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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (9/25/2003)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Sep 25, 2003, 21:55
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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (9/25/2003)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
I'm forgoing the E-Mail of the Week and Forums Quote of the Week features this week. Not because there wasn't great stuff, because there was a ton of it, but because my computer is giving me issues tonight and, as a result, I'm on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Hopefully they'll be back next week.
Cheap Plug: Since I know that some of you who read this probably don't read many of my UWC TV taping reports (and if you're not reading them, you should, if only because it's different from what other sites cover), you may have also missed my TSM exclusive interview with manager Tim Shady. If you read nothing else in that interview except the Jake Roberts story, that's fine, but you ought to read the Jake Roberts story in that interview.
Tonight: Rey Misterio Jr. defends the Cruiserweight Title against Tajiri. Eddy Guerrero defends both championships in separate matches, and I sure as hell won't complain about seeing Eddy wrestle twice. And we'll begin to flesh out the lineup for No Mercy on October 19, and knowing WWE logic, I'm sure I'll be bitching about that before the night is out.
Segment 1
Taped 9/23/2003 from Philadelphia's Wachovia Center (oh, whatever happened to the Spectrum?)! Michael Coleslaw and Tazz bring you three championship matches as we begin the Brock Lesnar era!
And because we're two whole minutes into the show without the McMahon presence, Mr. McAsshole and No Longer Able Sable are making their way to the ring for a special presentation of the WWE SmackDown Title. Sign in crowd: "Brock Lesnar ate my cheesesteak." And rightfully so. Philly cheesesteaks kick ass! Last week, of course, only one man stood tall after the Ironman Match, and that's why we're all here--to honor that superior athlete...well, it's not My Olympic Hero (w/new T-shirt), but he's going to come to the ring anyway. Vince asks to put the words in his mouth. He wants to say Brock Lesnar cheated. He wants to bitch and moan. Or not. Maybe he's here because he wants a rematch tonight. Well, he did win the first fall...but that's not going to happen anytime soon, because Angle must work from the bottom and work his way up. So maybe Kurt's here to honor Brock Lesnar and present him the title. Hey, Kurt gets to speak for himself...and he wants to kick Brock's ass. Since he's not getting the shot anytime soon, then either Angle beats the hell out of Brock out here, or Angle goes to the back and beats the hell out of him there. The choice is Brock's, but before he can make that choice, John Cena is on his way to the ring. Cena gets as far as saying Angle has a vagina before Angle knocks him out of the ring. Angle says he's going back after Brock and storms down the aisle.
Cut to the back, and Angle is hunting Brock down. He finds Brock's locker room and barges in...but he isn't there. But when he leaves, Cena is waiting on him and sends him into the door.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Well, I'll be honest and say that this is probably the best way to get Angle into another feud for the time being while still keeping the idea of Angle getting another title shot fresh in the fans' minds. And Angle and Cena have a history of doing good stuff together (well, one TV match and one promo that didn't actually build to anything). So yeah, Angle vs. Cena is fine with me, even if that likely means an opponent for the World Title that most smarks might not want at the top of the card. They kept the segment down to around 10 minutes, and it actually built to something, so I'll give it a thumbs up in spite of McMahon's ugly mug being on my TV.
Segment 2
During the break, Cena got the hell out of the building before Angle could catch up to him, so Angle threatens to kick Vince's driver's ass if he doesn't drive after him.
One fall for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Los Guerreros (champions) vs. Matt Hardy v.1.0 and Shannon Moore v.0.75
Matt Facts: "Matt has wrestled with strep throat" and "Matt hates taking medicine". Eddy and Matt start. Wrestling sequence to start. Tag to Chavo, who hits a dropkick. Drop toehold. Back suplex, tag to Eddy, slingshot senton for 2. Quick tags by the champions, and Eddy snap mares Hardy into Chavo's dropkick, which gets 2. Moore distracts Chavo on the floor, and Hardy takes him down with a baseball slide. Into the apron, and Hardy rolls him in and covers for 2. Tag to Moore, who hits a back suplex for 2. Turnbuckle smash, tag to Hardy, series of kicks, and now the challengers are the ones doing the quick tags. Chavo takes Shannon down with a swinging DDT and tags Eddy, who comes in dropkicking away. Backdrop. Armdrag and headscissors on both men, but a shot to the midsection by Hardy leads to the floatover swinging neckbreaker for 2. They go for a double team, but Chavo trips Hardy. All four men in the ring, and Hardy sends Chavo to the floor. Twist of Fate is countered, Chavo low bridges Hardy to the floor, and Moore kicks Eddy in the back of the head for 2. Moore up top, and he misses his finisher. Chavo with a back suplex, Eddy with a frog splash, and Los Guerreros retain the titles at 5:21. **3/4 Postmatch, Hardy attacks Eddy from behind and hits the Side Effect on the title belt. That only works if Eddy retains the US Title tonight.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
You can't really complain when four good workers go out and bust their asses for a little over five minutes, so no problems here. And I'm liking the possibility of an Eddy Guerrero-Matt Hardy feud, but I would really rather see it be for the US Title than not, so hopefully this means Eddy retains tonight. I can handle this for a segment, making them 2 for 2 tonight...so you know they're going to fuck it up.
