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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (12/11/2003)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Dec 11, 2003, 21:28
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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (12/11/2003)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
E-Mail of the Week: "Jakefabe" sent this one that proves WWE really doesn't give a damn what we think.
J-hawk,
After watching last night's smackdown I have come to the realization, the WWE HATES ME!! I have been asking them for 2 years now to put the title on Eddie Guerrero or Chris Benoit. Apparently, Vince McMahon has not been reading my emails. I was very careful this week, not reading any spoilers, I wanted it to be a surprise. I felt for sure that my emails and prayers had been answered, Benoit was getting THE TITLE! I put the girlfriend to bed so I didn't have to listen to the "do we have to watch wrestling?"(sidenote: No UPN affiliate so Smackdown comes on FOX at 11:00pm) I settled in to watch the main event, and I have to admit after the first Benoit/Cena match, I was as gitty as Dame's brother during the Final Fantasy X-2 commercial (without the gay-ass dancing of course.) The match was certainly one to remember, or in this case, one to forget. When I saw King Brock tap out, I wanted to reach through my TV and beat the shit out of the ref. "What the Fuck!" I yelled, "I could take that bump and not be down that long!" Vinnie Mac had struck again and poor Chris Benoit, probably the BEST wrestler of our era, has been banned to the midcard fighting the likes of A-train and taking head bumps from Nathan Jones (a.k.a. NAILZ reborn). If only they had listened to me.
Forums Quote of the Week: Rasheed Wallace recently made some comments about the NBA, but as kkktookmybabyaway points out, not everything is as it seems when you first read about it.
Now this is interesting.
I decided to head on over to where the interview took place here and found some little gems that the Yahoo article left out:
"I ain't no dumb-ass nigger out here. I'm not like a whole bunch of these young boys out here who get caught up and captivated into the league," Wallace, 29, said. "No. I see behind the lines. I see behind the false screens. I know what this business is all about. I know the commissioner of this league makes more than three-quarters of the players in this league.
"There's a whole lot of crunching numbers that, quote-unquote, me as an athlete and me as an NBA player should know. In my opinion, they just want to draft niggers who are dumb and dumber -- straight out of high school. That's why they're drafting all these high school cats, because they come into the league and they don't know no better. They don't know no better, and they don't know the real business, and they don't see behind the charade.
"They look at black athletes like we're dumb-ass niggers. It's as if we're just going to shut up, sign for the money and do what they tell us."
And the sad thing is I just got a phone call from a white basketball-playing friend of mine up in Portland who wants to know if it's OK for him to be exploited by the NBA should he decide to enter the Draft straight out of high school...
Tonight: Um...I dunno, actually. I heard something about a Guerrero-World's Greatest Tag Team match where the postmatch antics may have been more interesting (check the Observer to see what actually happened), and other than that, your guess is as good as mine.
Segment 1
Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman has a public statement to make: Chris Benoit will never get another shot at the WWE Title as long as Heyman is still GM. I like ya Paul, but FUCK YOU!
Cue the usual opening.
