 |
|
Home
Wrestling
WWE
TNA
Tape Reviews
Other
Sports
Basketball
Football
Baseball
Hockey
International
Entertainment
Movies / TV
Music
Gaming
Technology
Books / Comics
" The Gravel Pit "
|
|
|
|
Wrestling
>
TNA
SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (11/27/2003)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Nov 28, 2003, 20:32
|
|
SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (11/27/2003)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
I'm just going to get on with this after working Black Friday at Circuit City (I swear to God, when the doors opened today I thought I was in Pamplona running from the bulls), but very quickly, I'd like to toll the bell for former NWA World Champion Dick Hutton. The story goes that Hutton was Lou Thesz's handpicked successor, as Buddy Rogers was the favorite even back then and Thesz absolutely refused to put Rogers over. May we have a brief moment of silence for Dick Hutton?
DING!
DING!
DING!
DING!
DING!
DING!
DING!
DING!
DING!
DING!
Thank you.
Tonight: Kurt Angle had last week off, but according to Time Warner Digital Cable, he's due back this week. Also, the John Cena push continues, and Ernest Miller wrestles on television for the first time in over two years.
Segment 1
Taped 11/25/2003 from Boise, Idaho, and a host of wrestlers are surrounding the ring, which is filled with Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman. This can't be good. One of the Bashams is wearing an S&M mask. Anyway, welcome to the biggest Thanksgiving spectacular ever, and enjoy the tradition of opportunity. Tonight, a 20-man battle royal. The winner gets a shot at Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title later tonight. King Brock I takes his cue to come to ringside. "You tapped out" chants. Brock: "Well, happy Thanksgiving to you too." Brock came out here to give thanks. He's thankful of being on his way to becoming the greatest WWE Champion ever, and he's only 26. More "You tapped out" chants. He's the fightingest champion because he's afraid of nobody. He's not afraid of a high-flyer like...no, not Bradshaw! He's yelling at Rey Misterio Jr.! He's not afraid of The Big Show. He's not afraid of a guy who's never been champion like John Cena. And he's sure as hell not afraid of a man who will never be champion, referring to Chris Benoit. He guarantees Benoit that he will never tap out again (so give him until WrestleMania or so). In fact, Brock wants to make somebody tap out, so tonight, the winner of the battle royal will tap out to Brock. That's not an actual prematch stipulation, is it? Huge "bullshit" chant for that one. Brock "whispers" to Heyman, audibly mentioning Cena and Benoit by name, so Heyman takes the mic. It's all about opportunity, so two men have to win a match just to get into that battle royal. John Cena must defeat A-Train ("Can you see me now, John?") and Chris Benoit must defeat an opponent of Heyman's choosing, but his match is next.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Well, say what you will about battle royals, but I like the general idea of the angle. The WWE Title is the most important title in the wrestling business, so everybody wants a shot at it, and everybody should have to earn their shot at it. Great idea. What does bother me are the "qualifying matches" to enter the thing. OK, so Cena and Benoit survived Survivor Series and are punished as a result, but how exactly did the other 18 men earn their spot in the battle royal? And if A-Train loses, is he still in the battle royal? And if he is, why? He's not getting punished for helping lose that Survivor Series match?
Segment 2
Your hosts are Michael Coleslaw and Tazz, and they hype tonight's battle royal.
Battle Royal Qualifying Match: Chris BenOIT vs. Matt Morgan
Benoit with a baseball slide right off the bat, but Morgan regains control and rolls Benoit into the ring. Benoit goes downstairs to gain the advantage and goes to work. Morgan avoids the German suplex. Corner clothesline. And another. Squisher (tm Kevin Nash). And a headbutt. Vertical suplex. Legdrop for 2. Boot choke. Choke throw into the corner. Side slam. Chokehold. Stomachbreaker. Morgan misses the World's Slowest Squisher, but Benoit misses the Swan Dive Headbutt. Benoit counters a power bomb into the Crippler Crossface, and Morgan taps out at 3:17. Hey, Morgan's better than Nathan Jones! That's not saying much, granted. *1/2
Jamie By God Noble wants to know if Nidia is faking her blindness to gain some extra sympathy. But nobody's ever faked being blind in wrestling! Oh, wait... Anyway, she's becoming a liability after costing her the title last week. And tonight, Noble gets Tajiri's cronies with a possible title shot and/or battle royal berth on the line, so he wants her in the back tonight. Nidia asks for a compromise: She'll sit with Tazz and Michael Cole, and she'll be good. Jamie says OK, but she has to stay there.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
A decent match, and maybe...just maybe...there will be enough of an upside to Matt Morgan to keep him around after a decent performance. Benoit's one step closer to the title reign he should have gotten several years ago. As for Nidia...well, why would she go to the broadcast table if she can't see what's going on? Don't they pipe the commentary into the monitors in the back?
