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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (10/9/2003)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Oct 9, 2003, 21:20
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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (10/9/2003)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
No E-Mail of the Week this week.
Forums Quote of the Week: I fail to see how this justifies a riot after winning in the FIRST round.
OMG!!! YOU WON 3 GAMES- BURN THE CITY DOWN!!!
You shouldn't riot after winning anything but it's downright retarded to riot after winning in the first round.
You never see New York rioting after they win anything -Bob Barron
I hate to say it, but Bob does have a point there.
Plugs and other stuff: For those of you wondering why there was no on-site report for the UWC TV tapings this week, it boiled down to finances: I didn't have any. And they're likely to start adding more hours to my work schedule with the holidays coming up, so whether I attend their shows is likely to be decided on a week-by-week basis. Their big show for November 1 is a given, but other than that I'll be playing things by ear.
And before we get started tonight, I'm required by TSM law to remind you that we are looking for new recappers, particularly for the prime position of Raw recapper. Click here for information on how to apply. But this does give me the opportunity to plug a one-time only event here on TSM, as I will be bringing back Raw from JHawk's Beak for one night only with the November 3 edition of Raw in the form of an on-site report. My friend went and got floor seats for the show, and if you time your heckling properly, you can certainly piss off the "talent" from the comfort of the eleventh row. The show will probably suck, but it should be fun at any rate.
Tonight: Time Warner's digital cable preview advertises a "battle rap" between Kurt Angle and John Cena, but that's what they advertised last week as well, so I have no clue what's going on tonight. Hey, maybe Ultimo Dragon will wrestle tonight!
...
...
...
Nah!
And Zach Gowen makes his return tonight...and how he's healthy with one leg when Spanky isn't "healthy" with two (and an extra few weeks to heal) is beyond me.
Segment 1
Recap Vince vs. Steph. In depth. Rah.
Taped 10/07/2003 from the Civic Center in Hartford, Connecticut. Michael Coleslaw and Tazz bring you all the incredible action, including the battle rap some of us were promised last week. But first!
Why, it's Linda McMahon making her first SmackDown appearance in about two years. And she has the mic. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ... Things have always been bizarre with the McMahon family, but after what Shane did to Kane on Monday and Vince's bodyslam of Steph last week, they've never been more bizarre. And now this I Quit Match at No Mercy? Well, she can't talk any sense into Vince, but she'll try with Stephanie McBitch, who makes her way to the ring four hours before her appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live. She appreciates Linda coming here, and she didn't think Vince would go through with the match, but she won't let Vince win like this. And speak of the antichrist of professional wrestling, here comes Mr. McAsshole. Why am I begging for Mike Nelson and Tom Servo? What is Linda doing there? Trying to meddle in Vince's affairs again. Steph had her chance to back out. But now, she's still in the match even if she begs. He doesn't wanna do it, oh no, but Steph's gonna make Vince brutalize her. And when it happens, he'll have a clear conscience...basically because you need a conscience in order for it to be guilty. But he's forced to do it, much like he was forced to sire a second child. Linda calls the match unfair. After all, Steph could lose her job, but Vince has nothing at stake. Vince says he doesn't have to give up a damn thing, but Linda says he's afraid Steph can win. Nope, that's not it, sayeth Vince, but Vince will resign as Chairman of the Board if he loses...and here comes No Longer Able Sable to extend the segment. OK, Mumia Abu-Jamal doesn't get tortured like this and he's on death row, but by God, this segment's only gone 12 minutes so we must bring more people out to torture people who might actually want athletic competition but hate the fuking Yankees. Vince makes Sable say hi to Linda, and behind every great man is a great woman. Um...there's three women out there and I'm not seeing it. Sable offers to be in Vince's corner at No Mercy. Linda says she's not surprised, as Sable offers her services freely to everyone. Sable cheap shots Linda, Steph charges Sable, and Vince attacks Steph. Linda checks on Steph as Vince says "She made me do it."
