last play of the game that he returned for a touchdown. The announcers suggested Reed was running up the score and being disrespectful. My take: rubbish. If the ball had not been thrown so poorly, Reed would not have had a chance to casually jump the route and intercept it with only an open field before him. Football players are trained from an early age to score, score, score. What was Reed supposed to do, ignore everything he�d ever learned as a playmaker on defense and just take a knee? Bah.
Note that I would feel the same way had the Browns done that to the Ravens. I have zero sympathy for any team who complains that the score was run up on them. Perhaps those teams should examine why they give up points so easily instead of looking for mercy from a team trying to beat them.
St. Louis 27, The City 24 (OT). Marc Bulger again leads the Rams to the promised land. Bulger is 7-1 as the starting QB between this year and last year, while former feel-good story Kurt Warner is 0-7 in that same timespan. Is Bulger the better QB? It�s hard to say. The Rams run the ball more when Bulger is in the game, which is something they should do anyway. Marshall Faulk becomes the important piece of the offense he needs to be, while Warner is expected to shoulder a lager burden. While the numbers say Bulger is the man in St. Louis, those numbers could be misleading.
Washington 33, Atlanta 31. Last week, I said this was a game that could have gone either way (I picked the opposite way, natch), and the score bears that out. A safety by the Redskins, which capitalized on an atrocious Falcons blocking scheme, ended up being the difference. Patrick Ramsey passed for 356 yards, but the Redskins also ran the ball, led by Trung Canidate�s 89 yards. Steve Spurrier seems to have learned that running the ball is a prerequisite to success in the NFL. The Redskins have enough talent on offense to make that a dangerous lesson for the rest of the NFL.
Indianapolis 33, Tennessee 7. Ouch. The Titans owned Indy last year, and the Colts had revenge on their minds. They came out and played a solid game from start to finish, and even drove Titans QB Steve McNair from the game with an injury. McNair�s right ring finger was bent at a gruesome angle, but he returned to the game after having X-rays taken. Even had McNair played the whole game, it wouldn�t have made a difference.
Kansas City 41, Pittsburgh 20. The Steelers got off to a quick start, leading 10-0 and 17-7, before falling apart and letting the Chiefs have their way with them. Priest Holmes, hereafter known as PRIEST~!, rushed for three touchdowns on the vaunted Steelers defense, turning this game into a rather one-sided shootout. Steelers QB Tommy Maddox threw for a boatload of yards, but his three interceptions dashed Pittsburgh�s hopes of making a comeback.
Carolina 12, Tampa Bay 9. That should really be 16 points for Tampa Bay. However, the Carolina special teams blocked two field goals and one extra point, the last coming with all zeroes on the clock, after Tampa had tied the game on the last play of regulation. After the Carolina defense made some critical mistakes in letting Tampa get into position to score, then score, the special teams redeemed them. I was wondering what would have happened had Tampa had a chance to win on a field goal in OT. Carolina never gave them the chance, though.
Denver 37, San Diego 13. I wonder if the Chargers are having second thoughts about getting rid of Junior Seau now? After seeing the Broncos rack up 197 yards rushing on them, with Clinton Portis gaining his 129 on just 12 carries, I have to think they are. That San Diego D looked absolutely porous. Denver ran all over them, and even got Jake Plummer on track with the passing game. Plummer threw for only 94 yards (he left with an apparent concussion), but hit on three touchdown passes before departing. The most interesting thing to come out of this game is the trouble Mike Shanahan might end up in for lying about his players� injuries.
New England 31, Philadelphia 10. It�s official, kids: the Eagles look like shit. Their defense, which is having injury troubles, resembles a sieve far more than the elite unit it was last year. The offense has been uninspired, and Donovan McNabb is playing as if his name were Elvis Grbac. Eagles RBs had only 11 carries in the game; New England, on the other hand, was averaging two yards per rush, but still pounded the ball at the Eagles� defense 30 times. The Eagles need to find themselves a running game and a defense capable of stopping the pass, and they need to find it soon. Last week, I said that hilarity would ensue if Tom Brady had a good game. He did, and it did . . . unless you�re an Eagles fan.
Dallas 35, NY Giants 32 (OT). There is no reason the Giants should have lost this game. Bill Parcells had to be psyched to play his old team in New York (well, New Jersey, but it was probably still exciting, if a little harder on the nostrils), and it definitely rubbed off on his team. Quincy Carter has looked nothing like he did last year, which has been good news for the Cowboys. The Giants looked flat, especially on defense, as the Cowboys simply had their way with the league�s #3 defense of a year ago. The offense didn�t do them any favors, either, with Kerry Collins having a lousy game, Tiki Barber unable to get on track, and Jeremy Shockey playing like he was afraid of the football. The Giants are better than they showed here, and the Cowboys probably aren�t as good as they looked, but for one Monday night, none of that mattered.
