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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (10/30/2003)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Oct 30, 2003, 21:16
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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (10/30/2003)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
E-Mail of the Week: Jonas Fairfield checked in this week to give his take on SmackDown's current direction.
Love the recaps; you are indeed brave for sitting and watching something many of us have given up on.
I really felt the pain of watching a company that can do better do worse. Sad, isn't it? Now, after the ho-hum McMahon main event, we get: another ho-hum, McMahon main event. Is there even the most remote possibility that we can get 2 wrestlers in there? The sad part is, not only is this bad enough for the smackdown! side, RAW may actually do better on their offering for Survivor series. Ironically enough, there was already a burial; the credibility of Lesnar and Big Show. Also sad, because this is one of the few times I actually saw a reason for Big Show to be around in any way, shape, or form. And now, they get to be the bitches of the evil empire that we're all tired of seeing.
I've actually heard on some places on the net (take that for what it's worth) that the WWE is trying hard to go back to the "old style" of wrestling. A good suggestion would be to first, have NO MANAGEMENT WHATSOEVER. Seriously. It marrs the ability of the heels to get over all by the badness of their character and instead, have their heat taken away by someone just because they are biased towards one side or because way back in 1997/98, they feuded with someone the fans liked. Then again, that would mean that maybe, just maybe, some of the hosses and the good ol boys, who have as much heat as a popsicle, would have to let new blood be pushed.
I miss the days when wrestlers got by on their own heat alone. Shouldn't it be enough that Lesnar is a monster, and isn't it good enough for Taker to have the odds against him just by a Handicap match alone? And if Heyman is going to interfere, why not do it the good old fashioned way- Actual physical interference? That to me is less bullshit, it's over quicker, it still gives Lesnar and Show SOME heat, and in my eyes, establishes Heyman as a bit more sinister than just barking out changes to the match on the fly. And hey; if nothing else, doing so would expose the wrestlers who are jinxing the product, take the blame off the McMahons (I don't want them on tv in any way, shape or form) and actually do what needs to be done; letting those who know how it's done do it. I would keep Bischoff and Heyman around, but who says they can't be managers? Tell Stone Cold to take a hike or announce or something. And let the people who can get heat get it, and the others? Well, let them go to OVW and find out how to do so.
But hey, what do I know? I'm just a fan.
Thanks for listening to me bitch.
Well, Jonas, you listen to me bitch every Thursday night/Friday morning, so it's the least I can do to return the favor, right? But if they truly want to get the show back to old style wrestling, the first step would be to have less talking and more action. That would mean getting the McMahons off TV by default.
No Forums Quote of the Week this week, as outside of the end of the World Series I wasn't on that much to make a true determination.
Here Comes the Pain: I've been playing SmackDown: Here Comes the Pain at pretty much every opportunity, and thus far I've got it as slightly better than last year's "Shut Your Mouth". It's a bit better on the gameplay (I'm digging the new submission engine) and the elimination chamber is very fun. My lone gripe so far is that I don't want to feud with Vince McMahon but didn't get the option of just letting the feud die after winning the cage match at Bad Blood. How about a third option to go with "punish by stomping" or "punish with a chair": "Don't do anything."
Tonight: Um...who cares? Vince will probably bitch at Heyman for forcing him to wrestle at Survivor Series, and rather than keep that short and to the point, they'll extend to 20 minutes and keep Ultimo Dragon off the show as usual.
Segment 1
Last week, the new GM tried to screw The Undertaker, but Taker buried the top two heels in the company in order to get a match against Vince McMahon at Survivor Series.
We are taped 10/28/2003 from Atlanta's new arena. Michael Coleslaw and Tazz are here to call all the action.
Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: My Olympic Hero and Chris BeNOIT vs. John Cena and Ape Train
Now added to Survivor Series: Kurt Angle's Team vs. Brock Lesnar's Team in a Survivor Series match. This is a rematch from last week ordered by the new GM, since Kurt and Chris fought each other instead of their opponents to force a no contest. Cena cuts a freestyle to imply a homosexual relationship between Benoit and Angle. And he compares A-Train to Chewbacca.