COMMERCIAL BREAK
We have past the 15 minute mark of this show, and we haven't had one wrestler come out on the show yet. So explain to me what the hell we're accomplishing. "But Vince might quit. Steph might quit." Yeah, we've seen them both lose their jobs via match stipulations before, and THEY'RE STILL ON MY FUCKING TV! Do me one favor. If these are official stips, stick to them. As in keep the loser off my TV forever. No exceptions, no takebacks, just go through with a stipulation for once in your lives. And send Sable out to pasture with the loser while you're at it.
Segment 2
And in case you haven't flipped to the baseball playoffs, here's a replay to force the channel to change.
Rey Misterio Jr. comes out for commentary. This can't be right. A wrestler? On a wrestling show? Before the one hour mark? I'm in Bizarro World!
Non-Title Contest scheduled for one fall: Tajiri (Cruiserweight Champion) vs. Ultimo Dragon
HOLY SHIT! Ultimo Dragon! On SmackDown! Non-title to protect Rey Misterio's title shot at No Mercy. Wow, that makes two matches for that PPV that might not suck. Blocked kicks lead to a wrestling sequence. Elbows and forearms by Tajiri, but he handsprings into a spinning back kick. Quickly to the floor, and quickly into the Asai moonsault by the man who invented the move. Back into the ring, and Ultimo covers for 2. Ultimo gets caught and dropped throat-first on the top rope, and Tajiri takes control. Tilt-a-whirl is blocked and countered with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Ultimo. Michinoku Driver by Tajiri for 2. Ultimo blocks a Tarantula and takes Tajiri down with an inverted wheelbarrow power bomb. Huge kick by Tajiri to knock Ultimo down, then the Buzzsaw Kick for the pin at a criminally short 3:11. ** Tajiri's not done. Another Buzzsaw Kick sets Ultimo up against the ropes, presumably for the 610, and Rey charges the ring. Drop toehold has Tajiri in position...619! Rey leaves and signals for the belt.
Josh Mathews asks Steph how she and Linda are. They're fine, but Linda is now in Steph's corner at No Mercy.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Well, the thrill of seeing Ultimo Dragon make a SmackDown appearance is cut short because the cruiserweights aren't as important as the fighting McMahon family. Excellent while it lasted, and it's nice to see that they're at least trying to give some sort of build-up to the Cruiserweight Title Match at No Mercy, but how are we supposed to expect that match to get the proper time to be the show stealer it should be when they can barely give them a five minute segment (including the intros) on the free show?
Segment 3
Time for something else that isn't wrestling, as The Undertaker rides his motorcycle to the ring. A nice hand for Taker, and he has the mic and says Vince is starting to get nervous because he knows his "boy" Brock is getting beat at No Mercy. The FBI is on their way, and Taker has a friend to help him out...a chain.
Handicap Match scheduled for one fall: The Undertaker vs. Chuck Palumbo (w/The Full Blooded Italians)
Taker quickly locks in a side headlock. And he outpowers Palumbo. Arm wringer, shoulderdrives, and quickly into Old School. Johnny Stamboli with a distraction, and Palumbo gets some right hands in. He misses a charge into the corner, and Taker punches away at Palumbo. Running Snake Eyes followed by a big boot, and there's the choke slam...no, it's punches for Stamboli and Nunzio. Palumbo's superkick is blocked, and this time the Choke Slam does happen. Taker wins by pin at 2:03, and here comes King Brock I to jump start a 4-on-1 beating. But Taker grabs his chain and fights off four men. FOUR! Taker looks strong, Brock does nothing, and the FBI looks worse than they did around WrestleMania XIX. Oh yeah, the match sucked too. DUD
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Heaven forbid somebody actually look good against Taker. I mean, I understand why Taker needs to look strong, since he does have a title shot coming up and all, but do people need to look like they don't even belong among Ohio Valley Wrestling's top tier in order to do that? Job some local guys off if that's the idea. Make your signed talent look at least somewhat competent.
Segment 4
Another replay just in case you were watching baseball (and God, I hope you were watching baseball).
