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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (12/18/2003)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Dec 18, 2003, 22:17
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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (12/18/2003)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
It's weeks like this that I wish I had my own brewery.
Forums Quote of the Week: More like the conversation of the week, but it concerned the debut of our education folder, "Get Your Learn On!"
Bruiser Chong: I've gotten a lot of requests for this one:
2+2 = 4
Lil Naitch: Actually, it's THOMAS JEFFERSON, SUCKA!!!"
Agent of Oblivion: Thomas Jefferson? Hahahahahha. You stupid son of a bitch. It's Wheezy Jefferson.
Lil Naitch: Damn, I always get those two mixed up.
Tonight: The last SmackDown before next week's special from Iraq features The Basham Brothers defending their SmackDown Tag Team Titles against Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikishi, plus a main event that I assume is set up during the show that is sure to put asses in the seats as it features no less than four main eventers. And if your sarcasm meter is down, read on.
Segment 1
Last week, Rey Misterio Jr. nearly beat Brock Lesnar before tapping out, and Hardcore Holly attacked Brock following the match.
Taped 12/16/2003 from Jacksonville, Florida, home of wrestling legend Don Curtis (and a shout out to Don and his wife Dottie if either are actually reading this)! Michael Coleslaw and Tazz will bring you all the action, including that huge tag team title match that is now a fatal four way with Los Guerreros and The World's Greatest Tag Team!
John Cena cuts a freestyle before the match claiming to have been ripped off at Christmas for 26 years, so this year he turned Mrs. Claus into a ho ho ho. Mrs. Claus is a dirty slut. He then gives Tazz the WWE "throwback" T-shirt and takes his seat at the broadcast table. Next week: Cena vs. Big Show from Iraq.
Non-Title Match scheduled for one fall: The Too Damn Big Show (WWE US Champion because there's never going to be a 30-day rule unless somebody gets injured) vs. Orlando Jordan
This match is guaranteed to suck ass or your money back. Jordan attacks from behind as Show spends too much time taunting Cena. Jordan tries to use his speed advantage to keep Show at bay and gets a flying bodypress for 2. So gains control and gets in a headbutt. Chokehold. Slap to the chest. Again. Inverted Rocker dropper for 2. Jordan tries to fight back but gets a knee to the midsection. Choke Slam...no, he waited too long, and Jordan gets a dropkick to the knee...but Show hits the Choke Slam for the pin at 2:14. I'd fall asleep, but my coffee is fucking me up. DUD Postmatch, Show taunts Cena as they stare each other down.
Hardcore Holly tries to enter the building and is stopped by security, but Hardcore's there as Paul Heyman's guest...complete with private security and private room. If it has padded walls, RUN!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
A nothing match and a nothing segment, outside of Cena's rap, which wasn't even among his best work. If this is any indication as to how the rest of this show is going to end up, then I'm afraid. Very afraid. The most interesting thing about this segment was Hardcore Holly's appearance, and I don't actually care about that either. Hmm...this might be the return of bitter JHawk...which is going to make for entertaining reading.
Segment 2
Ape Train is in the ring! And I think he wants to talk! Or throw feces at the crowd or however gorillas communicate. But he's not going to get a chance to, because King Brock I is making his way to the ring with Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman and Matt Morgan. Heyman has the stick, and he knows A-Train's wondering why he's out here. Brock has a question for him (so why doesn't Brock just ask him). Anyway, Brock made Rey tap out last week, so he's still the greatest champion ever. The problem is that he was so busy warming up that he missed the Shannon Moore match. He asks Morgan how it turned out, and of course, he not only lost, but lost a ton of "Team Lesnar's money". Brock wants to see what happened, so here's the clip. "Look at yourself, 350 pounds of wooly mammoth..." Brock says he'd better have one hell of an excuse, and A-Train has something he wants to say man-to-man: "I'm sorry." So he's meant to apolgize for weeks? What the fuck? Doesn't Brock like getting candy or flowers? Anyway, after dropping the ball in Brock's match with Benoit and after losing last week, he got his ass kicked, and he deserved it. So to make it up to Brock, Heyman is going give A-Train a chance against Hardcore Holly. The Board of Directors has forced Heyman to lift his suspension (which actually gets a decent pop), but tonight, Holly's match is all or nothing. He wins, he gets his title shot with Holly (and there are the boos). But if he loses, he's fired effective immediately, and the Board has already agreed to it. It was originally going to be A-Train and Morgan vs. Holly 2-on-1, but since the Board won't let a man's career be on the line in a handicap match, Holly will now team Shannon Moore. And if Moore is pinned, Hardcore's gone. Cole: "The odds are stacked against Hardcore Holly."
