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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (11/13/2003)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Nov 13, 2003, 21:19
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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (11/13/2003)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
OK guys, I'm going to make this quick so you guys can get right to it. No E-Mail of the Week or Forums Quote of the Week this week due to time constraints on my part. I've worked more hours the last ten days than I have in about three years, and to top it all off, the power completely went out while I was putting up a recap of this week's UWC TV taping, so I haven't done anything online in about three days. So the UWC report will get put up within the next 48 hours (much later than I intended, but it couldn't be helped), and everything else gets forsaken this week due to time constraints.
One mini-rant before we get going. Most of you will probably have no idea what I'm talking about, but the Ohioans in attendance might agree with me. What is with those stupid fucking "Stand" commercials?
Basically, "Stand" is a group of Ohio teenagers that are similar to the truth.com group in that they want to put an end to smoking. Which is OK, I guess. But over the last few months or so, they've been airing these commercials where these kids have had like 6,000 people sign petitions to MTV because people smoke on the air. Yeah, because Heaven forbid that a network that has a show called "The Real World" would show people doing something that actually takes place in the real world. What's next, a movement to make sure the Playboy Channel never shows naked breasts? Or a petition to NBC to actually let a TV show get more than three weeks to find an audience?
Tonight: Los Guerreros meet The Basham Brothers for the SmackDown Tag Team Championship, and we make the final count down to the Survivor Series. Will they entertain the crowd while they do it? Let's find out.
Segment 1
Taped 11/11/2003 from the Continental Airlines Arena in East Rutherford, New Jersey. Michael Coleslaw and Tazz call the action, including the Tag Team Titles on the line in tonight's main event! Plus, The Big Show and Brock Lesnar meet Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle's fifth Survivor Series team member. And speak of the devil, it's time for...
One fall: My Olympic Hero vs. Nathan Jones (w/Matt Morgan)
If Angle drags a good match out of Jones, then he truly is the new Ric Flair. Nick Patrick sends Matt Morgan to the back before the bell. Lockup, Jones pushes Angle to the corner, clean break. Lock up, roll up by Angle, two count. Lockup, hammerlock by Angle, headlock, Jones powers out of it with a wristlock takedown. Angle with a double-leg takedown into a headlock. Shove off, Angle avoids a boot, Jones straddles himself on the top rope, and Angle takes advantage and kncoks Jones out to the floor. Angle follows Jones, but that gives Jones the chance to use his power and sends Angle throat first onto the barricade. Jones tosses Angle back in. Punches by Angle, and he elbows Jones to avoid a charge after an Irish whip. Cross body, but Jones catches him and slams him to the mat. Chinlock. Angle fights out but runs into a knee to the midsection. Bodyslam. Elbowdrop for 2. Press slam, but Angle avoids it and dropkicks the knee. A series of clotheslines does nothing, so Angle kicks away at the knees before going into the rolling German suplexes. Down go the straps Memphis style, but Jones avoids the Angle Slam and knocks Angle down with the big boot. Angle slips behind a slam attempt and hits the Angle Slam, and then it's the Ankle Lock. Jones refuses to quit, but Morgan runs out from the back and interferes for the DQ at 6:13. 3/4* Hardcore Holly emerges from the crowd with a chair and levels Jones and Morgan to make the save...and the crowd pops for him. He grabs the mic and calls Brock out, and he'll come after him if he doesn't come out.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
A mind-numbingly dull match, although they tried to make something out of it. What comes out of this is Bob Holly's return to SmackDown to help build his feud with Brock Lesnar and/or the Survivor Series match this weekend, and we're about to find out exactly how they build this momentum. But has Bob Holly ever gotten that good a pop without smacking Crash (God rest his soul) around?
Segment 2
True to his word, Holly's hunting Brock down, but he finds Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman. He'll give him Brock Lesnar, but not right now. See, Holly's not medically cleared to be at SmackDown, and he can't get Brock at Survivor Series if he reinjures himself, but if he leaves right now, Heyman assures Holly that Brock Lesnar is all his. Holly will be medically cleared at Survivor Series, and he'll do to Brock what Brock did to him.