Vince and Sable watch the replay on a monitor, and in comes Paul F'N London looking for a match tonight. Vince grants him one tonight against Brock Lesnar. So much for London's push. But it is a title match, so that's a hell of an opportunity. "Paul London: WWE Champion. That has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?" Yes, it does. Which is why we'll never see it.
And here comes The Too Damn Big Show, who passes some backstage workers who are eating burritos. Hilarity ensues in the form of a beatdown.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Well, we can guarantee one thing and safely assume another. The guarantee? Paul London cannot become WWE Champion tonight. The assumption? London joins Spanky and Zach Gowen on Lesnar's injured list. But Gowen is supposed to return tonight, so maybe London might not be "injured". Does it matter if you've killed his credibility before he gets a chance though?
Segment 5
Earlier today, Zach Gowen arrived at the Civic Center and got plenty of handshakes and hugs.
One fall: The Too Damn Big Show vs. O-Town Jordan
Show gets his shot at the U.S. Title at No Mercy, ending the streak of kick-ass U.S. Title matches. This is a rematch of last week's "Eddy Guerrero's Revenge" episode. And Show's gonna waste no time, as he simply mauls Jordan the second the bell rings. Beell, followed by a boot choke. Jordan tries to come back and gets a dropkick, but Show comes back with a clothesline. Show charges, but Jordan dropkicks the knee. But he runs into the Too Damn Big Boot. Choke Slam, pin, 1:37. Yawn. DUD
Backstage, Josh Mathews interviews Eddy Guerrero, who asks if he's worried about The Big Show's revenge. But Eddy will just give him a burrito and send him on his way. He has family everywhere, including Hartford, so if Show tries anything, things will get stinky around here. But you bet your ass that Eddy is nervous, and he doesn't like putting the title up at No Mercy, but he believes in himself. David and Goliath. Jack and the Beanstalk. Eddy and The Big Show, who just happens to toss Eddy into the set at will.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Is there anything I can say that changes the fact that we've had exactly 6:51 of wrestling in the first hour of the program? Or that changes the fact that The Big Show's push is almost certainly leading to the changing of the US Title in ten days? Or that changes the fact that I'm asking rhetorical questions in a feeble attempt to make you think I care enough to analyze that segment? If you paid to see this show in Hartford and all you got of Eddy was a backstage beatdown, I'd pretend to be a Chicago Limp Bizkit fan and sue for your money back.
Segment 6
On tape from Hartford, and the Battle Rap is next! Things have been heating up between them, so their No Mercy match is now official...but you want a wrestling match? Wait another segment, as it's battle rap time, according to your host, Tazz! Please be entertaining, please be entertaining, please be entertaining... John Cena makes his way to the ring and says Angle has less street cred than Michael Cole. And here comes My Olympic Hero. Here are the rules. Each guy gets to rap, and the fans pick the winner. Yeah, because the fans are always impartial in these contests. Cena starts, claiming Angle can't wrap a Christmas gift and couldn't win a bronze medal in the Special Olympics. Oh, and Angle has no balls. He flips Angle off in order to use "fuck you" as his self-censorship finish. Angle's turn, but he admits that aside from the last line, that was pretty good. Angle concedes defeat but decides to tell a story. A story about a white guy who thinks he's black. Angle tries to rhyme "trash" and "ass". If you haven't figured it out, Angle's story is about Cena, and he ends it with a clothesline to begin the beatdown. How very babyface-like. Cena uses the microphone to gain the upperhand (Cole calls it a "cheap shot" even though he thought the clothesline was cool as all hell. Is he channeling Jim Ross or something?), and Cena begins to target Angle's ribs. Angle counters the FU with a series of rolling German suplexes. Cena avoids the Ankle Lock and hightails it.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
God, I was hoping that if nothing else that would be humorous. I'm pleasantly surprised that it was somewhat serious, and I'm even more surprised that so far this isn't the only build up for a No Mercy match that didn't feel forced. I don't know if anybody wants to see this match anymore after that one though.