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Here's what I like about this segment. It makes you care that Shannon Moore won last week, because that match led to this one being signed. If the fans think the wins and losses mean something, they'll probably react better to the in-ring action. Now for what I don't like about this segment. Who gives a shit? They're still making Moore seem inferior to everybody because he only weighs about 175 pounds soaking wet with a brick in his pocket. Morgan's still unproven. A-Train is good for a big man, but he's just been made to look like Brock's bitch. That makes Hardcore freaking Holly pretty much the only credible man in this match. I like Holly well enough, but what the fuck.
Segment 3
Go to house shows. Please? We'll put you on TV and everything!
Fatal Four Way Match for the WWE Tag Team Champiosnhip: Los Guerreros vs. The World's Greatest Tag Team vs. Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikishi vs. The Brothers Basham (champions--w/Shaniqua)
Eddy Guerrero will be the first man to ever be on the cover of Low Rider Magazine in February. Tazz even acknowledges the Haas-Eddy backstage brawl. Two weeks ago, Scotty and Rikishi defeated the champions in a non-title match to earn this shot. Cole acknowledges the Bashams betting on the match last week, claiming "there's no Pete Rose rule in the WWE".
Rikishi and Danny Basham start, but the crowd wants Eddy. Danny tags in Eddy...does this make Danny Basham a face? Rikishi backdrops Eddy and hiptosses an incoming Chavo. Double suplex to the Guerreros. Scotty comes in, and the two face teams brawl. The Guerreros avoid a double stink face as Charlie Haas comes in. Haas avoids a sitdown splash during a sunset flip attempt, but he can't avoid a bodyslam, and is there ever going to be a tag before a switch? Scotty tags in, Shelton Benjamin tags in, and here we go. Exploder suplex by Shelton. Doug tags in and gets a drop toehold by Scotty. Eddy tags in, and he forearms the hell out of Doug before getting in a rana and a dropkick. Flying headscissors/armdrag combo to both Bashams, and the Bashams fall in the corner...and they tag Rikishi. Haas and Benjamin step in front...then decide they want to see the double Stink Face. Let's give them what they want.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Hopefully we got all the "fun" spots out of the way and we can start working on having an actual match with actual psychology. Wait, I forgot what fed I was watching. Sorry.
Segment 4
Benjamin and Danny are in, and Scotty tags in from behind. Danny misses the Stinger Splash in the corner, and there's the WWE bulldog. W! O! R! M! Chop, cover, and Haas has to break up the pin. On a weak chop. And you wonder why I hate that fucking move. The Bashams send Scotty into the turnbuckle. Series of punches by Danny for 2. Haas tags himself in, then tags in Shelton. Knee to the back and a chinlock. Scotty elbows out of it but runs into a knee to the midsection that gets 2. Tag to Haas, who stomps away. Danny tags himself in. Series of stomps. Snap mare. Elbowdrop for 2. Doug tags in and locks in a sleeperhold. Scotty breaks it with a jawbreaker, but Doug falls into the corner and tags in Danny. Rikishi runs in to buy Scotty some time. Chavo tags Scotty from behind and gets a flying bodypress for 2. Eddy in, and it's the rolling suplexes for Scotty. Rikishi in with a superkick, and now we've got an eight way clusterfuck. Chavo with the satellite headscissors for Benjamin, and another sequence of moves from everybody starts. Chavo has Danny up top and hits the superplex, but Doug hits a frog splash for the pin at 14:26, just getting the pin before Eddy's save. ** Chavo's pissed.