Games Not Worth Writing A Paragraph About
New Orleans 31, Houston 10. Precisely what you�d expect from these two teams.
Miami 21, NY Jets 10. The Dolphins finally get another win in the Meadowlands.
Buffalo 38, Jacksonville 17. Yep, those Bills sure can play offense.
Green Bay 31, Detroit 6. Brett Favre didn�t even have to be good to win this one.
Seattle 38, Arizona 0. Thankfully, Seattle�s play is nowhere near as ugly as their uniforms.
Oakland 23, Cincinnati 20. If the Bengals play like this all year, they�ll surprise some teams.
Minnesota 24, Chicago 13. Hey, look! Another crappy game for Kordell Stewart.
Dr. Tom�s Superstar of the Week
It�s a collective award this time, and it goes to the Panthers� special teams. Who blocks THREE kicks in one game? Amazing. It�s even more amazing they blocked the extra point that would have won the game on the last play. It�s a short kick, the ball can be elevated more, Martin Gramatica has never missed an extra point in his professional life . . . and none of it mattered, as another ball was swatted back into the Bucs� face. Props to the Carolina special teams for picking up the ball and running with it, even though they can�t score one point for it like they could in college.
Honorable mention, of course, goes to JAMAL~!
Dr. Tom�s Shithead of the Week
We have two lucky (?) winners this time, and they�re both kickers.
Martin Gramatica. Elevate the goddamn ball, will you? And if your blocking is breaking down, then it�s your job to point it out to your head coach, who should go kick the shit out of the offensive line coach for allowing even one blocked kick in a game, let alone three.
Matt Bryant. If one Giant is directly responsible for the Cowboys� win Monday night, it�s their kicker. Here�s a clue what you�re supposed to do when kicking the ball off with just a few ticks on the clock, cretin: boot it down the middle of the freaking field. Bounce it a few times to run another second or two off the clock, but whatever you do, don�t let the ball go out of bounds. Bryant stupidly kicked the ball out of bounds, the Cowboys got it on the 40, ran one play to get in FG range, and sent the game into OT. Inexcusable.
Pass For Show, Run For Dough
In this era of long passes and highlight-reel catches, there is still a simple truism about the NFL: if you want to win, you need to run the ball. This past Sunday, eight teams had running backs go over 100 yards rushing.
Every single one of those teams won. Furthermore, eight teams attempted fewer than 20 rushes. All of them lost. Of the 14 teams that rushed the ball 30 or more times, 13 of them came out on top. I�m probably going to track this as the season goes along, so keep a look out for it.
All The News That�s Fit To Steal
-- The 49ers have released K Jeff Chandler and signed journeyman Owen Pochman to replace him. Chandler missed an extra point in the season opener, and had not converted a kick longer than 35 yards this season. Pochman was most recently with the Giants, and was expected to be their starter last season before an injury landed him on IR.
-- PRIEST~! Is questionable for Sunday�s game with bruised ribs. The Chiefs were concerned about PRIEST~! in the offseason, especially after he missed the final two games of last season with a hip injury that required surgery. The coaching staff wanted to reduce his touches this year, but his workload after two games is identical to what it was last year.
-- Broncos coach Mike Shanahan may have landed himself in hot water Sunday. After Jake Plummer left the game with an injury, Shanahan had it reported as a concussion. The only problem is that Plummer�s head was fine . . . well, as fine as it ever is, at least. Plummer actually hurt his shoulder, but since the Broncos carry only two QBs, Shanahan deliberately misrepresented the injury. He claims the Chargers would have had an advantage if Steve Beurlein had gotten hurt, forcing Plummer back into the game. I can�t see the reasoning there, since an injured QB gives the other team some kind of advantage regardless of the injury, but Shanahan felt the need to lie about it, anyway. NFL guidelines about listing injuries during the week are quite strict, less so for in-game reports. The NFL is investigating this incident. The Broncos did sign Danny Kanell to be their third QB, though Plummer is expected to play this weekend. Kanell is a former starter for the Giants.
-- Patriots LB Roosevelt Colvin will miss at least one game with a hip injury he suffered while recovering a Donovan McNabb fumble. Colvin was replaced by Willie McGinest, who had two sacks. The Patriots are also without another LB, Ted Johnson, who continues to miss time with a broken foot.
-- Houston signed FS Marlon McCree, recently released by the Jaguars. McCree, a former starter for Jacksonville, fell out of favor with the new coaching staff and sealed his own fate with a blown coverage against Buffalo. McCree is expected to compete for a starting job in Houston.
-- Panthers punter Todd Sauerbrun signed a four-year contract extension that will pay him almost $6 million over that time. For PUNTING the football. Nice work if you can get it.
-- Steelers LB Joey Porter is expected to return this Sunday against Cincinnati. Porter, who got shot in the ass outside a Denver nightclub just two and a half weeks ago, has been practicing this week and was given a clean bill of health by doctors. Reports that some of Porter�s teammates said he �has a great ass� are hopefully speaking only of its recuperative powers.