Segment 3
A Tazz turkey and Cole turkey argue with each other.
Someone call The Cat's Momma! He debuts later.
One fall: Jamie By God Noble (w/Nidia, who's sitting at the broadcast table) vs. Akio (w/Tajiri)
Akio wastes no time kicking away at Noble. Noble reverses a corner whip. Akio tries to take a Tastykake break, but Noble hits a tope suicida and chases Tajiri...running right into a spinning kick for a count of 2. Sleeperhold. Noble reverses. Akio breaks with a jawbreaker and covers for 2. A series of counters for a series of near falls. It ends after about 10 near falls with a double clothesline. Both men to their feet, and they exchange chops. Noble with a clothesline and a knee to the midsection. Swinging neckbreaker for 2. Akio with an elbowsmash and a triangle choke over the top rope. Tajiri goes over to taunt Nidia as Noble hits a Dynamite Kid Superplex! Tajiri stands on top of the broadcast table to taunt Nidia, so Nidia grabs his feet, runs up his legs (and Tajiri thinks he's about to get a blowjob just like in the old days)...and she sizes him up for a low blow. Noble looks over long enough for Akio to roll him up for the pin at 3:45. Good stuff before the lameass finish. ** Noble yells at Nidia postmatch, as fans chant "Nice shot, Nidia!"
Heyman finds Shannon Moore v.0.75, and Heyman's proud of Moore's effort last week. Moore's reading the new SmackDown magazine. Matt Hardy will never be on the cover, as he took one beating and went to Raw. But Moore? He's still here. And tonight, he'll meet a man bigger than Matt Morgan...Nathan Jones.
Rey Misterio Jr. gives his Thanksgiving reflections.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
It's becoming painfully obvious that we're merely setting up Noble vs. Nidia Mark III. I liked the match, but I don't like the angle, simply because it's nothing we haven't seen out of Noble and Nidia before. I will give Nidia for selling the blindness in hitting the low blow though.
Segment 4
One fall: Shannon Moore v.0.75 vs. Nathan Jones
You people need to stop calling Randy Orton "suckbag" as long as Nathan Jones is on the active roster. Moore has his ribs taped after last week's beating. Much like last week, Moore attacks right away. And much like last week, his advantage doesn't last long. A choke lift, and Jones dumps Moore to the floor. Sick freaking bump. About three fans try to start a "Let's go Shannon" chant. Moore tries to battle back, but as he tries to climb up top for the Halo, Jones takes him down with a reverse bodyslam. One arm Beell over the top rope (once again, shades of last week). Back into the ring, cover, Jones picks Moore up. Gutwrench suplex (a wrestling move? Holy shit!) gets the pin at 2:30. How about that? Moore makes Jones look mediocre as opposed to awful. The match still sucked though. 3/4*
Earlier today, it was the traditional SmackDown Thanksgiving dinner. John Cena wants everyone to say grace before they dig in, and uses it as a device to hit on the SmackDown divas.
Eddy Guerrero vs. Charlie Haas is next.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
For the second straight week, Moore is merely fodder to make the bigger man look credible, and once again he bumps like a champ to pull it off. And Jones used an actual wrestling move for the first time ever! Hopefully Moore is in line for a nice push when he's finished putting over these big men. If he gets those two guys over, he's earned it.
Segment 5
Eddy Guerrero checks on Chavito Guerrero, who is on crutches. Chavo says he's feeling real good, and Eddy shows concern...but Chavo convinces him not to worry about it. Dammit, they actually did go there.
One fall: Charlie Haas (w/Shelton Benjamin) vs. Eddy Guerrero (w/Chavito Guerrero)
Of course, Haas and Benjamin injured Chavo's knee last week in response to the injury suffered by Benjamin back in September, setting up this match. Haas kicks Eddy as soon as the "Eddy" chant starts. Eddy fights back and gets a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2. Eddy focuses his attack on Haas' knee. Chavo even gets a shot or two in. Turnbuckle smash by Eddy, but he runs into a BAAAAAAAACK bodydrop. Backbreaker by Haas for 2. Choke against the ropes (with crossfaces). Forearms to the kidneys as the "Eddy" chants return. Back suplex for 2. Haas goes into an armbar and drives the knee into the ribs for leverage as another "Eddy" chant starts. Eddy comes back and gets some turnbuckle smashes in, then he takes Haas down with a top-rope rana. A couple of clotheslines, then into the rolling vertical suplexes. Benjamin distracts Brian Hebner, which enables Eddy to use Chavo's crutch (which he YANKS from Chavo) and use a small package for the pin at 3:42. **1/4 Postmatch, Benjamin tries to reinjure Chavo's knee, but Eddy makes the save with Chavo's crutch. Chavo then complains because Eddy used the crutch despite Chavo's hurt knee.