Mr. McAsshole has a migraine as No Longer Able Sable looks at an old picture of Vince's dog in the WWE Unscripted book...and it's apparently not of Sable. Vince begins to leaf through it until he spots a picture of The Undertaker and gets pissed. Last night he had a nightmare. He was dead, but his brain was alive. And he could tell the maggots were eating his flesh, and he swallowed a bunch of them, so they began to eat his insides...and the smell was bad, and he couldn't move. Rinse, lather, repeat, until Vince awoke in a start and realized it was just a dream. But the stench was real...he pissed himself. Seriously. What does it mean?
COMMERCIAL BREAK
What it means is you need to stop doing promos like that when I'm trying to eat. Shit.
Actually, it's a nice bit of symbolism to help sell this Sunday's Buried Alive Match. Hopefully I don't need to explain this any further to get the point across, because I really am trying to eat. Another pretty nice promo by Vince McMahon, and if that match involved anybody else, I might actually care at this point.
Segment 3
Jamie By God Noble grabs a mic and says Hardcore Holly has the right idea: Forget waiting for Survivor Series, let's do it now. Here comes Tajiri, and here come Akio and Sakada to do a number on Noble. What's wrong with calling Akio "Yang" so people might realize who he is? A nice double kick to the head, and Tajiri taunts Noble in Japanese while he keeps the beatdown going. His friends hold Noble for a Buzzsaw Kick, but here comes Rey Misterio Jr. to clear the ring and make the save.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
So the Misterio-Tajiri feud isn't over after all? Why not throw Ultimo Dragon into the mix and turn this thing into a 3-on-3 elimination match? Hey, the cruiserweights even get shortchanged in a segment to set up a major PPV match, and the guy who looked strongest in the segment isn't even in that match.
Segment 4
Impromptu Tag Team Match: Akio and Sakada vs. Jamie By God Noble and Rey Misterio Jr.
Signed by GM Heyman during the break for the sole purpose of making my previous statement meaningless, and we're joined in progress, as Noble works over Akio. Sakada tags in and holds part of the advantage, but in comes Misterio. Victory roll for 2. Springboard dropkick for Akio, but Sakada with a Hotshot and Akio with a clothesline. Rey is your face-in-peril as the Japanese take control. Triangle choke in the ropes by Akio. Front facelock. Rey punches out of it but runs into a dropkick. Turnbuckle smash and a tag to Sakada. Sakada draws Noble into the ring to enable a double team. Elbowdrop. Crevatte. Tag to Akio, who uses Rey's own arms to lock in a chinlock. Corner whip, backflip, and Rey counters a tilt-a-whirl slam into an inverted DDT. Hot tag to Noble, and he cleans house. Faceslam into the boot for 2. Powerslam for 2. Swinging neckbreaker to Sakada, and all four men go into signature spots. Sakada grabs Rey's foot to avoid the West Coast Pop. Tiger bomb by Noble to Akio, but Tajiri runs in with a kick to the back of the head, then holds Noble's legs as Akio gets the pin at 6:17. Good stuff here, but a bit too slow for what these four are capable of. Well, three of them at least, as I've only seen Sakada (Sakoda...however WWE wants to spell it) once. **
Eddy Guerrero finds Chavito Guerrero, and they prepare for action tonight. Some cop comes in to inform Eddy that his sister-in-law was in an accident, and he has to leave. Chavo is pissed at first, then realizes family's more important and lets Eddy go.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Jesus Christ. Didn't we do this like two years ago? Didn't Steve Austin pay off a cop to tell The Undertaker that Sara had been in a bad accident? And wasn't it the kind of segment that simply made people go "What in the bloody hell was that?" And now we're doing it again, and just to set up Eddy vs. Chavo? Hey, I want to see the match as much as anybody, but for the love of God, think of a better way of doing it than this! What really sucks is it takes away from the match we'd just seen before it, which was decent but disappointing.