Taped 12/9/2003 from San Diego's Sports Arena. Michael Coleslaw and Tazz are at ringside, and Heyman is in the ring with more to say. We deserve an explanation. See, we're merely following tradition. SmackDown will be built on Brock Lesnar's back. It started when Vince McMahon Sr. built the WWWF on Bruno Sammartino. Then Vince McMahon Jr. built the WWF on Hulk Hogan and Steve Austin. So it's merely tradition, and Chris Benoit nearly screwed up Heyman's long-term vision. Heyman brings out King Brock I, and while I have a second, let me just say that this angle is SCREAMING for Benoit to win the Royal Rumble. Brock's got the mic. He demands respect, by God! Brock has one more reason for Benoit not getting another title shot: He made Chris Benoit tap out. Cole calls "bullshit" on him as the crowd chants "You tapped out" for a second time already. We show the clip of Brock doing the forced tapout after the match ended. But don't feel bad, Chris. You put up a good fight, but "you're not in my league". In fact, nobody is. He then tells Heyman he's a smart man for making Brock the centerpiece. He's unstoppable, and we all know it. Damn, this crowd is fucking harsh! Brock tells the crowd he'll get them deported. "See, I've got a little chant for you guys right here in Mexico. San Diego, wherever the hell we're at! You all look the same to me, you might as well be from Mexico!" Brock's chant: "Show me respect." Out comes hometown boy Rey Misterio Jr. Hmm...this could be interesting. Rey says there's no way Brock's going to disrespect San Diego or his people, title or no title. Rey's here for one reason: to make a challenge. Since he's in his hometown, he wants a match with the champ. A "619" chant as Heyman and Brock discuss it. Brock doesn't make the matches: Heyman does. Rey: "You don't have the power, but you also don't have the..." HEY! Brock agrees to a non-title match, and if Rey wins, he'll get a title shot next week. There's a pieface to Rey, and Rey won't back down. Rey's down with that, and by the end of the night, not only will the crowd chant "You tapped out" (there they go again), but they'll chant "619" (and there they go).
COMMERCIAL BREAK
This could be a fun night. You've got the classic big man vs. little man story that the WWWFE has always seemed to love, and you've got two pretty good workers telling it on top of it. Non-title in Rey's hometown should put the odds in his favor from a booking standpoint, and even the loss next week could establish Rey as an upper-tier guy if booked right. It's going to be hard to screw this main event up...so they'll probably find a way to do it.
Chris Benoit for the WrestleMania main event! This angle is just begging for it, and so am I! Hell, they actually acknowledged Bruno Sammartino's existence for it. They HAVE to go with it, don't they?
Segment 2
One fall: The Man Beast Rhyno vs. Bradshaw
If you saw Velocity (and judging from the ratings, you haven't), Bradshaw defeated Rhyno with a big boot but got attacked by Rhyno afterwards. Bradshaw's back on the Fox News Channel Saturday morning, by the way. Bradshaw goes for the boot and misses, and there's the bell. A slugfest early, with Bradshaw taking control. Suplex for 2. Whip, reversal, and Rhyno decides to take a Tastykake break to avoid a Clothesline from Hell. Bradshaw follows Rhyno to the floor and maintains control. Back in, and Bradshaw hits a shoulderblock but misses an elbowdrop. DDT by Rhyno for 2. Kicks. Chops. Bradshaw with punches. Elbowsmash. Football tackle. Swinging neckbreaker. Rhyno comes back with an elbow and climbs up top, but Bradshaw follows and hits Last Call from the second rope, shades of Scott Hall. A delayed cover gets 2. There's the big boot, then a corner clothesline. Bradshaw places Rhyno on the turnbuckle and hits a superplex. Bradshaw tries to float over, but Rhyno cradles the legs for the pin at 4:16. The Velocity match was better. 3/4*
Heyman tells Ape Train and Matt Morgan not to make him do to them what he did to Nathan Jones. A-Train bet on Benoit because the odds would have made him more money, but Brock took it personally. So A-Train wrestles next against someone who deserves to be on Team Lesnar: Shannon Moore. Heyman can't believe A-Train's laughing, so Morgan tells him not to blow it. A-Train: "Don't worry. It's a sure bet."
COMMERCIAL BREAK
That finish reminded me of Dynamite Kid vs. Randy Savage from the Wrestling Classic...except that Kid-Savage was a much more entertaining match. This one wasn't offensive, but it wasn't very good either.
Now we've got what my sixth sense tells me is a win for Shannon Moore...and the A-Train face turn we were only waiting for in Bizarro World.
Segment 3
Time for more bets. The Brothers Basham are 2-1 favorites for their defense against Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty next week. A-Train's odds are 10-1 in his favor, so Morgan puts in a huge bet.