Segment 7
Remember Brock taking out Zach Gowen? If not, here's the clips, followed by clips of Zach's Confidential piece. We're so afraid that wrestling matches might take place tonight that we're actually recycling footage in order to avoid having them!
One fall: Shannon Moore v.0.75 (w/Matt Hardy v.1.0) vs. Zach Gowen
Matt Facts: "Matt is not afraid to eat alone in public" and "Matt likes Portabella mushrooms". Matt joins the broadcast team. Short wrestling sequence that ends with Moore slapping Gowen and Gowen dropkicking Moore. Flying elbow for 2. Moore with an elbow and a backdrop into the turnbuckle. Moore stomps away. Vertical suplex as Hardy continues the pre-SummerSlam angle about Gowen getting hype because he's missing a leg. Moore with a single-leg to flip Gowen out of the corner, and a cover gets 2. Gowen rolls away from a corner charge and hits a springboard leg lariat. Inverted Russian legsweep for 2. Swinging neckbreaker, and Hardy leaves the table...to get met with a baseball slide. Moore with a school boy for 2 (that was the finish in their first meeting), and up to the turnbuckle they go. The sequence ends with Gowen "hitting" a flying DDT, but when he climbs to the top rope, Hardy shoves him off, and Gowen crashes hard to the mat. A floatover swinging neckbreaker gives Moore the pin at 4:35. Wow, we actually pushed five minutes for a match! **1/4
The Undertaker leaves Steph's office, and he's chuckling. He must have seen Steph's boobs or something.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Hey, a decent match! That makes two in 80 minutes! Granted, that's still better than Raw most weeks, but in general, that's not good for SmackDown. As far as the match goes, I'm undecided as to whether I like the fact they're continuing the Hardy-Gowen storyline or not. On the one hand, it shows continuity, something the WWE creative team usually lacks. On the other hand, this can only end with Gowen eventually pinning Hardy, and Matt's gotten too over to justify that.
Segment 8
At No Mercy, it's Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker for the WWE Title. Rey Misterio Jr. vs. Tajiri for the Cruiserweight Title. Eddy Guerrero vs. The Big Show for the US Title. Kurt Angle vs. John Cena. Chris Benoit vs. A-Train. Vince McMahon (w/Sable) vs. Stephanie McMahon (w/Linda McMahon) in an "I Quit" match. Get rid of that last one and it might not suck, but the last match is on the card, so we get ANOTHER GODDAMNED RECAP of the opening segment. I still don't give a flying fuck.
Six Man Tag Team Match scheduled for one fall: Chris BeNOIT and the APA vs. A-Train and The Brothers Basham
No Shaniqua after last week's Clothesline from Hell. The Bashams attack the APA from behind with chairs before things ever get started, so Benoit goes outside and attacks the Bashams. A-Train then attacks Benoit from behind, and we have a brawl in the aisle. In the ring, and Doug covers Bradshaw just as the bell rings and gets a 2 count. Tag to Danny, and we have a 3-on-1 brawl in the corner. Elbowdrop by Danny for 2. Tag to A-Train, and the rout continues. Vader Bomb for 2. Trainers check on Faarooq as Doug locks Bradshaw in a reverse chinlock. Bradshaw with elbows, but a hair pull takes him down. Bradshaw comes back from a double team and hits a Clothesline from Hell, but A-Train prevents the hot tag...but not for long. Benoit keeps all three men at bay. German suplexes for A-Train. Sharpshooter, but Doug makes the save. Another Sharpshooter, and Doug taps, but he's not legal. A-Train avoids a Crippler Crossface and hits the Train Wreck for the pin at 3:43. Well, A-Train finally got that win over Benoit. * Postmatch, the Bashams take Bradshaw down with the Ball and Gag.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Depending on Faarooq's status, I'm assuming we can add the APA against the Basham Brothers to the No Mercy lineup. And hopefully now that A-Train got a win over Benoit, they can do the right thing and give Benoit the victory at No Mercy before moving him into a program for something better. Blah match despite the fact that I actually like most of the guys out there, but four minutes is never enough time to tell a real story in a six man tag team match.