Segment 3
During the break, Charlie Haas got rid of Chavo and locked the Haas of Pain onto Eddy in an attempt to further weaken Eddy before their match tonight.
A-Train is out to rearrange some furniture...and cut a promo? Oh christ! He's been hearing that he can't beat Chris Benoit, so he begs for an open challenge. Yeah, piss off the Philly crowd, smart move. He decides to take on timekeeper Mark Yeaton and locks him in a crippler crossface, and here comes Chris BeNOIT from the back, and he locks in a crossface. A-Train powers out and grabs a chair....back back back back, Chris Benoit's head is GONE over the left field wall. If the Phillies could hit like that, maybe they'd still have a shot at the playoffs.
Backstage, the trainer is checking on Eddy's ribs and suggesting Eddy shouldn't wrestle, but Eddy insists on competing. He defends the US Title against Charlie Haas later.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Well, if anybody can make A-Train look like more than just a typical big man, it's Chris Benoit, but I really don't need to see that match anymore. It's been decent, but not worth another month's worth of feud between them.
Segment 4
Vince is hitting on Sable in the GM office, and if I gave a shit I'd tape some of Cinemax's softcore porn after the show. Some technician comes in, and he's about 20 minutes late, but his job tonight is to put the belt back in the glass case and have the presentation later anyway. Now back to the bad porn acting!
Josh Mathews interviews Charlie Haas, and the odds, like always, are in Haas' favor tonight. He took Eddy out like Chavo and Eddy took out Shelton Benjamin last week. And like they did with the Tag Team Title last week, this time Haas is going to take the US Title.
Let's show you what happened leading up to tonight's Cruiserweight Title match: The green mist three weeks ago, Tajiri's pinfall in the tag team match two weeks ago, and last week's tag team match where Rey Misterio Jr. avoided the green mist.
Tajiri is practicing his kicks, because the match is NEXT!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I liked the interview with Haas, as it did a great job setting the scene for the US Title match later tonight. Every match needs that kind of build up. Haas could still use some work on his promos, but that wasn't too bad considering he doesn't get a chance to cut too many of them. I'm not commenting on the Vince McMahon segment.
Let's continue to push The Mullets when it was the lowest rated first-run program last week.
Segment 5
Why does The Rock show better moves in a movie than he has in the ring in years? ::rimshot::
One fall for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Rey Mistero Jr. (champion) vs. Tajiri
Lockup, stalemate, cheap kick by Tajiri. Series of chops. Rey with an armdrag. Into cruiserweight moveset #4, and Tajiri hits a kneedrop for 2. Cruiserweight moveset #2 leads to a flying rana, but Tajiri counters a Victory roll for 2. Rey with a dropkick (or if you're Michael Cole, a "shot to the chin") for 2. Tajiri side steps a charge and locks in the Tarantula. Tajiri loosens the top turnbuckle pad. Rey avoids the mist with a kick, and Tajiri looks in total shock. Dropkick by Rey sends Tajiri to the floor, and Rey flies outside with a springboard plancha.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
So far so good. A good pace, and Rey has already avoided the mist to play off of their previous matches.