Benoit and Cena start. Benoit into a headlock. Off the ropes, shoulderblock. Backslide for 2. Cena tries to turn it into a brawl but gets hiptossed over. Forearms and chops and a tag to Angle. Vertical suplex for 2. Elbowsmash for 2. Cena rakes the eyes and tags in A-Train. Angle avoids a clothesline and hits the German, and he clotheslines Cena for good measure...only to run into a clothesline by A-Train. Backbreaker and a Vader bomb for 2. Series of knees to the midsection.. Turnbuckle smash and a tag to Cena, who punches away at Angle. Elbowsmash for 2. Cena draws Benoit into the ring, but Angle hooks in the ankle lock. In comes A-Train just long enough for Cena to clothesline Angle. Angle comes back with a DDT. Tag on each side, and Benoit is on fire. Benoit with a flying clothesline. Cover for 2. Release German. Up top...but he misses the Swan Dive Headbutt. Bicycle kick. Angle in to Angle Slam A-Train. Cena hits the F-U to Angle. One for Benoit is blocked, and Benoit chops away. A-Train charges but misses and hits Cena, and it's rolling Germans from Benoit. This time the Swan Dive Headbutt connects for the pin at 6:36. See how much better a match is when it has an actual finish? **1/2 Benoit and Angle shake hands. But this time Cena and A-Train argue. A-Train shoves Cena, then piefaces him, so Cena kicks him low. And it's and F-U for A-Train! Wow! I guess Cena's made that face turn.
Mr. McAsshole is backstage, and he is PISSED! You'd think someone just told him the XFL folded or something. He's in Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman's office, and he's blaming Heyman for the Survivor Series match happening. "How could you do this to me?" Um...you stealing his ideas for seven years has nothing to do with it? Heyman wants Vince to calm down, but nothing doing. Vince claims there's not going to be an Undertaker for that match, because he GUARANTEES Taker will be carried out. Heyman says that won't happen because Taker has the night off. And based on what he's capable of, he doesn't have to show up until Survivor Series. Vince promises terrorism, kidnapping, and rape if Taker doesn't show up. That's great for the public image there, Vince. He also threatens to choke Heyman to death.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
The surprise of all surprises is that they opened with a match, and even more surprising was how they started with a match that was actually pretty decent. Cena turning face may or may not work depending on which way they take it, but it was certainly a better idea than turning either Angle or Benoit with a heel WWE Champion. As far as the Vince-Heyman interaction goes, you have to wonder why they even bother having a general manager on SmackDown, as no matter what happens Vince will either overrule him or make him feel like crap for making any type of decision.
Segment 2
Tonight, Torrie and Dawn Marie meet in a Trick or Treat Costume Contest. I hate these holiday shows.
And speaking of Torrie Wilson, she's just gotten out of the shower and is apparently picking out her costume.
Chris Benoit is backstage, and Angle follows him. They haven't always seen eye-to-eye, but they're unstoppable when they do, so Angle asks him to be on his Survivor Series team. Benoit says he could take Angle's head off, but Angle's willing to take the risk. Count him in. They're not friends, but Angle wants a win, not a friend.
Heyman carefully goes into Vince's office, and he has nothing for Vince. Bad move, Paul. Vince says he'll keep his word and choke Heyman in the ring. And when he's dead, he'll fire him. Paul says fine. From Steve Austin to Paul Heyman, Zach Gowen, and Stephanie McMahon? Please! Heyman wants to work with the Vince McMahon who eliminated the competition. The one who stood up to a federal indictment. Where's the ruthless aggression? Taker probably will beat him unless the old Vince McMahon shows up. What happened to that Vince McMahon?
COMMERCIAL BREAK
OK, that's why Paul Heyman's your general manager. A terrific promo by Heyman that just made me far more interested in how this angle plays out than I ever would have been if it was simply Stephanie McMahon trying to do the exact same thing. That's the kind of promo that can sell a ticket (or add a PPV buy), and Heyman is awesome at that kind of promo. The match will still suck, but at least it's building up somewhere now. And it gives the added dimension to Heyman that yes, he'll manipulate people, but he'll still stand up for himself and take no shit from anybody, including the boss.