Segment 5
Chavo is looking for Heyman, and he finds him and explains the situation. Heyman's cool with it since family comes first, so the match is postponed until Survivor Series. OK, cool. Here I thought the match would be on and Chavo would be out the titles. The Brothers Basham and Shaniqua complain about it because they're ready for action tonight. They ask for a handicap match with Chavo, Chavo wants it, so the match is made, and the match is next.
Your hosts pimp the Unscripted book. Go to shopzone.com and get a T-shirt with the book.
The Undertaker cuts a promo from the graveyard. Vince brought him back here, so Vince is going to have to pay. And Sunday is his day of reckoning. What do these souls have in common? They never threatened his family. And it's almost a shame to desecrate this land with his carcass Vince asked for forgiveness for what he's going to do? He's in for the most brutal beating of his life. As Vince is laying there looking at Taker and begging for mercy, all he'll get is shovels of dirt. Except for his head. Because with that last breath, he wants Vince to suffocate on the thoughts of everything rotten he has done in his lifetime. The realization is Vincent Kennedy McMahon is being buried alive.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Quite the overly long promo by The Undertaker there, so I won't go into it anymore than I have to. More symbolism, and more talking instead of wrestling. The key here is the addition of the Tag Team Title Match to Survivor Series, which adds what should be a pretty good match to a PPV that might be in need of good matches. Hey, it's gotta be better than No Mercy, right?
Tupac has a movie debuting tomorrow and the soundtrack CD that came out this week. This man makes more money dead than I ever fucking will alive.
Segment 6
Still to come tonight, the fifth member of Team Angle teams with Benoit vs. Big Show and Lesnar.
Handicap Match: The Brothers Basham (SmackDown Tag Team Champions--w/Shaniqua) vs. Chavito Guerrero
Of course, Eddy beat both Bashams last week to earn the title shot that the Guerreros will now get at Survivor Series. Doug and Chavo start. Chavo with an armdrag takedown into a cover for 1. Wrestling sequence, ending with a dropkick. Danny in and getting a dropkick as well. Shaniqua whips them to wake them up. Chavo fights both men off and rolls up Doug for 2. Boston crab. Doug gets a Hotshot into the corner and a snake eyes, and that enables Danny to work over Chavo's back on the outside. Chavo is rolled in, and Doug covers for 2. Danny tags in, and the heels cheat at will. Series of punches by Danny for 2. Doug tagged in. Double flapjack, double kip up, and Doug covers for 2. Reverse chinlock. Cole bitches about this match being signed despite the fact that Chavo agreed to it. Doug misses...um...something, as Chavo boots him in the face. What was he going for? Chavo with an inverted atomic drop. Monkey flip. Clothesline. Backdrop. Tornado DDT (with a dropkick to Danny for good measure) only gets 2. A dropkick sends Doug over the top rope. Shaniqua distracts Chavo and Mike Sparks, the Bashams switch, and Danny gets an inside cradle for the pin at 6:10. *3/4 Postmatch, Shaniqua comes in with a boot to Chavo's face, and we have a triple team effort going on poor Chavito. Doug gets a top-rope spinebuster as an exclamation point.
Josh Mathews has tried to interview Team Angle, but Kurt Angle refused comment.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Pretty much on par with Eddy's effort last week with one difference. Eddy didn't fall for the illegal switch and got the win out of it. This does do a nice job of building heat toward the Survivor Series match though, and it could add a dimension to the apparently impending Eddy-Chavo feud as well. They could go several different directions from here, and the more options the booking committee has, the better off everybody will be.
Segment 7
Go to house shows. They're interactive now and stuff. Fan testimonials tell me so!
The Continental Airlines Arena hosts tonight's SmackDown.