Segment 6
We're back with Rey getting a corner whip and a forearm smash. Rey up top, but Tajiri kicks him in the ribs and covers for 2. A couple of kneelifts. Front suplex onto the top rope and a cover for 2. Tajiri focuses his attack on Rey's ribs and uses a form of the abdominal stretch with a half nelson added to it. Another kick to the ribs and Rey grabs the top rope to stop the pin. Rey with a series of elbows, but another kick to the ribs and another 2 count for the challenger. Bodyscissors, and Rey's shoulders fall to the canvas for repeated 2 counts. This is old school, and I'm digging the hell out of it! Stomachbreaker for 2. Snap mare, and back to the bodyscissors. Tajiri rolls the champion onto his shoulders for 2. The crowd begins to rally behind Rey, who elbows out, but he gets met with another kick to the ribs. Rey finally comes back, cartwheels for no apparent reason, and hits a bulldog headlock for 2. Series of punches, and a springboard moonsault bodyblock after a Tajiri throw for 2. Tajiri with a wheelbarrow suplex for 2. Tajiri places Rey onto the turnbuckle and dropkicks him to the back of the head, then hits a Michinoku driver for 2. GO BACK TO THE RIBS! Rey is in a rana position, Tajiri tosses him off, and Rey avoids a kick that hits Brian Hebner flush in the face. Rey into the 619, but Tajiri avoids the West Coast Pop, and Rey walks into a superkick. Tajiri covers as Mike Sparks checks on Hebner, and the delay is just enough to allow Rey to kick out. Hard kick to the ribs, but Rey into the West Coast Pop...and Tajiri takes advantage of Sparks checking on Hebner to use the red mist before using the Buzzsaw Kick for the pin and the title at 14:40. They got away from the ribs late in the match, but other than that there was some terrific stuff here. ***1/2
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Just an excellent matchup between two great athletes here, and it builds both men up very well. Rey looks strong, as it took cheating on Tajiri's part to get the win, but Tajiri looks strong as hell with Hebner still being pretty much out cold about three minutes after eating one of Tajiri's kicks, as well as Rey's selling of each blow. OK, so he was moving around too well after all the pounding to the ribs late in the match, but screw it, I enjoyed it anyway!
Segment 7
Next Week: A Zach Gowen update. SMELL THE...oh, forget it.
From Philly, and the Fuji-TV broadcast team is here tonight!
Earlier this week in Washington, DC, WWE and hip hop joined forces for the SmackDown Your Vote campaign.
Your hosts remind us that SmackDown is UPN's highest rated show, and UPN is the number one network among ages 18-34. Whatever.
Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: The Brothers Basham (w/Shaniqua) vs. Jamie Noble (w/Nidia) and Bradshaw
Noble cuts a promo before the match to introduce that he paid Bradshaw to be his partner since Billy Gunn is injured. Well, they're trying. The match is just a clusterfuck from the get-go, as Noble takes Danny to the floor as Bradshaw works over Doug in the ring. Tag to Noble, and a reversed whip leads to Danny holding the rope down and Noble tumbling to the floor. Shaniqua works over Noble and sends him back to the ring. In the ring, it's a double flapjack and a double kip up, and Doug covers for 2. Half nelson with a chinlock. Noble fights back and gets a sunset flip for 1. Swinging neckbreaker, and both men down. Tag on each end, and of course, it's all Bradshaw. Vertical suplex. Hiptoss for Doug. Bradshaw works both men over. Last Call for Doug. Danny comes in with forearms, but misses a charge. Doug grabs a leg to prevent the Clothesline from Hell. On the floor, Nidia stands up to Shaniqua but gets a clothesline for her troubles. In the ring, the Bashams double team Bradshaw, but Bradshaw takes Danny down with the Clothesline from Hell. Shaniqua makes the save, and that gives the faces a DQ win at 4:18, but the brawl isn't over yet, as the Bashams actually get to do a beatdown and leaves the faces laying. *
Still to come, the US Title is on the line!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I dunno. I mean, this wasn't really bad or anything, but this just felt like it was kinda there, ya know? Not really much else to say except that this is apparently leading to the APA vs. the Basham Brothers, and the bright side to that is the APA won't be in the tag team title picture for a month or two.
Segment 8
Let's take a look at The Rock's movie premiere.
Hey Cole, if you're shaving the goatee, include that little bit underneath the bottom lip! You look like a gay French painter, for crying out loud!
Let's show highlights of the Ironman Match.
Here comes The Too Damn Big Show, just when I thought we weren't going to have to see him tonight. That's what I get for thinking.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Um...two segments left...a match and the title presentation...and The Big Show's in his wrestling gear and at the ring? Oh no...