Segment 9
One fall for the WWE Championship: King Brock I (champion) vs. Paul F'N London
Um...this is going 20 minutes? Why do I doubt that? Brock has the stick, and he understands that it's because of London that he has to defend the title tonight. He doesn't like that, but respects London for having the balls to face him. A "you tapped out" chant as Brock suckers London into the ring for a "closer look" at the belt. He'll even let London touch the belt. How very gracious. Right until the cheap ass clothesline. There's the bell. Backbreaker. And another one. There's Brock running London into the turnbuckles. High angle power bomb. F5. Cover, pin at 1:33. I expected a squash and not much in the way of offense from London, but I did expect a dropsault if nothing else. DUD Postmatch, Brock tosses London to the floor. He wants the F5 to the ringpost, but Spanky makes the save. This makes no sense if you follow Ring of Honor at all. It's also futile, as Brock tosses him arounf until The Undertaker makes his way to ringside. Sorry to spoil your fun, Brock, but he's got something to say. See, Taker just left Steph's office, and there are a couple of changes for No Mercy. It's still Brock vs. Taker for the WWE Title, but now it's a "biker chain match". Oh hell. Chain matches almost always suck.
Let's relive The Big Show's attack of Eddy Guerrero earlier tonight. Then cut to Josh Mathews, who catches Chavito Guerrero leaving Eddy's side. He claims Show won't get away with it.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Like I said, no surprises here with the exception that London could have at least gotten a couple of fluke moves in. Now he comes off to Joe Everyfan as being your typical everyday jobber. At least Spanky came back, thus preventing the Gowen returns before Spanky logic gap. Now the bigger question: Who the hell thought a chain match was a good idea?
And why the hell are we doing a Chavo-Big Show segment in the final segment when we've already had the WWE Title Match? Am I missing something here?
Segment 10
Chavo is in the ring, and he's calling The Big Show out. So if he has any juevos (that's Spanish for balls), he can bring his fat ass out here. Show comes out, but he's already dressed to the nines, so nothing Chavo says can draw him to the ring. Chavo: "Where are you going? The used car lot?" Or maybe he's just chicken. Well, Show's coming to the ring...
One fall: Chavito Guerrero vs. The Too Damn Big Show
Off goes the jacket, and we're underway. Chavo immediately leaves the ring. And he gets counted out at :43. What the fuck was that? DUD Chavo waves toward the back, and here comes Eddy riding a sewage truck. For the love of God, NO! Eddy said "Don't mess with me", but if that's the way he wants it, his cousin showed up with this truck. Eddy explains what a sewage truck is and says he's gonna...oh, like you haven't figured this one out. Referee Mike Sparks is the only one smart enough to leave the ring. Oh, there goes Show. And Chavo uses a trip wire to knock Show down so that Eddy can use the hose. Well, that explains the odd placement of the segment: No delaying the taping for cleanup. The crowd starts a "holy shit" chant in an attempt to be funny. The crowd sells the smell.
END OF SHOW
Oh my God, is this the worst ending to a wrestling show not involving a McMahon ever? I mean, what the hell is the point of this? This is the kind of segment that belongs on Raw and only on Raw. Actually, this doesn't even belong on Raw. Hell, this segment doesn't even belong on Passions. It was that bad. And this makes people want to pay to see that match...how, exactly?
My overall thoughts? Oh my God, did this show suck. Two matches that barely hit the ** mark, nothing five minutes or longer, and so much stuff that had absolutely nothing to do with anything except somebody's sick idea of what's "funny". What happened to my good little wrestling show with all the crap (no pun intended) left to Raw? We got shitty buildup to a PPV that already looks weak on paper, we got so much of the McMahons that my eyes and ears are starting to bleed, and we got so little wrestling that I can only remember the lineup because I'm scrolling up to refresh my memory. The strong suit of SmackDown is wrestling, so stick to wrestling. For the love of God, stick to wrestling!
Send me your feedback and check my archives, but for the love of God don't swim in the sewage. Or watch this show. Eh, same thing.
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