One fall: Ape Train vs. Shannon Moore v.0.75
On the bright side for Moore, all that's left for him to get beaten down by is Brock Lesnar. Tazz acknowledges Nathan Jones' departure. A-Train immediately goes to work on Moore's ribs, then takes him outside and giant swings him into the guardrail. Back in, and A-Train pulls the tape off of Moore's ribs. Moore comes back and gets a springboard bodyblock, followed by a senton...but he quickly gets backdropped to the floor. A-Train follows...short clothesline. Back in, and Moore counters a power bomb with a sunset flip (and a handful of tights) for the pin at 1:45. Ya gotta love it when we're short and to the point. * Out comes Matt Morgan to attack Moore, followed by The Too Damn Big Show, and they triple team Moore...until Morgan and Show turn on Train and start beating him down. Choke Slam by Show, and to the back they go.
Not the Greatest and Lamont prepare for a public dance with Sable.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Not much to say, really. I called it without ever reading the spoilers and got exactly what I expected. Too bad the crowd didn't actually care about any of it, which sadly includes Shannon's win.
Segment 4
Highlights of the Passport to SmackDown Tour.
Tonight, Brock vs. Rey from Rey's hometown. Rey's family is here to cheer him on.
Lamont introduces The Cat. Now would be a good time to get a pint of bitter or make a sandwich or cook some chicken curry or something. He came here to dance all night, and he's got a sexy lady ready to come on out here. He asks San Diego if they're ready, and I swear I heard a number of people yell "NOOOO!" And he calls out No Longer Able Sable. Cole: "What does the Cat got that I don't got?" Tazz: "Taste." Cat wants to see her dance. Lamont wants to see her shake her booty. And the fans want to see The Grind. But that's too bad. Did you REALLY think she was going to come out here and dance for anybody but Vince McMahon? Cat doesn't care that she dissed him, but she came out here to dance, so play the lameass music! She refuses, so Cat brings her in and kisses her...then strips down to his boxers.
Chavito Guerrero is in the locker room, and Eddy Guerrero wants to know if Chavo's riding with him or walking alone. Chavo's riding with him if he promises not to steal the spotlight. Chavo asks what was up with the hat...and the lawn chair and the taquitos. Eddy wants a status report on the knee, and Chavo feels so good that he might not tag out tonight. Eddy can't promise he won't steal the spotlight, but he'll steal a victory. Maybe they both will.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
What in the bloody hell was the point of that segment? Ernest Miller can dance. We get it. Sable's a bitch. We get it. How about using that time to...oh, I don't know...show a match. Or give someone worth a damn a chance to get over. It's sad that the only person the crowd reacted to was Sable, and that was only because she wouldn't shake her ass.
Segment 5
Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Los Guerreros vs. The World's Greatest Tag Team
I prefer this to the singles matches. The tag matches with these four just seem that much better. Eddy and Charlie Haas start as an "Eddy" chant breaks out. We essentially get a brawl to start. Tag to Shelton Benjamin. Knucklelock. Eddy out of it with a rana. Kicks to the midsection and a tag to Chavo. "Chavo" chant as the Guerreros double team. Tag to Eddy. Benjamin takes him down with a flying armbar and dumps him to the floor. He opens the hood of the low rider and tries to slam the hood onto Eddy's head and arm, but he fights back...but gets his shoulder rammed into the ringpost....
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Well, that was the world's most abrupt commercial break, wasn't it?