Segment 3
Your hosts say it's very eerie how things are turning out tonight. They hype the hell out of Heyman's promo, then they hype the previous weekend's house shows.
Tajiri and his "newfound friends" go to the broadcast table. Tajiri gives the name of his faction in Japanese (I think. I don't speak Japanese).
One fall: Rey Misterio Jr. vs. Ultimo Dragon
Fuck yeah...give this ten minutes! You'd think Rey Rey would be making sure his house didn't burn down rather than tour the circuit. Wrestling sequence to start. Cruiserweight moveset #3 ends with a Dragon shoulderblock. Mysterio with a springboard bodyblock for 2. Kicks by Ultimo and a cover for 2. Rey comes back with a satellite headscissors. Dropkick to the knee. Flip floppy bulldog headlock for 2. Counter sequence ends with Rey's drop toehold, but Ultimo avoids the 619. Kick to the ribs on Rey's West Coast Pop attempt. Rey avoids the Asai DDT by sending Ultimo into Brian Hebner, and Tajiri kicks Rey from behind to enable Dragon to get the pin at 2:40. Well, that was disappointing. *1/2 Tajiri and company are in the ring, and Tajiri bows to Dragon, who walks off.
King Brock I and The Too Damn Big Show bitch about who's at fault for losing last week's handicap match. Show: "You're the one who told me to go to the top rope like I'm some kind of damned cruiserweight!" A technician comes in and says Heyman wants to see them.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Good while it lasted, but way too freaking short. Where it was effective was they were building up to a future Rey-Tajiri match, as well as building to whether Dragon will join Tajiri's stable or not. That's fine. But to give that match away for free and then not give it enough time to mean anything? Eh, whatever.
Segment 4
Confidential will have a feature on Stu Hart this week.
Paul Heyman brings Nathan Jones and...um...some guy...to the ring with him. Heyman's not going to waste time or money on his SmackDown, so he introduces us to Jones (complete with backstory and history with Taker), and then to the other guy, Matt Morgan. He was the guy who got hurt on Tough Enough 2, if you don't remember. Heyman compares Morgan to Brock Lesnar. And now he'll call out Brock Lesnar, and here he comes. Brock hasn't forgotten about Paul. "You think I'm stupid, Paul?" You want an answer? Heyman just wanted to talk business. But Brock won't go in the ring without The Big Show, and here he comes. Brock wants the stooges to back off. Brock hates Heyman's guts and always has, but he's willing to talk business. Just do it fast. But since Brock is a captain at Survivor Series...who made him a captain? Heyman did. And in fact, Show, Morgan, and Jones will all be on his team. Shouldn't Brock pick his own partners? Well, Brock's OK with that, but two people have told Heyman that Brock and Show suck, so those two meet Brock and Show tonight. They are...wait for it...the APA. Bradshaw main events? And stop saying "fine and dandy", Brock. Brock asks how he can trust Heyman, but Heyman says not to trust him, but his greed. And here are four members of Team Lesnar at Survivor Series. A lot of size and power...but only one actual wrestler thus far.
Orlando Jordan and Paul London get their game of Here Comes the Pain interrupted by Dawn Marie showing off her costume.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
And here I thought they'd realized that the Nathan Jones experiment failed miserably. Looks like I was wrong. Or they already forgot. Hey, I'm all for bringing some new faces into the scene, but shouldn't such a high profile spot go to some people who have actually been on the active roster for a little while? You can probably pencil in A-Train for that fifth spot, and probably the APA and John Cena for Angle's team...and that's going to be an odd mix of superstars if that happens.
Segment 5
Hardcore Holly once again vows to end Brock Lesnar's career.