Segment 9
One fall for the WWE United States Championship: Charlie Haas vs. Eddy Guerrero (champion)
The Big Show is doing commentary. Eddy's ribs are hurt but, surprisingly, not taped. Show walks to the back, but turns around and attacks Eddy, sending him ribs first into the ringpost. What the hell did Eddy do? Haas out to the floor to do stomping aplenty, and when we finally get to the ring, the bell rings. Back suplex for 2. Series of kicks to the ribs. Backdrop. Elbow to the back of the head. Haas misses Eddy and falls to the floor. Eddy tries to fight back when Haas reenters the ring and hits a dropkick, but he immediately favors the ribs. Spinebuster by Haas for 2. Backbreaker, and he holds it for an attempted submission. Eddy tries to break it with an eye rake, but it takes a headscissors to get out of it. Haas continues to attack Eddy, who's on the apron. Haas rams Eddy ribs first into the ringpost, and Eddy is down on the floor. Chavo comes out to check on Eddy, but Haas heads to the floor and punches Chavo. Haas rolls Eddy into the ring and covers, but the referees are trying to send Chavo to the back, enabling Eddy enough time to grab the bottom rope at 2. Haas of Pain. The crowd tries to rally behind Eddy, and Eddy somehow counters out of it. Eddy maneuvers Haas through the ropes to the floor. Haas grabs the title belt, and Mike Chioda takes it away from him. They argue, and Eddy grabs the belt. Haas tries to pull Eddy into the ring, but Chioda stops him. Haas tosses Chioda down as Eddy places the belt on the turnbuckle, and Haas charges, misses Eddy, and hits the belt. Eddy up top, and there's the frog splash, but Eddy favors the ribs and is slow to cover. He still gets the pin at 7:11. The belt shot is the ONLY reason I buy into the finish at all, but good psychology all around. **1/2
Up next, the title presentation, take 2.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Well, that's four matches tonight, three for titles, and all three title matches delivered with decent or better matches. The huge push for Eddy continues, and I know I said I was hoping Eddy would retain, but this could have been their out to get the US Title off of Eddy without hurting him too badly. Two different people sneak attack him, the ribs are nearly broken, and Eddy fights the odds to win? I guess the theory is "people love the underdog". I think it's just "people love Eddy Guerrero".
Segment 10
Well, shit, can we try this again? This time King Brock I does come out to the ring. Cole bitches that Lesnar cheated to win last week, and yet he was just praising Eddy Guerrero about four minutes ago for the same thing. That's right out of the Jim Ross playbook. Vince says Brock is the new face of SmackDown. An unrelenting, unforgiving, and unstoppable champion. Did Vince forget SummerSlam already? Vince congratulates Brock and hands him the belt before chanting "Speech". The crowd would rather chant "You tapped out". But it doesn't faze Brock, because he's the new WWE Champion. Brock thanks Vince for reminding him he's a monster. Secondly, last week he had that "parasite" Kurt Angle in the palm of his hand the entire match. After all, even getting disqualified didn't cost him the belt. And Vince was also right when he used the "unrelenting, unforgiving, and unstoppable" stuff in his intro. But someone's gonna take offense in the form of The Undertaker. I toyed with calling him "The Underelephant" after his "I never forget" speech last week, but that just looks too funky. Anyway, back to the interview segment. Last week, Taker didn't interfere in the title match because he respects the title too much. But he doesn't respect Brock Lesnar. After all, it was three weeks ago that Brock interfered when Taker had his shot at Angle. But Taker won't let that slide because he doesn't let anything slide. At all. Never. Nope. And he doesn't forgive or forget either. So enjoy the belt, Brock. Sleep with it. Have sex with it if you're physically capable of it, because the first defense for Brock is against Taker. But wait, says Vince. Who made that match? Why, Stephanie McBitch, that's who! After all, she's the GM, so she can make the main event at No Mercy. But Vince says it ain't gonna happen, and she's going to give her one chance to change her mind, or she'll be wrestling at No Mercy...against Vince McMahon. WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD FUCKING IDEA? (Who's got the microphone?) Point taken. Steph refuses to change her mind, and that sound was me throwing my cable box into the garbage so I don't mistakenly order that show. That match is now an "I Quit" Match, Vince calls Steph "a disrespectful little bitch", and Brock attacks Taker. Taker comes back and choke slams Brock.
END OF SHOW
Congratulations, WWE. You found a way to have one awful segment in a two hour program and make me hate the entire fucking show as a result. Way to fucking go! This is now five (or six) straight PPVs where non-wrestlers are competing on a show that you not only want me to pay for but expect me to pay for, and on top of that, you're giving a match based off an angle that everybody with half a goddamned brain told you to kill six fucking months ago. "But we listen to our fans." Yeah, and then you tell them that they don't know what the fuck they want, and you wonder why people aren't ordering your PPVs or going to your house shows. I'll tell you why. BECAUSE WE'RE TIRED OF BEING IGNORED! And we're showing you that with our wallets. So fuck you, Vince McMahon, and if this wasn't a McMahon family idea, then fuck whoever came up with it.
Overall...well, if you stop your tape at around the one hour 55 minute mark, then this was a great show featuring three pretty good matches, one bleh match, and some decent angle development. If you keep watching after the 1:55 mark, then this was an insult to the intelligence of anybody who actually watches wrestling for the wrestling and not the phony soap opera bullshit. I can watch Passions if I give a shit about that kind of thing, thank you very much. But if Passions is your show, go for it.
Until next time, you can check my archives (updated through last week's SmackDown) or just drop me a line.
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