Cena vs. A-Train next.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
This would be a kickass show if any of these matches were getting more than four minutes. Two of these matches have been pretty good. But even more seeds are planted for what has to be an inevitable Eddy vs. Chavo feud, with Chavo's knee (and apparent use of pain killers to block the pain) adding another dimension to the feud. Hopefully they downplay what Chavo's doing to block out the pain and keep this to what's been going on in the ring.
Segment 6
Battle Royal Qualifying Match: Ape Train vs. John Cena
Cena is ready to rap, but A-Train attacks him from behind. Cena goes for a quick FU, but A-Train avoids it. Cena tries it again, but A-Train gets a forearm to the back. Cena fights back and charges, but A-Train takes Cena down with a bicycle kick. Corner whip and an avalanche. Running powerslam for 2. A-Train slaps away at Cena. Abdominal stretch. Cena fights out of it and goes for a slam, but A-Train falls on top of him and gets a 2 count. A-Train tosses Cena over the top rope. Clothesline with the top rope, but Nick Patrick gets bumped. Cena gets a low blow in, then makes a comeback. Whip, reversal, Cena with a flying tackle and a standing dropkick. Bodyslam. Fistdrop for 2. A-Train with a backbreaker for 2. A-Train misses a punch, and Cena takes him down with a back suplex for 2. A-Train avoids the FU and hits the Derailer, and Cena grabs the bottom rope to avoid being pinned. A-Train pulls Cena to the middle of the ring, and that's enough to allow Cena to kick out. A-Train grabs a chair, but Cena uses it on A-Train and FUs A-Train for the pin (and the battle royal berth) at 5:32. *3/4
The Cat debuts tonight.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
John Cena overcomes all odds and earns his spot in the battle royal, but one thing really bothers me about that. Cole said A-Train was already in the battle royal. Is there even WWE logic that can explain that one? He LOST to a man who had to earn a spot in the battle royal. Let that be a lesson to any wannabe WWE superstars. It doesn't matter if you win or lose, but whose ass you kiss on your way to the ring. Surprisingly good stuff here though.
Segment 7
Smack your TV ad with The Too Damn Big Show.
Welcome to Boise State University, home of the Broncos.
Hardcore Holly won't be in the battle royal, as he was suspended after attacking Brock Lesnar last week. Continuity? In WWE? Wow!
And Hardcore Holly is with us to discuss his suspension. To him, it's the coward's way out. Holly's appealed his suspension, and unlike in baseball, he has to wait for it to be lifted to compete, but he vows to break Brock's neck.
Lamont is in the ring, and he's here to introduce The Cat. They didn't let him keep the James Brown music though. Of course, The Cat is here to entertain, so hit the music, because he's gonna dance! Somebody call my mama, because I'm gonna be ill. The part of the crowd that's giving a reaction is NOT happy. The Cat asks for someone to dance with, so be brings out Torrie Wilson. Since it's her hometown and all. Christ, The Cat's blown up already? Torrie dances. Tazz: "Who's Torrie's Daddy?!?! Well, he's dead." OK, Torrie's dancing is hot, but end this segment already!
Up next, the top contenders battle royal.
John Cena gives thanks to his peeps and his family.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Didn't they advertise this as a wrestling match? Stop me if I'm out of line here but you know, when you advertise somebody's debut, I more or less assume they're going to "wrestle", not dance for ten fucking minutes. I can order tapes of Solid Gold and Soul Train if I want to see people dancing, thanks. But even besides that, why did they change the music? What's wrong, Vince? You'll pay for a graphic of fake turkeys arguing at the broadcast table, but you won't pay for a song that sounds somewhat, but not entirely unlike, a James Brown song? If you're keeping the gimmick, keep the music, because without it, the gimmick has no legs.
Segment 8
Top Contenders Battle Royal
I hate recapping battle royals. Tazz's official pick: Nathan Jones. Cole's pick: The Big Show. Johnny Stamboli is gone already (elimination #1). Cena tries to toss Danny Basham but can't do it. Ultimo Dragon takes it to Show but gets tossed (elimination #2). Orlando Jordan says "bye bye" (elimination #3). Danny Basham is out next (elimination #4). Show headbutts Scotty 2 Hotty. Charlie Haas works on Rey Misterio Jr. as Show works on Rikishi. Everybody gangs up on The Big Show, and about 15 guys have trouble tossing him. Wow! They're after him again, and this time they've gotten underneath him...and Show becomes elimination #5. The Man Beast Rhyno thinks he eliminates Rey, but he hangs on.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Typical battle royal fodder thus far, although I think we all breathed a sigh of relief at Show's elimination.