SmackDown's NUMBAH ONE Announcah (dressed like "Undercover Brother") hosts our costume contest. Torrie Wilson is dressed as a Playboy bunny (ooo, what a stretch). But she does have one hell of a tail. Dawn Marie is dressed Wonder Woman. And speaking of great tails... *cough* ANYWAY! The crowd gets to pick the winner. And as usual, they get 30 seconds to dance. Cole during Wilson's dance: "I've got cotton mouth." The crowd picks Torrie based on bias rather than the actual outfits. But part two of our contest: Bobbing for Apples. Ten bucks says Dawn takes the tumble. That's OK though. I like the wet look. Eh, never mind, it's chocolate. Nice camera angle of Torrie getting ready, but Dawn asks to go first. But Funaki has to take her high heels off first. And she gets completely into the tub...and takes her top off. Homina homina homina. Tazz comes in and says that's the treat, but he suggests showing Funaki the trick. So Torrie seduces him, rips off the hippie shirt...and shoves Tazz into the tub. And Tazz didn't even lose the glasses. Tazz got tricked instead. See, that's supposed to be funny.
Brock and Show vs. The APA tonight.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
This has nothing to do with wrestling and everything to do with titilation. And if that's all you care about, good for you, because this was your segment. But a bit of me is saddened this evening, as the Tazz I know would have snapped and put about 16 people in the Tazzmission after being tricked like that. How the mighty have fallen.
Segment 6
Hype video for Ernest Miller. Oh fuck.
John Cena is ready to leave, but Brock congratulates Cena, because he thinks (but isn't sure) that Cena is his fifth man. But isn't it his choice?
Survivor Series promo video.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Damn, that's like the commercial after the kickoff following a touchdown in an NFL game. Just a way to kill the flow of the show. At any rate, I stand by my prediction that Cena is on Angle's team until they prove me wrong.
Segment 7
Tazz asks if there's any chocolate on him, then gives Cole a Halloween hug.
Chavito Guerrero is still berating Eddy Guerrero for losing the Tag Team Titles last week, as that let the entire family down. "Don't you love me, man?" Chavo says Eddy's sinking low, just like he did when he was on drugs. So he says Eddy owes the people a public apology. Here's the clip of last week's tag team title match.
In-ring promo time, as Eddy Guerrero makes his way to the ring. Did they take "Wrestling" out of the company name and forget to tell four million viewers? Hude "Eddy" chant. Chavo wants a public apology? Well, he's right. Eddy has a lot to be sorry for. Losing two titles in one week. Letting Chavo down. Letting the race down. Letting the family down. So he apologizes. He wants to give his all, and if he hasn't, he apologizes. Another "Eddy" chant. Just put the title on him already! But the drugs and alcohol crack hurt him. "This is not a game for me, ese. This is not a match. This is life." One guy tells Eddy he sucks, and he says he deserves that. But he can't understand how Chavo can bring something like that up. Maybe Eddy is in a weak state. But Chavo bringing that up brings back a lot of memories, including what he did when he was in that hole. He didn't get out by feeling sorry for himself. But he holds on to the words of his father, Gory Guerrero, who said it's not what you do on top, but what you do when you're on the bottom. He's got faith in being a champion again and in being a tag team champion with Chavo again. And here comes Shaniqua and her implants to ruin the segment. He warns her that she'll feel his Latino Heat if she enters the ring. It's all a setup for The Brothers Basham to run in and attack Eddy, but Eddy clears the ring. Where's Chavo? Back suplexes for everybody. He goes to frog splash Shaniqua, but Danny prevents it, and now the numbers are back in the Bashams' favor...and still no Chavo. Chavo finally gets out there once the beating's essentially over.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I have mixed feelings about the segment. I like the fact that Eddy's character is seemingly becoming much more serious, as it could lead to a World Title run. I don't like the fact that they're going to use his real-life battle with drugs and alcohol as his motivation for it. If this leads to a serious main event run for Eddy, then no problem. If it doesn't, then why bring it up at all? And they're teasing Chavo's heel turn, which makes what, three times tonight that they've teased a turn? Does the entire roster have to turn at once?