-- In news sure to thrill our allies overseas, NFL Europe survived a close vote of NFL owners and will continue play for two more seasons. The league, which has been a financial adventure throughout its twelve-year existence, received exactly the required number of votes (24) to stay alive. One more owner with any common sense would have killed it. Here�s the problem with NFL Europe: Europeans think of �football� as soccer, not American NFL-style football. Thus, they�re used to boring 90-minute slumber parties where 22 men run back and forth without doing much, and the �highlight� of the night is all the men on one team lined up in front of their own goal with their hands over their genitals. English fans love this live cure for insomnia so much that they frequently riot and kill each other over it. �My team is the most boring on the face of the earth!� �No, my team is!� �Let us settle this by tearing down the grandstand and beating each other with stray planks of wood! Yaaaaaargh!� Is it any wonder the league hasn�t been a success? A score of 17-10 has the fans too befuddled to stab each other to death. Simple fix: bring the league stateside and make it a spring venture in cities that don�t already have NFL football.
Rant Alert! Rant Alert!
You know one thing I�m incredibly tired of in the NFL? Receivers who gesture and cry for a penalty flag every time they don�t catch the ball. It�s just another sign of ego in the league. Sack dances and doing stupid things like running around and pounding one�s chest after a routine tackle have set the me-first standard. Receivers who could not possibly have failed to catch a ball without some kind of defensive skullduggery used against them are the latest example.
Here�s a memo to receivers around the NFL: you�re not perfect, and you drop more passes than you�d ever admit to. Watching the Bucs/Panthers game Sunday, I got irritated listening to the announcers give verbal blowjobs to Keyshawn Johnson whenever the ball was thrown into his ZIP code. Keyshawn is an overrated receiver and has been for years. �Just give me the damn ball!� Yeah, so you can drop it, you motor-mouthed jackass. Anyway, I thought it was great when Johnson then dropped the game-tying touchdown catch with only a few seconds left on the clock. He did make a tough catch on the next play, but Johnson has a history of dropping big passes.
Every game I watched this weekend, I saw at least three cases where a receiver would fail to catch the ball, then start gesturing wildly for the interference flag. Once, the flag was actually thrown after the tantrum began, which is unconscionable. Officials shouldn�t give in to spoiled egomaniacs under any circumstances. Good coverage is good coverage, and the defender has as much right to go for the ball as the receiver does. Receivers need to acknowledge that there are times the coverage is just too good. Every ball that falls to the turf incomplete does not do so as a result of interference.
There�s an easy solution to this: start assessing unsportsmanlike conduct penalties whenever a receiver has a hissy fit asking for a flag. The player is trying to show up the officials and should be penalized accordingly. Yes, the officials sometimes suck and make horrible calls, but by and large, they do a good job on the field and don�t need some millionaire bawling and pointing at them because he muffed a gimme pass.
Rant over.
Week 3 Picks To Click
Last Week: 9-7 (56.2%)
Season to Date: 20-12 (62.5%)
@ New England 27, NY Jets 16. As odd as it sounds, the Pats� offense got healthy against the Eagles� D.
Kansas City 37, @ Houston 13. That�s 37 even if PRIEST~! Doesn�t play.
Tampa Bay 24, @ Atlanta 14. Number of blocked kicks still to be determined.
Pittsburgh 34, @ Cincinnati 20. The Bengals are improving, but not enough to win this one.
Minnesota 30, @ Detroit 17. Minnesota looks to be for real this year. If they are, watch out.
New Orleans 24, @ Tennessee 20. McNair doesn�t have enough to pull this one out.
@ Indianapolis 27, Jacksonville 13. �Edge� gets involved, and the Colts roll. It�s simple, really.
@ Seattle 31, St. Louis 24. The Seahawks� resurgent defense downs Marc Bulger.
@ Washington 24, NY Giants 21. A banged-up O line does the Giants in here.
Green Bay 34, @ Arizona 6. The Arizona D should cure what ails Brett Favre.
RAVENS~! 24, @ San Diego 16. Give the ball to JAMAL~! and good things will happen.
@ The City 30, Cleveland 16. Think Garrison Hearst will get a lot of carries?
Buffalo 23, Miami 19. Buffalo is for real. All they have to do is slow down Ricky Williams.
@ Denver 26, Oakland 20. The Raiders really miss Jerry Porter, and it shows.
(Bye Week: Chicago, Dallas, Philly, Carolina)
Since several of you have asked, I�ll probably be doing power rankings at some point, but I think they�re worthless this early in the season. After week 4, the contenders and pretenders have started to separate themselves, so if I do decide to do power rankings, look for them around then.
Got a football question that�s not silly trivia? Want to say something about the NFL and maybe get your name in lights? Just send me an email , minus the NOSPAM tag, of course.
Enjoy the games.
Dr. Tom Fowler
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