Trainers check on Chavo, who complains about shooting pains down his back. The Bashams are watching on a monitor and celebrate...then thank the "cop" for an Academy Award winning performance. Oh, like you're actually surprised.
One fall: Bradshaw vs. Ape Train
Think Bradshaw's really going to lose on a show taped on Veteran's Day when he's all patriotic and stuff? A-Train throws punches early, and Bradshaw just takes them. Turnbuckle smash. but Bradshaw fights back. Big boot. Elbowdrop for 2. A-Train begs off to set up a thumb to the eye. Series of forearms and a kick to the face as Bradshaw is hanging over the ring apron. They both brawl on the floor. Back in, and Bradshaw with a flying tackle. Series of forearms. A-Train blocks a suplex and counters with one of his own. Avalanche. Slingshot into the middle rope. Cover for 2. A-Train taunts and slaps Bradshaw, who low blows A-Train. A-Train quickly regains control. Uppercut. Bradshaw comes back with right hands. Whip, reversal, sleeperhold by A-Train. Bradshaw elbows out and locks in a sleeper of his own. A-Train counters with a back suplex. Bradshaw back with more right hands and a dropkick (!!!!!!). It was shitty looking, but he threw one, by God. Swinging neckbreaker. Whip, but A-Train counters with an elbow and a clothesline. Vader bomb for 2. Bradshaw avoids an avalanche, A-Train avoids a Clothesline from Hell, and A-Train hits the Derailer for 2. Bicycle kick misses, and Bradshaw wins it with a Clothesline from Hell at 6:22. 3/4*
Chris BeNOIT is warming up, and he's wondering if he can really trust their new fifth man after he's made a career out of tearing them down. Angle could say the same thing about Benoit, but sometimes you have to get along with the people you hate most to acheive a common goal. And the fifth man is John Cena, who admits he just wants a shot at Team Sasquatch and will team with anyone to do it. Benoit says he'll take Cena's head off if he tries anything, and then Angle's next.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Admit it. If two guys in the 250-pound range did the exact same match, you guys would have loved it. Of course, these guys aren't in the 250-pound range, so this was a slow and plodding version of what that good match could have been.
As far as the announcement of the fifth guy, it's certainly no surprise, and they've actually explained it quite well. Sometimes it's not the company you keep, but why you need to keep that company. In this case, it's not a case of Cena liking his teammates. It's a case of hating the opponents even more than his teammates. My God, a plausible excuse to have someone team with someone he had been feuding with! In WWE! Wonders never cease!
Segment 8
Back in Vince's office, and Sable comes in to check on him. She brings in Father Frank, a priest. Whether he has a thing for little boys is never revealed. Frank knows who Vince is, but Vince tells him who he is anyway. Why would a priest watch WWE? Father Frank's here to help Vince, but not to perform Last Rites. He's here to pray for...and with...Vince. He says the Lord's Prayer, but keeps his eyes open, which Vince calls him on. A second attempt is interrupted because Vince asks if they can pray on their knees. A third attempt at the prayer, and Vince isn't "feeling it", so pray harder. What is this, a parody of Swing Kids? "The Nazi's are coming! What do we do?" "PRAY!" A fourth attempt, and Vince starts laughing because the priest is praying for the wrong man. GET ON WITH IT! Vince says that The Undertaker is one who needs the prayer because when Taker is buried alive, his soul will be sent straight to hell.
Survivor Series video. Stone Cold's Team vs. Bischoff's Team. Molly vs. Lita. Shane vs. Kane in an ambulance match. Triple H vs. Goldberg. Live in three days. But that's just Raw's side of things. Also on the show: The Undertaker vs. Vince McMahon in a buried alive match. Los Guerreros vs. The Basham Brothers. Tajiri vs. Jamie Noble. And of course, Brock Lesnar's Team vs. Kurt Angle's Team.