Segment 8
The trainer checks on Eddy, and Eddy flags down Heyman. He wants a rematch with the Bashams next week. But before that, Heyman wants them to earn their title shot by winning a non-title match next week...but it's Eddy wrestling a handicap match. Sure, NOW we have to earn our title shots.
Josh Mathews interviews Kurt Angle about Brock's team. Jones and Morgan are enormous, but he likes his team's chances. But Angle just got off the phone with Hardcore Holly, and he's the new member of the team. And the other two members are over there. Not the two guys scratching themselves, but The APA. Bradshaw tells Angle to take his drink of choice and get ready to watch the main event.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Um...so John Cena won't be on either team? That's...um...interesting. And before you say "But they're hyping Cena to be on the heel team," that's exactly what they want you to say. Cena will probably get passed over for Brock's team, which will probably lead straight to a Cena face turn. It's rather cookie cutter, but it's also subtle enough that some people will be surprised by it.
Do you realize we're at one hour without a match right now? They'd better do better than this at Raw on Monday night, because I didn't pay $40 a ticket for Monday's show to watch people talk.
Segment 9
Tazz: "Hey Cole. Chococate? Sucks. I hate it."
Here's the hype for the Survivor Series lineup. The Undertaker said earlier today that he's been asked "Was the beating worth it" and "Why Vince?" Sometimes you have to take the beatings to get what you want. Did he watch the same match I did? But why Vince? Because Taker wants the title, and Vince himself said that would never happen as long as Vince was breathing. So Vince unintentionally came up with the idea himself. He dug his own grave, if you will.
Tag Team Main Event scheduled for one fall: King Brock I (WWE Champion) and The Too Damn Big Show (WWE United States Champion) vs.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Look at the bright side. This match won't last very long.
Segment 10
Tag Team Main Event scheduled for one fall: King Brock I (WWE Champion) and The Too Damn Big Show (WWE United States Champion) vs. The APA
Brock and Bradshaw start, and Brock gets the advantage early. Bradshaw reverses a whip and hits a series of forearms. Football tackle. Elbow. Brock knocks Bradshaw into the corner and tags in Show. Forearm to the back. Headbutt. Show telegraphs a backdrop and gets leveled by Bradshaw, but Bradshaw walks into a side slam for 2. Slaps to the chest. Cole hypes how much weight will be on Brock's team at Survivor Series. Tazz: "Thank you, Rain Man." Faarooq tags in and tries shoulderblocks, but can't knock Show down. One shot knocks Faarooq down, and in comes Bradshaw to hit the Clothesline from Hell. Faarooq covers for 2 as Bradshaw and Brock battle on the floor. Brock in with a chair for the DQ at 3:11, and they try to take Faarooq out of Survivor Series early. DUD The chair placed over the knee, and Show goes off the second rope with a legdrop. That was impressive considering it was nowhere near the chair. They try the same thing to Bradshaw, and Angle and Benoit run out. Angle with the Angle Slam to Show, and now it's a Crippler Crossface to Brock and an ankle lock to Show. Morgan and Jones interfere now, and they lay out the faces. There's the celebration by the heels.
END OF SHOW
And this is how they end up every November. Both teams get involved leading into the Survivor Series, and it ends with a colossal brawl. Now you question whether Faarooq will be able to compete at the PPV, and that would leave an open slot for a jilted Cena to join up with Angle when A-Train officially becomes the fifth member of Brock's team.
Overall, allow me to say something good about this show. There was some solid build up for future events here, which is the main thing your TV shows are supposed to do. And it was a fairly entertaining show, as the two hours actually flew by pretty quickly. That being said, there is no excuse for only having three matches in a two hour show. No excuse at all. Velocity has more matches than that with about 55 minutes less time, and they're usually of as good (if not better) quality than what we got here tonight. It still says wrestling on the marquee...but as long as we worry more about sports ENTERTAINMENT than SPORTS entertainment, you'll probably fool people into thinking otherwise. We had what, 13 minutes of wrestling tonight? And they wonder why the so-called "smart" fans don't like their show.
Until the weekend and the double shot of on-site reports, send me some feedback and check out the archives.
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