Segment 9
Eliminations during the break: Nathan Jones (#6) and Bradshaw (#7). Eddy can't quite eliminate Rey Misterio Jr. Rikishi can't eliminate Chuck Palumbo. Eddy and Rey almost eliminate each other but return the ring. Scotty 2 Hotty tries to save himself but gets dumped out by a Palumbo superkick (#8). A-Train (#9) and Rhyno (#10) are gone. Rey tries to slide underneath Benjamin, but Benjamin sits down to block it. Rey is still able to get the 619 in. Five men eliminate Rikishi (#11), but out go Charlie Haas, Chuck Palumbo, and Matt Morgan (#12-14). High risk by Misterio, but Cena and Benoit catch him and dump him over the top rope (#15). Out goes Doug Basham (#16), and we're down to Cena, Eddy, Benoit, and Benjamin. Eddy takes Benoit down with a rana. Benjamin keeps himself from being eliminated by Cena. Benjamin powerslams Eddy. Mounted punches for Benoit now, but Benoit stops Benjamin with an inverted atomic drop. Snap suplex. Cena and Eddy battle in the corner. Cole's new official pick: Benoit. Tazz's new official pick: Eddy. Eddy does the rolling verticals to Cena and tries to toss him over, but Cena hangs on for dear life. Benjamin makes a stupid save and power bombs Eddy. Benoit from behind with rolling Germans to Benjamin. Eddy with the Frog Splash to Benjamin. Cena with the FU to Eddy. Benoit with the rolling Germans to Cena. Cut throat gesture, but he walks into Benjamin's superkick. Over the top, but Benoit hangs on and uses a headscissors to eliminate Benjamin (#17). Out goes Eddy (#18), and we're down to 2--the two who had to earn their way here. They trade kicks. Right hand by Cena. Benoit counters a suplex into the Crippler Crossface. Cena taps, but you have to be thrown over the top rope. Benoit drops Cena stomachfirst onto the top rope and tries to finish the job. Cena blocks and goes for the FU--and they both fall over the top rope at 18:28. The referees disagree on who won, and it's Royal Rumble 1994 all over again. Even Cole and Tazz disagree. Here comes the pain and Brock Lesnar for his title defense, but we have no idea who the opponent is as Cole and Tazz argue over the winner. I'll be nice and rate it *1/2, but I could have gone another half-star higher with an actual winner.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Can somebody tell me the last battle royal that didn't end with some form of controversy? Anybody? And no, I'm not counting Royal Rumbles. So have we just pulled the ultimate bait and switch to get out of the title match? Or will we have a triple threat match for the title tonight? Only one way to find out.
Segment 10
Replays show they landed as close to simultaneously as humanly possible. Heyman asks Brian Hebner who won, and he says it's Benoit, and Benoit says he not only gives his word that he won, but he'll make Brock tap. Referee Mike Sparks says Cena won, and Cena says that as sure as Heyman's fat, Benoit's feet hit first. The crowd chants "triple threat". Heyman says he'll do what's best for SmackDown. You probably want the triple threat match. But that wouldn't be in the best interests of the WWE Title. He's got a point, actually. Heyman to the fans: "That's why people like me make decisions for people like you." He's channeling the spirit of Vince McMahon there. So Heyman asks for Cena vs. Benoit with the winner to face Lesnar. And that match takes place next week. That's Brock's cue to attack Cena, and Benoit goes for the save, and out comes the rest of Lesnar's Survivor Series team to do a mass beatdown. A huge "bullshit" chant comes from the crowd as Lesnar executes F5s for both challengers. There are the "You tapped out" chants. Lesnar counters with "I'm the champ! I'm the champ! I'm the champ!" And he has a message for Benoit, Cena, and the fans: "Have a happy Thanksgiving!"
END OF SHOW
Not only was this a blatant bait-and-switch, but it's eerily similar to an angle Ohio's United Wrestling Council ran at a TV taping I attended a couple of weeks ago. Angles that bring some options to the title picture are great. Angles that promise the fans one thing but give them another aren't. And the crowd let them know exactly what they thought about it (and I don't think WWE would have actually piped that one in).
Overall, some really good short matches, and some development of the title picture as we add a few other contenders into the mix, so the show gets a mild thumbs up from me. The bait and switch is rarely a good decision, and in this case the crowd was chomping at the bit for that title match. But it did set up next week's main event, and it should give us a good chance at a solid finish to next week's show. Just try not to promise us anything if you don't intend to deliver.
But wait! I just thought of something. No Vince McMahon? No McMahons at all? That's like Christmas coming a month early! This show gets a thumbs up right there!
Send feedback, check the archives, and read everyone else's stuff.
| |
|
|
|
|
|