And next, we preview that SmackDown elimination match. The main event is next!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
And this is clearly a case of doing one segment too many to build to something. Simply put, each man had cut a promo for buried alive and said their peace, and that was cool. Then they decided to do just one more hard sell for it, and as a result I am now less interested in that match than I was before we got started tonight. It's a shame too, because they almost had me convinced that I should give a rat's ass.
Segment 9
The Cat is on the prowl. These are actually good segments to bring out Ernest Miller's personality, but that doesn't mean he's improved in the ring, which is the only place I truly care about.
Tag Team Main Event scheduled for one fall: John Cena and Chris BeNOIT vs. The Too Damned Big Show (U.S. Champion) and King Brock I (WWE SmackDown Champion)
Cena cuts a freestyle before the match, calling Team Lesnar "the Nation of Masturbation" and saying Brock needs a bra to cover his man boobs. He gives props to Method Man (conveniently sitting in the front row with ), then calls Team Lesnar "five oversized pieces of _____" and lets the crowd fill in the blank.
Cena and Brock start. Lockup, stalemate. Lockup, Brock throws Cena down. Waistlock by Brock, but Cena starts pounding away. Brock traps Cena in a corner and shoulderblocks him. A lot. Corner whip, Cena with an elbow, and a couple of clotheslines knock Brock down. Tag to Benoit. Snap suplex for a quick 2 count. Chops and kicks, and Cena tags in. Forearms and kicks, but Brock hits the overhead belly-to-belly (and doesn't even get fired for it). Tag to Show. Chops in the corner. Headbutt. The crowd chants "Subway" at Show as he choke slams Cena. Benoit in to make the save...
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Chanting "Subway" at The Big Show? I'm laughing my ass off at that one! The match continues....
Segment 10
...and Show has Cena locked in an abdominal stretch. During the break, Benoit checked on Cena, and Brock attacked Benoit from behind. Back live, and Brock tags in. An elbow to knock Benoit off the apron, and a release German for Cena. Elbowdrop. Fisherman suplex for 2. Cena comes back with a DDT. Hot tag to Benoit, who clotheslines Lesnar. Corner whip, release German. Signaling for the Swan Dive Headbutt, and it connects. Show saves Lesnar from being pinned. Benoit knocks Show off the apron, but Lesnar Hotshots Benoit. Clothesline. Tag to Show. Corner whip. Slap to the chest. Boot choke. Beell. The "Subway" chant is a bit louder this time. Another boot choke. Sitting down on the chest, shades of the late Andre the Giant. Reverse rocker dropper for 2, as Cena makes the save. Tag to Lesnar. A series of kicks and stomps. Front facelock. Bodyscissors and a sleeperhold in one (called the "scissor sleeper" in one of the older SmackDown video games). Benoit comes back and gets in a release German suplex. Benoit tags, but Show had Brian Hebner distracted, so it doesn't count. Lesnar with a DDT. Lesnar tries to prevent the hot tag but is hit with an enzuigiri, and the tag on each side. Cena with a flying clothesline to knock Show down. Lesnar works over Benoit, who locks in the Crippler Crossface. Cena low blows Show and uses the chain on him, covering him for the pin at 17:08. A bit long, but certainly passable. ** Cena walks to the back on his own.
END OF SHOW
I liked this main event. Cena and Benoit got along just well enough to win the match, and it shows that even though Lesnar's team has the size advantage on Sunday, that doesn't necessarily guarantee them a victory in the elimination match. It was a bit too long for what it was, and there was probably too much offense by Brock and Show (formula or not, there was a long stretch where the heels were in control but the faces didn't seem in any real danger of losing), but a perfectly acceptable TV main event.
Overall, another mixed bag. Obviously this show is meant to be the hard sell for the PPV, but it was another night of mediocre wrestling wrapped around mediocre storytelling. So you got a mediocre show, but one that did what is was supposed to do: Serve as a two hour infomercial for Survivor Series. Did it make you want to order it? It didn't for me, but then again I almost always order Survivor Series anyway.
Send me feedback and check the archives. Booyah.
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