Tonight, Dawn Marie gets to look hot (well, her breasts do, as I haven't gotten to her face yet) as she hears Heyman say he's going to determine a challenger for Brock Lesnar's title via random drawing. Oh, but Chris Benoit's not allowed to have a shot as long as Heyman's GM, so he's the only SmackDown superstar who can't get the shot. Spin that hopper, Paul...
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Eh, I dunno. The match wasn't bad by any stretch of the imagination, but I just couldn't get into it for some reason. I mean, there was really no flow to it. The closest thing to a story was "Scotty gets beat on for five minutes before the clusterfuck of high spots begins." How was that any different from every other tag team match involving more than four men done in WWE in the last 18 months? I could have almost called the final two minutes move for move before the match ever started, it's become that predictable. I did like the actual finish though. I've seen it before, but it's a neat spot.
Segment 5
That tag team "main event" is still to come.
Lamont introduces Not the Greatest to another non-reaction. And yet when WCW Greed was in this city less than three years ago they actually loved this guy. And out comes No Longer Able Sable doing her angry face. And her happy face. And her sad face. And she hasn't actually changed facial expressions yet. She wants to know what the Cat was thinking when he kissed her. Well, last week she didn't look too hot, but he'll warm her up. Sable's all "Don't ever kiss me again" and Cat's all "I'll kiss you if I wanna kiss you", and she's all "talk to the hand" and he's all "your lips are much nicer"... and of course, Mr. McAsshole has to bring this segment even further down by returning after a whole four week layoff. WHY AM I SUPPOSED TO GIVE A FUCK? Nobody puts their hands on Sable except Vince. Who the hell does he think he is? They argue over who the greatest of all time is (and I don't see Ric Flair or Lou Thesz out there, so this is a silly argument really). Hit The Cat's music, because Vince is getting down. Of course, the crowd pops for this shit. Cat and Sable dance, and there's the low blow by Vince. Somebody call The Cat's mama, and tell his girlfriend that they're not having fun tonight.
Up next, Rey Misterio Jr. vs. Jamie Noble for a shot at the Cruiserweight Title!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
We waste the return of Vince McMahon (that we didn't want to see in the first damn place) to try to get Ernest fucking Miller over? Earth to Vince: All the dancing in the world doesn't disguise the fact that The Cat was below average in the ring even when people actually gave a shit about him. I hope this next match is totally fucking awesome, because if it isn't, there is no saving this lameass show.
Segment 6
One fall to determine the number one contender to the WWE Cruiserweight Title: Rey Misterio Jr. vs. Jamie By God Noble (w/Nidia)
Apparently, Torrie Wilson tried to tell Nidia that Noble used her to win the match the week before...but since they taped the segment and it never actually aired, 95% of the people are probably wondering "What the hell..." Running shoulderblock by Noble for 2. Monkey flip by Rey. Another monkey flip, but Noble lands on his feet, and both men attempt a dropkick at the same time before going into fighting position to a nice pop. An exchange of forearms, and Noble takes advantage with a faceslam. Noble into the camel clutch. Rey counters out of it, sending Noble to the floor. Noble back in, and Rey fires away. Noble catches a moonsault attempt and rams Rey into the turnbuckle, but he misses a shoulderblock and hits nothing but ringpost. Moonsault bodyblock by Rey for 2. Satellite headscissors. Noble with a powerslam for 2. "619" chant. Rey does a nice rollover into a cover for 2, and Noble gets a 2 count of his own. Rey misses the 619 and hits the floor hard. Noble sends Rey into the ring...then sends Nidia into the ring. She gets thrown into Rey and Brian Hebner, then goes for the Tiger Bomb...and Rey counters into the huracanrana for the pin at 5:01. Good but short. **1/2 Postmatch, Nidia is cowering against the side of the ring, but Noble blames Misterio for her condition. Fans are yelling "He's lying."