Segment 6
Haas and Benjamin double team Eddy in the corner. Haas works the shoulder with a hammerlock and tags Benjamin as we get a replay of the flying armbar that apparently injured Eddy's shoulder. Haas in with a keylock, and Eddy bodyslams out of it. Eddy tries to get to the corner and eventually does, and Chavo tags in. Backdrop. Satellite headscissors to Benjamin. Twisting senton to Haas for 2. Sunset flip for 2. Chavo locks in an armbar. Benjamin in from behind to superkick Chavo's bad knee, and that becomes the focus for the World's Greatest Tag Team. Benjamin with a slingshot sitdown splash to the upper leg. Elevated half crab. Eddy unties the tag rope, and when the referee fixes it, Eddy is in to break the hold. Eddy tags in, but the ref doesn't see it, enabling more double teaming by the heels. Chavo dropkicks Shelton out of the ring and goes for the tag, but Benjamin pulls Eddy off the apron. All four men in, but only Eddy is sent to the apron. Chavo makes the official tag, and Eddy is a house afire. Haas misses an avalance to Eddy and hits Shelton. Eddy dropkicks Benjamin into Haas. Back suplex. Eddy up top, but Haas stops him. Superplex. Haas with a Hotshot. World's Greatest Double Team, and Benjamin covers Eddy for 2. Chavo and Haas go to the outside as Jim Korderas checks on Eddy. Eddy goes for the rolling vertical suplexes (and backdrops Haas during the sequence). Chavo tags himself in and hits the frog splash, which only gets 2 by the time Korderas goes for the count. Chavo argues with the referee and doesn't tag Eddy in, so Haas knocks Chavo into Eddy. Inverted atomic drop, Benjamin with a superkick, and the cover, but apparently the Guerrero collision was a legal tag. In the confusion, Eddie hits Benjamin with the air filter of the low rider and covers for the pin at 15:33. ***1/2 Chavo's not happy because he wanted the pin.
Rey's getting ready for his match tonight.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
That was one odd finish. Good match with a tremendously exciting final three minutes or so, and if these guys are getting two segments for their matches, you know it's going to be entertaining. Not their best match, but still quite good. Only a mild bit of tension between Eddy and Chavo, as Chavo seems somewhat content with the win despite not getting the pin (and, by proxy, not getting the spotlight).
Segment 7
SmackDown superstars are going to deliver care packages to the troops this holiday season, and according to this past Tuesday's press conference, they'll be performing for the troops. Well, Vince McMahon had to get on TV somehow, right? Log in to troops.wwe.com for more info if you're so inclined.
The Big Show comes out to the ring dressed like John Cena. Remember how he cost Cena the title shot last week? Here's the clip if you don't. He's wearing a number 7 Black Sox jersey. Shouldn't that be a number 8 jersey? Show wants to call out Cena for a battle rap tonight, so "bring your izzass to the rizzing..." Um...what? Not one to turn down a challenge, here comes John Cenain the new "throwback" WWE gear. Show's rap: He screwed Cena last week and punked him out. He's 500 pounds, you know. "In my world, you're the white girl, and I'm Kobe Bryant." Oh, and his finger is bigger than Cena's fill in the blank. Cena's turn: He didn't hear the last line because Show was choking his neck fat. "Yo man, close your mouth. You got the breath of a thousand asses." He's so fat he can't see his own penis. "Think I'm coming up short? That's not what your mom said." Cue the "Cena" chants for that one. "How am I gonna get dissed by the white Fat Albert?" He calls Show a piece of fill in the blank, then gets a low blow for good measure.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Entertaining, even if it doesn't really have anything to do with their impending US Title Match...which reminds me, whatever happened to a little thing called "the 30-day rule"? I mean, Show isn't Hulk Hogan, so I thought he'd have to actually follow it. Really an unimportant segment in the grand scheme of things, but if you have to use non-wrestling segments, you might as well at least do something that might pretend to build a feud. This did that, unlike the Ernest Miller-Sable bit earlier.
Segment 8
We're on tape from San Diego, my favorite city that I've never been to.
Last week, Brock won with a Stretch Muffler, now dubbed the "Brocklock". Here's a look back at that matchup.
Josh Mathews wants Chris BenOIT to comment. He didn't win, so no excuses. After he passed out, he woke up to realize his dreams had been shattered. Now the question is if, not when, he'll get another shot. Heyman sees SmackDown as nothing but business, but to Benoit, this is life. Passion. And nobody is taking away his passion and dreams of being a champion.