Holly asks for security to give him some room, and Josh Mathews asks Hardcore why he agreed to this match. Well, he didn't have a choice. Rehash the stipulations in case you missed them, then reiterate your threat to break Brock's neck...and takes his title. Now stare into the camera while we fade to black.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Well, we didn't get the classic we should have gotten out of these two, but it is somewhat understandable given time constraints for television. But would somebody please tell me why we need another falling out between Noble and Nidia? How many times are these two going to get pissed at each other and still stay together? Not that they're not like every married couple in America, but damn.
Segment 7
Welcome to Jacksonville. We have palm trees. And Jacksonville Jaguars in attendance.
SmackDown: Here Comes the Pain is in stores now. Watch Brock Lesnar kick ass!
One fall: Chris BenOIT vs. Chuck Palumbo (w/Nunzio and Johnny Stamboli)
Benoit decides to attack the entire FBI before the bell. Mike Sparks sends the FBI to the back, and there's the bell. Hard shoulderblock by Palumbo. Shoulderdrive into the corner. Kneelifts. Short clothesline for 2. Crevatte. Benoit fights out, but Palumbo drives him into the corner again. Boot choke. Back suplex for 2. Another crevatte. Benoit breaks with an arm wringer. Palumbo clutches his shoulder. A kick to the head by Palumbo. A series of shoulderblocks. Palumbo misses one, Benoit rolls him up and locks in the Crippler Crossface, and Palumbo reaches the ropes. Dragon screw. Shot to the knee, and now into the rolling German suplex. Cut throat gesture, up top, Swan Dive Headbutt for 2...and the crowd actually thought it was over. Palumbo sends Benoit into the turnbuckle and rolls him up (with a handful of tights) for 2. Benoit locks in the Crossface, and Palumbo taps at 5:09. *1/2 Postmatch, the FBI attack, and Benoit has a Crossface for Stamboli. They finally corner him 3-on-1 and beat him down. From Brock Lesnar to the FBI. Because it worked so well for The Undertaker. Oh, except The Undertaker didn't get beaten down.
Trainers are checking on Nidia, who wants Jamie, but in comes Rey. Rey tries to explain what happened in Spanish, and she either doesn't believe it...or doesn't want to believe it. Stupid bitch.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I know Benoit's the face and he's supposed to make a comeback to win the match, but why did he have to be on the defensive so much? I mean, two weeks ago he lost to the WWE Champion after a long match with John Cena, and now he's struggling to beat Chuck Palumbo? I like Chuckie P, but he's as close to a legit main eventer as the Pittsburgh Steelers are to legit Super Bowl contenders. Then again, I could say the same thing about the four main eventers tonight.
Segment 8
Next week from Iraq, The Big Show takes on John Cena. And My Olympic Hero has already kicked off the festivities, as this clip from Fox News Channel tells us.
The Man Beast Rhyno wants the rubber match with Bradshaw tonight and calls him out. Of course, Bradshaw's in Iraq already, so Rhyno wants the forfeit. Instead we get...
One fall: Rhyno vs. Faarooq
Rhyno backpeddles, so Faarooq makes sure to keep him in the ring. Hard whip into the turnbuckle. Shoulderblock. Forearm to the back, and Rhyno rolls to the floor. Next week: The World's Greatest Tag Team vs. The APA. Back in the ring, and Rhyno has taken control. Choke against the ropes. Rabbit punch. Headbutt. Faarooq comes back and gets the sidewalk slam, and the ropes save Rhyno from defeat. Rhyno low blows Faarooq and get disqualified at 2:02 (we still have that rule?) then Gores Faarooq for good measure. Ugh. DUD
Heyman wants Dawn to tell a security guard to take the hopper to the ring. Could it be Brock vs. Cena? Brock vs. Rey Jr.? Brock vs. Big Show part 75358358? Whatever the match, it's next!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Well, at least they're trying to have some sort of continuity, even if it is a feud involving Bradshaw. Too bad we can't actually get a couple of good matches out of it. Complete filler, most likely because Vince was supposed to dance for another three minutes.
Segment 9
Welcome back to Paul Heyman's SmackDown! Paul E. even does his own ring announcing as he picks the opponent out of the hopper. I'll mark out if every name is "The Brooklyn Brawler". Heyman tries to convince Brock that this is in the best interest of SmackDown and that if Brock wasn't the greatest champion ever, then he wouldn't have signed for it. Brock chooses his opponent...and he's not happy. He wants to draw again, because he doesn't want to defend against the random opponent...
For the WWE Championship: King Brock I (champion) vs. Shannon Moore v.0.75
Raise your hand if you didn't see that coming. OK, all three of you are really fucking stupid. That or you can suspend your disbelief better than I can. Either way. Brock shoves Moore to the mat before the bell. Moore steps on his foot then goes after the champion's legs. Clothesline by Moore with no effect. Kicks to the knees, and a dropkick to the head. Another. Cover for 2. Brock comes back, albeit briefly, but he catches Moore's foot and clotheslines him. Into the Brocklock for the submission victory at 1:40. 1/2* Farewell, Shannon, we hardly knew ye.
Postmatch, Brock goes over to the hopper and says "That was a close one. You almost had me." Name one other champion who will defend against anybody. Bret Hart. Well, you asked. Brock keeps drawing names to prove that this was a setup. Shannon's luck just ran out, and so has Hardcore Holly's, so come on out so the champ can watch you get destroyed.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
You can't seriously expect me to believe you're actually shocked by any of this, can you? I mean, why else would the Chosen One get put into an unannounced title defense? But hey, Shannon Moore can join Randy Orton and Jeff Hardy in the category of people who got World Title shots for no apparent reason. Decent if predictable angle, but on a show like this, that's like the Detroit Tigers saying "at least we didn't get shut out".
Segment 10
All or Nothing: Hardcore Holly (w/security) and (legally at least) Shannon Moore v.0.75 vs. Matt Morgan and Ape Train
Brock remains at ringside and tries to bait Hardcore into attacking, and A-Train and Morgan run out and attack Moore. That makes him the legal man, and A-Train beats him down as an answer to last week's upset win. Morgan in with a boot choke. Headbutt. Choke against the ropes. Turnbuckle smash. Tag to A-Train. A series of kneelifts. Backbreaker. Another one. Uppercut. Headsmash into Morgan's boot and a tag to Morgan. A series of stomps. Bodyslam. Kneelift as Cole claims Holly's neck injury cost him not just a year's pay, but also his marriage. Is he that much of an asshole that staying home fucked his marriage over? A-Train with a cheap shot to Holly, then the Train Wreck to Moore. Holly makes the save and knocks Morgan off the apron. Moore lifts the boot on A-Train's Vader Bomb attempt. Dropkick, and the hot tag to Holly for a decent pop. Clothesline galore, and the Best Dropkick in the Business forces Morgan to run in for the save. Flying clothesline to Morgan, and A-Train makes the save at 2. Morgan dumps Holly to the floor after Holly kicks A-Train low, and Lesnar has his chair...and he levels Hardcore with it. A-Train rolls him into the ring. Sitout Power Bomb by Morgan...and Holly kicks out and 2. Bearhug by Morgan. A-Train goes for a bicycle kick but misses and hits Morgan, and the Alabama Slam gets the pin at 6:28. Decent considering the best worker was playing dead all night. *1/4
END OF SHOW
A good enough story was being told by this match, but the only real saving grace was Shannon Moore bumping like a champ for about 5 minutes straight. Unfortunately, the crowd didn't wake up at all until Holly came in, but if you're going to try to use this as a main event feud, it's good that the crowd actually seems to care.
Overall though, to quote The Hutch, "Fuck this cocksucking show." Two decent enough matches (the four way and the cruiserweight match), but a load of stupid shit and a load of simply meaningless and/or boring tripe. The Cat danced! Rhyno needed to get disqualified against someone who hasn't wrestled in six weeks! Shannon Moore is treated like he's inferior to Duane Gill! The Big Show brings out a title that's covered in dust (and notice there's no mention of the title actually being on the line next week). Can you smell the ratings for this one? Give me more of the good stuff that we've gotten the last few weeks and less of the garbage.
Does anybody really think it's a coincidence that the worse SmackDown in about a month featured the return of Vince McMahon?
Feedback. Archives. Now.
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