The main event is next and here's the Tale of the Tape.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Solid interview by Benoit to sell the angle from the beginning of the show. It shows how much the title means and puts it on a pedestal. But how can they run with this without making it seem exactly the same to Steve Austin in 1998 or Brock Lesnar last year? Oh, right. Benoit will actually fail. WWE logic.
Segment 9
Non-Title Match scheduled for one fall: Rey Misterio Jr. vs. King Brock I (WWE Champion)
It's also Rey's birthday, thus increasing the odds of the upset. "You tapped out" chant even before the bell. Stall session to start. That's another chant the crowd could start. "Stall Brock stall! Stall Brock stall!" Eh, maybe not. (Watch. One smartass that reads this will start it next week and it'll end up catching on.) Lockup, throw down by Brock. Lock up, throw down. Go-behind by Rey, but Brock just grabs a leg and swings him around. Rey with a forearm and a dropkick to the knee. Corner whip by Brock, boot to the face by Rey. Drop toehold into the turnbuckle. Brock chases Rey around the ring until he gets completely frustrated, and THAT pops a good portion of the crowd. Cool spot, actually. An angry Brock grabs the ringsteps, and Rey baseball slides the steps into Brock's head. Rey out after him, but Brock catches him and drives him into the ringpost. Back in, and Brock stomps away at Rey. Forearm to the back. Knee choke. Rey ducks a clothesline, and Brock tumbles over the top rope to the floor. Counter sequence ends with Rey going for a apparent sunset flip and ramming Brock's back into the guardrail. Into the ringpost, then Rey off the top with a plancha, and he's back in to celebrate.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Solid storytelling so far. When Brock can catch Rey he can toss him around the ring and hurt him, but when Rey can keep moving, he's keeping Brock off-balance and frustrating the champion.
Segment 10
Flying bodypress, but Brock catches him and hits two backbreakers. Rey avoids an F5, but Brock pushes the referee and uses the positioning to low blow Rey. Series of stomps. Elbowdrop. Rey punches back but runs into a clothesline. Bodyscissors with both of Rey's arms wrapped around his own body. Corner whip, and Brock sends Rey to the floor. Brock begins toying with Rey. It's like a game of cat and mouse. And the mouse never wins unless you believe those lying cartoons. Rey dropkicks Brock into the ring...and into position for the 619. Springboard legdrop for 2. Dropkick. Flying headscissors. Rana countered into a power bomb countered into a huracanrana for 2. West Coast Pop...nope! Brock catches him and hits the power bomb! Brocklock. Rey breaks briefly, but Brock locks it in again...and taps out at 14:43. Well, I gotta admit, that surprised me. *** Brock tries to continue the beating and someone in Rey's family hops the guardrail...actually, it's Hardcore Holly, saying "The hell with my suspension" and clearing the ring.
END OF SHOW
A fun match overall, and as much as I hate to say it, it's probably for the best that Brock got the win even though I kind of wanted to see Rey get the title shot. I had also completely forgotten about Bob Holly, so I wasn't even anticipating how they'd further that angle, so that was a nice touch. I'd have rather seen Holly come out before the match so that we didn't take away from the match itself, but at least they're serious about building to it.
Overall, a good show, with two very solid matches and a slow burn feel that makes you think "This was good, and the blowoff show is gonna be sweet". Three straight weeks with no Vince McMahon (unless you really want to count the press conference rehash), and for the most part we furthered some angle in every segment. But one glaring problem with the way this show ended up was the Ernest Miller segment. Who the fuck thought of that? I mean, it damn near made me miss Nathan Jones, so any match at all would have been a vast improvement. But get past the 45 minute mark or so and this was a very good show.
The WWE Tag Team Titles are up for grabs next week. Join me then, won't you? But not before you send the feedback and read my archives.
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